I spent much of last week doing some work to move something from being an Idea to being A Thing. I’m still not sure that it’s going to be the Thing I thought it was going to be, because it kind of wants to be this whole other Thing and … you know what? It doesn’t matter. This doesn’t make any sense outside of my head, anyway.
The point is, I spent a lot of time reading my own blog last week, and I was so grateful to Past Wil for writing and publishing those things, here, when he didn’t even think for a moment that Future Wil would want to see them again. I also noticed enormous gaps where I didn’t publish anything, which made me a little sad for whatever Past Wil was going through then.
Today, I got one of those Facebook Memories that I was very surprised to discover I didn’t xpost to my blog. So I’m copying it here, today, for Future Wil, and also for Current Anyone Who Is Interested.
This is from October 2, 2019:
When I was at a con a couple weeks ago, I met a lovely woman who shared her scrapbook from the 80s with me. It’s kind of a time capsule of me from about 13 to 17, filled with pictures and clippings from all the teen magazines my mother made me be part of, even though it was *way* out of my comfort zone to be in these pictures, or to talk to people I didn’t know about my personal stuff.
Based on the mock turtleneck, the larger photo is probably from about 1988, when I was 15 or maybe 16. You can see that this was during a hot minute when I was trying to lean in on my cowlick, and just make it some big dumb stand up thing that I tried to convince myself didn’t look as dumb as it did.
The inset photo is from when we filmed the music video for Stand By Me. This was taken *very* early in the cycle of publicity for the movie. I’m pretty sure it predates even the first teen magazine thing I had to do. Man, I remember how conflicted I felt on that day. On the one hand, I was so excited to be part of something that was going to be on MTV (kids, you gotta know that in those days, for teenagers, being on MTV was the coolest thing, ever). But I was also terrified, because I had (and have) no rhythm, did not (and do not) like to dance, and just felt like an alien in my own body.River and his family were incredibly musical. He could play guitar and sing, and they were all so comfortable on that set, I wished I could have just settled into it like they did.
During a break, we all ended up in a dressing room on the stage with Ben E. King, and River and he just started jamming together. River picked up a guitar — remember, he was only 15 or 16, and Ben E. King was a legend — and just started strumming. Ben E. King started singing, and before we knew it, everyone in the room was singing with him. Someone pulled a harmonica out and started playing it. Someone else began to drum on the back of a chair, and River’s mom danced that dance we always see people doing at Grateful Dead shows.
I remember feeling so thrilled to be in that room, and also feeling so sad and anxious that I couldn’t join in with them. And that’s really sad to me, now. I couldn’t vocalize it at the time, and I probably wasn’t aware of it then, but I had been so relentlessly bullied by the man who was my father, I had no confidence, terrible self esteem, and I lived in constant fear of being humiliated.
I wonder how that day would have been for me if I’d had the confidence to just dance and sing and join in, without the always-on fear that someone would tease me or make me feel small for not being the best at it. At the very least, that picture wouldn’t make me feel sad, like I need to hug that kid and mentor him the way the man who is his father should have.
Some day, I will see pictures of young me, and I won’t feel sad. I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but it’ll happen. Some day.
Here’s the video. I’m super awkward, but I still got to be on MTV, which was pretty cool.
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I know it’s cringy to you the way every photo of me from that year is, but I think it’s pretty adorable. Lol.
I am ALWAYS sooo sad at the treatment you received and how sad your childhood was! I really love the man you are now and all that you have accomplished. I continue to enjoy all the entertainment that you give us!!!–and I look forward to much, much more. I guess many of us have mixed emotions over the photos of you during your youth, but who you are now is a testament to the fantastic person there was always there and now is out for us to see! Take care, dear Wil. All the best to you and yours!
Really Nice Post. I remember those days… and while you may not have been comfortable with all the attention in those days, you were and I believe still are an incredible talent. I’ve been a fan since Stand By Me and nothing I’ve ever seen of you has made me change how much I enjoy your performances. Here’s hoping your Thing comes out of your head for the world to see.
Thank you for sharing that and to Past Wil for writing it. I’m sorry Teen You had that kind of fear of participating in case you looked stupid or amateur; I still deal with moments like that.
