Earlier today, I posted this on my Facebook:
I feel like most of you already know this, but for those who don’t… the last movie I did before I retired is a little indie horror thriller called Rent-A-Pal.
I am proud of this movie and proud of my performance in it. I don’t talk about my acting work a lot, but I just found out that it’s been added to Amazon Prime Video in the UK, and wanted to share that.
Here’s our Wikipedia page, with more information and various links.
Rather quickly, a number of people said some version of “Wait, you retired? How did I not know about that? Why?”
I guess I haven’t really talked about it in public, or at length, but … yeah. I’m done. I wish I’d walked away twenty years ago and gone to school to find another career, but for a lot of reasons, I just wasn’t able to. Fortunately for me, I decided to start writing a blog, and … well, it’s been quite a journey.
I’m not sure I’ve ever put all of this in one place, so here’s how I answered one of the people who asked me why I quit.
I never wanted to be an actor in the first place, and I haven’t booked an audition in over a decade. The roles I am offered are generally tiny, stunt casting, uninteresting parts that are not about what I bring as a performer, but what I bring as a hashtag influencer who can promote to a large audience.
I’ve done a couple things for friends, or as favors for people I respect. I’ve felt that the work is fine and competent, that I do my job effectively. But there is no joy in it for me. From the moment I leave my house, I just want it to be over and I want to be home doing something I love.
I fought that reality for twenty years, hoping against hope that a role would spark in me the same joy that I see in all of my friends who are actors when they work. I hoped against hope that I would land The Role that would finally be enough for my dad to love me. I chased that for way, way too long, and I hated myself every step of the way.
So a few years ago, I just decided that I wasn’t going on auditions, and while I would listen to offers (one or two per year, if that), I am just not interested in chasing after someone or something that has made it very clear they aren’t interested in me or what I bring to the table.
And what’s interesting, a little sad, and maybe even a little tragic, is that I spent all these years trying to figure out how I could convince casting to pick me, how I could prove I was worthy, with the same desperate futility I spent trying to get my dad to give a shit about me, and it wasn’t until I stopped doing it that I realized (and accepted) that none of the people I was trying to get to notice me cared. Not even a little bit. None of them noticed the effort, or cared to share any feedback about it. And it wasn’t personal; it’s just how it is.
I spent longer than I would have liked feeling pretty shitty about that, lots of regrets, until this one day when I realized I wasn’t losing anything, or giving anything up. I wasn’t leaving anything on the table, or turning away from a single opportunity. I was releasing myself from the burden of my mother’s expectations, and accepting that there is nothing I could ever do that suddenly convince my dad that I’m worthy of his affection.
It came so late in life, but it gave me the freedom to stop chasing after something that wasn’t important to me, because I felt like it was the only thing I could do. It freed me to write stories, work on my own projects, and live *my* life on *my* terms.
I still use the basic skills I learned over my lifetime in acting when I work, only now I use them to build stories and develop characters. I use those skills to bring audiobooks and voice over projects to life the best I can, and I genuinely love doing that work.
Thanks for asking. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken about this in public, in this level of detail before.
So there ya go, and now I have something to link to if the question is asked in the future.
Wil, best of luck to you in whatever is you do or don’t do next!
Wil, you don’t owe anything to anyone. Do what gives you joy. I do hope you’ll continue to do things like Ready Room, because a) you’re good at it, and b) it seems you really do enjoy the personal interaction and interview process. Outside of that, do those things that get you excited, because that’s the stuff that matters.
My whole family loves to watch Wil in The Ready Room. He genuinely loves Star Trek and his found family. It makes every episode of a Star Trek series into an experience and I hope he continues to do it!
I enjoyed your little turn in Picard. Confused my wife though since we watched TNG so many years ago. She asked what happened. I could only shrug. I have a daughter who has turned her back on acting as well, although I’m sure she enjoys the acting part of it, she doesn’t do competition well and hated the audition process. Can’t blame her.
I don’t understand the absence of unconditional love from a father. I know mind didn’t show it all the time, but I could hear it when he told his friend about me when he thought I wasn’t listening.
Thanks for sharing Wil. I know more now.
Learning to accept the reality you live in rather than continuing to strive for the reality you want can be a very liberating thing.
Thank you for posting this. Many of us that have struggled with our mental health over the years share this one thing: trying to please others. You are an inspiration for many of us for talking about what you went through and how you are managing it all. It helps.
