Last week, I was looking at the news while I had my coffee. You know, like you do. I saw that Netflix had this massive comedy festival coming up, and Netflix had invited Dave Chapelle to headline.
Real quick, for context: Chapelle has repeatedly, proudly, unapologetically, hurt people I love and care about, and when the people he hurt spoke up about it, he and his supporters doubled down, hurting them all over again.
When someone I love is attacked or threatened or bullied, the part of me that’s rational and thoughtful gets shoved into a box and tossed into a locked shed while the part of me that will fucking tear your throat out and bathe in your blood takes over. Lots of us who are trauma survivors have this extreme response to things we perceive as threats (even threats that aren’t directed at us, but toward people we care about) because the fight or flight reflex that helped us survive when we were in the midst of whatever our trauma was is sort of set up to be run by an automatic system that, in my case, slips past my rational self and detonates a hydrogen bomb that doesn’t care who it vaporizes. It just knows that it is protecting me or someone I care about. Or at least, it thinks it is. A younger, traumatized version of myself needed this reserve of fury. If you get it, you get it (and I’m so sorry). I don’t need it any longer. I haven’t needed it for years. But it’s still there, and on occasion it yanks the controls out of my hands and I don’t have any say over where it’s going to go before I am in control again.
I’m not sure this makes sense outside of my head. I hope it does. Put another way, I will, on occasion, have a reaction to something that feels appropriate in the moment, but like fifteen minutes later reveals itself to be entirely not appropriate at all.
And that’s what happened the other morning. While I was reading the news, I saw that Chapelle, whose bigotry disguised as jokes has hurt, and will continue to hurt, people I love, is being rewarded for his hurtful behavior. My friends don’t deserve to be mocked because of who they are. My friends are people who at the very least deserve to exist and be happy in this world, and Dave Chapelle has made it REALLY clear that, as far as he is concerned, they aren’t people who deserve the same love, respect, and right to exist as he does. He’s made a cruel punchline out of my friends, whose fundamental existence as human beings is constantly under attack, and Netflix doesn’t seem to be bothered by that. After weeks and weeks of transpeople begging the world to listen to them about how much this hurts and how it increases the risks to their lives, Netflix didn’t only ignore them, they gave Chapelle the headliner spot on their massive comedy special.
I found this to be deeply offensive and morally bankrupt. It disgusted and infuriated me and before I knew what was happening, that hydrogen bomb went off. I stepped WAY out of my lane and suggested that comedians who were part of this festival should withdraw unless and until Netflix kicked Chapelle off the bill. I do not apologize for getting angry. I do not apologize for speaking out in support of people I love. But I deeply regret going way overboard and giving garbage people an opening to distract and deflect from the fundamental issue: Netflix is supporting a bigot at the expense of the entire transgender community.
After the mushroom cloud settled and I looked out at the smoking, radioactive wasteland in front of me, I had a few moments of reflection, and I regretted making that suggestion. It’s so easy for me to sit here at my desk and issue declarations and edicts about what people should do, and that’s just … that’s obnoxious. I can absolutely make the choice to personally boycott this festival, even though friends of mine and people I think are great are performing in it. But it was not okay for me to declare that any of them should make the same choice I would make.
Surprisingly quickly, a few C-list right wing personalities grabbed hold of my post and said I was trying to cancel Chapelle. I mean, it’s adorable that anyone thinks I have that kind of influence over ANYTHING, much less an internationally famous comedian (who I still think is a bad person), but I’m just not that important. Still, I saw how easy it was to draw that conclusion, and I decided it was best to delete that post.
So I did, and in its place I wrote something that I hoped would give context to why I reacted the way I did.
Trans rights are human rights, y’all. Don’t forget that. Dehumanizing people in the service of “jokes” isn’t okay. It literally gets people killed. Don’t forget that.
Here’s what I posted on my Facebook. I want it here for the record:
For anyone who genuinely doesn’t understand why I feel as strongly as I do about people like Chapelle making transphobic comments that are passed off as jokes, I want to share a story that I hope will help you understand, and contextualize my reaction to his behavior.
When I was sixteen, I played ice hockey almost every night at a local rink. I was a goalie, and they always needed goalies, so I could show up, put on my gear, and just wait for some team to call me onto the ice. It was a lot of fun.
One night, I’d played a couple hours of pickup with some really great dudes. They were friendly, they were funny, they enjoyed the game, they treated me like I was part of their team. They welcomed me.
After we were finished, we were all in the locker room getting changed into our regular clothes.
Before I tell you what happened next, I want to talk specifically about comedy and how much I loved it when I was growing up. I listened to records and watched comedy specials whenever I could. One of the definitive comedy specials for me and my friends was Eddie Murphy’s Delirious, from 1983. It had bits that still kill me. The ice cream song, aunt Bunny falling down the stairs, mom throwing the shoe. Really funny stuff.
