It’s like … 1980, probably. Maybe late 1979. It’s the summer in Los Angeles, and it is as hot as I can remember. The smog is so thick, you can taste an oily sheen in air that looks overcast, all the time.
I’m in the back seat of my godmother’s car. My little sister and little brother are on either side of me. We didn’t wear seatbelts in those days, which is nuts but it’s how it was.
My mother has enlisted my godmother (who is my aunt, my father’s sister) to drive me on a commercial audition that I don’t want to go to. I presume my father was at work and my mother had some audition of her own, so my godmother ended up with three kids, plus my cousin, in her VW.
I can see this like it just happened. I’m sitting up on my heels, on that sort of plastic seat that 1970s Volkswagens had, with the waffle pattern. I look into her eyes in the rearview mirror, and I decide that it’s time to ask for help.
“Aunt Dorothy, will you tell my mom that I don’t want to do this anymore? Will you tell my mom that I just want to be a kid?”
What 8 year-old has to beg their mother to “let” them be a kid? What kind of mother doesn’t hear that? What kind of father doesn’t care?
You know the answers — well, my answers — to those questions.
She looks back at me, and she says, as kindly and gently as ever, “You have to tell your mom that, but I’ll go with you if you want.”
And that’s when I knew that I was never going to just be a kid, because my mother refused to listen to me, refused to hear me, refused to see me as a person. I was her property, a tool to be used that would get her closer to her dreams, dreams she was focused on so singularly, she stole my childhood from me (before she and my dad stole all my money from me) and then lied to me about it.
I can’t count the number of times I begged her, “please let me just be a kid. I just want to be a kid.” I said those words through tears so many times, I can still feel how my throat burned with grief and fear and desperation. I can feel how much I was suffering, how unhappy I was, how I just wanted to be a kid, and how awful it was to be dismissed and gaslighted about it.
“You made a commitment,” was something she would say to me all the time, as if a seven year-old can understand what that means. “I gave up my career so you can have yours,” she told me, throughout my entire childhood, every time I wanted to quit, which was pretty much all the time.
It hurt, so much, to feel unheard, unseen, unsupported, and unloved. It was shameful to lie about it, to protect my abusers, for 46 years of my life. I know that it is the root cause of my CPTSD, my Depression, and my Anxiety.
Which brings me to the whole reason I told this story today.
My friend, Mayim, has a mental health podcast, and she asked me if I’d come on to talk about living with Depression. I said yes, and in the course of our conversation, we ended up talking quite a lot about my experience with selfish, narcissist, emotionally abusive, parents.
It’s intense. In fact, it’s so intense, this is the second podcast we did. With Mayim’s blessing, I spiked the first time we talked, because I felt like it was just way too raw and made me uncomfortable. So we had a second conversation, and it’s going to come out tomorrow.
Here’s a preview. What you don’t hear, just before this clip starts, is that my mother made me go to her commercial agency when I was just seven years-old, and coached me to tell the kid’s agent, “I want to do what mommy does.”
Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown is at Spotify, Apple, and all the usual places.
It really strikes me that you write about not being seen, on a current platform full of people that not only see you and hear you, but also love and respect you so much. I know that it doesn’t make up for any amount of history with family, but I hope you can see it as it is in present day.
You are SO seen and heard, and will always be loved and respected through all of your evolutions by myself and so many others.
I will never forget your kindness and gentleness to me every time I’ve seen you, even when I said stupid things out of anxiousness and panic. Even as you were dealing with hundreds or thousands of people and your own private struggles, you have an amazing way of making me feel seen and heard, even if it can only be for a brief minute. I’ve always been so grateful for that.
I was not aware that Mayim had a podcast, and I’m so in. Can’t wait to hear it!
Much love to you and Anne. <3
Nicely put, Syndelin.
Very much agree. The internet has really conditioned me to see a comment like that be meant as snarky and insulting, but turn out to be very positive.
Yeah, I see how it could look snarky. But I meant it well. Glad you saw that!
Also, why did I hyphenate insulting?
