Hi. I’m Wil, and it’s been five years and one day since my last drink. Happy birthday to me.

Yesterday, I marked the fifth anniversary of my decision to quit drinking alcohol. It was the most consequential choice I have ever made in my life, and I am able to stand before you today only because I made it.

I was slowly and steadily killing myself with booze. I was getting drunk every night, because I couldn’t face the incredible pain and PTSD I had from my childhood, at the hands of my abusive father and manipulative mother.

It was unsustainable, and I knew it was unsustainable, but when you’re an addict, knowing something is unhealthy and choosing to do something about it are two very different things.

On January 8, 2016, I was out in the game room, watching TV and getting drunk as usual. I was trying to numb and soothe the pain I felt, while also deliberately hurting myself because at a fundamental level, I believed the lies the man who was my father told me about myself: I was worthless. I was unworthy of love. I was stupid. The things I loved and cared about were stupid. It did not matter if I lived or died. Nobody cared about me, anyway.

I knocked a bottle into the trash, realized I had to pee, and — so I wouldn’t disturb Anne — did not go into the bathroom, but instead walked out into the middle of my backyard and peed on the grass. I turned around, and there was Anne. I will never forget the look on her face, this mixture of sadness and real fear.

“I am so worried about you,” was all she had to say. I’d been feeling it for a long time, and I faced a stark choice that I had known I was going to face sooner or later.

“So am I.”

Roughly 12 hours later, I woke up with the headache (hangover) I always had. For the first time in years, I accepted that I brought it on myself, instead of blaming it on allergies or the wind.

I picked up my phone, and I called Chris Hardwick, my best friend, who had been sober for over a decade at that point.

“I need help,” I said. “I don’t think going to AA is for me, but I absolutely have a problem with alcohol and I need to stop drinking.”

He told me a lot of things, and we stayed on the call for hours. I realized that that it was as simple and complicated as making a choice not to drink, one day or even one hour at a time. So I made the choice. HOLY SHIT was it hard. The first 45 days were a real struggle, but with the love and support of my wife and best friend, I got through it.

2016 … remember that year? Remember how bad things got? I was constantly making the joke about how I picked the wrong year to quit drinking, while I continued to make the choice to not drink.

Getting clean allowed (and forced) me to confront *why* I drank to excess so much. It turns out that being emotionally abused and neglected by both parents, then gaslit by my mother for my entire life had consequences for my emotional development and mental health.

I take responsibility for my choices. I made the choice to become a drunk. I own that.

But I know that, had the man who was my father loved me the way he loves my siblings, had my mother just once put my needs ahead of her own, the overwhelming pain and the black hole where paternal love should be would not have existed in my life.

I made a choice to fill that black hole with booze and self-destructive behavior. That sort of put a weak bandage over the psychic wound, but it never lasted more than a few hours or days before I was right back to believing all the lies that man planted in my head about myself, and feeling like I deserved all of it. If he wasn’t right, I thought, why didn’t my mother ever stand up for me? If he wasn’t right, how come nothing I ever did was good enough for him? I must be as worthless and contemptible as he made me believe I was. Anyone who says otherwise is just being fooled by me. I don’t really deserve any happiness, because I haven’t earned it. Anne’s just settling. She probably feels sorry for me.
All of that was just so much. It was so hard. It hurt, all the time. Because my mother made my success as an actor the most important thing in her life, I grew up believing that being the most successful actor in the world was the only way she’d be happy. And if that would make her happy, maybe it would prove to the man who was my father that I was worthy of his love. When I didn’t book jobs, I took it SO PERSONALLY. Didn’t those casting people know how important this was? This wasn’t just an acting role. This was the only chance I have to make my parents love me!

The thing is, I didn’t like it. I didn’t love acting and auditioning and attention like my mother did. It was never my dream. It was hers, and she sacrificed my childhood, and ultimately my relationship with her and her husband, in pursuit of it.

I didn’t jump straight to “get drunk all the time” as a coping mechanism. For *years* I tried to have conversations with my parents about how I felt, and every single time, I was dismissed for being ungrateful, overly dramatic, or just making things up. When the man who was my father didn’t blow me off, he got mad at me, mocked me, humiliated me, made me afraid of him. I began to hope that he’d just blow me off, because it wasn’t as bad as the alternative.

It was so painful, and so frustrating, I just gave up and dove into as many bottles as I could find.

But then in 2016 I quit, and as my body began to heal from how much I’d abused it, my spirit began to heal, too. I found a room in my heart, and in that room was a small child, terrified and abused and unloved, and I opened my arms to him. I held him the way he should have been held by our parents, and I loved him the way he deserved to be loved: unconditionally. I promised him that I would protect him from them. They could never hurt him again.

