One of my biggest regrets in my life is that I didn’t go to college. When I was 18 and desperate to get out of my parents’ house, I moved to Westwood, where UCLA is, and moved in with Hardwick, who I’d known for a little bit, and who was already attending.
I planned to enroll in two years of Extension, and then apply to the university after. I have no idea if that is even a thing that a kid can or could do, though, because the instant I started filling out my Extension forms, I panicked.
What if I didn’t know how to be a college student? What if I failed? I was certainly going to fail. I was a stupid actor. I knew that. Mrs. Lee told me that in 9th grade, and my dad has spent my whole life making it really clear to me that I was worthless (fun sidebar: when I was 19 or 20, I read The Portable Nietzsche. I thought a lot of it was bullshit nihilism, but some of it resonated with young me. I wanted to share that with my dad, whose approval and affection I craved, desperately. When I did, he told me I was “being a fucking intellectual” and “nobody likes a fucking intellectual.” I was so humiliated and kicked in the balls by that statement, I never pursued any further reading of philosophy, or mentioned it to him, again). I didn’t even have real public high school experience beyond one awful semester when I was a Freshman. I had no idea what to do, and I was so afraid of failure, I never turned the forms in.
Here’s how sheltered I was and how unprepared I was as a kid, crawling into adulthood: I thought you had to be in a fraternity if you were in a college. I didn’t know any better, and my dad was in a fraternity (which explains SO MUCH about what a jerk he was hashtag not all frat guys), and TV and movies were heavily focused on that whole thing, so I just extrapolated from what information I had and … well, garbage in, garbage out.
For years I told anyone who asked me about it that I had to withdraw because I was getting work as an actor. That’s partially true. I was getting work as an actor, but it wasn’t enough to justify not going to a single class. The truth was, I was terrified of the uncertainty. I felt like the only thing that mattered, the only thing I was any good at, was being an actor. And even then, at 18, I knew that it wasn’t my passion. I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was living my mother’s dream, and trying so hard to do the only thing I was good at because I hoped it would make my dad love me, but when I met other actors my own age who hadn’t been pushed into it by their parents, they had a totally different energy around them. They had this incredible and wondrous knowledge of theatre and film and acting technique, that they’d devoured and studied. They had the artistic calling, of art for its own sake.
I had the fear of failure, and the growing awareness that I didn’t love the one thing I was good at. And, I have to be honest: I wasn’t even that good at it, then. I was OKAY, but not great. I knew that, and I knew that I would get better when I understood technique the way those other young actors did, as opposed to leaning on the instincts and experience I already had.
When I got older and eventually went to drama school, where I studied Meisner Technique for years, I did get better. I’m good at it now, I like being on the set now, and I’m proud of the work I’ve done, even the stuff that isn’t that great like The Liar’s Club. That work and those years of study actually contributed to me finding my own path, and discovering the confidence to be a writer and storyteller. I learned when I was in those workshops and scene studies that the performing wasn’t what I loved; it was the preparation, the deconstruction of the scene and the character, the work that went into getting to know who the characters were and why they were in this scene, what was at stake, and what all their obstacles were. As a writer, now, I use all that training I had for scene preparation, when I’m creating a scene from scratch. It’s awesome.
But, way back in 1990, I was just afraid of so many things, and I wasn’t supported in the ways I needed, so I let that fear consume me, and didn’t attend a single class. I have always regretted that.
A few weeks ago, I decided that I was going to take an online course, not for credit, but just for knowledge. I looked at TONS of courses, and decided that I would take a writing course. I have a lot of practical experience writing essays like this one, narrative nonfiction, and short opinion pieces, but I have no formal writing education, beyond reading some books. This is not to say that reading some books hasn’t been helpful! I have learned a TON about structure and character design and pacing from books. I’m a competent fiction writer, and I credit the books I read with helping me understand my own writing process a little better.
But I decided to take a writing class, anyway, because I thought I would get some insights that would help close up the gaps in my knowledge. I spent a lot of time looking around online, and decided to take Brandon Sanderson’s course at BYU. It’s a series of 11 lectures and a Q&A, that was recorded in 2017. I’ve been watching one lecture a day, taking weekends off, and tomorrow I’ll finish.
