One of my biggest regrets in my life is that I didn’t go to college. When I was 18 and desperate to get out of my parents’ house, I moved to Westwood, where UCLA is, and moved in with Hardwick, who I’d known for a little bit, and who was already attending.
I planned to enroll in two years of Extension, and then apply to the university after. I have no idea if that is even a thing that a kid can or could do, though, because the instant I started filling out my Extension forms, I panicked.
What if I didn’t know how to be a college student? What if I failed? I was certainly going to fail. I was a stupid actor. I knew that. Mrs. Lee told me that in 9th grade, and my dad has spent my whole life making it really clear to me that I was worthless (fun sidebar: when I was 19 or 20, I read The Portable Nietzsche. I thought a lot of it was bullshit nihilism, but some of it resonated with young me. I wanted to share that with my dad, whose approval and affection I craved, desperately. When I did, he told me I was “being a fucking intellectual” and “nobody likes a fucking intellectual.” I was so humiliated and kicked in the balls by that statement, I never pursued any further reading of philosophy, or mentioned it to him, again). I didn’t even have real public high school experience beyond one awful semester when I was a Freshman. I had no idea what to do, and I was so afraid of failure, I never turned the forms in.
Here’s how sheltered I was and how unprepared I was as a kid, crawling into adulthood: I thought you had to be in a fraternity if you were in a college. I didn’t know any better, and my dad was in a fraternity (which explains SO MUCH about what a jerk he was hashtag not all frat guys), and TV and movies were heavily focused on that whole thing, so I just extrapolated from what information I had and … well, garbage in, garbage out.
For years I told anyone who asked me about it that I had to withdraw because I was getting work as an actor. That’s partially true. I was getting work as an actor, but it wasn’t enough to justify not going to a single class. The truth was, I was terrified of the uncertainty. I felt like the only thing that mattered, the only thing I was any good at, was being an actor. And even then, at 18, I knew that it wasn’t my passion. I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was living my mother’s dream, and trying so hard to do the only thing I was good at because I hoped it would make my dad love me, but when I met other actors my own age who hadn’t been pushed into it by their parents, they had a totally different energy around them. They had this incredible and wondrous knowledge of theatre and film and acting technique, that they’d devoured and studied. They had the artistic calling, of art for its own sake.
I had the fear of failure, and the growing awareness that I didn’t love the one thing I was good at. And, I have to be honest: I wasn’t even that good at it, then. I was OKAY, but not great. I knew that, and I knew that I would get better when I understood technique the way those other young actors did, as opposed to leaning on the instincts and experience I already had.
When I got older and eventually went to drama school, where I studied Meisner Technique for years, I did get better. I’m good at it now, I like being on the set now, and I’m proud of the work I’ve done, even the stuff that isn’t that great like The Liar’s Club. That work and those years of study actually contributed to me finding my own path, and discovering the confidence to be a writer and storyteller. I learned when I was in those workshops and scene studies that the performing wasn’t what I loved; it was the preparation, the deconstruction of the scene and the character, the work that went into getting to know who the characters were and why they were in this scene, what was at stake, and what all their obstacles were. As a writer, now, I use all that training I had for scene preparation, when I’m creating a scene from scratch. It’s awesome.
But, way back in 1990, I was just afraid of so many things, and I wasn’t supported in the ways I needed, so I let that fear consume me, and didn’t attend a single class. I have always regretted that.
A few weeks ago, I decided that I was going to take an online course, not for credit, but just for knowledge. I looked at TONS of courses, and decided that I would take a writing course. I have a lot of practical experience writing essays like this one, narrative nonfiction, and short opinion pieces, but I have no formal writing education, beyond reading some books. This is not to say that reading some books hasn’t been helpful! I have learned a TON about structure and character design and pacing from books. I’m a competent fiction writer, and I credit the books I read with helping me understand my own writing process a little better.
But I decided to take a writing class, anyway, because I thought I would get some insights that would help close up the gaps in my knowledge. I spent a lot of time looking around online, and decided to take Brandon Sanderson’s course at BYU. It’s a series of 11 lectures and a Q&A, that was recorded in 2017. I’ve been watching one lecture a day, taking weekends off, and tomorrow I’ll finish.