As for looking at Teen You without sadness, there is a small thing I do with pictures of the fat, unhappy teenager who thought if she took care of everyone and made people laugh and did whatever they asked then they would be her friend and love her and eventually there would be someone who would love her most (a someone who, at this stage of my life, I have mostly accepted is never going to exist and made all the peace I can with knowing that). I hope it helps the sadness ebb a little more to see your part self when you change your inner monologue when looking at past you into “you don’t even know what great moments you have to look forward to living in” and think of those moments. Like scared, uncomfortable, unhappy past you will someday be the guy who marries Anne and is a good dad to your sons. Teenage Wil becomes Adult Wil who works on The Big Bang Theory and has game nights with friends and has wonderful pets and makes awesome things with awesome people. There’s so much joy Teen Wil is going to have someday and even even Current Wil has a bunch of fantastic moments that won’t happen until you are Future Wil. So yeah, looking at the strained smiles and awkward poses knowing eventually your smiles in pictures are gonna be so real and joyous.
Also, that music video was a favorite of mine when I was a teen. I adored it, watched it on repeat, thought you and River were so cool and cute and maybe one day I would get to hang out with cool people like you.
Most of look at ourselves (especially our gawky teenage selves) and feel horribly uncoordinated and geeky when we dance. I hafta say, though, past Wil held his own just fine there.
I admit that I’ve never seen STAND BY ME. I was an 80s teen and my parents were very controlling. If there was a movie I wanted to see and they didn’t want to see it, I didn’t get to see it. (I’m disabled and use a wheelchair, so I couldn’t just hop into a friend’s car to see it.)
Knowing the BTS emotions that you had while filming it, I’m not sure I want to see it. I’m sure it was a great movie, but all the clips I’ve seen of it, I see the true sadness you had at the time. I have an emotionally abusive father (whom I’ve since no longer talk to) and I can relate to that sadness. I was a sad kid who wasn’t respected or loved by my dad. Add to that, the abuse had racism (he’s white, I’m Latino and adopted), ableism, and, later, homophobia mixed in with it.
Wil, we’ve met a few times before, the last being at DRAG-CON. Thank you for being the awesome you that you are. I know you’re not comfortable with in-person hugs, so here’s a virtual hug for you. (((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))) You have helped me in so many ways. Most importantly, you being open about your mental health has helped me. You being open about going to therapy helped me seek therapy myself and I’m not ashamed of it.
I’m so sorry to hear that you had a rough childhood. Many of us here can relate. When and if you’re ever up for it, I do recommend that you see the movie. It’s emotionally painful at times, but it’s also deeply healing because it speaks of the power of resilience.
I saw the movie on August 16, 1986, and it has stayed with me my whole life because I also had an unhappy childhood and this was the only movie I’d ever seen up until that point in my life that addressed it without pulling any punches. I was just 13 then, so I was very impressionable, but even if I were to see the movie for the first time today, as an adult, I’d still be very moved by it. It’s profoundly meaningful on so many levels.
If you do see the movie one day, you’d have a big advantage over a younger viewer. As an adult viewer, you would understand even more clearly than a child would, that Gordie LaChance (the Wil Wheaton character) lives in a dysfunctional family and that he absolutely deserves to escape from it and make a fresh start in life. At 13, I already knew I wanted to escape from my family but I just couldn’t grasp the enormity of what it would mean to cut contact and survive the fall-out. Just sitting there in the movie theater that August night in 1986 with my mother and father sitting right beside me freaked me out because I didn’t want them to know what I was secretly thinking, that some day I was going to muster up the courage to leave them behind, and with good reason. You can just imagine how conflicted and terrified I felt.
I’m grateful to Wil for speaking so openly about what it’s like to survive a real-life dysfunctional family dynamic. It’s still a taboo topic today, but he’s breaking the barrier and giving other survivors like us an empathetic and 100% accurate take on reality.
Sending virtual hugs to everyone here….
Great Post. Thank you once again for your honest insight into loving our younger selves.
You look like you’re in awe of Ben King, and that is a totally kid thing to feel. Awkwardness is normal, no matter what your faux father did. All I know is I love then Wil, and now Wil, and hope your future projects come out the way you want them.
Thank you for sharing your past experience. It makes people realize we have more in common as humans when we share our experiences. I can definitely relate to the parental bullying aspect as I experienced that to a certain degree from my mother. It’s a personal challenge we have to live with when accepting a negative aspect is part of our history but at the same time we need to continually reprogram ourselves that the negative aspect doesn’t define who we are. We all need to develop mentally to become our own personal heroes in our lives. Sharing stories with others is a great way to bond with each other and help shape who we choose to become as adults and how we live the remainder of our time here.
I think it’s such a big deal to be able to look back at your smaller, more fearful self with tenderness and think, “He deserved better.” You must have put in so much work to gain that perspective, that kindness to your past self. I hope you feel proud of yourself, because you deserve to be.
That was a great video – thanks for sharing! And I hope your Idea becomes a Thing, because making things is awesome!