It’s been a fantastic experience for me. I haven’t learned as much new stuff as I thought I would, but even more importantly, I’ve had many of my instincts and experiences confirmed and validated by someone I respect and admire, who is successful in my field. The new things that I did learn have been PROFOUND for me. Like, huge, epic, explosive revelations and insights that I did not expect at all.
The biggest revelation hit me this afternoon, as today’s lecture was wrapping up: I doubt myself way too much. I’m smarter and more capable than I was raised to believe I am, and it would serve me well to trust my instincts more. I should listen to my OWN voice when I’m creating, and not invent voices that criticize me, humiliate me, or minimize my accomplishments.
I got a lot of good, useful, practical, experience and knowledge from Professor Sanderson’s class, but the most profound thing I got out of it wasn’t even directly related to what he was teaching, which I believe is what going to college is all about.
I don’t know what it’ll be, but I’m going to start another course when I finish this one. Maybe something in history. I’ve always been interested in learning more about the American Civil War and Reconstruction, and that seems really, grossly, horrifyingly relevant to this moment in our history.
I’m really grateful that I can pursue knowledge for its own sake, and I’m even more grateful that I’m not afraid to do it.
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I recently started taking a drawing class. I’ve been riding the existential waves of approaching my mid-40s and I made a list of the things I wanted in my life, things that would fulfill me. Building a yoga practice; learning Spanish; building a sewing practice; developing my writing; getting a dog; and learning to draw. I signed up at my local community college and showed up for the first day of class even though I had friends visiting from out of town that weekend. And I started drawing.
About three weeks in I had a realization. I was sitting at my dining room table, about to start some still-life homework, and it came to me that … if someone had asked me to draw something even 5 minutes before that class, I would have said “I can’t draw.” But once I surrendered to the possibility, once I let the teacher tell me “draw this” … I shrugged my shoulders and just gave it a shot.
Now, I draw. Over this last weekend, I spontaneously sketched a seahorse sculpture that sat in my hotel room because I saw that it would be good shading practice.
I think that we are the only ones who can give ourselves permission to learn, to experience the joy of discovering our own strengths. For some, that permission comes early, for others … well, lessons come when we are ready for them.
Congratulations, Wil. You fucking rock.
Outstanding! It’s never too late!
Openculture.com has links to all kinds of free online courses. I’m sure you’d be welcome at a brick and mortar school too.
I won a cooking course a few years ago and became hooked! And I was a decent cook beforehand. I stay on the site as a member and jump onto new lessons or classes when I have a bit of extra time. I fully admit to being a lifetime learner and appreciate your post. Nobody in my family had ever gone to college and my family didn’t really support my path to education (women should just get married, you know!) and now, closer to 50 than I’d like to admit, I know I will never stop pursuing knowledge! Kudos to you!
I always feel motivated by your posts. There’s always something that resonates with me as a person and/or a writer. Today, it was this:
“I doubt myself way too much. I’m smarter and more capable than I was raised to believe I am, and it would serve me well to trust my instincts more. I should listen to my OWN voice when I’m creating, and not invent voices that criticize me, humiliate me, or minimize my accomplishments.”
I’m so happy you’re doing something that you wanted to do and you’re enjoying it. It feels so amazing when we can free ourselves to just be us. Thank you for sharing your journey. You’re touching the lives of many in such positive ways.
I always find myself wondering what sort of response would be helpful to you, Wil.
Anyway, for what it’s worth, College/University is also about being forcibly exposed to ideas and people you might not otherwise run across or be aware of. I think it’s harder to do that in “normal” life, because we tend to be self-selecting, and that tends to limit the range of input we get.
If you go as young adult, it’s also a crucible, because often you’re living on your own for the first time as well. All the training wheels are off. Profs often don’t care about you as an individual. Parents may be far away. Etc. So it can be your first experience at being a real adult, where nobody has a stake in your success or failure except you. Which is always tough regardless of what you’re doing at the time.
What I got out of it was a sense of scope. The world’s much bigger than I used to think when I left my hometown, and there’s thousands of points of view. You get a chance to embrace that, and see what comes of it.
If you’re lucky, you also find your people there.
I appreciate how forthright you are in your blog posts. I like how blogs are sort of the opposite of fb, letting people share something of who they actually are.