Stories like yours and those of us who raised ourselves and our narcissistic parents are why so many of our own age group as parents did our hardest work to make sure our kids grew up knowing it was ok to be themselves. Always keep speaking your truth. I always call myself a fan but I don’t say often enough how much it is that I am more a fan of the person you are now as much if not more than of your career. You inspire many even if you don’t know it. That voice that no one would listen to when you were little, so many of us love hearing loud and clearly now.
Thank you so much for being vulnerable to your fans and the public when you have no obligation to do so. I’m so happy seeing all of your positive changes, and it is truly inspiring.
Thank you for being so open and sharing your experiences.
Wtf dude. Why did she single you out? Did she drag your siblings to do any of this?
Thank you, Wil. You give so much of yourself and I’m glad you’re dealing with what you need. One of the things that has always bothered me about Next Gen is that otherwise good episode with Lore and Data. When Picard says, “Shut up Wesley”, that hurts. Someone you look up to treats you like a numbskull. Your acting and control in that scene are so very real that the last time I saw it, I couldn’t help it. I said “No, you shut up, Captain!”. As if he could have heard me! Thank you for taking back the power to push back. And like the pillow says, “I love you Wesley!” And you and Anne for all you dol!
So many need to hear your message. Sadly the one that need to hear and take heed are the parents/adults doing similar things to kids, however they are the ones deaf to these messages. Please take care of yourself and also of your childself.
Of the many things I have done in life I am most proud of the fact that I re-raised my inner child and gave my children a safer childhood. Not a perfect upbring – but so much safer than the one I had. And now, the grandchild is being raised in an even safer and healthier loving home.
What a wonderful thing to know you broke free from the abuse cycle and to see your boys grow and develop into healthy adult from having a great dad and mom to love and guide them.
I am proud of myself for what I did, and for what it is worth, I am proud of you to Wil.
Thank you, Wil. I subscribe to Mayim’s podcast, and some of it is so raw and painful, some of it I just can’t listen to. Sometimes I take breaks and go back when I’ve regained control of my breathing and heart rate. So much of it is reliving trauma, or about reliving trauma. My own, well I’ve accepted that my normal is just not the same as other people’s normal. And with decades of therapy and medication, my mental and emotional injuries are managed better than ever. I watched you grow up. You are the same age as my daughter. That I found you as an adult, and followed your journey here for (lost count of how many) years now, I’m grateful to you for sharing it. I’ll listen tomorrow and think of your process.
This reasonates with me so much. I, of course, was not a child actor, but my parents favored my younger sister so much. I always heard either “You need to set a good example for your sister,” from my Dad. Or, “Please just be a big girl just this one time,” from my mom who didn’t want to deal with whatever my sister was having a tantrum over that day. I said over and over “please let me be a kid.” My parents didn’t listen either. Thank you for sharing.
I just wanna hug you so much
One of the things I like most about you, Mr. Wheaton, is that you gifted us all with this incredible community. I love how your fans fill the comments with positivity.
Courage is refusing to let fear win, for it to control your life. I celebrate your continued fight, and long for you to find the peace you so richly deserve.
Thank you, Wil, for sharing your life with us. Yes, it’s raw and painful, but it’s also very hopeful, especially when we look at the person you’ve become. I’m sorry your mom didn’t listen to you, the way I listened to my daughter when, despite my ex’s expectations for her “career” when she was 5, she said “I just want to be a kid.” We stopped and never looked back. You’re awesome – believe it. Because you are, not for what you’ve done, but because of who you created yourself to be.
I actually first saw you act in Star Trek TNG before seeing Stand By Me. I knew of the movie and that it was considered a big favorite and that you were one of the lead characters. But although I hadn’t seen it was excited to hear you were cast in The Next Generation. I understood what others said about your character from Stand By Me and how much they like you.
So I just had to see Stand By Me before the new Star Trek aired and I love it and your character. I knew I would love Wesley before I even saw the pilot. I was not disappointed and really enjoyed the show most before you left.
Later I learned you suffered in childhood and didn’t want to act. I was so sorry to hear it because it seemed so cool to be a kid and be an actor. Especially in a Star Trek series which I have always loved. You have always treated your fans with such compassion. You’ve been great to me both times we’ve met. The first convention I told you that I only wanted to attend to see you. I meant it with all my heart. I grew to love you and Wesley and I disliked anyone saying “Shut Up Wesley!”
