About three weeks ago, I had my first audition in … um … in so long, I can’t even tell you when the last one was, or what it was even for. I average about 4 auditions a year these days, because most of what acting work I do get is offered to me, and I’m not going to complain about that even a little bit, because I am not an ass.
Anyway, this was the first audition since I had some explosive and life-changing emotional revelations, making it literally the first audition in my life where nothing more than just booking a job was at stake.
I don’t know if I can properly explain it, but that difference was fucking immense to me, and I think is one of the reasons it was the best audition I’ve had in … I want to say a decade? I think the last audition I felt this good about was when I booked Criminal Minds, so yeah it was a long time ago.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I feel like this audition was so great because of how I prepared as a human, as much as how I prepared as an actor. As an actor, I read the script, broke down the scenes, learned the lines, and made clear and specific character choices*. I’m good at that kind of homework, because I’ve been doing it for forty years, literally thousands of times. I enjoy it, and it comes very naturally to me, but I wouldn’t call it “easy”, if that makes sense.
So I did all my creative and professional preparation, like I’ve done for my entire life, and when the usual stress and fear and anxiety didn’t show up, I realized that all the emotional pain and the recovery work I’ve been doing to heal my childhood trauma was actually working! Remember when I wrote about hearing the birds for the first time and noticing that I was out of the dark room? It was similar to that. Maybe I’m making something obvious or uninteresting into something profound, but for the first time in my life, there was nothing more than a role at stake for me, and that freed me up to enjoy every step of the process, including the part where I knew, deep in my heart, that I wouldn’t book the job, because I never book the job**. Since I wasn’t carrying the existential and practical expectation or responsibility to book this job, and didn’t have anything to prove, I just had fun with it. I allowed myself to enjoy the entire process, and I honestly, sincerely, totally did not care if I booked the job. I knew that I’d do a good job, because I always do a good job. You don’t get to keep doing this for forty years if you don’t do a good job. But doing a good job or not really doesn’t matter, because everyone who auditions comes into the room with the same presumed level of competence and talent. We aren’t some of us special and some of us not. There are no sharks or dead money in the waiting room. The thing that’s going to decide who gets this job has nothing at all to do with anything any of us do on the audition. It isn’t about if we are good or bad. It isn’t about being worthy or unworthy. It isn’t about finally booking the job that will make me so famous and successful, my father will finally love me and my mother will finally be happy. It isn’t about any of those things. It’s just about being the best match for the role. And whatever it is that makes the actor they cast the best match is NEVER something that actor did in the room. It’s always something we have no control over, from looking too much or not enough like another actor, to some unconscious energy that hangs around us and makes us who we are. You know how the difference between a gold medal and not making the podium can be .003 seconds? It’s like that, more often than it isn’t.
Again, maybe I am making something simple and obvious into something profound, but I didn’t fully realize and internalize this until very recently. For my entire career, which started without my consent when I was seven years old, I carried so much emotional baggage into auditions with me, it’s a wonder I could even fit it through the door. On occasion, it helped (I have more in common with Gordie than just wanting to be a writer, it turns out), but mostly it just hurt me and weighed me down. Being able to prepare and go into an audition without it was more fun than I ever imagined possible.
Okay. So I had a great time on the audition. This character is so great. He’s misunderstood by the other adults in the picture, but the kids he ends up mentoring believe in him as much as he believes in them. He’s got some incredibly funny bits, and I felt like I could relate to him in a lot of ways that weren’t obvious on paper. I felt like I made some meaningful connections with everyone in the room, and they all felt genuine to me. When I left, I knew that I had done precisely what I set out to do, and did not want to change a single thing. I knew that I had nailed it, and given them the best version of myself. All I could do now was wait and try not to think about it.
About a week went by and we hadn’t heard anything. My manager called casting and they said the producers were taking their time, and that I was in a very small group of actors who were being considered. That was encouraging, and I allowed myself to imagine, just for a minute, how much fun it would be to play this character, and how much I would enjoy being a mentor to a bunch of young actors.
