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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

Author: Wil

Author, actor, producer. On a good day, I am charming as fuck.

i’m dancing barefoot, heading for a spin

Posted on 22 September, 2008 By Wil

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I’ve grown a lot as a writer since I wrote Dancing Barefoot, but I still look back on it with extreme joy, because it was such an exciting and uncertain time for me.

This is where it all began, really, and though I’d really like you to actually buy a copy, I agree with Cory Doctorow when he says that obscurity is a greater threat to artists than piracy. So if you ever wanted to see how I started out, and see some wonderful illustrations by Ben Classen, without ever leaving the comfort and security of my blog, Google has made that possible with some nifty embeddable code that lets us put selections from Google Books (like this one) on our blogs.

Caveat: it appears that only a portion of Barefoot is available here, though I was able to page thorough most of it at the actual site. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts, right?

[via lifehacker]

this post has everything to do with ambient music

Posted on 22 September, 2008 By Wil

After years of various things coming up and draining the funds we’ve squirreled away to work on the house, Anne and I are finally able to afford to have some much-needed work done on our house (thank you, everyone who bought Happiest Days!) We should start sometime in the next seven days, and somehow the preparations have ended up including some serious de-cluttering around stately Wheaton Manor.

De-cluttering is probably pretty easy for most people: you just take a bunch of old shit and throw it out, right? It’s not that easy for me. I attach sentimental value to just about everything.

A typical scene:

Anne: “What’s this?”

Me: “I can’t throw that away! That’s a a coaster that I made from a menu from a roadside diner I ate breakfast at with Dave in 1990! Look at the coffee ring!”

Anne: *Facepalm*

It’s a good thing I don’t own a snakeskin jacket. I’m getting better, though, and I’ve reached a point in my life where it feels better to jettison this stuff than it does to keep it. There are all sorts of philosophical reasons for this, I’m sure, but that’s not what this post is about, so fill in your own: “____________________.”

Ooohhh! That’s very insightful. I hadn’t thought of it that way.

So. I have a lot of music on CD, because the only thing I love as much as books is music. I have a huge and diverse collection, because I’ve liked just about every kind of music at one point or another in my life, and since it was never pop music crap that hasn’t had time to become ironic, yet, my CD collection is pretty fucking awesome. If I, uh, do say so myself.

It takes up a lot of space, though, so I’m going through it, ripping most of it to various hard drives, instantly backing them up on other hard drives – just to be sure – and moving the physical CDs to the garage, where I’m happy to give their care and feeding over to Top Men.

Over the weekend, I ripped about two dozen ambient CDs from the early nineties, (which I think was the golden age of ambient music) and listening to them on shuffle has found the nostalgia portion of my brain, and poked it with a sharp stick.

I seem to have these emotional growth spurts about every five or six years, and this music connects me to the one I had in my early twenties, when my friend Dave and I would stay up all night listening to records, talking about art and politics and philosophy. (I credit Dave with my love of electronic music, because he worked in the music industry at the time and kept a steady stream of interesting stuff flowing into my hands for several years. I never would have heard a single record from Silent if Dave hadn’t worked there, and 76:14 would just be a little over an hour and sixteen minutes.)

I was in drama school around this time, so I was surrounded with artists. I spent most of my time (free and otherwise) with writers, photographers, actors, and musicians, so this particular emotional growth spurt was entirely cultural. Ambient music was the soundtrack, because it provided a lush and layered backdrop to everything we did, taking and giving focus whenever necessary. (I suppose that’s why it’s called “ambient”, duh.) Perhaps not coincidentally, it was around this time that I completely rejected what I described as American fast food culture. I may have been a little bit of an insufferable intellectual artiste for a brief time, as well. Ahem. I look back on some of those days with embarrassment, and I know that I owe a lot of people apologies for . . . stuff I’d rather not talk about, lest we all be forced to confront the things we said and did when we were 20. Though I shudder to think about how even more insufferable I would have been if I’d read Ishmael then instead of years later when I was more mature, I still look back fondly on those years of growth and discovery, as they were eventually woven into some of the most beautiful parts of the tapestry of my life.

You know, people always ask me if I ever lived the rock and roll lifestyle (wink wink nudge nudge) when I was young and famous. The truth is that I didn’t, even on the three (yes, I can count them) occasions when some girl creature literally threw herself at me. (SCARY! AHH! WHAT DO I DO?!) When I was a teenager (and there were plenty of teenage stars fooling around with other teenage stars, oh the stories I could tell you but won’t) I was too nerdy and too into RPGs. When I was in my early 20s, I was too insecure and too into books and music and very deep things that really mattered. If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing, though. This may shock some of you, but I’m glad that I fed my mind instead of my libido.