Great article. Thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable. You have, are, and will help more people that you will ever know.
One question: when you said “With Mayim’s blessing, I spiked the first time we talked, because I felt like it was just way too raw and made me uncomfortable.” What was meant by “spiked”?
In this context, it means “canceled”, or “killed”.
This seems like a good place to stash some Discord invites: https://discord.gg/WzNqXVsx
Now we’re in business! Could never catch one on the book face feeding frenzy. I’m finally iiiiinnnn!! /napoleon dynamite yeesss.
That’s super sweet of you Wil! Hopefully some of the readers who are also on Discord will take advantage of the opportunity. I’m not on there myself but I’m sure there are plenty of people who would take you up on your invite.
Okay. Cool. Done. See you there.
hugs you, just… hugs you very hard
This. One thing the pandemic has taught me, a 60 year old straight white male, is that I miss and appreciate hugs. Crazy. But that was my thought, too. Hugs.
Dude the summer of 1984 on the Berthon was where it was at
Thank you so much for sharing, Wil. I wish I had your courage.
Hi Wil – so glad to see you posting again here, I’ll read every word. Not sure I will ever listen to your session with Mayim but maybe not really for me anyways (all text thanks, no audiobooks / podcasts, they just don’t land in my brain). Very cool progress that you can put yourself out there like this.
It looks like the Youtube videos have captions. Admittedly, they seem to be auto-generated, so they may not be perfect, but you might like to hit mute and just read the captions. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTOocPnDh2YQZZwh86K2OxA
I wish your parents and all family members who’ve treated you badly would get their comeuppance; that they see, taste, feel, and understand to their core exactly what they did and have done to you. And feel utter shame.
For you I wish that one day, you’ll never think about them again. You are a made man and you did it without them. You ought to be doing the Travolta Saturday Night Fever strut every day.
Dear Wil, i cannot thank you enough for being so honest and open about all this. My deeply narcissistc mother died in March, a few weeks ago, and, honestly, all I feel is relief. I do not mourn because she made my childhood and my teenage years pure hell. I fully understand and feel you, and I’m just happy for you for having become the person you are today. (I know my English is weird, sorry for that, I’m German ;))
All the best for you, Anne, Ryan and Nolan!
Nicole
I have been hoping to see you on Mayim’s podcast since the first episode. Incredible episode. So thankful for your candor and truth.
Wil, I agree with everyone else here that you are an inspiration to people struggling with depression, anxiety and CPTSD.
Saying that, I have to say this: Your childhood experiences echo perfectly those I’ve heard from virtuoso musicians, athletes, anyone who’s achieved success in their career, who remember how they begged to be let off their practice sessions for just one day to go out and play, but were forced to practice by their parents, to practice to the point of exhaustion.
These parents were perceived by the child, to not be listening to their needs & desires. Yet without this “forcing” behavior, by the parents, would the person have succeeded in their profession?
Children are not self-disciplined enough to endure the discomfort that comes with what has to be done to rise to the top of one’s profession. Would you have the platform you have today to help those who love you & need what you give, were it not for your successful acting career and the fact that your cries to your parents to “just be a child” went unheeded? What would you be doing now? Would you have preferred to be an accountant or an insurance salesman who had loving parents who’d listened to his pleas, instead of wanting something more for him than they had achieved? (Granted, your parents did not seem to have had your interests at heart AND later stole your money; I totally believe you on this).
I also came up via Narcissistic parents who NEVER listened to a word I said and my father sounds as selfish as yours. Life is all about him and we were just like pets, meant to do things that he could brag to his friends about or be beaten if we did not obey. Unfortunately, this was in a time when children were rarely to be seen and never heard, so no one thought twice about the bruises on my face or my split lip when I went to school.
I wish that at least, along with the abuse, they had pushed me to undertake a career from which I would now derive adult success, fame, income and connections in the industry. They did not, because I was female and they wanted me to “marry money”. I did not.
