While I was cooking the cranberries, Ryan and his wife were behind me, preparing our turkey. Anne and Nolan were in the living room, reviewing the short list of “things Wil forgot we needed” which was only 2 items this year, a new family record.
The spray of orange oil as I zested the peel into the sauce was bracing and wonderful. I looked up and just took in, for a few seconds, the love and the joy all around me.
And I didn’t want to, but I remembered, all at once, 40 years of holiday meals with my parents where I was the scapegoat, my brother was the golden child, and my father was the racist uncle. (About two years ago, I was talking to my sister and one of us said something about how weird it was that we didn’t seem to have that racist uncle. Both of my uncles are awesome. And that’s when I realized that, just like if you don’t know who the sucker is at the poker table it’s you, who our dad was at every gathering of extended family.
And then I was as grateful and thankful and overwhelmed with happysadness as I’ve been in a long, long time. After a lifetime of being an unwilling but fundamental part of my mother’s Happy and Perfect Family lie, which included the demand and expectation that, at all family gatherings, I would make myself as small as possible, that I would absorb all of my father’s humiliation, mockery, and bullying, in front of generations of family, that I would be a thing to show off as evidence of how successful she was, how they were all wrong about her, I noticed something profound today.
Today, when I had those memories, I didn’t get angry. I didn’t get depressed. I didn’t get triggered or disregulated. I felt sad for the loss I always feel for the childhood I never had, acknowledged the grief that comes with it … and then I noticed that the hard work I’m doing with my therapist to heal and recover from my CPTSD and pain has created space I never had before to feel all of the joy and love and being part of a sincerely and genuinely happy family that doesn’t need to be perfect, because we are all enough, just as we are. I realized that I used to dread holidays, but I’ve been excited for weeks to be with my family today.
And I am so thankful for that love we share. I’m thankful for it every single day, but I’m thankful for it today, especially, because I can still feel what it was like, and how much it hurt, before.
The cranberry sauce bubbled as it thickened. I turned down the heat and grabbed a handful of herbs to chop up for the rub. Rosemary, thyme, oregano, and fresh black pepper mingled with the orange oil. The faint aroma of boiling sweet potatoes was just behind it, growing stronger by the minute. A cranberry snapped, releasing a tiny burst of steam.
We got the turkey into the oven, and quickly cleaned up as much of the kitchen as we could, in consideration of our future selves who we expect to be very fat and happy in a few hours, and probably won’t want to clean up a messy kitchen.
We did it all together, a simple expression of love for each other.
When we were done, my sons and daughter in-law went out to my game room to play video games. I came into my office to get this dust out of my eyes, and write it all down, because I’m a writer and that’s what we do, even on holidays, when something special happens that we don’t want to forget.
I am so thankful for that love we share. I’m thankful for it every single day, but I’m thankful for it today, especially, because I can still feel what it was like, and how much it hurt, before.
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Well, now I have dust in my eyes, what a coincidence. What a sweet scene you got to live and thank you for letting us all be the fly on the wall to experience it with you for a moment; I heard the cranberry snap. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
It really was evocative and vivid and immediate, wasn’t it! What fun.
Happy Thanksgiving – What a lovely post – future you is going to have so much fun re-reading this and remembering how much love you all shared together today.
Happy Thanksgiving, Wil!
I’m legit envious of the love happening in your home today.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wishing you many happy returns of today. Hugs all around.
Reflections like this as an adult have to be the best part of healing from childhood trauma and C-PTSD. It’s a slow, tender process but you get these happy/sad moments that do remind you to be so grateful. Thank you for the reminder, and happy holidays to you, Anne, Marlowe, and alllll family!
What a beautiful story, and thank you for sharing it. Happy thanksgiving, and here’s to many more for you and your families.
Note: Today is the first day. The day that will set the precedent for many Novembers to come. When Thanksgiving will be rightfully replaced, and families will gather not to eat turkey and suck on cranberry goo but instead engage in 48 hours of ceremonial bliss.
Bliss that can only come from one place.
A singular place.
A Gizmoplex…
Happy Thanksgiving! Healing from pain is such hard work and feels like the progress is so slow. It is so satisfying to have moments that you describe, where the healing work at allowing the emotions to be felt then leaves room to feel the joy and love we missed. I’m happy for you that you had that experience of joy and gratefulness. Thank you very much for sharing your journey with us. (And I agree, marvelous and unsettling about the AI summary.)
It’s so wonderful that you had an loving and supportive Thansksgiving. You, and everyone else, deserves one. Thank you for all that you do to help others find that path to a true Thanskgiving.
Although I’m glad you have a wonderful family and love all around you now, it makes me sad that you still carry so much pain and sadness inside. I had a similar experience growing up and I learned in my 40s (I’m 65 now) that carrying those boulders in my backpack was only hurting me. My abusive mother was not carrying anything so in a way my willingness to carry it all myself was kind of letting her off the hook. I didn’t create the problem and therefore it wasn’t my job to carry around the consequences of that problem for the rest of my life. It was very freeing when I was able to put down my backpack full of pain boulders and I wish that for you too. I know there is no timetable and you have to go through what you have to go through but I hope for you that freedom can come sooner rather than later. Sending an Internet hug your way…
Thank you for sharing your Thankful Thanksgiving Moment Wil. Got me right in the feels, as you do when you write your personal moments.
Just a note of appreciation and thanks for this.
Thank you for this beautiful post. I too hope that someday you will be able to put down that heavy backpack– that we all will be able to put down the burdens of the past and be free to feel the kind of joy you’ve expressed here.
I am happy you reached a pinnacle this year. My childhood was fine. My marriage, recently ended, was less so, with her mocking me to her friends, and sometimes our mutual friends, in front of our young child. We came from different backgrounds, and respected that. Processing differences does not always happen in real time. It will take time for us to let things mellow.