Another week went by, and casting told my manager that I was great, they loved what I did, they loved me as an actor, they loved me as a person, … and they cast someone else.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
I’m disappointed that I won’t get to play this character, and I’m disappointed that I won’t get to be a mentor on the set to a bunch of kids, and I’m disappointed that I won’t get to work in something that I know I would have genuinely enjoyed, and felt proud of. But I’m not wrecked. I’m not bitter. This is the same thing I’ve heard, nearly verbatim, for going on twenty years now, but since I’m not hauling around all this emotional baggage, I have a healthy and positive perspective on the entire thing. It isn’t about me as a person, or me as someone who never really had a say in what his career was going to be. It isn’t about proving my worth to people who I shouldn’t need to prove anything to. It isn’t about proving anything to myself.
It’s about a different person being a better match than me, and that’s it. That’s literally all it is, and if I hadn’t been emotionally abused so much as a kid, maybe it wouldn’t have taken me until I was 47 to have my “this is water” moment.
So I can feel disappointed, but I don’t feel like I am worthless, or stupid. That is a HUGE thing for me, and I can’t believe I spent literally my entire acting career — and my entire personal life until recently — feeling that way about myself.
*Doing that preparation is my favorite part of being an actor. The joy of discovering what a writer is asking us to do, and the satisfaction that comes with finding that interpretation and bringing it to life is what keeps one of my feet in the acting world, no matter how hard I try to step away from it entirely.
**Criminal Minds aside, it always comes down to me and one or two other actors. I don’t even have to ask for feedback from casting anymore, because I don’t need to hear, “you were great, but they went another way” ever again in my life.
Hey, Wil, I’m sorry you didn’t get the role, but I’m happy you’re okay with it. I’ve been following you since the Radio Free Burrito days, and have witnessed your growth and development, and it’s been a truly good thing to see. Damn it, though, I would’ve like to see you onscreen in whatever this project was…
I’d like to know what’s the difference between you and the other guy? You don’t have to prove your awesomeness, but anyone just has to look at your recent work on ‘Big Bang Theory’ to see how you connect with the audience.
I saw you in Criminal Minds. I loooove that show and you were GREAT!! I’ve also seen you in Big Bang and Star Trek. You are very versatile and that is very very impressive to me. I’m only 16 but starting in movies and I’ve learned I don’t need to please any of them just myself. If I think I did great that’s all that counts. Now if I get a call back or the actual job I’m so excited but that’s all I care about. I’ve only been an extra in a couple movies but I hope to build up. I’m just starting so I’m having fun just being an extra for now. I might get my first paid extra spot in a movie I was already in as an unpaid extra. It’s very very little for a full day but it’s something to feed my Starbucks addiction for a couple visits. LOL. I wish you luck on your acting ventures but always remember to have FUN!
Burn, Hollywood, burn.
Come on now, my man. Bigger fish.
I’m kind of bummed you didn’t get it because it sounds like you would have been beyond awesome in it, but I’m glad you are in such a good emotional place!
It would have been great to see you in this part of course, but congratulations on how you are handling in. You are inspiring!
:’)
Hi Wil, I can’t tell you how much I love that you are posting The Process of your life with such honesty and integrity. My boyfriend recently introduced me to your blog, huge excitement on my part. You are such an inspiration about being so real and transparent. And more than anything, your inherent spiritual journey, this journey is your soul flourishing …. It’s things like ego dying and soul and emotions being (more) alive, the truest purpose of our lives … Someday I’d love to meet you, I think there are stories to be told! For some reason I think the thing you are going to act in someday is going to come from your deep heart space … A story of failing, a story of deep soul searching … It’s not about “reinventing” yourself, it’s about also bringing forth your soul and living whole heartedly … All the millions of things you learn about yourself when you are just showing up … All the self awareness to becoming whole … And ultimately this story will be about teaching other people about Daring Greatly, about vulnerability and courage, about voice and what being seen really looks like when you see yourself. That’s what you are doing now … Anyway I can’t tell you how happy I am to meet you now. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading – Anne
Thank you for this, Wil. It helped on many levels.