What I’m trying to say here is a cliché. Life is a double edged sword. Sometimes the bad side is sharper than the good. At least you have a good life now; if only you could get the Men In Black device to wipe your memory from a certain point, backward and only remember what happened after you left your parents control.
I’d love to hear what your advice to parents would be, or tell us what attitude you adopted when raising your own children.
What can parents do to push their kids in a direction they see as being good for their future life, but at the same time showing them that they are loved and heard. The two seem mutually exclusive to me. Should children just be left to float without direction in their lives to prevent them from growing up feeling that their parents “forced them” into doing something they didn’t want to do? What is the answer?
It says volumes that Wil does not respond. I don’t think he’s ever processed this — the tremendous privilege he enjoyed as the son of two ambitious, driven and well-off white people. His (flawed) parents launched him, and he hates them for it — still the child he was, angry and uncomprehending.
I have my own stories of my parents’ mistakes which left their mark on me. Wil and I are close in age, in class, in race, in upbringing. Our parents sound very similar. My father was distant and hypercritical, to the point that I learned to avoid him and do everything in my power to prevent him criticizing me — which not only made me emotionally resilient but also accomplished in school and athletics.
At the time I hated my father — and my mother who didn’t defend me, whose emotional mushiness I despised — so I well understand where Wil comes from. After graduation I didn’t go home for a long time. I needed to feel independent and self-directed before I could return to my parents and in time, forgive them.
I never attempted to confront my parents about the pain, loneliness and pressure I’d carried in childhood. I knew that it would only produce defensiveness and result in frustration for everyone. Instead, I read as much as I could about psychology, trauma, parenting, abuse and the personal stories of others. I chose to educate myself in the comparative realities of others.
And what I got was… perspective. I did not have it nearly as bad as some. I was not abused. In fact, I was lucky — privileged, even — to be American, to be white, to be housed and fed, to have my education fully paid for. I was blessed to have been pushed to my limits, forcing me to learn, adapt and grow strong in myself.
Would I have become the person I am without the trials of my childhood? NO. Emphatically no.
And neither would Wil.
Everything Wil is today is founded upon his upbringing — including his compassion, his deliberate parenting choices, his writing skill, his acting training, and his public prominence. The very fame he uses to punish his parents began with his mother taking him to all those auditions.
When I realized what I actually owed the people who raised me, who challenged me, who did not allow me to loaf, to give up, to quit or to just ‘be a kid,’ something remarkable happened.
I found peace with my childhood.
I forgave my parents who never apologized, but whom I knew had loved me despite their mistakes. We are still not that close — I could never be the daughter who stayed close to home, who called her mother daily, who had to come home every Christmas. They made me too independent for that.
Am I damaged? It depends on how I frame it. I can think of myself as a victim, or I can define myself by my achievements in life, which are considerable.
I became a military officer and I made my own way in the world. I have three children of my own and I make my mistakes with them, but I’ve tried to be aware at least of not making the mistakes my parents had, while still inculcating the sense of excellence, drive and self-discipline.
The difference between Wil and I seems to be that I achieved a perspective bigger than myself, that I did not expect any apologies from my parents whom I knew carried damage from their own childhoods, that I realized how fortunate I was in my privilege, and I built upon it consciously and with quiet gratitude. I might have had it so much worse, and that perspective saved me.
I feel compassion for Wil, and for my aging parents, and for anyone who finds themselves struggling with their childhoods, struggling not to repeat the generational errors of the past. The liberating path is self-awareness, then perspective, then unconditional forgiveness.
Wil is not there, and may never be there, from the sound of it. He may never be able to reach a place of healing, of forgiveness not needing apologies, of reconciliation for things long past. I’ve read his blogs and seen his interviews and the overwhelming subtext is that he is entrapped in what happened 40 years ago.
Children do need direction, guidance, discipline, high expectations AND they need love, compassion, acceptance and time off to ‘be a kid.’ It is not an either/or choice, but a balancing act. I know my eldest son holds some things against me — I have pushed him in ways he didn’t want to be pushed.
