California Surgeon General Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris reached out to me last week, and asked if I’d be willing to talk a little bit about my Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) today, to coincide with the launch of NumberStory.org, a new nonprofit organization she founded to help support people like me who had ACEs, and live with the residual trauma as a result.
Before Dr. Burke-Harris reached out to me, I had never heard of ACE in this context before. If you’re in the same boat, here’s what I learned:
“The term ‘Adverse Childhood Experiences,’ or ‘ACEs,’ comes from the 1998 Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study). The study, a partnership between Kaiser Permanente and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), is one of the largest investigations ever conducted to assess connections between chronic stress caused by early adversity and long-term health.
“The study examined exposure to childhood adversity, including abuse and neglect, and household dysfunction like domestic violence, parental mental illness, or parental substance abuse. Researchers assigned an ‘ACE score’ to each participant by adding up the number of adversities the participant reported.”
Most of you reading this already know my story. For those who don’t: For as long as I can remember, I was emotionally abused by the man who was my father on a daily basis. In fact, I didn’t have a father, I had a bully. Both my parents spanked me all the time, but when I got into my teens, he hit me, he choked me, he shook me in anger, and he never showed any remorse for it. My mother was so obsessed with the attention got because of my work, she emotionally neglected me, used me to chase her dreams of fame and fortune in Hollywood, and protected her husband when he was cruel to me. She gaslighted me about his cruelty and bullying, and frequently made ME apologize to HIM when I got upset after he did something cruel to me. They never treated me like a special son who they loved. He treated me like I was an irritant who was unworthy of his love, and she treated me like a possession she could use for money and attention. I never felt unconditionally loved and supported in my home. After literally a lifetime of trying to make my mother happy and convince my father to love me, I accepted that they were too selfish, too narcissistic, too prideful, and invested in the lie they told themselves and the world about our family, to see and hear me when I begged them to … well, to just love and accept me for who I was. I ended contact with them several years ago, and while it’s a relief they can’t hurt me any more, I’ll always have a painful, gaping hole in my life where the love and support of my parents should be.
Every day, I struggle with the residual trauma from my childhood. Some days are tougher than others, and I am so grateful for the support network I have to help me on the really bad days.
But some people don’t have that support network, and don’t know where to look to build one. That’s where Dr. Burke-Harris and My Number Story come in. MyNumberStory was founded to help adults identify our Adverse Childhood Experiences, so we can begin healing from them.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) directly affect two out of three of us – and impact the rest of us as well. Learn more at https://NumberStory.org
Never judge the book by its cover. Everyone has a story but good or bad… I feel for you Mr. Wheaton
Oh Wil. I don’t know what to say, except thank you. My sister and 2 brothers were more affected physically then I was by ACE experiences, because my father who was abused as a child, in turn had a “flashbang” temper caused by several head injuries serving in the Marines. My mother never hit either of my brothers but constantly made excuses for my father and also didn’t have a problem slapping me when she thought I embarrassed her. He stopped the abuse when he hit my younger brother (who was his favorite son) and gave him a concussion when he was in high school and he was going to be turned into the police. My older brother eventually got psychological help to deal with it, my younger brother also forgave him before my father died but my sister never did. Despite everything my sister and I took care of my mother for 28 years until she passed at 93 and we don’t gloss over any of what we grew up with. Nevertheless no child should grow up with such a childhood and I’m grateful for your participating with NumberStory.org. This is one circle that should be broken.
Every time you talk about this you are helping so many people who then share your experience with others. There are many more of us out here in the world than previously thought, and this positivity is going a long way to unlocking the shame and even guilt we had once upon a time of mentioning it.
As a sidebar, I think you had mentioned your siblings being on your parents’ side. Is that correct??! I was trying to remember and thought surely there must be one person Wil is related to who believes him and supports him. It isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things since you have Anne, your sons, and your friends, but it almost boggles my mind if I’m remembering that info correctly.
Do you have an email address associated with your blog, so I could send you a video link when it’s available? I’ve been in a year-long energy healing class through Sounds True. Energy healing and the practices around it, including Qi Gong, biofields, etc. are nothing but science/energy related, and not new age-y nonsense. Our class Tuesday night was with Damien Echols, a name that may be familiar to you. He is a very intelligent man and skilled writer whose spiritual practice while wrongly incarcerated for 18 years, helped him survive. For me, that hour plus was profound and the class that resonated most with me. I asked a question because he and I are cut from the same cloth of pain, and he gave us a specific practice that could help leech out past trauma.
You might find it very useful; I’d like to gift you with it so you can see what you think. You can write me at [email protected] if you have an email you’d trust me with.