There is also extensive homophobic material that is just fucking appalling and inexcusable. Long stretches of this comedy film are devoted to mocking gay people, using the slur that starts with F over and over and over. Young Wil, who watched this with his suburban white upper middle class friends, in his privileged bubble, thought it was the funniest, edgiest, dirtiest thing he’d ever heard. It KILLED him. And all of it was dehumanizing to gay men. All of it was cruel. All of it was bigoted. All of it was punching down. And I didn’t know any better. I accepted the framing, I developed a view of gay men as predatory and weird, somehow less than straight men, absolutely worthy of mockery and contempt. The culture that surrounded me, that I was part of, reinforced over and over again that gay people were not normal, like I was. Always good for a joke, though.
Let me put this another way: A comedian who I thought was one of the funniest people on the planet totally normalized making a mockery of gay people, and because I was a privileged white kid, raised by privileged white parents, there was nobody around me to challenge that perception. Everything around me, in my suburban bubble of privilege, reinforced that perception. For much of my teen years, I was embarrassingly homophobic, and it all started with that comedy special.
Let’s go back to that locker room.
So I’m talking with these guys, and we’re all just laughing and having a good time. We’re doing that sports thing where you talk about the great plays, and feel like you’re part of something special.
And then, without even realizing what I was doing, that awful word came out of my mouth. “Blah blah blah F****t,” I said.
The room fell silent and that’s when I realized every single guy in this room was gay. They were from a team called The Blades (amazing) and I had just … really fucked up.
“Do you have any gay friends?” One of them asked me, gently.
“Yes,” I said, defensively. Then, I lied, “they say that all the time.” I was so embarrassed and horrified. I realized I had basically said the N word, in context, and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to beg forgiveness. But I was a stupid sixteen year-old with pride and ignorance and fear all over myself, so I lied to try and get out of it.
“They must not love themselves very much,” he said, with quiet disappointment.
Nobody said another word to me. I felt terrible. I shoved my gear into my bag and left as quickly as I could.
That happened over 30 years ago, and I think about it all the time. I’m mortified and embarrassed and so regretful that I said such a hurtful thing. I said it out of ignorance, but I still said it, and I said it because I believed these men, who were so cool and kind and just like all the other men I played with (I was always the youngest player on the ice) were somehow less than … I guess everyone. Because that had been normalized for me by culture and comedy.
A huge part of that normalization was through entertainment that dehumanized gay men in the service of “jokes”. And as someone who thought jokes were great, I accepted it. I mean, nobody was making fun of ME that way, and I was the Main Character, so…
I doubt very much that any of those men would be reading this today, but if so: I am so sorry. I deeply, profoundly, totally regret this. I’ve spent literally my entire life since this happened making amends and doing my best to be the strongest ally I can be. I want to do everything I can to prevent another kid from believing the same bigotry I believed, because I was ignorant and privileged.
So this stuff that Chapelle did? That all these Cishet white men are so keen to defend? I believe them when they say that it’s not a big deal. Because it’s not a big deal TO CISHET WHITE DUDES. But for a transgender person, those “jokes” normalize hateful, ignorant, bigoted behavior towards them. Those “jokes” contribute to a world where transgender people are constantly under threat of violence, because transgender people have been safely, acceptably, dehumanized. And it’s all okay, because they were dehumanized by a Black man. And the disingenuous argument that it’s actually racist to hold Chapelle accountable for this? Get the fuck out of here.
I love dark humor. I love smart, clever jokes that make us think, that challenge authority, that make powerful people uncomfortable. I don’t need a lecture from some dude in wraparound sunglasses and a “git ‘er done” tank top about how I don’t understand comedy and I need to stick to acting. I don’t need a First Amendment lecture from someone who doesn’t understand the concept of consequences for exercising speech the government can’t legally prohibit.
Literally every defense of Chapelle’s “jokes” centers white, cishet men and our experience at the expense of people who have to fight with every breath simply to exist in this world. Literally every queer person I know (and I know a LOT) is hurt by Chapelle’s actions. When literally every queer person I know says “this is hurtful to me”, I’m going to listen to them and support them, and not tell them why they are wrong, as so many cishet white men do. If you’re inclined to disregard queer voices, especially as they relate to this specific topic, I encourage you to reflect on your choices and think about who you listen to and why.
Too many of my fellow cishet white men are reducing this to some abstract intellectual exercise, which once again centers our experience at the expense of people who are genuinely threatened by the normalization of their “less than” or “outsider” status. Thirty years ago, I centered myself and was appallingly hurtful as a result.
I was sixteen and didn’t know any better. I still regret it. Frankly, a whole lot of y’all who I’ve already blocked on Facebook should feel the same shame about what you said TODAY that I feel for something I did three decades ago when I was sixteen and didn’t know any better. But you don’t, and that is why people like me need to keep using our voices to speak up and speak out.
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Thank you. It’s what I am trying to explain to (some) people around me for what feels like ages now. Only better phrased. Less jumbled.
It’s not that those guys (white men and women, all straight btw) are hateful towards transgender or anything. But they are annoyed that they should adjust their mindset, “just because of a total minority” which “goes way over the top with their demands”. They simply don’t want to be bothered by what they perceive as luxury problems of only a few people.