I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get the part. I was crossing my fingers for you! But being able to enjoy the process and know how far you’ve come in the process of healing is so important too. I’m glad you’re in such a better place in your life now. ^_^
You are an amazing human being and I’m so grateful that you’re willing to share your journey with all of us. reading about your growth and seeing the strides that you’ve made and the improvements in how you have freed yourself… Every step of the way it gives me hope and faith in humanity in a way that a lot of other things failed to do.
thank you so much for sharing your insight and your experience in your healing and growth process. 💜💜💜
I found that profound. What’s more critical to our experience of life than the invisible weights we carry or let go of? Thanks for sharing your insights. I am also often working on my mindset, and hearing your experiences helps.
Good for you, Wil. But all the same… fuck.
FWIW, not only can something be BOTH simple/obvious AND profound, but what you’re experiencing IS profound, whether it’s simple and obvious or not. This is a HUGE breakthrough! You’ve had this conception in your head for your whole life that your self worth was somehow tied to whether you were picked for this part or that part (or whatever else was going on at the time) and you’ve finally gotten to a place where you understand that those things aren’t actually true. That is one of the most fucking profound and fantastic realizations a human being can come to in their whole lives. And you are having it. Right now. That is nothing short of magical.
We all have things that we have accepted as unequivocal truths. The interesting thing is that what is a truth for me is not necessarily a truth for you. Having never been you – let alone ever been involved in ANY kind of acting – I have never accepted as truth the idea that my value as a person or the happiness of my family depended on me landing an acting role. Because of that, it’s very “simple and obvious” that my self worth and happiness are not dependent on something like that. But you have lived a different life and a different ‘truth’. Being able to see through that lie that you had accepted as the truth and understanding what the REAL truth is now – that is a transcendent and very profound thing. I’m happy for you. And so very proud of you.
I am working at dismantling some of my own ‘truths’ right now. I actually just had a conversation with my therapist about it yesterday, in fact. I have been lucky enough to have some similar revelations in the last year or so – since I started therapy. So I understand where you’re coming from with this. Getting to this place, understanding how to see the world and yourself differently…it seems like it should have been so simple and obvious and it feels so weird to know that you’ve spent your whole life with blinders on while other people were walking around the whole time with their eyes wide open. But we all have our blinders. And it doesn’t matter when we finally get them off. What’s important is that we DO get them off at some point.
Congratulations. And thank you. Thank you for being you. For doing the work you need to do to continue moving toward being the best version of yourself. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Thank you for being an inspiration to me. For helping me to understand that mental health is important and that seeking help is normal, safe, and necessary. Thank you.
Hey Wil, genuine question, since you mention having such a hard time managing to land roles that you aren’t offered outright, why don’t we hear about you working with something that doesn’t involve acting? Do you have training in a craft? Have you considered it?
He writes. He acts, when offered parts without an audition. He also acts at auditions (and it’s not a matter of “having a hard time managing to land roles” – he just doesn’t have THAT MANY auditions {compared to being offered roles}). He has plenty of crafts and plenty of training. And even if my personal acting career never quite reaches this level, I am still inspired to just work on the process for my own audition opportunities. I’m inspired because He writes. He acts, etc.
I’m happy for you, Wil. Thank you for sharing this.
Just listened to your entire read of “Ready Player One” driving straight thru from OR to AZ. Anyone who can do that can do anything… and create the art you need bring us.
Hey Wil, long time reader, first time commenter. I’m reaching out to you because we have a radio competition going on here in Melbourne Australia. Celebrities, can phone in to the Christian O’Connell how and one of them can win AU$20,000 for the charity of their choice and the person that contacted them (that would be me) can also win. I thought of you when Corey Feldmen rang in yesterday, being a huge Stand By Me fan. The link and info is here:
https://www.gold1043.com.au/competition/whos-calling-christian/
The competition ends this Friday the 23rd August so please give him a call ASAP!
Cheers Mate
Stuart Barker
Melbourne Aust
I’m a 20 year veteran with 6 years left in the US Air Force. What I’ve learned is that my accomplishments are inconsequential in earning the positions I desire. I need to play the game I started playing at 18, without relying on the crutch of my resume. The moment I rely on what others or I believeI deserve, I spiral into complacency without even feeling like I have. Remember what it was like when you started, and truly wanted something you felt you didn’t deserve, and then use that passion and nervousness. I may be some stranger completely off the mark, or I brought some meaningful insight… I just felt like sharing some vague feelings. I wish you the best.