I realized I had walked up to that door countless times over the years, and I had always chosen to walk right past it and into a bar, instead.
But because I had made the choice to stop drinking, to stop hiding from my pain, to stop self-medicating, I could see that door clearly now. I could hear that little boy weeping in there, as quietly as possible, because he was so afraid that someone was going to come in and hurt him.
Sobriety let me see that my mother had been lying to me, and maybe to herself, about who that man was to me. I realized that the man who was my father had been a bully to me my whole life. I accepted and fucking OWNED that it wasn’t my fault. It was a choice he made, and while I will never know why, I knew what had happened to me. I knew my memories were real, and I hoped that, armed with this new certainty and confidence, I could have a heart-to-heart with my parents, and begin to heal these wounds. So I wrote to my parents, shared a lot of my feelings and fears, and finally told them, “I feel like my dad doesn’t love me.”

I know some of you are parents. What do you do when your child says that to you? What is your first instinct? Pick up the phone right away? Send a text right away? Somehow communicate to your child immediately that, no, they are wrong and they are not unloved, right? Well, if you’re my parents, you ignore me and go radio silent (for two months if you’re my mother, four months if you’re my father.) And then when you finally do acknowledge the email, you are incensed and offended. How dare I be so hateful and cruel and ungrateful! Nothing is more important than family! How could I say such hurtful things?! Why would I make all that up?

I had changed. They had not. They will not. Ever.

So, I want to be clear: I take responsibility for the choice I made to become a full-time drunk. But I also hold my parents accountable for the choices they made, including this one.

Their silence during those long weeks told me everything I needed to know, and my sobriety was severely tested for the first time. Everything I had always feared, everything I had been drinking to avoid, was right there, in my face. When they finally acknowledged me, and made it all about their feelings, I knew: this was never going to change. I mean, I’d known that for years, maybe for my whole life, but I still held out hope that, somehow, something would be different.

During those weeks, I spent a lot of time on the phone with Chris, spent a lot of time with Anne, and filled a bunch of journals. But I didn’t make the choice to pick up a drink. I’d committed to taking better care of myself, so I could be the husband and father my family deserved. So I could find the happiness that *I* deserve.

Once I was clean, I had clarity, and so much time to do activities! I was able to clearly and honestly assess who I was, and *why*. I was able to love myself and care for myself in ways that I hadn’t before, because I sincerely believed I didn’t deserve it.

I will never forget this epiphany I had one day, while walking through our kitchen: If I was the person the man who was my father made me believe I was, there is no way a woman as amazing and special as Anne would choose to spend her life with me. Why this never occurred to me up to that point can be found under a pile of bottles.

Not having parents sucks. It hurts all the time. But it hurts less than what I had with those people, so I continue to make the choice to keep them out of my life.

After five years, I don’t miss being drunk at all. It is not a coincidence that the last five years have been the best five years of my life, personally and professionally. In spite of everything 2020 took from us (and I know it’s taken far more from others than it took from me), I had the best year I’ve ever had in my career — and this is *my* career, being a host and a writer and audiobook narrator. This is what *I* want to do, and I still feel giddy when I take time to really own that I am finally following *MY* dream. It’s a shame I don’t have parents to share it with, but I have a pretty epic TNG family who celebrate everything I do with me.

I wondered how I would feel, crossing five years without a drink off the calendar. I thought I’d feel celebratory, but honestly the thing I feel the most is gratitude and resolve.

I am grateful that I have the love and support of my wife and children. I am grateful that I have so much privilege, this wasn’t as hard for me as it could have been. I am grateful that, every day, I can make a choice to not drink, and it’s entirely MY CHOICE.

Because I quit drinking, I had the clarity I needed to see WHY I was drinking, and I had the strength to confront it. It didn’t go the way I wanted or hoped, but instead of numbing that pain with booze, I have come to accept it, as painful as it is.

And even with that pain, my life is immeasurably better than it was, and for that I am immeasurably grateful.

Hi. I’m Wil, and it’s been five years and one day since my last drink. Happy birthday to me.

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177 thoughts on “Hi. I’m Wil, and it’s been five years and one day since my last drink. Happy birthday to me.”

  1. What a beautiful sharing of your story. I am so happy for you. The best way I can describe it after ten years sober is that I finally became a human being. I now am capable of feeling all the feelings I had suppressed all those years, good and bad. I realized that I am worthy and don’t have to be perfect. I can be genuine and don’t have to pretend I am something I am not. And I am incredibly grateful. It’s an ongoing journey of the spirit.