Thank you for telling us about this.
It is important to know that ACEs may not always have objective causes (i.e., could be captured on video), and the cause may be totally subjective experiences.
In my case, undiagnosed depression arrived with puberty. I had an objectively wonderful life (middle class, loving family), but the subjective life experiences of going through puberty and the rest of my school years with depression created a ton of internal trauma that multiplied the effects of the depression itself, and stunted the growth of my emotional maturity.
My internal trauma certainly affected the rest of the family. I was a very confused, unhappy and angry individual, and it poisoned our relationships. If any mistake was made, it was that I was never evaluated by a mental health professional. An act of omission, not commission.
I didn’t get effective therapy until my late 30s and early 40s, Much of the initial work was understanding and alleviating the traumatic aspects of so many of my memories, starting with the ones that were repeated (and relived) as nightmares. Turned out they were my misinterpretations of otherwise normal (but unsettling) events.
Knowing that about my memories didn’t magically undo the damage, but it sure ended the nightmares (and the re-inflicted harm) and gave me a wonderfully positive outlook toward my ongoing therapy, which helped it gain traction.
As my therapy progressed, and as my self-awareness grew, I also had to cope with the damage I had done to my parents and siblings. For them, my internal subjective trauma was their objective trauma. I shared my awareness with everyone, and my siblings all felt the need for, and received, some therapy. My parents were shocked and pained they had so misunderstood what was happening with me, thinking it was just hormones or teenage angst, especially as I was maintaining good grades throughout.
My single most powerful tool was forgiveness: Asking it of my siblings and parents, and granting it to myself and my parents. And lots and lots of hugs and tears.
ACEs result from traumatic experiences AS PERCEIVED BY THE INDIVIDUAL, which can be independent of what is “actually” going on outside the individual.
We don’t have to live with them forever: There is hope! And a solid path to it.
Your courage to share the truth is so helpful and healing. Thank you Wil.
I admire your courage and willingness to continue to revisit this topic. It will help a lot of people make their way to a better and happier life. Believe that you are valued and that you are loved.
I can’t say my parents went as far as yours with the physical aspect. None of us were caused irreparable damage as you were. As far as mental damage they would never berate me or my sisters. I have to take back what I said before. If you ever want a friend in North Carolina look me up at the house of cards in Winston salem. I play most all the games you featured on Tabletop there and I’d drink a beer with you anytime anywhere. I’d like to offer a friendship to you if your willing I would not want anything in return accept a visit every now an again if your working nearby. Will you need a close friend you can talk to and that’s what I would do and listen to you. We all need a supporter to hold us up spiritually. You’re not a crybaby and I don’t look at you that way.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Wil. I’ve always admired your bravery in being so transparent, and willing to go above and beyond to help others by sharing your experience. I wasn’t aware of the Ace number score until I read about it in your blog. I always kind of knew that I just got dealt a shitty hand of cards growing up. My parents were always quick to point out that my childhood was not as bad as David Pelzer, and to that point it wasn’t. But I did grapple with a mother who was bipolar schizophrenic and all of the bad behavior that helped get sparked by that, a Dad who was mostly supportive of me growing up, but worked a lot since my mother couldn’t so I was left maintaining the household and helping to raise my brothers while dealing with my mother’s mood swings and prescription drug abuse. And all of that got worse when he took my brothers and left for Arizona in the divorce a few days before I was done with Jr. high. All of that is to say, I’ve always suspected the trauma I experienced growing up has played a role in my anxiety, but I’m excited to dive into this study and see how it applies to what I’ve been struggling with as an adult. I always enjoy your blogs Wil, and your work. Thank you so much for sharing this!
” I never felt unconditionally loved and supported in my home.”
I’m only recently learning this is even a thing. I’m forty-five. It’s astounding how much childhood experiences affect you. Like, I can’t fathom children going to a parent for comfort. Like, not even a little bit. Support? Love? I didn’t feel those. I still talk to my folks, and we are cordial, I guess, but in looking back on my childhood, I have realized that I never once felt safe in my house. I was always afraid of when I’d get in trouble next. It was always more of “how do I not upset them?” And I took that into my adult relationships for sure.
I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve faced so much abuse growing up! 😦
Hi! Love your work, and your personal sharing.
I’ve followed your blog for years — and I’m pretty sure you’d never mentioned your dad’s hitting and choking. For the record: that’s not “emotional abuse” — that’s plain ol’ physical abuse. (Sorry: this may be another layer of crumminess to get your head around: that your brain keeps categorizing him as an emotional abuser.)