I think so many of us can relate to not feeling good enough or successful enough and not doing things out of fear of failure. I flunked my own first semester of college. I was overwhelmed by life, not academics. I didn’t throw myself back in until a few years later, and the whole experience, at least for me, was so worth it.
Thanks for writing.
What a wonderful post! To learn for the sake of learning, without the pressure of grades or assignments, is what I love about being an independent adult.
The British History Podcast is fabulous!
OMG — I feel so much sorrow and compassion for you. I loved going to college (it helped me separate from my family), and I loved going back to school decades later when I needed to change careers. The worst of my teachers were a waste of time and a burden to be shed, but the best helped me become myself.
Most teachers became teachers because they love teaching; in higher ed, more of them have been able to hold on to that. They are wonderful people to allow into your life. The more voluntary the course is, the more likely you are to have a teacher who just plain loves their subject and wants to share it.
I hope with all my heart that you find as much joy as I ever did, in taking classes now, however many or few you take, in whatever subject.
Hi Wil,
This has helped me over the years, whenever I get lost or don’t know what to do next.
I also was raised by a father who thought everything I did was stupid and it shapes your whole self image and ultimately, the choices you make.
Whenever I get lost I read this and think, “Does this thing I’m about to consider doing, further my larger “Purpose” in life, or am I getting distracted down a side road?
People on a lifelong quest for knowledge are easily distracted. I am also one.
I love your writings and the man they reflect. You are already good enough, but in order for YOU to believe that, keep asking yourself if you’re still on the right road…the one that leads to what will make you ultimately feel that you’ve done your best.
What else can we do?
Much love,
Marion
Goals vs. Purpose:
Goals are things we want to achieve or get completed by today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
Purpose is that which would make us feel, as we lay dying, that our life had been worth living.
Examples:
Goals: •Finishing school;
•Getting a job;
•Getting thru one’s
list of things to do
in any given day.
Purpose:
To somehow improve the
physical & emotional well
being of those around me,
no matter in how small or
how large an amount,
whether by kindness or
by endeavor, as long as I can
put hand on my heart &
say that all my behaviors
were motivated by this
purpose.
There is no pressure to succeed attached to a purpose.
If you know you’ve really
tried, then you’ve done
your best.
Purpose reminds us, that as long as all our activities are aimed in the direction we want to go, we have already succeeded. We do not have to stress about the success or failure of each individual goal.
All roads lead to Oz.
Fellow writer who never went to college here. Thank you for sharing this! I hesitate to use the word “heartwarming” because bleeech, but seriously. It was heartwarming to read. 😊
College wasn’t in the cards for anyone in my family growing up, so when I turned 18, I was expected to go out and get a job. End of story. When I was 34, I decided I was going to go to community college to take writing classes. I was always a decent writer, but I didn’t know anything about structure or even semi-colons.
I got my high school transcripts, applied to the college and was accepted. When I told my mother about it, excited beyond belief that I was finally going to go to college, she told me she thought it was a bad idea. She actually said, “You couldn’t handle college, Maggie.” Like she would even know. She didn’t go to college, either! I was smart, eager, gainfully employed and had my shit together and she said I “couldn’t handle” college. Jeez. Thanks, Mom!
But like you said with your experience with your father, I let her get inside my head, my confidence was shot, and I never registered for any classes. I just dropped the whole idea. I let her win.
When I got back to seriously writing last year, I studied a ton on my own. I won an award for an essay and I told my mother about it. Her only response was to tell me that my writing talent was “born-in”, that I had clearly gotten it from her, and then she actually, literally said, “So YOU’RE WELCOME.”
That was the day I stopped telling her about anything to do with my writing. Since then I’ve had almost 20 essays published in literary magazines, have been nominated for Best of The Net twice this year, and wrote at 73k word memoir manuscript. She knows none of this, and never will. Some people can’t be trusted with your dreams, even parents.
Thanks for making me not feel so alone with this struggle.
I just wanted to let you know how much I am enjoying your most recent writings… they are so inciteful and meaningful.
I always enjoy your writing so keep at it.
I was homeschooled in a very controlling home environment.
I was told at 16 that I had graduated; and because I was doing correspondence courses through the school district, I happily accepted that as truth and got the hell out of my family home as soon as I could (to bible school – another story for another time).
