For as long as I can remember, I have had insomnia to some extent. It is very hard for me to fall asleep, and I struggle to stay asleep. It’s not uncommon for me to wake up four or five times a night.
Because that doesn’t make existing in the world difficult enough, my natural Circadian rhythm wants to stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning, and it doesn’t want to get out of bed until 10 or 11. I have *always* been like this, and no amount of exercise, natural or prescription drugs, meditations or pacts with the devil have been able to change it. If I get into bed at what I think of as the time normal people go to bed, like between 9 and 11, say, I will stare at the ceiling, toss and turn, and get frustrated until sometime after midnight, when my brain finally gets on board and lets me fall into my version of what passes for restful sleep.
It’s frustrating and has been demoralizing for pretty much my entire life. Thanks, anxiety!
Well, about two years ago, I started using a cannabis tincture before bed. It’s 3:1 CBD:THC, and it’s been a h*cking miracle. I still stay awake until after midnight, but rarely am I awake past 2am, and I almost always stay asleep for a full 8 hours. It’s been such a life-changing experience for me, I’ve struggled to avoid becoming an obnoxious evangelist about it. CBD and THC, when combined, produce the entourage effect. If you’re looking for benefits from hemp-derived products, then I recommend a product like Area 52’s delta 8 gummies which contain a full spectrum of cannabinoids.
I wondered if I was developing a tolerance, or if, with my history of alcohol dependence, I was engaging in risky behaviour, so earlier this week, I decided to take a break and see what my physical and emotional response was.
I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I did not experience a single physical or emotional withdrawal symptom. This is in sharp contrast to when I quit alcohol, which featured about two weeks of really tough days and nights (that I am so proud of myself for getting through! Coming up on four years! Go me!)
But a couple days ago, on the same day I had my time collapse thing, the insomnia came back as hard and as relentless as ever. It came out of nowhere, and it was like HEY MAN I AM HERE AND I AM GONNA MAKE THE MOST OF IT! YEAAAHHH!!
It was a rough night, and by the time I gave up and got out of bed at 5am, I had only managed to struggle through about two hours of fitful sleep.
And because that wasn’t annoying enough, during the brief time I was asleep, something happened in my neck, and when I got out of bed, I was in excruciating pain. I could hardly hold my head up, and turning it to either side wasn’t going to happen.
I reacted to this in a mature and adult way: I got really, really mad about it. What the fuck, Wil’s Body?!
Around 630, I texted my chiropractor, and asked her if she had any appointments to help me. Around 8, she said she could see me at 930. I put myself together as best as I could, and dragged my exhausted, miserable, wrecked-neck self to see her.
Anne does Pilates in the same building, and when I got there, I saw her instructor, who looked at me like, “Why are you here? You don’t do Pilates and even when you did, you were never here in the morning because you suck at mornings.”
“I’m here to see [my chiropractor],” I told her, “because I wrecked my neck when I engaged in the extreme sport known as ‘sleeping’.”
We laughed about that, because I am a goddamn delight, even when I feel like a hot wet bag of crap that’s ten months past its sell date.
My doctor came out of her office then. “What did you do?” She asked me, “your neck is … kind of bent to the side.”
“Well,” I said, “Let me tell you all about it.” I stood up. “I went to sleep last night.”
She waited for me to continue.
“That’s it. I went to bed, and when I got out of bed, this happened. Because middle age is AWESOME.”
We all laughed about that, because it’s true. I went into her office, she worked on me for a little bit, and I went from a 9 on the pain scale to about a 5. “So there’s this thing that can happen,” she told me, “where we go to sleep, and our head ends up in a strange position for some reason, and a disc in our necks can just slowly slip out of alignment.”
“That’s bullshit,” I said.
“It is, but it happens. And it’ll probably take about two full days for it to unwind itself.”
I thanked her, and on my way home, I stopped at a cannabis dispensary to get something to help with the pain. The woman who helped me suggested I use the same tincture I use for sleep, because the high CBD is good for reducing inflammation, and recommended this topical spray that’s kind of like if Biofreeze had some cannabis and arnica in it.
I wanted to give my body a full six days to reset my endocannabinoid system, but I also didn’t want to take prescription painkillers, so I used a a 25mg dropperful under my tongue as soon as I got home. I also sprayed the topical stuff (apothecanna, if you care) on my neck and shoulder. Within about twenty minutes, my pain was reduced to about a 3 on the pain scale.