Thus: Your dad was a physically abusive parent. Pretty sure that was illegal, even in California in the ’80s. Therefore, he’s a criminal.
I’m glad you’ve cut all ties. He doesn’t deserve you.
And I’m glad you have Anne and the boys.
–GG
Hey, Wil, all love to you, brother. I wanted to say, I was a super goofy kid because of my SUPER severe ADHD, so my many bullies were at school like many of us, but I get the pain of “adverse childhood experiences.” That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that term, though, and, I have to say, I hate it.
I go back to Carlin on things like this. He hated euphemistic language, language that named something in softer terms. We went from calling combat stress overload “Shell Shock” in WWI to “Battle Fatigue” in WWII, then “Operational Exhausion” in Korea, and then “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder” after Vietnam. I don’t know if you or some of the other readers of your blog are familiar with the routine, but he said “I betcha, if we’d have still been calling it shell shock, some of those Vietnam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I betcha that…”
Adverse Childhood Experiences seems a similarly problematic turn of phrase to me, as a survivor, and a writer (I am). I am certain that Dr. Burke-Harris is an outstanding professional and about ten second on Google shows that she’s a mom herself, (four boys, she has my sympathies) and a pediatrician, there’s gotta be a lot of love for kids there There’s no life in that phrase. No pain. I feel nothing. And “Hey, that’s just aces!” means something else. And an ace is a good thing in blackjack or poker. They need a better turn of phrase here. Maybe they need a celebrity suggest something with a little more force to it.
Like oh, i don’t know… ABUSE. We were abused. Speaking of aces, call a spade a spade.
**Disclaimer: The author of this comment has looked up the origin of the last bit and it comes for aa Erasmus reference to shovels and not race. Thank you, another ten seconds on Google.
Abuse and neglect are only 5 of the 10 original ACE categories. That’s one of the key distinctions in the original study and all the subsequent research ove the last quarter century. The increase in risk in health outcomes is tied to the toxic activation of the child’s stress response system over time and even in the absence of abuse or neglect other forms of household chaos and disruption creating an unstable situation with caregivers from the child’s perspective have the same health outcomes. Abuse and neglect specifically also have other outcomes including potential PTSD/CPTSD, which I’m working through, but the ACE research is focused on the ways developmental stress alter systems throughout the body and the associated health outcome risks. And it’s looking both at better early interventions since the best time to address it is during development and ways to address those changes and improve outcomes in adulthood.
I have to admit, I usually like Carlin, but he was dead wrong on this. Back when we called it “shell shock,” the vets got no support whatsoever. NONE. Now that we cared about it enough to give it a clinical name, we’re talking about it and people who have it are encouraged to get help for it.
So that’s not a point in Carlin’s favor. When they called it shell shock, soldiers who suffered from it were called cowards.
Carlin was right about a lot of things, but not this.
Thank you for sharing. I did the ACE survey back in the day, and my number was high due to physical and emotional abuse from both parents. There was a lot to unpack. Anyway, I appreciate your forthrightness. It helps to know I wasn’t alone.
I continue to appreciate how you speak out about your experiences so it can help others. I hope you continue to find healing in your family and break the cycle.
Hey, Ace History is new to me as a term, but I knew I was affected. Whenever I battle low self worth and a sense I don’t deserve success or happiness (often at the same time as beating myself up for not succeeding or being happy) I remember that ,”childhood abuse changes who you will become,” as I once heard it said and knew it for truth, and it helps me be gentler to myself. If i’m not hurting others or myself, which I try not to do, and finding quiet joys in caring and creativity, instead of abusing or stealing or lying or turning a blind eye as my 1st stepdad and mother did to me, I’m winning at my life. Big Hugs to you, Wil. Your journey keeps many of us going too. xxx
Thanks for sharing Wil, and for publicizing Dr. Burke-Harris’ new effort. I plan to explore it. I stumbled across the ACE study in 2017. I happened across a 2015 NPR article that opened with a link to a test. I clicked the link before reading the article which quickly ended with me looking at a browser window displaying a large number 9 with no explanation. I went back and read the article. I quickly found and watched Dr. Burke Harris’ TEDMED 2014 talk on how childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime. From there I found the original study and associated materials on the CDC website. I also found talks online from the original researchers, Dr. Fellitti and Dr. Anda. And around that time Dr. Burke Harris released her book, “The Deepest Well”, which I highly recommend. The study is widely referenced in other work and has had more than 40 subsequent studies demonstrating dose related increase in risk for other health outcomes. A lot of people still dismiss it as outcomes associated with “bad behavior”. But that was addressed early on in the research since it’s something for which they can control and for which they had the data to control. Controlling for behavior only reduced the increased risk at each dose level by about a third if I recall correctly. And, of course, that’s mostly to make a point to critics since behavior cannot somehow be magically divorced from the changes in the brain and stress response system by developmental trauma.