Hi Wil. I think you were on my coast last month (at GalaxyCon Raleigh), but I didn’t make it down there. Sorry I missed you. Your work has kept me entertained for years. Sorry to hear about the audition too, but you seem to have a good attitude about it. I get it. I used to do theatre all the time, and I generally like the process, but I just seem to have lost steam. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting old! Instead, I’ve been focusing on performing music and writing; they make me happy. Hang in there and good luck!
Good for you. I know what it’s like to intellectually understand healing ideas but taking decades to finally and truly BELIEVE them. Uncoupling work from worth is difficult…and you’re doing it! =D Thank you for your honesty and sharing your challenges. Being genuine is what we all need from the world right now.
I just want to say two things; thanks for sharing and I’m so glad you are finding your way to good mental health. Makes me have hope for us all
I. Hate. Auditioning.
Actually, I hate the hour or so before an audition. That’s when I settle into this controlled state of panic. And the hour after the audition. It’s hard to let it go, especially if it’s a role that’s very much wanted. Oh, how I second-guess everything from possibly saying the wrong things to the casting director (or worse—their assistant) right down to whether or not my eyeline was correct.
“It isn’t about proving my worth to people who I shouldn’t need to prove anything to. It isn’t about proving anything to myself.”
It’s something we hear in platitudes all of the time, but when you grow up “without parents,” it is also something that becomes incredibly hard to comprehend. You hit your point at 47 and I started hitting mine this year at 45. I finally figured out that I didn’t need to find value, I HAVE it – and I don’t need someone else to validate it. However, I also figured out that it’s a bit like being one of Harry Harlow’s rhesus monkeys – the ones that weren’t lucky enough to be in the “control group.”* In a similar way to your description of the experience, it radically changes almost everything. You can hear this sort of thing your whole life, but until you say to yourself: “No, seriously. I don’t need to have a “value,” it doesn’t work that way.” For me, it’s been like taking off a heavy, hooded robe that I’ve been wearing my whole life – carrying the weight, hiding within the protection. I’m still occasionally guilty of trying to measure myself by my amount of acquired knowledge (formal and otherwise – that was my “crutch” growing up), but I’m working at it every day. [I don’t know if you read Terry Pratchett, but if you’ve read “Unseen Academicals,” well, it just hits the whole “Am I worthy? Do I have value?” self-talk quite powerfully.]
Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being brave and resilient enough to keep going through things that other people probably could not go through, let alone begin to understand.
I won’t make the obvious comment there… Control, narcissists, etc…
Hey Boss,
Worthless, stupid, and failure is how I saw myself for the last 47 years. And it’s damned hard to get out of that. Your story gives me encouragement. Because I envied your role on STNG. We’re the same age. You apparently got married about when my wife and I did. And I thought I was worthless. For years. Crap messages from crap teachers when I was little was a huge issue. But when I see a guy whose stuff I like, and of whom I am a fan feeling the same, it lets me know that those feelings are just that. So, I applied for a judgeship about 2 years ago after the firm I worked for closed. Didn’t get it. And for some reason, that didn’t upset me. I am blessed with a great wife, great kids, great friends, and everything I could ever ask for. Seems you have done the same.
I saw that you are here in Baltimore for Comic-Con. I can’t get there, but if I ever run into you, I’ll treat you to beer, steak and whatever else. And I’ll pick you brain about your career and experiences. If you’re a loser, worthless, a failure, stupid…I’ll gladly join that crowd.
Love ya, bro.
You say: “So I can feel disappointed, but I don’t feel like I am worthless, or stupid. That is a HUGE thing for me, and I can’t believe I spent literally my entire acting career — and my entire personal life until recently — feeling that way about myself.”
Wil, I enjoyed your performances as an actor…but…Getting to know you as a fellow human being through your blogs has been a huge blessing in my life. I feel like I found a true friend who understands the struggle of not feeling ‘good enough’.
Thank you for opening your journey up to us all.