I’m telling ya’ll, this stuff is a goshdarn miracle.
My pain abated enough to let me go to sleep, and for once my wonky brain was a team player. I think I slept for close to an hour, and woke up feeling not great, but not awful.
I took it easy for the rest of the day, and by the time the evening came around, I felt good enough to go to the Kings game with Anne.
Sidebar: I love hockey and I love the Kings, even when they’re terrible. We are lucky to afford season tickets, and I cherish going on hockey dates with Anne. I honestly don’t care if they win or lose, because the game isn’t what’s awesome about going to the game together.
So we were creeping down the goddamn 110 with everyone else in the world (who, incidentally, don’t know how to drive), and we were cathing each other up on our day.
“Did T tell you I saw her this morning when I went to see N?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” Anne said.
I related my conversation with the chiropractor. Anne laughed and said, “I told T almost the exact same thing. I think we may have used close to the same words, even, and she says, ‘you know, I just love how you and Wil are totally buddies. All of us who have been around you both can tell that you hang out, that you are best friends, and we can see how much you love each other. There are, like, married couples who are partners and who love each other, but they aren’t exactly friends like you two are.'”
I felt my heart grow three sizes. “Oh my god,” I said, “We are TOTALLY buddies! You’re my buddy! You’re my best friend! I love that so much!”
“I know we talk about it from time to time, but I want to say it out loud again: I love that you are my best friend, my partner in crime, my co-conspirator, and my favorite person in all of the universes. And I love it so much that people who know us both can see that.”
“Yeah, we don’t suck,” Anne said.
“We totally don’t suck,” I said. “And I love you the most.”
“I love you, too.” She reached over and put her hand over mine.
I never would have thought it could feel romantic to sit in traffic … and yet.
Have a great weekend, nerds. I hope you get to spend it with your buddy, like I do.
I am totally your sleep twin. Right down to the neck thing happening to me a few weeks ago. Ugh. I’m pretty sure the tincture you’re using isn’t legal here in NY unfortunately, so my insomnia is still enjoying itself nightly.
I’m grateful I do get to spend the weekend (and every weekend) with my best buddy. We have gotten similar comments. It always makes me a bit sad that it’s so surprising to see a married couple actually like each other. It’s totally obvious with both of you and how you speak of each other. I love seeing it. 💜
I love this!
Not that you’re looking for a solution because you seem to have found one but for anyone else let me tell you about mine. First I own no stock or interest in this company. But I bought the Calm App. for my phone. And while I am really crappy at meditating, I am extremely good at listening to bedtime stories. I often fall asleep before they are over. I just plug in my phone, pick the store I want and play. If the first couple of minutes don’t grab me, I try a different one. I was skeptical as well. But I find that it distracts your brain from the Ferris Wheel and you listen to the story and then you drift off.
I started listening to ASMR with no talking for the same reason.
Seriously, that story is baby Yoda level cute. Have a great weekend you two! Oh, how is Marlowe doing post surgery? Our little furry friend Yogi had to go through the same thing (though due to some angle of the knee and tension across the patellar tendon something something something it turned out to be a modified version of the same thing involving shortening the bone and some extra hardware) a week after your family did. I have to say I completely understand why you had to cancel your appearance the next week. The amount of care he required after that surgery was no small amount of work.
❤️❤️❤️
You and Anne are so lucky to have each other.
My husband & I are definitely bffs. We also work together. In fact we spend damn near 24 hours together most days. We often comment how incredible it is, even to us, that we spend so much time together & rarely get sick of each other. It’s awesome to know you & Anne are bffs too. Sharing our lives with ppl whose company we truly enjoy is so very nice. ❤
Isn’t it just grand to be married to your bestest friend? Husband and I have been friends and lovers and married people for over 40 years. And it is still just wonderful.
Congratulations on your careful use of something that actually works for you. I’m glad you got through alcohol, someday I might hit you up for tips. Keep on feeling good.
Oh man, I feel you on the circadian rhythm being out of sync with “normal life”. I’m more of a midnight to 9am person, but, like you, not matter what I’ve tried or how many years I’ve lived with it, getting up early just feels like absolute crap. I liken it to wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. You can function and probably get used to it somewhat, but it always feels WRONG. I’ve been using CBD capsules, but maybe I need to go back to a tincture because they don’t seem to help as much as I would like.