And sometimes I just feel frustrated because I don’t seem to be able to find the right words to explain.
So again: Thank you.
I love that you state the straight people don’t hate but also don’t want to change their own mindset. It’s exactly how I feel too! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you. ❤
As I always do, I agree with 200%! I’ve said things I shouldn’t through the years about other issues and wish I could take them back. I have two bisexual children and luckily was brought up by a father who worked at the YMCA and met lots of people of all kinds of ethnicities, sexual preferences, and so on. I must say that I must show my distaste of the actions and words you talk about by not watching Dave Chappelle or Netflix. We have to stand up for not only what we believe in but what is right. Thank you again for all you do and are, Wil!!!
Wil, anything you said in your post about comedians not working with that piece of work Chapelle was right. It’s not “cancel culture”, it’s refusing to lay down with a dog lest you get fleas, so to speak. He’s just an entitled bully with a pulpit provided by a streaming service I refuse to patronize. In the same way I don’t watch or purchase products from Fox stations and affiliates. Netflix isn’t worth a bucket of warm spit, let alone any profit for enabling so many repulsive people to practice their hate. Silence equals complicity, and I thank you for refusing to be complicit.
I’ve never liked Chappelle, I saw some of his TV show and a few snippets here and there of his standup and he just seemed like an arrogant dick underneath. Also, I dont think he’s very funny in general.
As a cishet man, you DO have the authority to tell other cishet men when they’re causing harm. Maybe a 16 year old boy out there will hear you and think twice about the things he’s being told at home or at school about how it’s OK to bully others.
You have a little bit of influence, wield it for good!
Also, don’t fight on Facebook….it will eat away at your soul.
Wil,
Every time I read something like this, it makes me reexamine my own overly entitled white suburban teenage Gen Xer self who wanted nothing more than to be one of the cool kids (whatever that is)… and I cringe. Like you, I try to make up for it by being a better person, a better ally and a better friend.
I wish everyone who treats this, or any other social justice issue like an academic argument, or something of little consequence understood the enormous privilege and insulation they have in being able to think of it that way in the first place.
Stuff like this is why I love following your work and what you wish to share of your and Anne’s life.
I admire the hell out of how you have grown, learned, dared to love in ways you weren’t, and continue to have compassion and empathy for all sorts of different people in different scenarios than yourself.
You inspire me to do the work I need to do for myself and then to open myself up to others despite my anxiety and depression lying to me telling me I am nothing and who would care anyway.
Thanks, Wil. I appreciate you.
Absolutely agree with your post and this comment. As a 60-year old white suburban dad, all I can say is yes, yes, keep speaking the truth. I appreciate you.
I’d like to try a bit of nuance. Bear in mind that my daughter is a trans woman, and I support her and think she’s awesome. So Chapelle’s show got on my radar as an “uh oh”.
AND, the black people I listen to said mostly, “Hey, Chapelle was trying to talk about white privilege. Specifically how trans rights and acceptance have progressed so much faster than black rights and acceptance, and that seems to be because a lot of trans people are white.”
So, the question, “Do you have any trans friends?” seems the important one. If Chapelle did have trans friends and experienced their situation somehow (and yes, there are totally black people who are also trans, and wow are they vulnerable), he probably could have done material on that same topic in a way that wouldn’t have alienated a whole bunch of trans people and allies.
I deeply dislike any binary view of a person, be it “Chapelle is a god who does no wrong” or “Chapelle is a POS who should be shunned from polite society”. I’m fine with “I don’t like Chapelle’s work”. Nobody pleases everyone. As you say, and I love that you say it, “love what you love in the way you want to love it”.
The ability to sustain a complex view of someone is a kind of privilege, to be sure. Not everyone can afford it, particularly not someone who bears the threatened identity. In this case it’s trans people. But maybe it’s also black people.
We need a different conversation, a different dynamic. We need people who can work on that.
Your clarity is more important than you give it credit for.
I still have a long way to go at 37.
I think your experience is very relatable to many of us. I have a similar story in my own past, my misstep was born out of trying to belong as a bullied child. I instantly regretted it and lost the respect of my friend and myself. And though it happened 30+ years ago I think about it all the time as a reminder to not let my environment ever dominate my will and moral courage. To not let my pain and hardships become someone else’s. Thank you for sharing. The best humans I feel are the ones constantly trying to be better humans.
Dave Chappelle has chosen not to understand that civil- and human-rights include all people. He’s tremendously and justifiably angry about racism and seems to deeply comprehend the socio-economic and classist influence at the core of most bigotry, but he appears unable to map his anger and insights onto other oppressed groups. He should be an ally to the LGBTQ community, but he lacks the requisite compassion. Unfortunately, if the content of his recent specials represent his personal beliefs, he appears to see trans folk as unworthy rivals. As though civil-rights are in limited supply and there’s not enough to go around.
His joke writing has also gotten lazier, so ignoring him may be worthwhile.