I was already working in therapy to make sense of things as a very late diagnosed autistic person trying to pull myself out of a level of burnout that’s difficult to describe as I reframed and slowly better understood my life and experiences. Running across the ACE study in that context began to help me understand and begin to perceive the interplay between the two. I’ve now had several years of EMDR, which has helped reduce my reactivity and am exploring other modalities of trauma therapy. There remains a lot of resistance to the study and to efforts to incorporate its findings into our understanding, probably because it hits close to home for so many in our society. Thanks for speaking up and increasing awareness.
Thank you Wil for sharing such painful experiences. You have and share what you were never given, love and support. That’s heroic.
I too have CPTSD which I can sometimes override and other times not so much. Early life was so difficult, that I tried to check out at a very young age, as a child. Now I am a senior, so I’ve made it.
I continue to try to connect better with friends and family, and, do some good in the world, as time ends for us all, and we want to have meaning..and love and support.
I’d never heard of “ACE” either, but I’m glad you’re getting a chance to participate, Will, and share your personal experiences. I’m also glad society is finally taking emotional and mental child abuse as seriously as it (sometimes) takes physical abuse. Many people still don’t seem to understand that an individual’s childhood ordeals can – and often does – impact their lives as they mature. I still remember being bullied when in grade and high school. I also remember how adults around me usually said it was just a part of growing up and all this bullshit about it making me stronger. It took me years to learn to deal with all of that chaos.
Good luck to you, brother!
Thank you, Will. I have had similar experiences and for a long time lived with the hole inside of me – a non-existent person. I am lucky I made it through that phase. Some things that have helped me build a self were a book by Laurel Melllin – the Pathway, and both Hypnosis (https://www.torontohypnotherapy.ca/) and therapy where you return to that situation in a trance and stand up for the person who had no-one to stand up for them at that time, offering the child part of you the parent they didn’t have. I now have a baby at home and I want to finish this work so I can be the parent he deserves. Thanks and I wish you the best.
I have 3 official points, but I think it should be 4. The age difference for one of those questions is irrelevant to the trauma experienced by the victim.
Resilience. I had great friends, and their families loved and helped me-gave me resilience that helped me have none of the bad outcomes associated with ACEs.
Glad to find your page, all I “know” about you is seem smart, are funny, and that you seem a really decent person.
I wish you the best–
Jay
Hello Wil !
There are things in the past which bother you until this day. I was driving down the freeway the other day thinking of some strange thing
which happened in 1992 which bothers me to this day. I thought to myself let it go. Then it hit me – Nearly 30 years ago. It has already gone.
Damien Echols gave me an exercise in an energy healing class, to go back to specific traumatic events so that you can expunge them from your bioenergy field, heart, mind, to stop suffering when you get caught in a loop of remembering. It isn’t easy at all, but it helped. And I’m going to continue the exercise until I stop thinking about my monster.
I truly wish that technology in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Lacuna, Inc.) was real. It would give so many people blessed relief.
Did you ever get any genetic tests done to see if you’re actually related to your father? Because what you describe is exactly what I’d expect from a man who knows his wife cheated on him and got pregnant from somebody else, and decided he’d put up with her for the sake of the other two kids but he’d be damned if he’d be nice to the bastard, who is a living reminder every day that his wife – his own WIFE – had such contempt for him that she could do a thing like that. And of course the wife who did the cheating, knowing that THIS particular kid is not protected by paternal authority, feels herself free to exploit the kid in ways she wouldn’t dare with the other two.
And the kid, of course, has no idea what’s going on.
If I was writing it into a novel, that’s how I’d set it up to make the character motivations believable.
Hey Wil, Happy Belated Birthday by the way. I am alittle over 2 months older than you and noticed your testimony of your growing up years mirrors my own. Mostly mother was the abuser on my end. Step father as well. All verbal and emotional abuse by both and to this day suffer some PTSD and personality disorders due from the abuse. Nothing I wish to discuss. Anyways, thanks for hanging in there and making your life a successful one to help inspire those who are possibly searching for answers. Wish I had turned to acting myself, never know, could’ve been right there along side of you in similar movies such as Stand By Me or the Goonies era’s. I know you weren’t in Goonies but the time periods. Be good to yourself and know that others have gone through hell as well.