Gross! Too much information.

Anyway, when I mentioned on Twitter that I was ripping all these CDs, and how weird it felt to confront the advances in technology that made it possible (all in 140 characters!) a few people wondered what, exactly, I had in my collection.

I’m always happy to share this type of music with people, and if I have an opportunity to turn people on to music that really opened my mind (without the assistance from any chemical or mind-altering substances, I always feel compelled to add) I always seize it.

I’ll point those of you who are interested to a portion of a post I made in 2005 (my god, how is it that it simultaneously feels so long ago and so recent to me?) about ambient music. The “it” I refer to is an ambient song I made in GarageBand called Lakeside Shadow:

If you like it, you’ll probably like some of the artists who influenced me over the years: Woob (especially 1194, and especially the track strange air) Dedicated (especially Global Communication, also called 76 14), and Solitaire (especially Ritual Ground). Also, Instinct Records (still alive) and Silent Records (sadly, tragically, defunct since 1996) released an amazing number of genre-defining ambient discs in the 90s. And now, just to prove how hardcore I am, I’m going to throw out Pete Namlook, and the FAX Label, but their stuff is far more experimental than the rest of my list, and isn’t what I’d use to introduce a new listener to Ambient music.

Finally, if you can find it, Silent Records put out an incredible record called Earth to Infinity (I think in 1994) which was pulled shortly after it was released, due to some sampling issues. I think it’s one of the greatest ambient recordings of all time, and don’t ask me for it because I’m not going to jail for you, Chachi.

I think I could have said “incredible” a few more times. Allow me to emphatically pulverize this dead horse deep into the ground: if you only get two ambient records in your whole life, they should be 1194 from Woob and Earth to Infinity (holy shit there are two available from Amazon). If you can only get three, add 76:14, and thank me before you touch the monolith and journey beyond the infinite.

Okay, as I said in 2005, most of my ambient CDs are from Silent, Instinct, and Caroline, and I have a metric assload of FAX recordings that I don’t listen to very much any more. If I were to expand on the artists and albums I mentioned three years ago into a list of essentials, I would add Pelican Daughters‘ breathtaking record Bliss, Consciousness III (or Lunar Phase) by Heavenly Music Corporation, and the 2295 compilation from em:t.

If you’re intrigued, and want to know what some of this stuff sounds like without waiting, please go directly to Magnatune, and fire up their ambient mix. They’ve got artists over there, like Robert Rich and Falling You, who make truly incredible music. (I really think I need to say incredible and really more. Really.) Soma FM has magnificent downtempo and ambient streams, as well. Groove Salad and Dronezone rarely disappoint.

The thing to understand about ambient, though, if you’ve never heard it before, is that it’s slow and deliberate. It takes its time. It doesn’t work in the car, and it doesn’t work if your brain is cranked up to eleven. It’s best enjoyed when you can relax, and let it fill the room around you as you slowly sink into it and out of yourself, like you’ve stepped into a giant gelatinous cube.

Hrm. Maybe that’s not the best way to describe it. Go ahead and fill in your own: “______________.”

Yes, that’s it. That’s it exactly.

REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

Posted on 22 September, 2008 By Wil

This was forwarded to me by a friend. It’s important to laugh, when the only other option is to cry.

From: Minister of the Treasury Paulson

Subject: REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship
with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country
has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of
800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it
would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you
may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation
movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need
the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these
funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly
under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for
a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the
funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund
account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to
[email protected] so that we may transfer your commission
for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will
respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used
to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully
Minister of Treasury Paulson

this post has nothing to do with affleck, who was the bomb in phantoms

Posted on 22 September, 2008 By Wil

Warning: This post contains poker content, and is probably boring to 96% of people the people who will it.

Saturday night, Anne and I went out to Santa Monica for the All-in for Scleroderma poker tournament. About 100 people played, and I made the final table with one big blind left, finishing in 10th place.

I had all kinds of fun, and for the first time I think since I started playing poker, I didn’t feel like I was one of the weakest players at the table (I guess I need to stop playing with Otis and Absinthe.)

When I was playing poker weekly, hosting the WWdN poker tourneys (does anyone else kind of miss that? Would you play if I started them up again?) I always felt out-matched by at least half the field, many of whom were gunning for me, which I guess was part of the fun (though people keep telling me it’s great to have players gunning for you, I don’t like it. It makes it nearly impossible to bluff, because people will call you down with bottom pair or ace-high, just because they want to tell the story.)