I wish you could tell that young guy that he would eventually turn out okay.
Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing this. I am so sad that you went through so much and that it affected what should have been an amazing time for you. I am also sad that River didn’t get to live a full life, seeing you two interact was very sweet. Take care, Wil, you help so many going through similar things, it means a lot and I hope you take some solace in that.
Whenever i see a photo of small laura, i can almost glimpse a birdcage over her. I am so sad for small me. Always trying to do the right thing, but the rules were always changing.
I spend a lot of time imagining how i would have pulled myself to safety and run- and im sorry this is how your life was, too.
And your cowlick is not dumb. It is awesome. Your hair refused to give it. ( I have a similar cowlick) all hail the cowlick, last bastion of personal expression!
Some of us were born awkward and rhythm-less. Some of us can’t hold a note to save out lives. Some are born timid and overwhelmed and anything but “free”. I know I was. It sure doesn’t help to have a parent who picks up on those things and makes you feel even smaller and….less.
But I think you do yourself a huge disservice by imagining that you would somehow be different, or that you SHOULD have been different but for their cruelty. While the musicians and dancers of the world are keyed in to rhythm, we are keyed into something else. We are sensitive. They bring music to the world and we bring compassion and a deep connection to animals and the unnoticed. We are the observers, the writers, painters and story tellers. You were never meant to be them. You are a perfect YOU, fulfilling your destiny despite your fathers efforts to change you. I know it still hurts. I have a parent like that as well. It will always hurt. But look at how far you have come!
What you said was beautiful. 🙂
I’ve always thought Young Wil was cute (older Wil is too!) and your cowlick is superior to mine! (It’s hereditary that decides who gets one-mine is like my dad’s was and it’s not in a good place for a girl! I hope you see one day that the bullies (parental and exterior) have no further power over you. Please keep sharing-it does make a difference!
It is always terribly sad to think about how you were feeling and what you were going through as you were making such wonderful films and shows. However, please know that your fans never found you awkward, rather we always found you to be adorable and very talented. And you still are! 🥰
I’m so sorry this makes you feel sad, Wil. I remember that video and I thought that it looked liked everyone, including, was having fun. This just proves that even if you were uncomfortable you really looked happy, making you the excellent actor I know you to be! Long distance hugs! ❤️
Saw that picture was immediately 13-14 years old again. You were adorable then and I wish you would have been able to see how much talent you really showed in Stand By Me especially. I remember watching that video on MTV when it came out (and when MTV actually still played music). I don’t remember thinking you were awkward at all and but I do remember how much I enjoyed watching it.
Big Wil hopefully will get to see old pics of young Wil without feeling sad very soon.
The warmest thing about this is how you kept looking to River for support. It’s good to have a wingman.
I don’t think you’re awkward at all! I saw a lot of myself in you at that age! 🙂
For what it’s worth, I thought you looked just fine, though I was distracted by the JAMS on the kid near you!
I reckon you’ve probably heard Grace Petrie’s Black Tie.
As a middle class, middle age, white cis male, that song still speaks to me. And I think it has something to say about what you’re feeling looking at these pictures.
Feeing uncomfortable in your body at that age, for whatever reason is probably nearly universal. I bet even River Phoenix felt uncomfortable from time to time and wished he could fit in!
You were there. It was a real thing that happened. You felt awkward, but you stayed. You could have run away and hid. Be proud of young Wil for doing that much.
Stand by you, Wil. Always Stand By You.
All the feels. I don’t know if anyone wants to read this, since it might be triggering. But it feels Ok In context.
Stand By Me was the first movie I ever saw that wasn’t G rated. My parents were uber controlling and I only got to see it cause they let me go to a slumber party. They just assumed my friend’s parents were just as controlling as they were, since we knew each other through the fundamentalist school we were forced to attend. I guess notAllEvangelicals or something like that. I had a lot of fun at that party and I think it was probably of the first time in my life I ever felt like no one was going to burst in and hurt me. I go to two slumber parties that year and they were the only times I ever felt that way until I managed to escape as an adult. It was also the only time in my young life I was ever able to do something cultural when everyone else was doing it. (These people banned everything but Star Trek, Star Wars, and Disney movies, since everything else was Satanic.)