Thank you, Wil, for the clarification. I’m a cisgay Latino. I was hurt that you included great LGBTQIA+ comedians, like Lily Tomlin, Wanda Sykes, Margaret Cho, and others, in your anger. I doubt any of them support what Dave Chapelle says.
I still don’t understand why people think it’s funny to be hurtful or hateful. Thank you for standing up for marginalized people!
Wil,
First of all I want to say how big a fan I am of your work, while I do understand that you didn’t choose to act, and that it was forced on you by your parents, your body of work has always been dear to me. Stand By Me is probably second only to The Princess Bride as my favorite movie. I’m about your age, and your presence on Star Trek: The Next Generation, as a geek boy who could save the day was inspiring to me. I’ve bought every book you’ve written since Just a Geek. I’ve greatly enjoyed your appearances on The Big Bang Theory and especially Leverage, in which I wish you’d been able to appear more often.
Oh, and it was through you that I found Firefly, so thanks for that too.
But my first communication with you isn’t a fan letter. It’s a query about your blog post.
So I’ll get it out of the way. I’m a middle-aged heterosexual white man, a cishet, as you put it (thought it was pejorative at first, given how you were using it, but I looked it up). Based on that, I’ll understand if you want to stop reading. If you do, I’ll say now, thank you for your time, and I wish you and your family the best.
If you’re still with me, I’m not MAGA, quite the opposite. I hate Trump and believe his followers are at best ignorant and at worst evil. I’m actually libertarian, but Trump was so bad that for the first time in nearly 30 years I didn’t vote for the Libertarian candidate in 2020.
I do have some of experience with queer people. My wife worked for Disney in the 90s, and so introduced me to many queer friends, some of whom attended our wedding. My daughter is queer, and I often ask her questions in order to better understand her point of view. Her boyfriend is also queer. So the experience is limited, I admit, but it’s not zero.
So I don’t understand something, and when I don’t understand something, I try to ask questions until I do. I watched the Dave Chapelle special. Understanding that I’m not queer or trans gender, knowing he had been accused in the past of being transphobic, I actively listened for what I would recognize as transphobic jokes. I don’t remember hearing any.
(OK, there is one joke that was literally transphobic in the sense of “fear of trans people,” but that not how people use the word, and even my daughter found that one funny. My understanding of how transphobic is used is “hates trans people.” That I didn’t see at all.)
Before sending this to you, I watched again, and still don’t see bigotry in the show. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact. If you’ve seen the show, you know about the story he tells for the last quarter of it or so. It was very touching.
And that’s why I’m asking you a question. I know you can’t answer for your friends, but those who claim that Chapelle is transphobic and a bigot, did they watch the show? You, who believe Chapelle is transphobic and a bigot because of what he said on that show, did you watch the show? If not, why do you believe it was transphobic without having seen it? If so, what about it was transphobic?
I’m asking you this in earnest and I hope you’ll take my question in the spirit it’s meant, one of desire to understand something I don’t understand.
I do get your point that you want to protect your loved ones from harm. I have no wish that any queer person be bullied or teased, let alone killed. Trans people should have the same rights as everyone else, to pursue their own happiness however they choose with whomever they choose. But I didn’t see Chapelle dehumanize anyone in that show. Quite the opposite, in fact.
I did ask my daughter what she thought of the issue. She hasn’t watched the show, but also gave me a wonderful answer. She doesn’t care what Chapelle says. It’s not important enough.
Again, thank you for your time, and I wish you and your family the best.
Chuck
Thank you Wil. You have a deeply honest and moving way of conveying truth through the experiences and trials of your life. I (cishet old white dude) am grateful. My trans son is grateful. My gay brother is grateful. Together we can keep moving the needle.
Thank you for empowering people to grow by telling the story of the 16 year old you and how that led to the current you.
Thank you for posting this. I had been thinking that it was OK to laugh at his jokes because it wasn’t hurting anybody, but you have made me see that this is not the case. I’ve never thought of myself as a racist, but if laughing at this makes me one then I need to change my behavior. Thank you for your stories and your thoughts, as always. However you might be feeling, please know that you DO affect people’s lives in a positive way. Thank you!
I’m yet another person who picked up some bad attitudes and behaviors during my formative years, and my life since has been an ongoing effort to purge them. They are insidious and pernicious, as they get entangled with all the rest of the personality that develops during those years. It’s not like pulling out a plug, or even brain surgery, but is more like trying to remove all the ugly snowflakes from a blizzard.
This untangling can be a slow, frustrating and excruciating process, so it’s not unusual for this process to become a petri dish for self-hate. Which has the perverse effect of making it harder to prevent those bad behaviors. Meaning I can never speak spontaneously, but must always self-monitor and filter, which is exhausting to the point of making social isolation preferable. If combined with depression, it can become a severe downward spiral.
I finally reached the point where I simply had to accept myself, warts and all, and just do the best I could with what I had available. I still occasionally say inappropriate things, and it still costs me friends and hinders making new ones. I’m also a master of the apology, but it never rings true to others.