I really appreciate this share. It’s so good to know you have healed enough to take a stand and be & do exactly what you want! Though it may seem that some of those years and efforts were wasted, the hard earned self love and worth is that much sweeter, I’m guessing. Peace & LLAP, Niffer 🖖(◕‿-)✌
Please don’t dismiss or underestimate the value of what you did for your admirers. You did good work. Your performances merit their ongoing presence in our lives. You earned the respect of your colleagues. And there were times when you looked like you were having a ball. Not many people in your profession can say that, not in any profession you might have tried instead.
Oh, absolutely! There were truly joyful moments, lasting relationships, and great experiences mixed in with everything else. Now I can enjoy those memories and let the shitty stuff fade away.
And I love it so much that my work resonated (or, I guess, resonates) with so many people. I’m lucky that I’m good at this thing, even if I didn’t enjoy it that much, and I’m grateful that the work I did mattered to so many people.
Well, I think you’re kind of awesome. And I’m glad you’re not including audiobook work as something you’re retiring from. My family and I just about passed out from laughing while listening to you read the dolphin scenes in Starter Villain, which would have been particularly bad since I was driving a car at the time.
I don’t want to be boring so I won’t go on too much but you’re an important guy to a lot of people who’ve never met you. With apologies to John Lennon for stealing his line: “that’s something to be”.
When I first started reading your blog years ago, it struck me hard that you seemed like a person waiting eagerly to leap out and do what you were really meant to do. Your writing was often about being somewhere you weren’t comfortable. Already then you wrote like you were in a holding pattern, doing what you needed to do in the place that you were at the time and making the best with what you had. I always thought it was glaringly obvious that you wanted instead to do something big and amazing that you really cared about. You’ve always had the passion and I’ve interpreted your frustration as knowing you were more passionate about other things, maybe closer to another skill set. For all these reasons, this retirement doesn’t surprise me a bit and I’d say it’s long overdue for you to feel free to freelance in whatever the heck you want. Take that passion and use it for something you really care about. Oh wait – I suspect you’re already doing that…
I was really hoping to see Wesley the Traveller show up in future ST projects, but I completely understand and appreciate this decision. Good luck in your next adventure and all the ones that follow.
Good for you. Doing things you don’t enjoy to pay the bills is one thing. But if you’ve got the finances covered, why make yourself miserable?
It sounds like these were some really hard-earned lessons, Wil. I’m really glad you’ve reached a place where you can explore the freedom you now have and devote your time to creative work that’s so much more fulfilling for you.
Congratulations!
I think I am retired too. Going on my third year.I don’t think I can go through another cycle of performance reviews in our tech industry. Similar issues of people pleasing and codependency. I finally have space to actually work on healing.
I’m getting the feeling that this might be normal human development — to finally start healing early trauma in your 50’s.
When I first started reading your blog years ago, it struck me hard that you seemed like a person waiting eagerly to leap out and do what you were really meant to do. Your writing was often about being somewhere you weren’t comfortable. Already then you wrote like you were in a holding pattern, doing what you needed to do in the place that you were at the time and making the best with what you had. I always thought it was glaringly obvious that you wanted instead to do something big and amazing that you really cared about. You’ve always had passion and I’ve interpreted your frustration as your knowing you were more passionate about other things, maybe related to another skill set. For all these reasons, this retirement doesn’t surprise me a bit and I’d say it’s long overdue for you to feel free to freelance in whatever the heck you want. But please don’t forget your work has resonated with thousands of people, you were great in your roles and your colleagues appreciated you enormously.
Take that passion and use it for something you really care about. Oh wait – I suspect you’re already doing that…
Life is not fair.
When I was in high school I showed some promise as an actor. I remember my drama coach telling me I was going to have to decide whether to pursue acting or science. I went with science.
I had a 40-year career as a software engineer, culminating in 16 years at Google. I retired last year.
And now I find myself wishing I had taken that other path in high school.
I went to a Star Trek convention once where Gary Graham played music with his band. As I was heading back to my room, Graham got into the elevator.
Somebody in the elevator told him how much they liked his music. I’ll always remember his response.
“I know a lot of actors and I know a lot of rock stars. The actors all want to be rock stars, and the rock stars all want to be actors.”
I hope retirement treats you well, Wil.