But my son also recognizes (even at 12) that it has been for one purpose: his development into a competent, capable adult. He does not like it — and does not need to like it — but he does understand it. He knows that he is loved and that everything I do for/to him comes from a place of love.
Perhaps Wil’s parents never gave him any context or reason for how they raised him. But at his age, which is also my age, one has the maturity and wisdom to figure it out for oneself. I hope he finds peace and can resolve his bitterness, before both his parents are dead — and beyond his reach.
That’s a lot of words to diminish, minimize, and invalidate my entire life experience.
You have a LOT of nerve.
Why I am on Wil Weaton’s site in the first place is because of my obsession with Stand By Me but as regards to Wil’s problems with his parents I don’t know. None of us were there so what do we really know. I’d like to give some great advice and make it all better but I can’t. I do take issue with Janet’s comment “still the child he was angry and uncomprehending”. That is a bit insulting to Wil.
Wil, I so wish ignorant people like Janet Cline would not even comment. Your experience was not her experience and she has no room to talk to you like that, as though she knows you and what you ought to do, and what’s good for you.
Only people who have experienced EXTREME trauma, and I do mean extreme, can understand the reverberations of pain and mental anguish that continue into adulthood. I’ve read about your journey for years and I do understand the fact you were so beaten down that recovery, even to the point where you are today, is a victory. And the struggle continues. You are not wallowing, you are not refusing to get help, you are not waiting for someone to wave a magic wand, you are not refusing to move forward.
Just an example from my childhood. I lived in fear all of the time, every day. My mother, brother and I never knew what would set him off. My brother got most of the physical abuse, but we were both psychologically abused. I never and still have not learned to love myself (and I am a good deal older than you) although I have done some things in life I feel proud of, and that includes acting and music. I was set physical chores no child should have to do; one was chopping ice plant with an axe, loading it into a wheelbarrow and hauling it away. I was forever belittled, told I was worthless, and would never amount to anything. When I was a young teenager, my father knocked me to the floor because he perceived I was smarting back in answer to a question and began kicking me in the leg with his heavy shoes on. It left a giant hematoma on my leg. I ran like a wounded animal and hid in some bushes in our rural neighborhood.
You don’t just recover from trauma overnight. You had the additional burden of being in front of the camera and then becoming known worldwide as an actor on a famous TV show. I don’t know that I would have survived that.
Hold your head up and don’t listen to the naysayers who have the temerity to “bitchsplain” your own trauma to you. They need to unsubscribe from your blog. I know you are doing the best you can, which is stellar.
Is that the best you can do with something you don’t want to hear?
Of course I could pat your back and patronize you like everyone else does, fawning over you and reinforcing your deep feelings of hurt.
But it would be dishonest, and I think you deserve more than validation or the pity of strangers.
Nothing is so useful as feedback which challenges our perceptions and asks us to examine the blind spots in our thinking. You are worthy of a caring challenge to the self-narrative you’ve created.
If I truly wanted to be unkind, I might say, here is a man who has the ‘nerve’ to:
1) exploit the celebrity his parents gave him,
2) traffic a narrative of suffering at their hands, and
3) use victimhood to perpetuate his celebrity.
That would be an uncharitable reading of what you’ve written. And if I thought that’s what you mean to do, I’d have clicked right past and not wasted time sharing my story.
But I offered a contrasting alternative, which you can either deny or process — your call.
Sometimes, kindness is neither sympathetic nor validating. I wish you well on a road I also travel.
Wow.
Please educate yourself on the art of holding space for someone. It has nothing to do with pity or patronizing.
Nothing that you have said has any bit of caring or kindness in it. If you truly think it does, you may have more issues left to work out than you thought.
Completely agree.
This ought to be a safe space for Wil to express himself (no wonder you left Twitter) – it’s his blog, after all. You’re going to have to consider the source, Wil, and the source does not even empathetically try to understand the depth of what you went through.
Shake it off, enjoy the Hell out of the rest of your day.
Gee Janet that is pretty harsh. We understand your point but that sounds a lot like “suck it up princess”. You say “use victimhood to perpetuate his celebrity” No insult to Wil I am a huge fan but Wil is not Beyonce, The Rock, Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. Wil is a celebrity but with a smaller and I like to think smarter following.