I am also married to my best friend and it’s the greatest. Glad you and Anne had a good date. Take it tender <3
The buddy system will never fail you. 🙂
WOW! THIS was AWESOME! I am SO ON BOARD with CBD/CANNIBIS EVERYTHING! Here in Wisconsin… we unfortunately have WAYYYY too many “CONSERVA-FUCKERS” { as I like to call them! } in positions of POWER to ALLOW stuff like that! They are either in the Pockets of BIG PHARMA OR Have watched “REEFER MADNESS” too many times! But with out DEM GOVERNOR I am HOPEFULL that he will Break their wills and get it DONE!!!
On to your posting Wil… THIS Made me laugh on SEVERAL Aspects! There was a comedian back in the 80’s that made a joke about “Getting Old”! He said you can do NOTHING and end up in LOTS of pain! He told of just laying down for a nap… and when he woke up he was in SO MUCH PAIN! And his wife said, “Honey… what did you DO?” and he replied ” I JUST TOOK a FREAKIN’ NAP!” YEP! I can TOTALLY RELATE!!!
I am nearing FIFTY FIFE on FEB. 9th, and I SOOO Know how this feels! AND I’m an Active DRUMMER For the past 41 yrs. and THAT Doesn’t make things any easier! But this posting made me Laugh out Loud! Thanks for that Wil! Yea Middle Age is SOOO AWESOME! LOL 😀
Can’t we JUST have the WISDOM WITHOUT the BODY ACHES?! NO?! Oh Well… Wishful Thinking!
Joe Connolly
Jefferson Wisconsin
Wil, your circadian rhythm trouble is called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. My ex-husband has it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_disorder?wprov=sfla1
I like to think that yin and yang are working on balance for us all the time. While the people who put you on this planet and raised you sure sound, um, challenging, you still, at a quite young age, won the wife lottery when you met Anne. And I know she and her boys had a rough time, but they won the husband/dad lottery when they met you.
I’m a fan of CBD tinctures instead of using OTC sleep aids and anti-inflammatories. I use a 10:1 CBD:THC tincture and it works wonders for inflammation as well as for relaxation. Glad it helps! Isn’t it fabulous going through life with your best buddy? I’ve had the immense fortune of being married to my best friend for 28 years – so glad you’ve had such happiness after a rough start.
Now this is a story! A painful creak in the neck prompts a beautiful friend-community-circling-back-to-self realization of true love!
So many thoughts on this one. First, you and Anne are the best. This cannot be overstated.
About the CBD – it’s a fricking wonder drug with no side effects that I have ever experienced. It’s all natural, doesn’t interact adversely with any other medication that I know of, and doesn’t make you high. We are lucky to live in a state that allowed the medicinal use for several years and now that marijuana is completely legal, you don’t have to pull out your medical card for strictly medical uses. My friend’s brother has made a balm that I can rub on my hands to help the tendinitis and arthritis when they plague me and I also have the drops for under the tongue. I have never needed for sleep but I know many people who swear by it. I’m glad it’s helping you! <3 <3 <3
Hey, Wil. I hear you. I’ve always had the same sleep problems you describe. (Also the depression and anxiety you’ve described many times previously.) And I too, since cannabis was legalized in Oregon, have found that THC/CBD edibles have allowed me to overcome many of those sleep problems, just as you describe. Congrats on finding that solution! Let’s work to get cannabis legalized nationwide so everyone who suffers from our problem can have access to the same remedy! Cheers!
That’s one of my favouritest ever Siouxsie songs!
I have to tell you, ever since talking to you at the Phoenix convention after you’d had a bout of night terrors, I started using CBD
& its been great. It helps with my anxiety & my sleep. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t try it before. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me that day, I truly appreciate it. It’s been life changing. I know you talk to so many people, but you really did make a difference for me. 🙂
I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 21 years and we were together for about 3 years before that. So we’ve been together longer now than I had been alive when I met him (just shy of my 18th birthday and he was not quite 21).
I had my boss tell me not too long ago that if you’re not constantly having sex with your spouse, you’re in the marriage for the wrong reason. I had to fight to roll my eyes and slap her upside her big fat stupid blonde country fried Republican head.
Is sex part of marriage? Yes. Is it an important part? Usually, yeah.