I also went with Comp Sci. I never reached the heights of Google, but I’ve done OK. Regrettably, after being nearly wiped out multiple times thanks to multiple economic downturns, I’m still playing catch-up, while beginning to face the very real specter of ageism. I genuinely wish that I had enough financial independence to “retire” and take up something like woodworking. I’m plowing through because I have to, and it’s all that I seem to be able to earn enough doing. I kind of hate it.
Regardless, I hope that now that you’ve managed to retire you can explore things that inspire genuine passion.
It doesn’t seem that you’ve retired, or been retired. Just “moved on to something else,” or, “moved on to something better.”
Best wishes to you. Thanks for your uplifting presence.
I am glad that you have found the path that fulfills you, Wil, and have left behind the stuff that does not. Thanks for sharing with those of us who appreciate and care about you.
What if you were offered a series as The Traveler (if it was well-written and interesting, and possibly directed by Frakes)?
Working full time on a series sounds miserable and exhausting, but one or two episodes would be fun.
Congratz and enjoy. Just heard you on a Brave and Bold rewatch as Ted Kord. Amazing job as always.
I can understand that. I’m even genuinely envious of it, as I often struggle with passion vs. reward in both career and hobbies, much as I perpetually struggle between deep introversion and a yearning for connection where my brain might allow me to BELIEVE that other people actually give a shit. You’re fortunate to have a supportive partner and enough financial independence to not have to pursue something that has made you miserable. I’m fortunate to also have a supportive partner as well as the supportiveness of a mother that was denied to you, while I lack the same kind of financial independence.
I will say that I have always enjoyed your acting work from what I’ve seen. I was particularly tickled by Chaos, as it seemed like you were getting to genuinely have fun. Given Aldis’ reduced presence in the new Leverage, I expect it wouldn’t have been practical to bring Chaos back anyway. It would have given me a good laugh to see you bring that character back again, but I get as much (if perhaps even more) enjoyment from seeing you host Ready Room, where you seem to be genuinely thriving.
So cheers to you, Wil! Thank you for sharing what you do! It actually means a lot to us less-visible nerds fighting our own demons.
Wil, I’m a fellow who also really wanted my dad to love me and, yes, that is a mountain that is slippery and impossible to get a toehold on.
Thanks, my friend, for this vulnerable and authentic post. Really resonated with me.
I’m glad you’ve found peace. And now that I know the back story, I, TOO, wish you’d taken the retirement a couple decades ago.
Know this: I first “met” you watching you in TNG as a wide-eyed youth. I’ve followed you all these years (not in a creepy way) and have come to know you through your blog… or at least the “you” you present externally.
You’re good people, Wil, and if we ever meet in person, remind me that I owe you a beverage of your choosing.
I remember adults always asking what I was going to be when I grew up as if we had to pick one thing and do it forever. Spoiler alert, I thought I did. For way too long. I did the thing I went to school for, and now I… don’t. I’m also much happier, and more engaged with people than my tech job ever allowed me to be. Zero regrets. Congrats on retirement and spending your days in ways that bring joy to your own life.
Happy retirement Wil. Working with you at SuicideGirls was such an honor and an absolute joy. I’ve always adored your writing, and am glad you’ve freed yourself to follow your passions rather than the stuff you felt you should be doing. Giving yourself permission to be true to yourself is a wonderful thing. Well done you. XoX
You were the best, Nicole!
I hate that you suffered so much, but all of us are better for knowing that you exist. You’re a wonderful person (and damned good at the voice stuff!), so thank you for literally everything you have done, are doing, and will do.
Well it a not important WHEN you stop chasing someone else’s construct of your life…just that you do. May this bring you new opportunities to create and other satisfactions.
having grown up with parents much like yours (from what i’ve read), i can totally relate to what you’re saying. all those feelings about selfworth, being what someone else expects, et cetera. it sucks.
so GOOD for you to break free. i’m so happy for you, because it takes courage to do that. especially if those nasty parents are still around. mine are not. you live life very differently from how i live mine, but i hope you’re happy in yours. 🙂
Oof. I’m so sorry you know the secret handshake we wish we didn’t know.
Listen to these words.
First, acting is an awful career choice. You know the SAG stats. You know the percentage of child actors who grow into successful adult actors. Why anyone would live that “feast or famine” career path is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong—I have many friends who are actors. I know my Meisner from my Method. My Taft-Hartley from my voucher. My mark from my eyeline. So I speak with experience here.