It’s been a fantastic experience for me. I haven’t learned as much new stuff as I thought I would, but even more importantly, I’ve had many of my instincts and experiences confirmed and validated by someone I respect and admire, who is successful in my field. The new things that I did learn have been PROFOUND for me. Like, huge, epic, explosive revelations and insights that I did not expect at all.
The biggest revelation hit me this afternoon, as today’s lecture was wrapping up: I doubt myself way too much. I’m smarter and more capable than I was raised to believe I am, and it would serve me well to trust my instincts more. I should listen to my OWN voice when I’m creating, and not invent voices that criticize me, humiliate me, or minimize my accomplishments.
I got a lot of good, useful, practical, experience and knowledge from Professor Sanderson’s class, but the most profound thing I got out of it wasn’t even directly related to what he was teaching, which I believe is what going to college is all about.
I don’t know what it’ll be, but I’m going to start another course when I finish this one. Maybe something in history. I’ve always been interested in learning more about the American Civil War and Reconstruction, and that seems really, grossly, horrifyingly relevant to this moment in our history.
I’m really grateful that I can pursue knowledge for its own sake, and I’m even more grateful that I’m not afraid to do it.
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Knowledge is power
Brandon Sanderson if my favorite SFF writer, I’m so glad you took his course!! Have you read many of his books?
Good for you! I didn’t go back to school until I was in my late twenties. It took me that long to feel like I was ready. I started in the sciences but shifted to History by the time I was done with my Bachelors. I liked it so much I got my Masters degree directly afterwards. History is quickly is a small but necessary field. I am frightened by the younger generations lack of perspective (not all of them, I am generalizing, I apologize). With “flat earthers”, and Holocaust deniers growing, not shrinking, history class has never been more important. I am glad you are interested. Let me know if you want me to recommend some titles, or if you just want to chat about history. It would be nice to flex that muscle again.
Keven
I am glad that you’re taking courses at a college. Education is a wonderful thing. And, you’re never too old to continue your education.
It’s NEVER too late to educate yourself on any topic. I finally got around to finishing my bachelor’s in 2011 at the age of 41 (and I think I got more out of the classes than I would have when I was younger and less mature). Gareth above is right – knowledge is power but also, in my opinion, learning is joy.
Good on you for finally taking a class 👏
I profoundly wasn’t ready when I was accepted to more than one prestigious university. I was set loose a continent away from my problematic parents with absolutely no adulting skills. I floundered. I “failed”. I lived. I have stories to share. and ultimately isn’t that all any of us have? I admire you more with every post.
It’s always been obvious that you love to learn. College courses can give a structure to learning, fill in a lot of blanks, and reveal many more questions to explore. You’re going to love your courses, whatever they are, and you are going to succeed. I seem to recall Evil Wil Wheaton telling someone on TBBT, “You have been giving me free rent to live inside your head all this time,” or words to that effect. The more you learn and enjoy it, the more you’ll find better voices to replace those oppressive, negative voices you’ve been giving headspace to. I look forward to your further adventures! Good on ya, Wil.
Went to college, several in fact, it was a complete waste of time and money for me personally, I never graduated. But one thing I liked to do was sit in on lectures for classes that I wasn’t or couldn’t get enrolled in. Those big 300+ person lectures on everything from computer science to paleontology. Free education. Up until a few years ago you could still do that, just slip right in for free. No one took attendance in those giant ass lecture halls. This was all before we had a plague of active shooters on campuses and everyone had to be buzzed in with student IDs. Everyone is different and personal experiences are just that but from my point of view you didn’t miss anything.
I think taking online courses is great, I have subscriptions to some sites for learning and several universities offer courses online for free now, and there is always Khan Academy, so bonus. Every human should have a passion for learning as much as you can, with the time that you have. Whatever you’re passionate about, learn as much as you can. Best of luck Wil!
I am SO PROUD OF YOU for taking that class! I started taking classes through Coursera a few years ago and I loved them so much that I started taking online classes at the local community college and this past summer, I transferred into a BA/pre-law program at Penn State! I’m 41 and it’s slow going but going back to school has been the best thing I’ve done in my adult life. I’m so glad that you’re having a good experience and I hope you’ll keep going (but no pressure if you don’t, you do you, my friend).