Wow…. just… wow. Just because someone comes to different types of acceptance and healing than you do, does not mean it’s not perfectly valid and right FOR THEM.
You can have perspective, and peace, and be healed… while also knowing that how you got there was totally fucked up and wrong. Great things being created out of crap situations doesn’t make them good situations.
Maybe you should try more learning from others and less educating yourself.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I needed this, and I needed it right now, in order to move forward. I’ve come so far, but I’ve been so stuck. This helps more than you can possibly know.
Wil, I’ve been ‘following’ your mental health journey for years because we have many similarities and I greatly admire your outlook. My question for you is this: how do you deal with the collateral damage from your parents that you mentioned? My wife and I are still finding broken relationships that my mother poisoned against us and she’s been gone for years. It’s one area I’m still fighting with, and I use that word specifically. Thank you, hope you’re well.
I used to watch Star Trek Next Generation and ALWAYS loved your character. I am about the same age (I am 42) so not quite! I realized a few years ago that I had a narcissistic mother. I loved the interaction between Wesley Crusher and Jean-Luc Picard. I just watched the episode today on Mayim’s channel and wanted to watch it because it was you speaking. I have similar things that I am suffering with because of some family issues. I remember SeaQuest DSV and Jonathan Brandis who took his own life and maybe he was one of your contemporaries who you were referring to.
It is refreshing to see how honest you are in expressing the stuff that you have been through. I was so shocked and sad and amazed how you are also creative and facing your stuff while you continue to be very creative. Your writing is really brilliant and you lead the reader in on your blogs. Wish I had stumbled across your stuff sooner. Thank you for sharing your story with us and been vulnerable. Really appreciate it so much.
I heard you on Mayim’s podcast and came looking for your blog, as it was mentioned. I’ve come across so many people in our generation with similar stories of emotional abuse. Specifically having their feelings dismissed by their parents. The point you made about living your truth as the reason you feel comfortable sharing what happened to you really resonated with me. Living an authentic life is something I feel is so important to mental health. I was certainly raised that you never question your parents. I didn’t question anything until I had my own children. It was hard to realize how naive I had been in viewing my own childhood and I’m still fighting everyday not to repeat their mistakes. I’ve also had no success trying to work through the issues with them. Because they both endured abusive childhoods, I should accept that mine was way better in comparison. They didn’t bother their parents with it, so I shouldn’t bother them. I haven’t been able to let go of the relationships. I’m not sure I ever will. Thanks for being so brave to share your story and recovery.
Wil, I just finished watching your interview and thank you for being so honest. I’ve been following you from the beginning of WWDN and your struggles were some times difficult to read. Dealing with crazy parents and how they impact someones life is gut wrenching. I have similar stories and its horrible when a kid is left to figure it out on their own. I had to grow up very quickly and I never got to be a teenager.
It does take a lot of work and feeling a lot of pain to get through to the other side (mostly). If you haven’t been through it you can’t possibly understand. I, too, really love my life right now, including the ups and downs. Thank you for being public about what you went through.
I’m one of hundreds, but I just want to thank you again for sharing your journey with us. I’m of a similar age to you (closer to Mayim), and it’s really encouraging to hear/read that there’s light after depression. Really, thanks. I’m so happy you’ve found solutions, and they work for you.
When you were wondering why your father hated and abused you, the thought occurred to me that he was jealous of the attention that his wife was giving to you instead of to him. You were the competition. A similar thing happened in my family.
Wil I don’t have a clue what it’s like to be an actors kid. From my own experience as a regular person we had the same problems. My parents owned a business and I had to work for them for no pay and I would hear this excuse: “Your paying for room and board so that’s why your not getting a paycheck”. That completely sucked. Because they did that I didn’t pay into social security all those 30 years or so and when I turn 65 there isn’t enough. Welcome to our mutual nightmare created by our parents.
This sounds like you worked for no pay for your parents for 30 years? I know family relationships can be difficult, especially with parents. Is there something you could do to start adding money to a retirement account now? Obviously you don’t have to answer any questions, I’m just thinking about what I would want to do if I were in that kind of situation. I know it’s late in the game but it’s better to start now however you can than to not start. I really hope you are able to work something out so that you won’t have to struggle later.