Second, just do it. Retired? Now. Enroll in a college. There are plenty in the L.A. area. Get your teaching certificate. It will take a few years, but the time will pass either way regardless. Teach writing. Teach English Composition. Teach at a college. Pass on knowledge and experience. And not by way of Facebook. Having a steady paycheck will put you functionally and emotionally in such a better place. Actors don’t build a career. They play the equivalent of “Kaboom!” Find something that you can build.
Third, get out of L.A. I just got back from there a few hours ago. So much of that community just swamps you with performing arts pressures. And then peer pressure. The billboards (Bad Boys 29?). The studios’ presence everywhere. The “Hollywood” sign, which sits like an inanimate “Imorten Joe” over all below. Look at all of the crippled or destitute non-SAG actors rushing up, trying to catch even a few drops of the Hollywood water as it is released down from above! And the people. If more than fifty percent of your personal social list work in Industry? That’s the problem.
Fourth, you don’t have to announce it. Just do it. Tomorrow spend even fifteen minutes checking out the closest appropriate college. If you want a way out of this repeating existential circle? Here’s how to do it. There’s a psychologist named Dr. Lazarri out on the East Coast. Know him? He did it. And he’s not a spring chicken.
Many thanks for your insights, Wil. It sounds like you found your measure of peace with your decision, which is all one can ask for. Thank you too for your continued posts, which always spark something in me. You are a mensch.
Congrats Wil! So happy for you.
And also thrilled to hear you’ll keep doing audiobooks. Your work on Starter Villain made my recent week in the hospital so much more bearable. Making my wife & I giggle during that worrisome time was a gift. Thanks for that.
It was the dolphins wasn’t it? The writing was funny… the reading made it hilarious.
I know almost how you feel. I used to run a public relations agency in a very competitive field (high technology). I shut it down. I didn’t try to sell it, I just chopped it. I look back on the day I walked out of that office for the final time, a free woman, as a highlight of my life. But it was mostly my own expectations I was trying to fulfill. And yes, WHY do these revelations come so late in life???
I never thought of it as you retired from acting. I just looked at it as you left a career that made you miserable. Now, you do something that brings you a great deal of happiness while still paying the bills. Win/win.
Thinking of writing full time? I’m really torn between staying in academia after my dissertation or just taking the PhD and writing epic fantasy novels 😂 Best of luck to you, bud!
Congratulations Wil. I’m genuinely happy for you. My family loves Star Trek, especially all the new ones. I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you how much we enjoy you and your show The Ready Room. I hope you will continue to do those. Speaking for myself, I think you’re a wonderful and amazing ambassador for the entire franchise. You always speak from the heart and your Trekkie nerdiness is such a treasure and a joy for those of us who never miss an episode. I speak for my entire family when I say this: If you’re watching any of the new Star Treks then you HAVE to watch The Ready Room episodes which follow. It is an essential part of the experience. Not only are the shows a delight, but you and your show give all of it a whole extra dimension. So please, keep trekking on those. We love you. Live long and prosper, Wil Wheaton.
Congratulations on your retirement. I’m truly happy for the decision you made to move on.
I watch The Big Bang Theory reruns and love the episodes you’re in. I look forward to reading your books, posts and blogs from now on.
I’m so glad you were able to walk away from something that brought you no joy, and that you dreaded. Doing work you hate is pure misery.
In 2000, I left my fairly lucrative career because I sat on the edge of the bed and wept every morning.
Years later, at age 49 I went back to school and launched a new, entirely different career. And when arthritis made that difficult, I started doing something else.
Do whatever you want! Do what you’re doing now, or go back to school, or both. The 50s decade is a great decade for a re-do. It’s almost like being a young adult again, but better. Good wishes to you.
That’s a brilliant life milestone, congratulations Wil 🙂
I’m not much older than yourself and considering this step. Colleagues intimate that retirement will be boring, but there’s plenty of things to do that keep the mind active that don’t involve “employment”. My financial adviser said just try it for a couple of years and if I really do want to go back to work, there’s more jobs than people in my field.
While the acting work you have done has been something I admire, I more so admire you being willing to say “this is not me and I’m going to do what brings me joy”. I love reading your writing, and seeing your pics with Anne, and watching Tabletop or whatever else you want to do. Enjoy being who you want to be!