Is it absolutely 100% necessary? Eh..maybe. Jury’s still out.
Marriage isn’t about how sexy you still find your spouse after a quarter fucking century. At least..it’s not for me. Because while I do find him sexy as hell, it’s not because he’s got a great body.
It’s because he’s a good man. He’s a good father who has helped me raise one hell of an amazing teenager who just happens to be on the autism spectrum (among other things) which can often cause life to be tragically, wonderfully, darkly and beautifully fucked up in all the best and worst ways possible.
It’s about being with somebody who flew across country with me and put up with my mother for three hours on a plane (both ways) for an entire week so that we could deal with my grandmother’s funeral.
It’s about somebody who has literally picked my ass up off the floor when I had a total nervous breakdown and was so hysterical I didn’t even know my own damn name following a miscarriage a few years ago.
It’s about being with somebody who knows me better than I know my own damn self who can still, after all this time, still crack me up.
So yeah..sex is part of the equation. But it’s not the whole equation. Marriage, to the right person, is an incredibly complicated formula.
I don’t remember where, but I once read a comment about this that resonated with me. If the sex and the marriage are good, it’s only about 10% of the marriage. If they’re bad, it takes up 90%. I don’t mean in terms of time, but in terms of how important it is to the rest of the marriage and healthiness of the relationship.
You and Anne are sooooo good at not sucking! May you have access to whatever resources you need to be just as good at sleeping as you are at being a goddamn delight!
Just a note of precaution for those that think CBD has zero drug interactions. This is not the case. If you take any medication the requires you to avoid grapefruit then CBD is also not for you. It does the same action as grapefruit does. I know that’s weird, but, it is true. I found this out after I had tried CBD with zero THC (recovering addict here). It helped my body inflammation wonderfully, but, after about 3 weeks I started to feel off. So I did more research. I got this info from NIH.
Wil,
I love reading what you write. But, you’re not from ” ’round here”. In my case, that’s Alabama. And because I’m a Big ‘Ol Pedant, I have to point out that y’all is a contraction of “you all”, and as in other contractions the apostrophe goes where the missing letters are. Therefore it’s “y’all” not “ya’ll”.
Also, your relationship with your wife is very nearly a platonic ideal of a true loving partnership, and I hope that my own marriage is anywhere near that.
Ugh. I knew that. Must have mistyped, and didn’t catch the error before I published.
As a message board certified medical practitioner, I recommend a tincture of Scheider (Blue Thunder, Sorcerer, The Seven-Ups) in the flat bed of a Cybertruck. You could fill it with saline and get your William Hurt on. The bill is in the mail.
I’m 34 and the two injuries I’ve sustained this year that have lasted for more than a week have both been sleep-related. One to my neck recently, from ordinary sleep in my bed, and one to my wrist when I slept on it oddly on a flight. So, yeah.
Ugh. Yep. I am unable to sleep some nights too. Usually because (as you so aptly put it) my brain isn’t exactly a team player. I started using a CBD oil tincture a couple months ago too (I use a very pure variety that’s made outside of Asheville, NC) and it’s actually helped keep my generalized anxiety disorder in line way more than it has actively helped my sleep, which is kinda funny to me personally.
Hi, Wil! I love your stuff, and thank-you for writing this. I know that the odds are low, but I want to ask the question I wish someone had asked me 15 years earlier: Have you had a sleep study to determine if you have sleep apnea? Certainly, the waking up multiple times during the night sounds like it could be sleep apnea. If you haven’t been checked, just do it on the off chance it is true. For me, I lived 15 years as a sleep deprived zombie before I was finally diagnosed with sleep apnea and got help for it. It made all of the difference in the world.
Okay, what is this cannabis tincture? Brand name. I too have been plagued with insomnia since childhood, and am a big believer in cannabis therapy.
My state will probably be the last state to ever legalize, but maybe my friends in Cali or Colorado can get it for me.
Love your stories, your writing, and this sweet little addition to your blog. Thanks, Wil.
Huh. I’ve had a pretty busy couple of weeks so I put off reading this entry until today (almost a week later). A couple of days ago I woke up with a really sore neck – I kind of chalked it up to my pillows misbehaving and sleeping on my neck all wrong, but it’s good to know that “messed up neck” is a thing that can happen (my pillows probably didn’t help). Coincidentally, I’m feeling a bit better now and it’s about 2 days later. and there’s considerably less pain.