This makes me SO happy to read! As a lifelong learner and researcher, just for my own enjoyment, I’m so proud of you for facing your fears and pursuing what piques your interest. There’s no time or age limit for learning and I hope you continue to grow your mind, and your confidence, as you proceed.
Love the energy you’re displaying in these last couple posts. I’ve always said you were a really great writer, and getting to read more of your writing is always a pleasure.
Also, as someone who was a History major in college, check out some of the lesser known topics, or things you might not have been exposed to before. Colonial African history is fascinating (sad and infuriating as well), or medieval European history, which really shapes how Europe came to be what it is today. American reconstruction might be a bit too close to home and depressing… 😉
Good for you! Now you can go and do a degree 😛 🙂
Been rewatching STNG on Mexican TV. I’ve always liked your character and his storyline, but you know what? I like the real you and your complicated reality even more. Thanks for sharing. Keep on keeping on.
Q
I starded college at age 42. Had 20+ years in my completely new career, found my passion and my confidence. You will too.
Wil, I went back to school in my mid-forties. I discovered that there were so many students like me that there was even a category of us called “returning adult students.” We were feared by the younger students as “curve busters” because we actually showed up at class and did the work. That was in 2000.
I graduated in 2003 with a 3.65 GPA. I ended up as a technical writer contracted to DoD with a Top Secret clearance, even though I had no military service. I discovered that though I didn’t have the creative writing gene, I was a great explainer.
Yes, you can do it if you want to. Go fulfill your dream.
I love this for you so much. I too was terrified of college, didn’t start going until after marriage and two kids, and didn’t get my bachelor’s until I was 59. I have a friend who took one course a semester for I dunno how many years until she got her AA degree in her early 60s. I’m happy for you to have this adventure.
I think it’s awesome that you decided to take an online course. Learning is something we do all our lives. I’m a technical writer by trade (I did go to college and got what I jokingly refer to as my I-don’t-know-what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up-degree, aka a Bachelor’s degree in General Studies: Humanities, majoring in English and Theater Arts with a Math/Science minor). More important than just the details of any particular class, was learning how to learn and think for myself. Because of the nature of what I do for a living, I’m naturally having to learn new technologies in order to explain to others how they work. But I also have a need for expressing myself creatively. So I’m learning crafting skills such as card making and lettering. If I didn’t need to have a day job, I could easily keep myself busy for the rest of my life with all the things I want to learn and explore.
Hi Wil! Has what you learned in this course caused you to look at your novel-in-progress in a different way? And when the heck are we going to get to read it!! Ha!
The part about your revelation regarding today’s lecture is something I read multiple times. I offer this insight to others but rarely heed it myself. Your words are a mantra that will bring peace to my mind. Thank you for sharing
BRAVO, WIL!
What is stopping you now from going to college? I am 46 and I am in college right now. You’re only one year older than me. I know plenty of people your age starting college now. Matter of fact, I recently saw an 86 year old woman graduate with her first bachelors. So if a college education has such great value to you just look at colleges and enroll. If an 86 year old woman can certainly someone like you at 47 years almost 40 years younger than her certainly can too.
I do understand you are taking a series of writing courses. Are they Adult Enrichment Courses? Or are they courses that earn College credit specifically to complete a degree such as a four year Bachelor’s Program? Is getting a 4 year Bachelor’s Degree in Writing something that you value doing and acquiring?
What is your relationship with your parents now?
Beautiful, Wil.
Sounds like we had similar experiences growing up. I salute your courage.
“I doubt myself way too much. I’m smarter and more capable than I was raised to believe I am, and it would serve me well to trust my instincts more..”
This resonates with me more than anything I’ve ever read. For some reason, maybe it’s just timing, it’s exactly what I needed.
Congratulations on Finishing! Finishing is one of the hardest hurdles and one of the most rewarding. If you are still into philosophy I highly recommend “Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar… Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes” by Thomas Cathcart & Daniel Klein which I just finished.