  2. Happy sobriety birthday, Wil! Five years is a very long time and a worthy celebration. ❤️❤️❤️

  4. Congratulations Wil, what a brilliant achievement. Thankyou for sharing your story with all of us.

  6. Happy birthday and sobriety. I can relate to much of your story and I continue to live my own sobriety (it was 3 years on 11/12/20) a day at a time. I appreciate your willingness to share your insights, thoughts, and feelings. You are enough. I am enough. I wish you continued success, positivity, happiness and love throughout your life. Best wishes from a fellow human who believes in you.

  8. My neighbor mostly hangs out in his detached garage and I’ve caught him peeing in his backyard. I thought he just hated his girlfriend–they fight all the time–and he didn’t want to go in the house, but now I’m wondering if he may have an alcohol problem. Thank you for sharing your story, Wil.

  9. Best. Decision. Ever. . Its been 10 for me and I finally had to stop the lie that I already knew I was an alcoholic years before I quit. Im proud of you, it is the easier choice to numb the pain and then shame but definitely not the beat one. Here’s to you and many more years!

  10. Congratulations for making it past the addiction and the parents who let you down so severely. And Happy Birthday, Wil. Being happy should always be based on loving yourself for the strong person you know you are. We must let go of people who discount us and cause us to feel less than we are. Wishing you the best in 2021
    Hugs,
    Brenda

  11. It’s so unbelievably difficult and brave to choose against those coping mechanism we develop due to what we learned before we even knew we were learning it. You are inspiring and I thank you for sharing! Also, happy 5th birthday!

  14. I am grateful that the good choices you have made have been rewarding for you. I am grateful that you were able to be such a good father to your sons, and they will never doubt that their father loves them. I am grateful for all the wisdom you have shared with the world, helping us to make the choice to be kind to ourselves and to each other, while also being honest with ourselves. Thank you for living the good life you are living – it makes the world a better place for everyone!

  17. Sorry Wil, but after all I’ve read the past 15-20 years from you, I’d say choosing Anne was your most “consequential” choice. What would your alternate timeline be like without her?

  18. Congratulations! This is amazing news! So nice to hear good news for a change.👏👏👏 But knowing your parents are like mine, makes me sad. I know how hard it is, and sometimes I feel guilty for disowning them. I hope you find your peace. 💛

  19. Hi, Wil. Congratulations. You’ve given your inner child an amazing gift – you’re the dad (and mom) your birth parents could not be.

  21. OMGs, so much congrats! Fellow sober person here. Yep, it can be painfully hard, and yep, it’s incredibly rewarding, and yep, these past 26+ years have been the best ever, even with all the hard times. I think you’re awesome.

  22. Happy Birthday Will Wheaton. You deserve it. Thanks for sharing I know it hits hard for many of us that have been there. All the love

  24. I chose to stop drinking in October. I know that if I pick up one bottle, I’ll be drinking all night, so choosing not to pick up the first one is the first step. It’s getting easier, day by day, to continue to choose not to drink. Here’s to you, man, and to the conscious choice.

  26. Wow! I am bowled over by your authenticity, Wil, your honesty, your integrity and your courage. I also was very moved by how well your piece is written, too as the words capture so accurately how you are feeling, and, boy, do they LITERALLY JUMP OFF THE PAGE! Thanks so for sharing such a powerful and moving post! You have enriched the lives of so many by this wonderful piece of writing,

    Most Sincerely,
    Tim Quinlan.

  27. Dear Wil,

    You rock. As does that amazing woman you’re married to. As do your two wonderful kids.

    Brains are filthy liars sometimes. Well done finding the truth underneath.

    Happy birthday, lovely one.

  29. You’ve had to make some terrible decisions but I think you’ve made the right one each time. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else and I’m glad you see now that you’re worth it.

    Peace, love, and strength to you and yours.

  30. Happy birthday and I’m so proud of you, friend! Proud of every time you wanted a drink but didn’t have one. Proud of all the healing you were able to do and the clarity (even if the clarity made things hurt more) that enabled you to find the root of the problem and cut it off.

    When you talked about the room with the small boy in it, I thought of Rocketman. There’s a scene in which Elton, while in rehab, kneels down and hugs his younger self, the way he always wanted his father to hug him. It made me cry then and reading your description made me cry again.

    I wish that every year from here on out just gets better for you, in all the ways. virtual hugs

  33. Happy birthday to you, Wil! So proud of you and the obstacles you’ve overcome and are still overcoming! Keep up the good work doing what YOU enjoy doing. I love listening to your audiobooks and still remember how giddy I used to get over Wesley Crusher every time I treat myself to a TNG binge. 😂 You’re pretty awesome!