I don’t think having kids work for the family business is inherently bad. My husband and I own our business and our youngest kids are expected to do household chores with no pay. When they work for our business they get paid. We also will allow them to work for the business to earn things they want. However we know they will likely go on to other jobs when they are older (they are 15 and 14 now). Our older children are grown and have their own careers outside of our business as well.
I wish you the best and hope you can work something out that will help with your financial needs in the future.
Gee Wil that stuff is tough. I had a lot of shit that happened to me during the 1990’s but it is so long ago now. You are talking about stuff from what 1980 ? That is another world now Wil. It is The Year Of Our Lord 2021. I don’t know what to tell you. You have to work through your issues but at some point your going to have to let some of that shit go. I had to too and it was hard.
Jonathan Grimes…I have to admit that I have a hard time imagining holding on to pain for so long too. I have had some pretty sucky stuff happen in my life but different than what Wil had.
My dad is an alcoholic (sober since the 1990s) with bipolar disorder. He never abused me but he definitely struggled with being an involved parent. Due to his bipolar disorder my dad actually planned to kill me, my sister, and our mom (and probably himself) once but we weren’t home when he got there. During an involuntary hospitalization in 2006 he called me from the psych unit and threatened to kill me if I didn’t come get him. I lived in fear of him just showing up for a while. I am now my dad’s guardian and have been able to help him stay on his meds and have a safe place to live and we have had some pretty good talks.
My mom worked all the time and rarely came to school events because she worked afternoon shift and had to use vacation time to do so. She was never mean to me and I think she tried to provide the best she could. She had a live in boyfriend/eventually became her husband who never touched me physically but was definitely inappropriate towards me and exposed himself to me many times “accidentally” because he “walked in his sleep and ended up on the couch”. He never apologized for it and my mom defended him.
I was sexually taken advantage of as a young teen by several older men when I was not of legal age (thanks in part to my absent parents and creepy stepdad). I ended up doing all I could to get out of the house ASAP (moved out one month after high school graduation at age 17) and had more horrible relationships with men. It wasn’t until I became a Christian at age 25 that my life started changing for the better. I know many readers of this blog aren’t believers and some are outright haters of any mention of religion. I am only speaking to my personal experience.
After I became a Christian and started reading the Bible and attending church, my perspective changed. I began to value myself and my body. I quit smoking and drinking. I forgave my parents for their faults and now have a cordial relationship with them. My stepdad is dead but I told him the last Christmas I saw him that I forgave him so no matter what happened after that I knew I could move on with a clear conscience and without the burden of the pain he caused me. I can honestly say if I had not become a Christian I would not have done that. I would have held onto that anger and not ever had peace. Even after he died I would have still resented the innocence he took from me at a very early age.
When we hold on to pain inflicted by someone else, it only hurts us in the end. It isn’t easy to forgive, because it’s really hard to forget. Especially when the pain is from those who are supposed to love us the most. Some people are more prone to hold on to pain than others and each person’s journey is their own. I hope Wil, and anyone else who might read this, can let that pain go and forgive the past offenses of those who hurt them. That doesn’t mean they need to become involved in their lives again, or allow any further abuse. There may always be a part of them that still hurts sometimes, but hanging on to that pain will eventually turn a person bitter and angry. Get help if you need help. Take meds if you need them, although don’t use them to cover the feelings, but to smooth them down sometimes so your path doesn’t seem so rocky. Look at the good in your life now, and remember that your past, even the bad parts, brought you where you are today. It’s not easy but it’s definitely worth it.
I grew up in the same era as you did Wil. When I saw you in Stand by Me and TNG as well as other teen actors of my day I remember wishing I could be in those shoes on the big screen being famous. As an adult I have seen the wreckage that came from many of those wildly successful careers and I wonder how many of those kids were forced into acting like you were. It’s so sad. I am glad you came through it and have managed to continue moving forward and dealing with the pain you felt when you were a kid. I’m so sorry your parents didn’t listen to you. I agree with another reader who said your dad was probably jealous of the attention your mom gave you and took it out on you. Your mom may have seen that you had the ability to be a much more successful actor than she was and wanted to live vicariously through you. This is only speculation of course as I don’t actually know any of you.