But I’ve been afraid of going back and watching Stand By Me as an adult, because I also remember overhearing my other friend’s mom in the other room when she picked us up in the morning (we’d carpooled). She was a bit cross we’d been allowed to watch it without checking in on her first. She wasn’t upset we’d watched it. She was afraid of what would happen if my parents found out we watched it. She was emphatic with all the other moms that they not tell my parents because then they’d be responsible for what would happen to me. That was an awkward conversation to overhear with all my friends while we were rolling up sleeping bags and such. At the time I thought it was really cool that my friend’s mom was looking out for me. But now I can’t even think about Stand By Me without wondering why none of these adults ever called CPS.
Thank you for sharing. Knowing the backstory watching the video and my intinct is to promise little Wil that it’s OK and to just have fun. My heart hurts thinking of what you’ve gone through and thinking about my own kid and her friends, how nobody deserves to feel so belittled. I’m proud of you for doing the work to heal. <3
Wil, there was never anything awkward about you. I didn’t think so in the ’80s, and I don’t think so now. As for the cowlick, it’s awesome. I see it as an exclamation point, a symbol of all the exciting ideas you have in your head, you know, all the “things” that you want to bring into this world when the timing is right.
Respect, Wil. I’m sorry you went through so much trauma and that it was your parents who put you there. It hurts my heart to read some of your posts but it also makes me smile to think, as another kid of the 80s, that you got to be on MTV! Wow, how the videos made the music back then. Good for you for doing the work to heal.
So glad you shared this.
Don’t know if this will work for you — but since you are a dad — imagine for one moment treating your children like you treat your younger self.
If I could Mom hug every one of you who had a bad childhood, I would. It hurts my heart that so many of you went through this. I cry at sad movies, commercials, weddings, you name it. And Stand By Me is one of my favorite movies because it’s so well done. Kudos to Rob Reiner and all the outstanding cast & crew. Keep being you Wil. You made it kid. You’re doing great. Much Mom love to you and all.
I know it won’t change the years of abuse that made you feel so awkward, but I thought you were pretty cool in that. What was awkward was that computer!
Wil, at that age you weren’t alone. I was in my early twenty’s I wasn’t that far ahead of you in age. I was being treated the same then. Imagine this Bernie you can’t go there or do this. I was working for the parents. They basically owned me because I came home early after nine months in the navy and because of that I was treated like shit because I wasn’t good enough to stay in. I became employed to them til 9 years before they both passed away. I was a white slave. My sisters blindly were brainwashed by these two people. Thank you for opening my eyes. I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
Us here on the outside, could sit back and say listen to this guy. He is complaining about being a star and the life that a lot of wish we had. If they do act that way then they don’t really read what you write or listen to your story. You never know what is beyond the facade that we all live behind. Thanks for sharing, giving us a peak behind the wall and being a genuine human being. Live long and prosperous Wil Wheaton.
Holy Sh*t, dude. I was just paralyzed by nostalgia when trying to clear out old emails, and then saw your post just when I finished. I like to have a long history and not erase anything, but also never look at it. I know I have old pictures of girlfriends and shared documents just hanging around from 15 years ago. I kept some things, but deleted old college papers without even looking. I know I was a mediocre student because I couldn’t care at the time. I achieved my goal of graduating, and never moved on to graduate work. Anyhow, circling around to you. I have nothing for ya. Your pics and hairstyles never seemed goofy to me. You’re a smidge older, but we’d be of the same generation (not TNG joke there). We share a bunch of interests and such from what I can tell. Rock on, man. We all look back and could change things, and the old “but that s what got me here” mentality is a well worn platitude for a reason. It is true. It’s also kinda bullhonkey.
I can easily get mired in the woes of “shoulda woulda coulda” too. My suffered abuse was relatively minor to yours, but its all relative. I’m 4 tall-boys deep into some New England IPAs and listening to my college radio streaming because of the brief time I was a DJ there, and the aforementioned emails. I had to find Sony mini-discs at the nearby Wegman’s for that class. Yeah, they’re a grocery store, but Walmart had stopped carrying it and I never completed a project earlier than a few hours before it was due.
Let’s join fitbit groups, hit our goals, but then those goals dont quite align to tabletop gaming, dealing with kids, and nights where you put down a bunch of IPAs. Stone Brewing was cool, but dig what is coming out of Treehouse Brewing and Vermont area. I’m on the fringe of that and get their beers like barely within drinkable timeframe. Good night and fare well!
FWIW, If you hadn’t mentioned how awkward you were in the video, no one would have known. But, honestly, what teen didn’t feel awkward in photos and videos back in the 80s? So, in at least that one regard, you were an absolutely normal teenager.