  34. This is maybe weird to say to a total stranger, especially since we’re basically the same age, but as a parent, I am so proud of you. It really sucks to grow up with shitty parents, and it sucks in new and special ways to realize they were shitty and make an adult decision to step away from their abuse. You’re doing great. Keep it up. <3

  35. Wil, I’m so proud of you! That first step five years ago was probably the hardest thing you ever did. Just as you discovered that Anne’s love for you meant that you are worthy, know also that God, the Universe, All That Is, whatever term you choose, doesn’t make mistakes. You exist, therefore you are worthy; if you weren’t worthy, you wouldn’t exist. I think you have a handle on that, but just in case you might waver a little, think of Anne and God (Higher Power, whatever) and know that you are loved! (Loved by all your fans, too!)

  36. Congratulations Wil on making in through 5 years and a day. Perhaps the most important part of that is the “and a day”. Keep making good choices and taking it one day at a time.
    I have long been a consumer of your work. Thank you for your work on ST:TNG. You were an integral and enjoyable part of that show. Thank you for the books, which touched me and were meaningful. Thank you for all the movies over the years. I saw Stand By Me (amazing) because you were in it and most recently I just watched Rent-A-Pal. I avoid horror but gave it a try because of you. I was creeped out but also in awe of seeing your performance. That role and its accompanying challenges was something I had never seen before and it seemed like you nailed it. Thank you for the podcasts and posts. Thank you especially for all the audio books you have read/narrated. I have spent countless hours listening as you help bring these stories and worlds to life.
    I wish you all the best and even if you never produce any more art, you have had a positive impact on innumerable lives. I hope you can feel some satisfaction in this, one day at a time.

  37. HI Will, I’m Luke, and Happy Birthday. It’s been 23 years for me, and it is always getting better. One day at a Time.
    Keep up the Great Work

  38. Happy Birthday, Wil! Thank you for once again sharing something very important to you with us. I hope 2021 brings us all happiness because it’s been a rough couple of years.

  39. I am so happy for you that you learned the lessons you needed to learn, difficult though they may be, so you will never have to repeat them. Congratulations! All the best is in front of you!

  40. I made my choice to stop drinking because I became a single parent to two little girls, ages four and six. I reconciled with my father a few years before he died, and while I can’t say I was the best parent, had I not quit drinking, I would have been a supremely bad parent. Congratulations on five years. My youngest is now in her forties.
    Oh, here in Portland, OR we have a meteorologist on one of our local TV stations named Joseph Danes, and every time I see him I think of you. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was your brother, he looks so much like you. Just saying.
    Lowell Haffner

  41. hi wil.
    i know you called it ptsd but you actually have complex trauma (c-ptsd). You can’t really manage it the same way although of course its related.

    Have you read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der kolk? I think it’s a good introductory book recommended for those who just learned about their complex ptsd. Also perhaps get materials by researcher Gabor Mate who has dealt specifically with the addiction and childhood trauma relationship.

    I would never say we can’t heal from our childhood trauma but i think it’s a lifelong journey of managing it, re-adjusting life, or whatever the hell you want to call it simply because it truly is a deep and complex condition. Literally our brains did not form normal connections and function like “normal” people. (Yes this also results from childhood emotional abuse.)

    Anyway, i don’t know if you’ll actually read this but i send you a very sincere congratulations on your sobriety. <3

  43. Happy birthday, and happy rest of your better life! Seriously, having a good life certainly helps with sobriety (and vice versa).

    I can’t tell you about how I would react to a child, because I never had any. I knew I did not know what good parenting was, nor unconditiona love, and broke the chain. (So did 3 of my 4 siblings).

  48. Wil,
    Congrats on your sober bday… 5 years is great! I’ve really been enjoying your Ready Rooms and your Audio book readings vis a vis the Ready Player books. I’m not big into audio books ordinarily, but really enjoy yours!
    I have a mother who is a narcissist and have recently stopped hoping for a different outcome from her. It was hard to do, especially during covid and quarantining alone. There’s always the little girl in me wanting her mommy, but she’s been growing up fast lately and it’s a relief to not have to deal with her, most days. I feel your pain, but reparenting yourself is definitely the way back machine, and it’s going great, all things considered.
    One final thought, please stop calling me nerd on Ready Room! Just kidding, for the most part, but it is a twinge triggering. I know you mean it in the best way. Lol.
    Wishing you continued happiness and success in 2021 as Rome burns!
    You’re the best!

  50. So wonderful that you are taking care of yourself. You really are a wonderful human being who has made a difference in so many lives, and seeing you working to love yourself is inspiring as well. Anne has extremely good taste and I think you need to just trust that! Also a personal thanks for making such a difference in my life. Your work makes a difference to me, and your wisdom has helped me be a better person. Thanks and Happy Birthday!

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