A lot of weird coincidences in my life lately. For example, there’s this – but also I had a seizure 3 weeks ago and now I’m seeing references to seizures everywhere, from fiction (reading Warlight by Michael Ondaatje) to podcasts (mentioned in an episode of Writing Excuses). I think stuff is leaking from my brain to the Internet.
Yeah, middle age is definitely here and my body is totally letting me know.. Example a: my left knee. And the fact that I need new glasses every six months suddenly. I guess my eyes are making up for the decades of stability before.
@Steve, I had one a year ago, clear outta the blue, while I was visiting my parents. I’m still a bit freaked out about it. Luckily I live in a place with a good bus system!
I didn’t know your Trek Side of the Moon t-shirt was only available for a limited time. Our son in law wanted one for Christmas! Is there any way I can possibly get one? Please??
Oh, I’m so sorry! The design was only available for a limited time. You can ask Cotton Bureau to reprint it, and if they get enough requests, they’ll bring it back in the future.
Tracy, how about we go to Change.org an we create a petition to Cotton Bureau to reprint it! ASAP. I am a Secret Santa for a Trekkie fan who wanted that shirt on their Elfster Wish List! Come on Cotton Bureau it is Christmas Shopping Season! Why in the world would they pull this hot Christmas item before St Nick’s Day!?!
Wil, I totally understand insomnia! 14 years my dad abused at night when I tried to sleep as a kid! I have had PTSD, insomnia, and nightmares for 30 years! Matter of fact I could not sleep at all last night. Sleep Stories, Native American Flute Music, and Meds did not help me last night. Plus I am in Milwaukee, WI I don’t think I can get your magic cure here. Hopefully, I will be able to sleep tonight!
Wenona
White Turtle Rainbow
Hi Wil! I loved this post. I was thinking of you, how candid you are about your struggles (especially with mental illness). I, too, have a mystery ailment. I wrenched my right knee, and as far as I can tell, all I did was sit.
I’d like to reach out to say that your words and your voice matters, you matter, how open you are is important, and yes, you are indeed a goddamn delight.
Love and hugs, Liz
Your sleep cycle sounds so much like my husband’s! I am the opposite…as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m usually out for the night. Glad you found something that will help you sleep better.
Love the story of the car ride with your wife. It is an amazing gift to be married to your best friend. My husband and I spend nearly every day working together and we still enjoy each other’s company. Our customers often comment how they have never seen two people work so well together. I tell them we are best friends, and my favorite response I have ever gotten was a guy who replied “Oh, I thought you were married.” Looking back that is actually a sad statement really. I told the guy that my husband and I are married, but we are also best friends. He smiled and said he thought that was really cool. Now when he sees us he tells anyone within earshot how great my husband and I are. It’s so sweet.
It’s great to both like AND love your spouse. Happy for you both to have found each other and stuck together all this time. It seems to be an exceedingly rare circumstance in our throw away society.
Glad the cannabis is working out for you. I use it for pain issues and sleep. Works like a charm. It has even kept my migraines at bay for about four months when I use to get 3 or 4 a week. I’m basically migraine free now.
Same boat!
I used to be a AV tech for live events. My sleep schedule was non-existent! I could work 4 to 24 hours in a day. When I didn’t have to work, I was up till 3am still and left to my own devices I’d sleep the day away. Thought I would never have a proper sleep pattern.
After 30 years of being very anti drugs, a friend convinced me to try a bowl. Never slept better. So now I have a nightly ritual of smoking
before bed. I also got out of the tech life and have a regular 9-6 routine now.
Admittedly I’m still far from a morning person. I have to get up at 7 for work, but I function much better at 9 or 10. I sleep much better, and function better.
I do get the odd insomnia night but they aren’t as bad as they used to be. I’m thinking part of that is the routine.
Trying to understand the Siouxsie reference
My sister had that insomnia issue. Until she realized it wasn’t falling asleep that was the problem. It was walking up! Pattern derived from a childhood of anxiety about what the next day would bring during a long period of family drama. She connected the dots, stepped out of the energy pattern, and now sleeps like a baby.
THE SOUL’S CODE is a good book for introducing a different way of looking at family karma, and basically any interpersonal drama. “If, in my self- Divinity, I chose these people and these experiences, what is the pay-off? As creator rather than victim, why did we all agree to that?”