This is the first time I’ve seen the video, even though I’m just a few years older than you. You made me smile because then me would have been wistfully envious of the warm energy between you and River. Heck, now-me is too but in a loving way because I know how rare and precious it is to find these people in life. As to ‘no confidence, terrible self esteem, and I lived in constant fear of being humiliated,’ this was a horrible, nearly non-stop thread looping in myself for decades but in my case it was largely self-induced. I know how it chewed up my early lives — I can’t even begin to imagine how many more magnitudes of awful it was to have that inflicted on you and reinforced by someone who was supposed to be a loving, positive, supportive presence in your life.
Well nuts, didn’t mean to get All In That when I started but for what it’s worth, you are Seen and you are Loved. Those who weren’t there for you and aren’t are gone from your world and don’t matter any more. Here’s to love freely given and freely received. You deserve it. We all do.
I remember this video. I was so in love with both you and River. I remember how happy I was to see you smiling and yes a little awkwardly moving to the beat. To me it looked like you were just nervous more than anything else. This is hands down one of my most favorite songs and for that matter one of my most favorite movies.
Anytime I am having a really bad moment, where the ptsd, the trauma muscle memory is too bad, I put on a handful of movies or play certain songs, depending on where I am or what I am doing. Stand By Me the song is one that calms me. When I am home, I watch the movie. Or The Princess Bride, or oddly The Day After Tomorrow. I have no idea why the hell an end of civilization as we know it movie makes me feel better, but it just does. Go figure.
Thank you for always being so honest and raw in your posting. I love reading and sharing every single one. You help me heal a little every day.
<3
Hey Wil, this is my first time reading your blog here, or posting a comment. I have a short story to tell you, which I thought you might like to hear.
When I was 8 years old, in 1993, I started watching TNG, and loved it. Before long I was watching weeknight re-runs and much-anticipated new episodes practically every night (having negotiated bedtime flexibility to accommodate this). There were many things I loved about the show; not least the progressive, optimistic vision for the future of humanity for which Star Trek–and in TNG in particular–is so beloved by so many.
But, as years went by, my mother must have picked up on another particular reason for my affinity–namely the wunderkind Wesley Crusher, who designed his own tractor beams and even managed to outwit the adults on more than a few occasions.
At one point, when I was about 11, she even bought me a framed picture of you–the very portrait you included in this post, in fact.
Now, as a young gay boy (and no doubt as a parent of a young gay boy), it’s very hard to disentangle these feelings–is it the normal intense admiration–or hero worship–so common of boys of that age? Or is it something more; something… different?
Many times I’ve joked with my friends (many of whom are also big TNG fans) over the years: “my mom found out I was gay because of the way I looked at Wesley Crusher on TNG”.
Your role on that show, and in a way this very portrait, led to (1) me realizing that I was possibly gay, (2) my mother privately grappling with the possibility, and (3) her choosing to let me know (many years before I would eventually “come out”) that, if I am gay, it would be OK with her, by gifting me this framed portrait.
In this way, you made one child’s experience with childhood (and teenage years) MUCH less adverse, and for that I am eternally grateful to you.
To forestall any possible concern: I left my childhood crush safely in childhood. Still, you’ll always be my hero.
Your fan,
Chris
I love this, and I love that you shared it with me. I am so honored to be part of your story.
Since you reacted so favorably to that story, just thought I’d let you know that Wesley (you) is mentioned as one of the MC’s crushes in a recently published YA novel titled “The Passing Playbook” by Isaac Fitzsimmons. Also, the love interest is a ‘dead ringer for Wesley Crusher’. Safe to say, you being an object d’crush was probably pretty common for gay teens of that era, at least those who watched STTNG.
That being said, both then and now, you’ve impacted more people than you probably even realize. More than will ever comment on your blog, or speak to you at a con, or otherwise be able to communicate that impact directly. So thanks for all the art you’ve put into the world, even the art created while you were suffering, and thanks for your openness about that suffering and your struggles dealing with the memories of the pain you grew up with. You’re helping reduce the stigma of talking about and getting help with mental health issues. You’ve made the world a better place.
Will, thank you so much for this. Your feelings are valid, and you have such a way with words. You put emotions and experiences to words and make them make sense.
I grew up with you, too 🙂 I too, was raised with an abusive narcissist mom, and you really touched my heart with this post. I lived the same anxious, fearful life. Always feeling humiliation was just around the corner. It’s been no way to live, so I decided to go NC for my family. I hope you are doing okay.
This part specifically touched me: “ I had been so relentlessly bullied by the man who was my father, I had no confidence, terrible self esteem, and I lived in constant fear of being humiliated. I wonder how that day would have been for me if I’d had the confidence to just dance and sing and join in, without the always-on fear that someone would tease me or make me feel small for not being the best at it”