I also avoid open mics. My flaws are big enough without amplification.
“I believe them when they say that it’s not a big deal. Because it’s not a big deal TO CISHET WHITE DUDES.”
Exactly. I have been trying to hammer this point home with a friend of mine, but to no avail. I’ll say my spiel, he’ll say, “Ok, I get it.” Then two weeks later, he’ll be like, “Did you hear people are complaining about (some problematic scene in an 80s movie) now? I’ve seen that movie hundreds of times, and I’ve never noticed anything offensive in it!” Of course he hasn’t, because it’s not insulting his race/gender/orientation specifically. And the process starts over again.
I don’t understand what being trans means and I don’t really care to find out. But I don’t take Dave Chappelle seriously and have never liked his brand of humor. What Howard Stern is to radio, Chappelle is to comedy: he makes crass and vulgar remarks just to shock people. That’s all he can do. He’s not talented enough to be original and creative. Then again that’s why he’s so popular in contemporary entertainment.
“I’m not sure this makes sense outside of my head.”
It does. To some of us.
Buuuuut…. I ever need someone to come to my defense, I nominate you, lol. #maddogwil
I have so many cishet friends who tell me I’m being overly sensitive about things like this. People who tell me that I shouldn’t react like I do because I haven’t been the victim of anti-trans violence yet. I have one word for them: “Yet.” Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will brew an angry mob that will burn my house to the ground with me in it.
Lots of people have immature or underdeveloped attitudes and opinions and jokes at a young age. Learning and growing is part of maturing and becoming an adult. Thank you for growing up. I wish more people would do it.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will brew an angry mob that will burn my house to the ground with me in it.”
This. So much this. What we say matters.
Wil I had the same point of view you did then. I’ve since then been exposed to that spectrum of people. I am proudly a changed man because of it. You might say I’m a closet liberal and have friends who are transgender. I support their point of view and will defend them to my dying breath. The funny people who make fodder of them can go suck it!
Such an important and life-saving post, Wil. Please continue to share this message, and your voice, always and in all ways. Thank you for your heart, mind and soul.
Implicit bias- it’s the devil to transform those old beliefs, as they are insidious and seem to be buried in so much of who I am. I am willing and open now, listening, hearing, feeling and internalizing LGBTQ+IA as much as I can to change from my narrow, prejudiced, entitled and sheltered upbringing. I am doing the same with racism, and any other isms that are a part of me. Thank you for being a part of my schooling, Wil. And thank you for having the guts to confess your own biases from the past, and for speaking up in support of all who are marginalized.
Your deep thoughts on these topics continue to impress me, Wil. Not that I’m surprised you have them… it’s just so refreshing to see them put out there, often in all the rawness that you feel, for us to absorb and learn from. You’re slightly younger than me, but close enough that we grew up in essentially the same era, so I know pretty well the environment you experienced. As a straight, white male, I was raised with similar attitudes (and also still find the majority of Delirious hilarious – the exact same bits that you listed). I’ve matured (slightly) since then and my attitudes have changed significant, with the assistance of gay relatives and friends and at least 4 trans individuals I know and have worked closely with. Fortunately, I’m long past the point where I have to catch myself from unthinkingly making a gay slur, but it definitely took a while. And folks I love who profess to hold no ill feelings or attitudes against gays still make occasional “jokes” at their expense with no apparent awareness of the dichotomy, to my own discomfort. Decades ago, I read Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land and, while I don’t remember a whole lot about it and can’t speak to its overall quality, I do recall at one point the main character commenting that all human “humor” appears to derive from enjoyment of other’s pain (or something like that). It’s something that stuck with me and I continually analyze comedians’ humor to see what they consider funny. Then stop watching them in most cases, if it’s all negative in some way to other individuals.
Dear heaven, Wil, THANK YOU for all this.
And thank you for calling on the comedians to refuse to perform. Even though you feel it was a mistake to make that suggestion: I personally wish more people, many more, had made it, and made it loudly. If you don’t speak out against this crap, your silence is assumed to be support. You expressed your support. I hate it that you were attacked for it, and I thank you for doing it.
Thank you for seeing us, hearing us, recognizing our pain. I hope you can forgive the 16-year-old in your story; as a gay woman who’s gone through decades of homophobia, I forgive that 16-year-old. He learned. He changed. He got better.
Someday I would love to see an article like this written on behalf of women – how women are so often dehumanized in the service of jokes, and how often women are murdered because they’ve been dehumanized by society – but we never will; at least, not from a male author. Women make up half of that society, why is their safety and humanity not considered as important? Why must racism, homophobia, and transphobia all be addressed first, before misogyny and the hatred of women? I think we all know the reason why…it’s because racism, homophobia, transphobia, and literally any hatred other than misogyny affect men. Misogyny does not affect men, therefore it’s no considered an important enough issue to be concerned with. Meanwhile, the news media shows a neverending stream of dead, dehumanized women. And the misogynistic jokes just keep coming. Half the population is considered so unimportant that slurs and hate speech against them doesn’t matter.