Also, EDX.org is a wonderful place to find challenging course work provided by major universities, it’s a great confidence builder to find that not only can you get through a course from a major university but you actually understand the subject matter and can put it to use (it can also be a great come back if someone is so insecure they feel the need to belittle a thirst for learning, i.e. “You should try ‘course name’ from ‘name of major university’, I found it quite enlightening” ;). They had quite a number of history courses available last time I visited if that’s where your interests take you.
PS: While I was quickly disillusioned during the time I spent at college (women were encouraged to go for their Mrs not their BA or PhD) I found the best group to be part of was GDI (“Gosh Darn Independent” phrased politely) that way you can go to all the parties without all the BS, but then, I’ve never been much of a joiner. 🙂
Well Done – this is excellent news about you (and your bedhead)!
Learning how to learn again is the ultimate challenge for adults being out of the academic loop for so long. Last year I decided to quit my job and return to school on a full time on a teaching assistant-ship to pursue a master’s degree. Holy shit, what a smack in the face. I had to re-learn all the basics again and figure out how to interact with students that were literally old enough to be my kids.
Anyways, it was berserker until the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place.
One site that helped me gain confidence again as a student is the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.They claim ‘Science based insights for a meaningful life” – I would agree.
Below is a great article from them about learning: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_understanding_your_brain_can_help_you_learn
I hope you decide to take another class and further your skills in writing and the arts!
Onward and Upwards!
Another wonderful post, Wil. And you and I share the same regret. I didn’t graduate from college, and it mattered to me for a long time. I was also insecure about my abilities, the possibility of failure and an uncertainty about a field of study. My reasons for not advancing in school were different from yours – mostly economic. But once you find and use all those important excuses to justify skipping school, it becomes easier to find others, just as valid, to continue avoiding higher education. I recognize now that if I had REALLY wanted a degree, I could have found a way. I applaud your entry back into learning, although I believe you are extremely intelligent, and have been educating yourself all along. But it’s awesome to reinforce those lessons already absorbed.
Those invented voices that criticize, humiliate and minimize your efforts is the habit you have of keeping your dad along for the ride. Please cut him loose. My son is like you – sensitive, amazing, intelligent, funny, with the most wonderful tender heart. He has longed for his dad’s approval and respect since he was a little boy, and his dad withheld it. His father wasn’t abusive but he was emotionally unavailable. Luckily with counseling, my love and support, and marrying an awesome girl, he is able to celebrate his successes without any feedback from his dad. Your dad missed out on having a relationship with a terrific and extraordinary person. The very best part is that you’re nothing like him.
Since you’re interested in the Civil War and Reconstruction, I highly recommend checking out the historical audio drama 1865. It’s set in the days and weeks following Lincoln’s assassination, and I have learned so much from it! And it’s really well produced, and I got sucked right into it.
It’s so good to hear from you again Will! Your posts are always thought provoking.
I recognize the fear you had regarding college, since I had it myself. I finally overcame it at 25, and now I have a degree in astrophysics, which is great, but I’ve also found that working in research is not for me. Who know, maybe I should take an acting class!
Brandon Sanderson is amazing. I love his books! I didn’t know he offered online courses!
You know who likes fucking intellectuals? Other fucking intellectuals.
I’m finally going back to school after a 20 year gap, and I’ve been sober for a few years now too. HURRAH, HURRAH for our 40s, the emotional maturity and clarity they bring to let us do this hard work and stretch ourselves and maybe even enjoy life a little bit more.
As always, thank you for sharing your life with us, Wil.
I’m proud of you Wil.
I went back to college as an adult and graduated in December ‘17 with a BA in English. And most of what I learned was about myself. Sometimes a class simply confirmed what I already knew; but THAT ALONE was worth it. There’s tons of free and online learning experiences which have great content. Interacting with the other students is also a great experience, whether online or IRL.
And as one person who thought she was stupid and then found out she wasn’t – I am ridiculously proud that I entered into this just to learn stuff … and then come out the other side with a Summa Cum Laude, even if I never show it or brag to anybody – accept in an occasional comment.
Go you!
I went to college at 40. The best advice I got was “Don’t quit your day job. Take a course that is intrinsically interesting to you and will apply toward the degree you want eventually. That way, your time is not wasted no matter what.” It worked. I got a new career out of it and found that being a student was the cushiest job I ever had. Too bad the pay was so bad, especially after plumbing.