Many years later – my husband and I were chatting about grades and I pulled his transcripts online. Wanting to prove my superior intellect, I went to pull my own. Only to my horror to discover that I wasn’t in the system.
In fact, when I called the school district …. there were no records of me.
Vibrating, I called my mother….. she said that it didn’t matter. That I knew and she knew that I had completed high school and that’s all that really mattered.
She had lied to me.
I was able to find proof of the courses I had completed and all the extra courses I had taken in my parents home. I called the school district and asked them the way forward …. I would do whatever It would take to graduate. To get a diploma … a physical representation of my anxiety and fear and torture of my teenage years….
they kindly looked over what documents I had and issued me a diploma.
My mom said something along the lines of – see … it’s obviously not that important if it’s that easy to issue.
I’ve never told anyone – save my husband – this story…. It’s painful and it hurts and it’s complicated.
I don’t think even he understands why I feel so wounded by this.
I just needed to get it out – this feels like a safe space.
Your essays, while so meaningful to adults, would be even more so for high school students. Depression, doubts, bad parenting, plus pressure to do what they don’t want to do, especially. If I were still teaching, I would read your writings to my classes, so I’m wondering if you have ever thought of putting some of them together for a book aimed at young adults?
Why Sandy Meisner?
Congrats on finding something new that you really enjoy! I suddenly want to find my own course to “audit” and keep learning.
Will, Did we have the same father? I mean, really! Anyway. I love learning. That was my reason for going to college. Learning. I went back to get my Masters at the rip old age of 50. I LOVED it. School is great. I want to get my PhD, but it is not in the cards because now I can take classes for free (I am that old. LOL!) You are amazing and always were as an actor. I cannot believe that you cannot succeed in any venture you want to. Just go for it and do it. What can happen? That voice (your Dad, my Dad) are just that a voice in the back of your head telling you basically — you are nothing — IT IS NEVER REAL! Just fear and lack of confidence.
Anyway, I ramble.
Be good to yourself.
Do whatever the hell you want to do.
Take the time to look around and give gratitude everyday.
Try to remember to smile till it hurts.
Laugh all the time.
Love whenever possible.
Wil-
I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you in Stand By Me. My first legit schoolgirl crush. I remember being thrilled when you were on Star Trek TNG. I had magazine pictures of you taped on my closet door until 17 year old me packed up and moved out of state to go to college. I’m not even remotely embarrassed to say my crush went on for ages even as I moved into adulthood, but the boyfriends I had weren’t too cool with me having your pics taped to my closet so I kept that to myself. 😊
I never even considered the emotional struggles you might have been dealing with at home as a child/teen/young adult…which while different were also similar to my own in the pursuit of love and nurturing support from my parents.
I have checked in on your life from time to time over the years and am so thrilled for you that you have a loving gorgeous wife and step children. Proud that you quit drinking and have stuck with it! I’m also very happy for you that you are working on unpacking all of your childhood trauma to make for a better today and tomorrow. I know that is very hard but it’s also worth every moment of work.
Congratulations as well on your first college course! I hope that you continue to find things that make your heart happy and pursuing that which can only help you continue become a better husband and parent. Not that you are bad at it now, but we can always improve! The more happy and healthy a person is, the easier the other stuff comes along.
Wil, you’re 47. Time to stop dwelling on childhood. The average man lives to be 75, and usually slows down considerably at 65, so you’ve got 18 good years left. Spend them on the here and now. 18 years will go in the blink of an eye. To put it in context, 18 years ago you were on The Weakest Link. Doesn’t that seem like yesterday? One more of those time periods and you’re 65. Who cares what your dad said, or how you felt when you were 18. The clock is ticking, better get to living.
Wow Lucinda way to totally invalidate another’s journey and another’s pain. Well done!
In 1994, I was studying at Australia University. With my baby.
But then a dingo ate my baby.
So, I left university to track down that dingo.
Last week, I finally caught up with that dingo.
Next week, I go back to university.
To study accounting.
Anyone who wants to option the rights to “Dingo Reckoning Accounting: An Account” should contact my people.