Hi, Presley. I would posit that homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny are all rooted in patriarchal gender essentialism. And the patriarchy sees none of that as a problem. 🙁
It’s all pretty much the same in my opinion. Or at least very much linked. Why is it okay for a girl to be masculine but not okay for a boy to be feminine? Why is a gay man so much more threatening than a lesbian? Why is is considered good for a girl to be “not like the other girls”? Why is (insert words I don’t normally use* here) “ballsy” a good thing, but being a “sissy” (and its more vulgar counterparts) a bad thing? Because misogyny. Because the worst thing you can call a man is a woman. Because being the non-penetrating partner in sex is considered weak. A huge part of homophobia is cishet men being afraid that gay men might treat them or think of them how they treat or think of women. So, yes. This is a huge issue. That said, this is “what about ism”. Yes, this problem exists. But it doesn’t mean transphobia doesn’t deserve this platform. Also, it’s getting better. Only a little at a time, but it is.
*want more? Sure you do. Drama Queen. Debbie Downer. Negative Nancy. Bitch and all of its variations (especially in the ownership/service and complaining forms). Nag. All of the words for female external reproductive anatomy. Don’t get your panties in a twist (research on how women are not allowed to express anger is truly fascinating and also horribly depressing). Etc, etc, etc. And don’t forget good old Mary Sue.
David Chappelle who the hell is that ?
Cishet ? What the hell does that mean ?
Wil I was born in 1977. I was around in the late 20 th century.
I remember what the world was like. Those born after 2000 would not.
The world was a terribly racist and homophobic and nasty place.
A lot of people from the late 20 th century are dead now.
Even River Phoenix is gone.
I think it is nice the sentiment you are trying to express but for a lot of people
it is all too freaking late.
That time and place no longer exists.
That 20 th Century world is gone forever.
Um, the world was a terribly racist and homophobic place? When did that end, exactly? Seems to me it’s still that kind of place… perhaps even worse.
I get what you are saying and I agree that sometimes these jokes can be hurtful. So, do you think a show like “All in the Family” would air today? Would it be as successful as it was when it originally aired? Today, we air disclaimers on shows like that. But what about in the context of characters in a teleplay/movie/novel? Should we not use them to point out character flaws? There are still hate-filled people out there. Is it not possible to make jokes about them in order to laugh at their ignorance? Wouldn’t laughing at a person’s ignorance just as bad? Star Trek has been called “morality plays” so wouldn’t a story of evils of bigotry like be a good for a morality play? How do you draw a distinction? It’s okay to show that it’s wrong, but you can’t have jokes a bigot would use to show that that person is a bigot in the script?? I think that you have to be able to allow people the ability to realize that these are just jokes and are being said not to offend but to show how they are hurtful to folks or so they can laugh at themselves.
I had a friend who refused to watch “the Big Bang Theory” at first because she thought it made fun of the fan base of Star Trek. Well, in all honesty, the same could be said for “GalaxyQuest,” but she loved that movie. I finally got her to sit down and watch “the Big Bang Theory” and she loved, attended tapings, and collected the dvd and got autographs of the stars. You can either laugh at yourself or be offended by what you see and hear. It’s your choice.
I appreciate you Wil. You’ve been very consistent in your stance for our civil rights. And in regards to “I’m not sure this makes sense outside of my head.”, it does.
I only know about the Chapelle situation by what I’ve read about it, on both sides. I don’t find him funny and I don’t watch anything he does, so I haven’t heard what he said directly. I know that people are hurting over this and it’s very sad that its happening, promoted by a large corporation.
I decided to google ‘wil wheaton chapelle’. Judging by the page after page of links to people pushing back against what you wrote (and taking so much out of context), you have really struck a nerve. Self Aware Grown Ups would take a look at why they are so incensed by your writing. Instead people act like 16 year olds even though they are well beyond that age. Some people never grow up.
I appreciate you willing to put yourself out there again, Wil.
I’m Wil’s age, and around the time of the experience he had with the hockey team, I was clueing into the fact that I was (and am) bi. Living in a small, conservative town, right in the middle of the 80s AIDS epidemic and homophobic panic, I internalized a lot of self-loathing bullshit, and it came out (har har) of me as closeted homophobia, I against I. Oddly, I did not think Eddie Murphy’s rabid homophobia was funny; I would fast-forward through those parts, uncomfortable for reasons that wouldn’t become clear until later, when I grew the fuck up. Nevertheless, I threw around a lot of dehumanizing language about myself and people like me, at around the same time. I’m also very sorry, and ashamed of this.
What especially kicks me in the pants these days is, for a long time, I was the queer friend among my circle who could have humanized LGBTQ+ people, but instead, I participated in my own dehumanization. And with my support and permission, they’d let it rip, saying things I remember more clearly than the good times I’m more likely to remember. Hell, one of my fucking straight friends had to go off to college, and come home after a semester, to shame us all into thinking better of the homophobia. How sad it that?