I’m so happy for you that you’ve found that measure of peace. I’ve always enjoyed seeing you in things – I LOVED ‘Rent-A-Pal,’ btw – but having read your blog for so long, I absolutely get it. Would that we could all find paths for ourselves that were more fulfilling, or at least less harrowing. Wishing you all the best <3
I’ve recently discovered your voicing of audible books. Absolutely love the way you work with Scalzi’s work having first listened to Starter Villain, the Locked In, and now Agent to the Stars. You seem to me perfect for his material, and I’m so glad you have chosen the path you are on.
Happy retirement!
Reading your books had already made it clear to me how much our personal stories echoed, but posts like these really bring up the healthy hug/punch urges. You always deserved better, and thank you for always speaking frankly about your parents. This post in particular reminded me very strongly of conversations I had with my therapist when I was finally healing, about how late in life I addressed things.
It’s pretty clear you don’t need a stranger on a parallel path to tell you it’s okay, because f lost years and garbage parents, and your healing doesn’t depend on my approval. But even though I still wish I hadn’t lost time, the stuff I managed to get up to since I made the necessary changes are everything I’d always wanted and more than I dreamed. For me it was relationships instead of careers but I’ve now had a decade of delirious joy. Real happily ever after stuff.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I deeply grok the regret, and the relief. And I deeply hope (and kind of expect) that you’re going to get more out of the future than it feels like when you remember the past. I hope your happily ever after in retirement parallels mine in love the same way our backstories do. LLAP, dude.
The inner peace is worth more than any acting gig’s paycheck, but I don’t have to tell you that.
In other news:
I’ve got one seat left in the D&D game I bought from TS.
Would you like to play?
Enjoy the hell out of life, Wil! If that means we won’t see you in tv or movies, but will see you living your best life doing projects that you love-then it’s worth it to those of us fans that love and respect you. I hope we’ll still see you at the odd con, though…you’re one of my favourite people to talk to!
Thank you for sharing Wil. I’m glad you’re going to keep doing audiobooks, your voice is wonderful. When you talk about your childhood, I always get this huge urge to hug you, both adult you, and that poor sad kid. Please imagine a big hug.
As many have already said, you most definitely don’t owe anyone, but I appreciate your explanation. So many people myself included don’t understand the pressure actors are under so that I find enlightening. I hope you do continue to do what you enjoy and drop whatever you don’t. You have meant a lot as a character and now as a true human with your honesty. Thank you for all the positive you have put out into the world.
Thank you for sharing that. While some good came out of your acting career clearly you have made the right decision. Side note I want to thank you for your DDO Tenple of Elemental Evil voice work. During the early weeks of Covid my son and I ran through that as part of our playing nostalgia games. The dungeon was great but one of my happy memories during that dark time was running around finding orbs to get the rest of your stories of D&D and such. Priceless.
This post resonated with me a lot. I’ve been very lucky in my life to not have had to go through the same struggles as you have, but I did face a moment in my late 20’s where I realized that I was in the wrong career, and it took me a while to realize that I had the ability to choose a different path.
In the years since then, I’ve realized again and again that every step along the path of life is a conscious choice, and one that I need to take intentionally. Knowing what you love doing and what you don’t love doing and choosing to optimize for the former is a critical part of living a good life, IMHO.
That said, being in a position to make those choices takes luck and privilege, and as glad as I am that you and I and so many others have that, I also think it’s incumbent on us all to try and extend that privilege to as many of our fellow humans as possible, so I always try to pay it forward.
You seem so happy doing the projects you’ve been doing “now”, that’s the Wil we want and and the Wil we love the most. I don’t think any of us would want to see you doing anything other then being a happy you. =)
Your journey of processing all of the trauma and healing has been helpful to so many. You already bring so much to the table, there would be a void for those in your life who really do care if you were to go chasing after those things. But you know that. We’re all in this together, thank you for being so open. Respect and love.
As a fan of you and your work, I’ll miss seeing you pop up in things. But I’m happy to not see you in stuff if that means you’re happy.
My wife and I agree that the best part of watching the new star trek shows is firing up the accompanying episode of the Ready Room to see your genuinely earnest and heartfelt interviews of the cast and crew. Thanks for being a force for good!
Thank you for sharing. I think one of the reasons we read is we relate. We all face the same rejections and respond with trying to be someone who would please others … and failing since those people don’t know what they are looking for either. It’s a nice reminder to get back on the path of self-discovery and enjoying life and the people around us.