Thank you for sharing. This makes me think about conversations my husband & I have had about our history with family & secondary education. It was always an accepted fact that my sister & I would go to college. (We come from a family with multiple MENSA members…I am so very much not one of them.) How it would be paid for was up to us, but we planned our lives around it being our next step to work towards in adulthood. Marriage & kids could wait. The continued education and life experiences while our brains were still geared toward book/class learning was the big goal. Wanting to do new & reasonably adventurous things were accepted. Women in our family even used power tools, lifted weights, & were openly competitive with males around us as equals…even though others didn’t see it that way. In my husband’s family, going to school & doing well was mildly valued but college wasn’t something they thought about as a step for them. Go to work for the $ even if it’s killing you, keep your head down, get married, raise a family, get promoted, do very little with your down time, & hope to be able to afford to retire before your body is destroyed was what they were taught was their life steps. He tried that path & it wasn’t for him so in his 30s he divorced (no kids), quite working & went to college, went to Bali for a few months to paint, & then got his MFA. We met when he was starting his MFA & I was 2 years finished with my MS. (I was a degree queen & required a degree or solid portfolio from a potential partner. I know better now. awe yes, learning.) Having taken such a dramatic path change from his family, he can’t even relate to their way or thinking about how to live ones life & the value of continuing to learn & try new things. It’s super hard to keep even a thin thread of connection to the people/family who choose to angrily run on the hamster wheel of life with their eyes closed. It’s not about the grades & degrees we gain; it’s about the intentional effort to gain expansion of our experiences & hopefully understanding. Again, thank you for sharing & helping all of us increase our understanding of others.
Wil Wheaton I have loved you since I first saw you in Stand By Me. While my friends had magazine clips of rock stars in their walls, when you were on TNG I had every picture I could find if you on mine. I was still smitten with you long after high school. ☺️
Thanks to the Internet I have been able to check in an see what you are up to from time to time when I want to reminisce about my younger years. Until I recently read your blog posts I never considered how what would have seemed to many (myself included) to have been a charmed life was really not so far different than the one I had. At least in the sense of parental relationships anyway.
I’m so happy for you that you have a wonderful supportive wife and children and that you are finally able to grieve your past but are able to move on to a better future. I hope it continues to move in a positive direction and that even if you stumble you remember how far you’ve come and get up and keep going.
One is NEVER too old to learn new things. My gram said “when we stop learning, we die”. Take classes – serious ones and funny ones. You never know what nugget you will get out of any of them. Even if it is to learn what you hate (modern art for me).
As a teacher and a mother, I just want to hold your hand and comfort you. You are an amazing person and I appreciate the courage that you show every day. I’m also so grateful that you have Anne and your sons in your life, so you can share your story.
If you really want to learn how to think, don’t waste time with philosophy, take a math class. Might I suggest linear algebra? Which I teach.
“I doubt myself way too much.”
It is awesome you have finally realized this.
Hello Wil,
I don’t know how else to contact you, but my name is Sherif I live in Toronto, and my 5 yrs old son (Sirage) is crazy about you and tabletop episodes, he drags the family to a board game cafe to play for 5 hours straight, the games he saw you playing much older than him, like king of Tokyo, lords of Waterdeep etc.
I wanted to thank you for your effect and I am sure many people are like me and that we know have a great family time every week, where the whole family is spending quality time playing together leaving all electronics behind
Thanks
Sherif
I went back to school at 50 to retrain as a Medical Assistant. Going to school as a full adult was a much different experience than when I was a young adult. Much more satisfying. I was focused, I knew who I was and what I was working towards. I didn’t bullshit around. I took classes that scared the bejesus out of me and passed them (it was the 5th time in my life taking algebra, and I finally passed the sucker.)
If you decide to really go there, I encourage you to take a class on campus some where. Its a bigger more vibrant experience than on-line. Good luck!
I live very close to a university. They have a wonderful music program. A friend is graduating from that tomorrow night, in fact (senior recital). I used to play trumpet. I don’t anymore. I often think about picking it back up. It’s right there. But I don’t. Perhaps, maybe, someday. Thanks for reminding me that maybe that day should be someday, after all. I’m proud of you, Wil. Iron Guard Salute
I PM’d my message below to you on Messenger through Facebook about a month ago, but I wasn’t sure if you could see it, because maybe my message went into your spam folder, or something. So in case maybe you hadn’t seen it yet, I copied it here. I know you get lots of comments and feedback from so many people, but I’m still hoping to maybe hear back from you regarding the question I had about the one scene I described in Stand by Me. Thanks, Wil!