Recently, one of those friends, part the band of five who were and are my inner circle, the ones with whom the bond has lasted these 35+ years, came out to me as trans. That was another kick in the pants. How different would things have been for her, had I known better, learned better, been better? Would she still have had to wait until she was 50 to discover this incredibly important thing about herself, with someone more in her corner? Hell, my first queer dating experience – at the tender age of 19 – was with a transwoman, but because I was still half in the closet, and chock full of self-loathing, and because some of my friends were as homophobic as ever, I never stood up and said, “No.” Would my own sister have waited until she was 48 to come out and live openly as lesbian, had I got my shit together earlier? I’ll never know.
The ways in which I identify with both sides of this are uncanny. I see in my younger self the blinkered, willful bigotry Chapelle engages in – even as a comic, because I was a professional comic for 15 years before disability ended my career. I traded in jokes that weren’t okay, and defended them with the same willfully ignorant, self-serving nonsense I’m now ashamed of. And because hypocrisy is a thing, I drew my own lines in the sand, and shook a finger at other comics. That’s not to say I shouldn’t have said anything, just that I should have faced a mirror much sooner with my wagging digit.
Ugh. Yeah. This one’s personal. I could do another ten paragraphs, but this is self-important enough as it is. I’m glad Wil has grown into the man he is. I’m tired of finding out people I admire kind of suck. It’s about time one of them is trying hard to be their best self. Thumbs up to Wil. Shit, I didn’t even get to how well I know the zero-to-kill-it-with-fire reflex, born of my own trauma. But I get that, too. Be well, all. Take care of yourselves.
Thank you, Wil, for sharing this. It’s one of the most honest, true, soul-baring things I have read in a good long while. Well done.
Wil, I totally get what you’re saying and the place from which you are coming. I watched Dave Chapelle, just to see what he was saying. I don’t think he meant to be hurtful; he has trans & gay friends. He just didn’t know how to say it and still be funny. He didn’t manage it. I think he is a damaged person himself, so we have to take him with a grain of salt, or not watch him at all.
I don’t know why I am as I am; I was raised as a white, privileged woman, but I have never looked at people as black, gay, trans, or whatever. To me, they are just people and I judge them by what’s behind their eyes. That is the place where we know what or who people are. I take them as they are, inside their shell.
if we could all just see PEOPLE. it’s not our business who they choose to have sex with or what sex they feel that they are. They are the people they present themselves as when we meet them and that is all there is. That is how I see them. I don’t know why I turned out like this, but I have always been this way.
I don’t know why Americans have to pigeon-hole people and categorize them as this or that. They don’t seem to be happy unless they can put people in a box. No one is in a box. Each one is unique and we have to be open to who they might be when we meet them. We are all human beings, all the same race. There is no racism if we know this. The only race is the human race and we come in all shapes, sizes and preferences. We are just human.
I had a look at some of Dave Chapelle’s comedy not that I care. Some people will find it offensive but big deal. Who really cares what he thinks. Wil you give him too much credit and play into his hands. He is probably loving what you did for him. Maybe I am too old now but people in the long forgotten past who were different were too busy having the shit kicked out of them too worry about a few bad jokes.
As a gay man, I’d like to thank you for your stark honesty, your willingness to examine your motivations and prejudices and finally, your turning a mistake you made in your youth into something good.
“I was sixteen and didn’t know any better. I still regret it. Frankly, a whole lot of y’all who I’ve already blocked on Facebook should feel the same shame about what you said TODAY that I feel for something I did three decades ago when I was sixteen and didn’t know any better.”
Wil – I’m about your age. I also said and heard this word as a child/teen. I don’t know how often I said it, but I know I heard it a lot. Everywhere. Media, friends, family, church. The whole “put them on an island and let them die out” thing. shudder It was AWFUL. I didn’t realize it then. It was so normalized that gay people (well, gay men) were somehow bad and lesser and not deserving of life that it was just accepted. Thankfully, I rejected that nonsense later in life. I grew. I changed. Sometimes, when I see an old movie and the F word comes up, it shocks me, and I feel very uncomfortable. And it sucks, because sometimes those movies or shows are very dear to me, and I want to still enjoy all the other bits of them. But it’s always so, so cringe, because that’s not a word I will ever be comfortable with. It’s one of only two that I cannot bring myself to say, even when discussing words we do not say. It’s just so fucking offensive that I cannot even conceive of saying it now.
But that’s just it. We’re not the same as we were. We’re better. We learned. We grew. As a friend pointed out, those movies are products of their time and THEY ARE FROZEN IN TIME. We are not. The movies can be excused for not growing up. We should not be given that same latitude. I regret how I spoke as a child. But I’m an adult now, and I no longer speak that way. I left the church a long, long time ago. And it took me a long time to recover from some of the trauma dealt to me by it. But sometimes, the knowledge I have of it can be useful. As in:
“When I was a child, I spake as a child: I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man*, I put away childish things.”
1 Corinthians 13:11
That pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? Yeah, you were shitty. But you’re trying to be less shitty now. And that’s the point of all of this. Of life. Or at least it should be. Some don’t seem to get that, but most of us do, and we are moving forward together to a better place.