I will say that sometimes children need to be encouraged to try new things so they can gain self confidence. It certainly doesn’t mean forcing them to be on stage but it does mean expecting them to take time to try something even if it’s hard at first because they may be really good at and enjoy it. Sometimes those things aren’t the same things the parents are good at and enjoy. Sometimes kids have to be made to do things that will make their lives better, like learning to clean up after themselves, learning to finish what they start, how to talk to people in public, how to take care of needs first and THEN the wants…that kind of stuff. Otherwise they grow up and have no idea how to be an adult. I know several people who have been stunted by their parents’ inability to make them do hard things. Adults who went to college and their parents did their homework for them. Adults who have children but still want to live like they don’t and their parents constantly take care of their kids so they can play around (not talking occasional date nights or when parents are working and grandparents stay with the kids), parents who never gave their kids any kind of responsibility so they don’t know how to cook, clean up, keep a job, etc.
Moral of the story: don’t force your kids into a career they hate…but do teach them to be responsible.
Thank you again, Wil, for sharing your vulnerable side.
I needed this so much. Your story could be mine (except being forced into acting & stealing your money). I took 2 pages full of notes while watching. THANK YOU for being so real & open to strangers. My therapist had to cancel this week, so this was a good stand-in. 😉
(And I’m not sure if I’ll feel guilty the next time I watch Stand By Me! I’m so sorry we were all being entertained while your childhood was stolen.)
Your parents suck. But you are amazing and all your friends & fans love you.
Wow so beautiful
I grew up with a schizophrenic sister and parents who fought constantly, and I feel luckier than you. Hope you can shed the weight of those early years and find happiness in the present.
I’m so sorry for your loss (of your childhood, loving parents, your self-worth). None of what was thrust upon you was your fault, yet you are the one who suffered then and deals with the aftermath now. But you’re not just surviving, you’re thriving! How fortunate to have found your loving, supportive wife and how equally blessed to be able to raise two sons the way that you should have been raised: with unconditional love. We don’t get to choose our bio family members, but the family you’ve created is your true support system.
I woke up this morning to find my bf sad, distant, and quiet. First I thought I had done something wrong. I talked to him and he sad he was sad. I sat down and turned on Youtube and saw Mayim’s podcast and started listening. Your story about your parents is very similar to his stories about his parents (you are also around the same age). Father was physically and mentally abusive and his mother is a narcissist. I than googled and found your article about Fathers day and ding ding ding I finely realized that Mothers day is a trigger for him. He is still in contact with his parents and talked to both of them on the phone on Mothers day morning this caused his trigger. They live across the Country so he is able to keep his distance, but it still will effect his mental health. listening to you about your parents helped me understand him a little bit more, so I thank you for that.
Wil,
I listened to your podcast with Mayim and your discussion about how your parents treated you and you’ve had to struggle with that your entire life really spoke to me. I too suffer from a “daddy love me” syndrome who he was also a bully, abusive, and ultimately had to cut him out of my life 12 years ago (42). I recently met my paternal grandfather for the first time 3 years ago and I described why I don’t include my father in my life and his response, “he’s my son, but I understand.” What a validation for me! But I still suffer with feelings of abandonment and am hypervigilant with my own daughter that she knows I love her unconditionally and smother her with praise when she achieves her goals, tell her how proud I am of her. Thanks for sharing your story Wil. P.S. I grew up watching you on Star Trek and I was bummed when Wesley bailed on Starfleet 🙂 .
Joshua
Beautiful Post….
On a lighter note, is you looking so much like Ryan George in that picture super easy, barely an inconvenience?
This is literally his blog. Not censorship — TrollShip. Not complaining – helping others with similar situations. Why are you here? His parents don’t need to be defended. Inconsiderate is being rude on someone else’s blog; not deleting rude comments.
👏👏👏 (Applause) – I could not have put it better.