~Ruth~
Hi Wil!
My name is Ruth, and I just started following you on Facebook. I don’t know how often, if ever, you view and respond to private messages on here, but I’m going to take a chance and send this message anyway. If you respond, great! If not, well, at least I tried, right? Anyway, I’ve been a big fan of yours since seeing you in Star Trek: The Next Generation! I never saw Stand by Me when it came out in ’86. I was only 8 years old then and not really much of a movie buff in those days. A few weeks ago, however, the Sundance channel was showing all kinds of movies from the 80’s (my childhood 😉), including Stand by Me, The Karate Kid, Footloose, The Breakfast Club, etc. That gave me the chance to finally watch Stand by Me for the first time ever, 33 years after it was released, lol! Knowing that you were in that movie made me want to watch it.
I was particularly moved by the scene where after Gordie and his friends finally locate the dead body they were all looking for, Gordie is crying about his father hating him, and he’s being comforted by Chris. That scene made me cry so hard, lol! 😢 After having read what you just posted about your own father and wanting validation and approval from him, yet never being able to measure up to whatever his ideals were, I was wondering if, during the shooting of the scene I just described, you thought about how your own father was with you and drew from your own experience to cry easily on cue. I’ve read about other actors having to think about something sad to make themselves cry on cue, which I understand is not necessarily an easy thing to do for all actors.
I am so sorry that you’ve had to endure so much pain as a result of your father’s treatment of you over the years. No child, no matter how old he/she gets, should ever be made to feel worthless. That can really mess with a person’s psyche and have lasting effects. I know that my father went through that with his own father at one point in his life. It’s very sad.
On a brighter note, I am happy to hear that you are enjoying taking online college courses! It’s great to study certain courses for the fun and enjoyment of them and not necessarily for a grade or to get credit.
Your one post from yesterday (11/4) about getting rid of junk and things you no longer need was pretty inspiring for me! I live with and take care of my parents who are getting getting up there in years. For the last few years, we’ve accumulated so much clutter that we’re pretty reluctant for anybody, especially relatives, to come inside our house for even a brief visit. Not only am I inspired by your post, but I’m feeling more motivated to actually do something about our situation as opposed to bemoaning it and not doing anything about it. Just thought I’d share that with you. 😊
I know acting is not really your first love, but I think you’re a great actor, and I hope to maybe see you in some guest spots on television in the future. I remember having seen you in CSI and Criminal Minds a few years back, and I thought you were phenomenal in both, especially Criminal Minds!
Well, thank you for putting up with my ramblings, lol! I hope to maybe hear back from you sometime soon, but I’ll understand if you have a lot of other people to reply to, and time might not allow for a response to my message. Anyway, keep up the good work in everything you do! Even though I don’t know you personally, I know you’re a good person, and you don’t have to take any crap from anyone. I’m sure you already know that, though, haha! 😉 Take care now! 😊
~Ruth~
its actually the truth of every teenager which no one notice …anyway great job expressing this feeling in front of the world
Why not go back to school and get your BA?
I knew someone who decided to follow her dream and attend Julliard to study music at the tender age of 65 after a lifetime of doing other things. Inspiring and proof that you’re never too old to learn and grow!
I’m glad you took the course. I’ve watched the lectures and they really helped me understand more about storytelling (which is something I’ve been obsessed with since Mass Effect 3 when I wanted to understand why I hated the ending so much. Education can be rewarding in itself but I’m glad you work in a field where having initials after your name is the cost of entry (like it is in science/medicine).
Hi Wil, I’m so happy for you that you enjoyed and got such value from this course – even if you didn’t learn precisely what you were initially expecting to! If you’d like to explore more online learning options, I’ve done a few courses for free via https://www.futurelearn.com: they partner with various universities to offer step by step taster courses about loads of different subjects. It’s quite good for my motivation, as it’s all quite granular – for instance, a course may be 4 weeks long and take a suggested 3 hours a week (but often less – for instance, I speed up all the video content!) You’re invited to leave a comment in response to each little chunk (and respond to other learners’ thoughts – it’s so interesting to get perspectives from fellow students from different backgrounds all round the world), the lecturers often interact in the comments, and there are sometimes no-pressure quizzes to test your understanding. Anyway, whether you pursue this or not, wishing you all the best in future!