Be gentle with yourself, Wil. You can’t change the past, but you can learn and grow from it. That’s all any of us can do.
*I’m AFAB. But I use male pronouns when I’m in a comfortable enough space to do so and they/them otherwise. So, yeah. The verse applies. And as someone who was called “it” and “shemale” and “Pat” (long before I’d ever seen SNL and knew what this was – oh, but that’s an uncomfortable story) and such all through school, I forgive those kids. I forgive you. You were ignorant. Everyone is ignorant. Just about different things. But when one learns better, one does better. Or one should. The willfully ignorant cannot be excused. The shitty children can.
Gentle, distanced hugs from wabbit until next time.
I agree that a person should not say or do things that are a threat to a person’s actual life or livelihood. Regardless of what one personally feels about another person’s personal choices they should never make threats or incite violence against them.
That being said, do you also condemn people who make cruel and/or crude jokes against groups of people who live lives you DON’T agree with?
Hello! I totally understand where you are coming from. I too have had similar experiences. My daughter is transgender and many have shunned her for this. I have been bullied all my life for being an honest individual with thought processes! I suffer from PTSD and DID. People constantly talk and make jokes about me behind my back. These people are small in my world, not really worth my time. It gets to me sometimes but mostly I stay above it now until I get home and council with my cat! (The greatest therapist ever!)
I have also been dealing with physical pain in my back, neck and shoulders. The doctors keep pushing me off like my life is not worth their time adding to the thought of their motives behind Covid.
I find that meditation has helped me calm my would be Irish/Scottish temper. I have been in a state of fight or flight my whole life. There is one other part that is not popular yet and that is freeze. We tend to drop into our lizard brain and either we want to run, fight or we don’t know what to do so we freeze up. I wrestle with this daily. Meditation, zening, relaxing music. Reflecting is beneficial. Live in the moment not the past.
I feel for you. You are a good person and deserve good things. Be true to yourself and you will always find happiness for this starts inside of each of us Humans.
We can not control what others think or feel but we are in control of our own thoughts and feelings. Reflecting this to people gives one a natural barrier against bullies and abusers.
One other thing I wish to touch on and that is that people have become stagnant in their traditions. Tradition appears to be the culprit for despair and suffering. To encourage change we must shed these obsolete traditions.
Take care, my friend!
Thank you very much for sharing, Wil. This is very insightful, both about the effect that comedy can have at normalizing hurtful attitudes, and about defense mechanisms in trauma survivors.
As always, I am very grateful that you are willing to be so open about your experiences.
However you celebrate this holiday season, I hope it’s full of love and joy.
“When someone I love is attacked or threatened or bullied, the part of me that’s rational and thoughtful gets shoved into a box and tossed into a locked shed while the part of me that will fucking tear your throat out and bathe in your blood takes over.”
I totally get this, and while it may have been a tactical error to express the opinion that other comedians should refuse to share a stage with Chapelle, it was not a mistake as far as I’m concerned. Just because a truth is unpopular doesn’t make it untrue.
Words have power, and women and gay and trans and black and brown and different people are dehumanized by words ever day, making them look like targets instead of people. It’s abhorrent, and I thank you for loudly and publicly opposing words and “humor” that hurt people.
I also appreciate the way you have not only learned from your mistakes, but owned them publicly and shared the painful learning experiences you’ve had. Your honesty helps us all to be a little more honest, I think. We can all be better, and we learn how by seeing others try to be better.
May 2022 bring you joy.
Back at the very start of 2020, I had the incredible privilege to meet you in Richmond, VA at GalaxyCon. I waited in line, nervous as all hell, and the whole time I struggled with what I wanted to say. I’m a trans person, but I don’t always look it from the outside. I’m still mistaken as female quite often. But I knew what I wanted to say to you, even if it wouldn’t make sense coming from my face.
And I stepped up to you, and was finally able to tell you to your face that it was a lifelong dream to meet you, my boyhood hero. And without missing a beat, you thanked me and told me how much that meant to you. And in that moment, that was the best thing you ever could have said to me. (I’m also pretty sure you told me you liked my glasses, which was also awesome of you.)
Seeing you stand up for me, and others like me, in posts like this make me proud to keep calling you my boyhood hero. I loved Wes Crusher, and I’ve greatly enjoyed getting to see pieces of the man behind the character. Thank you, so many times over, for being there and putting words like this into the universe for fans like me to see.
May love and prosperity be with you now, and all through the years to come.
Thanks, Wil.
Hey Wil,
as always, a very great read. Thanks for you post.
I have a suggestion: Could you activate (or ask your web blog guy to activate) https on your Blog?
Using transport encryption should be the default nowadays, your Blog is one of the few where I am ready to make an exception, but I do not like to do that risky click everytime you write a new post.
Thanks and kind regards,
Michel
Quite the piece. If everyone was this evolved, we’d have a lot less problems as a society.
And, that third paragraph was perfect.