I was flabbergasted to learn you briefly lived in Topeka, Kansas in the 1990s after Star Trek: The Next Generation. I lived next door in Manhattan, KS.
“I’m smarter and more capable than I was raised to believe I am…”
This. That, right there. Yes.
Reading the details of your dad’s negative influence pissed me off greatly, because sadness me react with anger. Re: learning – now is always the right time.
Stop beating yourself up, I’m 63 and I can tell you that at that age back in the day I didn’t know a whole lot of people that weren’t insecure, none of us had a clue about what to do or how to be a responsible adult.
I am so proud of you.
Coursera and Canvas are what I take classes on. Canvas had a couple GREAT comic book classes and Coursera has just about everything. The paleontology classes offered by University of Alberta are a personal fave! I gave up on so many things I loved because I thought I was bad at science. I’m not, I freaking love science! I watch Nature and Nova on PBS. Science channel! I have a college degree (in philosophy so I am a formidable Superfight or Red Flags opponent as I can argue the hind legs off a donkey) but there’s still so much I wanna learn about! Mostly dinosaurs. 🙂
Great news Wil. Glad you are enjoying it.
Always remember
“What you do matters”
I graduated in 2006 and was planning my dissertation, even started writing some pages. Then my eldest son arrived and poof went my university career.
I started studying again 10 years later, when my kids were 10, 8 and 6 years old, because I wanted to become a teacher. Some people (not many) were making fun of me, my parents mostly worried that kids, dog, house and university would be top much.
I graduated again last year and I enjoyed university even more than the first time.
It’s never too late to start something new and learning, accumulating knowledge, just for the sake of knowing more things is great. And fun. And so, so rewarding.
Sidenote: I studied philosophy – get rid of Nietzsche, start reading Kant 😉
As an adjunct professor of the Civil War, who teaches intro course to CW history, I would strongly suggest giving David Blight’s Yale Open Course a try:
https://oyc.yale.edu/history/hist-119
And also, Dr. Allen Guelzo’s offerings in The Great Courses are fantastic – I took his American Intellectual History “live” in undergrad and it blew my mind. It’s how philosophy and American history collide.
I’m a lecturer at university and I value education very much, but learning is not something that only happens in classrooms. Obviously, you’ve managed to do a great deal of learning on your own – going to college would have given you mentors to ease your path, but you would still have to walk it by yourself. If you feel like it, take a course on astronomy, or calculus, or something else you would consider too difficult – if it’s a good introductory course, chances are you’ll find it easier than expected.
Thank you for sharing your story – I too feel inadequate often, it helps to know it is possible to overcome the feeling.
Amazing, Wil.
My heart aches for the younger you who had the critical inner voice imposed on you from your Dad. No wonder you’ve been struggling with anxiety given an inner voice (and parent) running you down In such a way!
Hooray for taking the course! Hooray for being validated!
Hooray for the important life lesson: “I’m smarter and more capable than I was raised to believe I am, and it would serve me well to trust my instincts more. I should listen to my OWN voice when I’m creating, and not invent voices that criticize me, humiliate me, or minimize my accomplishments.”
So many of us struggle with that. To be confident in our inner voices is truly a gift. I hope the encouragement you receive from your family, good friends, and this blog/social media comments serve to feed the fuel that will make your realization a reality in your everyday life.
As always, thank you so much for sharing.
I am a college professor and I can tell you that that IS what college is about. Go you!
I went back to school in my forties. Got a degree in Computer Science. It can be done. Even got better grades now that I am not drinking.
I never did the formal university experience, I started attending community college while in high school out of boredom and never stopped. I got good jobs in computer programming/database without a four-year degree up until I moved to southern NM when I got married, and there just aren’t very many SQL Server jobs. Took online courses to get an Associates degree in Library Science, landed a job in a library and will go full-time in January! It pays poorly (fortunately my wife makes good bucks) but it’s very satisfying.
Education is a great thing, I’m glad you’re pursuing it. I’ve always believed the saying “You stop learning on the day you die” and I try to learn every day.
If you want to learn more about history, I’d strongly recommend getting Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong, by James Loewen. It came out in ’95 and has been a persistent best seller. It might give you a better and more critical perspective when studying other history sources.