When I played on Saturday, something clicked in my brain, and all the games I’ve played, all the books I’ve read, all the studying I did to be a better player all came together, and I had one of those nights I’ve always heard about, where I could play without looking at my cards, as they say.

I didn’t keep notes, but I wanted to recount a couple of hands that made me very happy.

I raised from middle position with some bullshit hand, just because I wanted to steal the blinds. The big blind, a guy who I’d watched chase the most unlikely draws at any price only to fold on fifth street, called. This didn’t displease me, because I was fairly sure I could outplay him.

The flop was something like Jd-7d-x. He checked, and I bet. He checkraised me about 1/3 of the pot. I’d watched him do this before, and he’d shown the bluff both times. So I remembered something I heard Gavin Smith once say about a call in this position being a very strong play, much stronger than re-raising, so that’s what I did. I knew if a diamond hit or a big card came, he was likely going to fold to any bet (it’s worth pointing out that he didn’t semibluff at all, so I put him on a suited cards that didn’t hit the flop.)

The turn was another 7. He bet really fast, which is a pretty reliable tell of weakness. The logic says that if someone made a set with that card, they’d take some time to figure out how to best get paid off. “Should I check? How much should I bet?” If a level 1 or level 2 player makes a very quick bet, it’s almost certainly a bluff, intended to scare the other guy out of the pot.

“I have you now,” I thought, in my best Darth Vader voice. I thought for a second, counted the pot, looked at his chips, and bet about half the pot. He thought for several seconds and said to the guy next to him, “I knew it,” as he folded.

“See?” I heard Lee Jones say in my head, “poker is easy!”

When we got down to three tables, I got into it with the same guy. Several players limped into the pot, and I called with 67 in late position. I flopped a seven, with two hearts on the board. Everyone checked around, so I made a feeler bet that got everyone except this guy to fold. I turned the six of hearts, so I had two pair with a flush on the board. This is not a position I like to be in, especially when the other player in the hand likes to chase draws. He bet, though, which made me almost positive that he didn’t have a hand. I’m not the most experienced player in the world, but I had a read on this guy. He was very predictable, and never bet his made hands. Was he the kind of player who would know that I know that? That’s deeper poker thinking than I’d seen from him, so I trusted my gut and called, planning to put him all-in on the end. I was very confident that I had the best hand, and I was pretty sure that he still had a draw.

The river was a blank, putting two diamonds and three hearts out there, and he jammed for just about the entire pot. I expected this, and I was still pretty sure that he had a busted draw, but I took my time and replayed the hand in my head. Based on everything he’d done up to that point in the tourney, and based on everything he’d done in the hand, I was pretty sure I could call and win. It was about 1/3 of my chips, though, and if I was wrong, it was going to suck.

“Don’t see monsters under the bed,” Lee Jones said in my head.

There was a chance he had the flush, and had chosen this hand to mix up his play. It was possible.

I counted my chips again, and asked for a count of his chips. My math was correct, it was about 1/3 of my stack to call, and I was getting well over 3:1 on my money. Maybe for experienced players this is an easy call, but I wasn’t sure, so I looked up at him . . .

He gave me what Paul Phillips once called “the sly smile,” just turning up the corners of his mouth. “It’s a 100% reliable tell,” Paul told me at MGM a few years ago after he picked it up from me.

“Trust your instincts and make smart plays,” Greg Raymer said. How did all these poker players get into my head? I didn’t think there was room for them around the d20s and zombies.

“Okay, I call,” I said. “Do you have the flush?”

He flipped up his cards to show a busted diamond draw. “I don’t, but I was hoping you’d think I did!”

While the dealer pushed the pot to me, we both stood up and shook hands. “You’re damn good,” he said to me.

“I don’t know about that,” I said, “but thank you.”

“How could you call me?” He said.

“I trusted my instincts,” I said.

The hand that crippled me was . . . sort of lame. We’d been playing short-handed for almost a full level with two tables left. I was getting absolute crap cards, and the other players were making it impossible for me to steal. An erratic player open-raised from early position, and got one caller. I looked down at K6 in the big blind, and decided that I’d go ahead and make a squeeze play. The blinds were about to double, cutting my M down to 3, so I didn’t have to think about this one very long.

Open-raiser, who was really willing to play almost any two cards, insta-called for 3/4 of his stack. Oh shit. The other guy thought briefly, and called for all his chips. I’m done.

Before I tell you what they had, let me explain the squeeze play. Dan Harrington introduced it to me in his awesome Harrington on Hold’Em books, and it goes like this: when someone raises and gets a caller, you come way over the top of both of them, representing a huge hand. Most players will fold nearly everything but AA-QQ, so you’ve got a very good chance to pick up all the dead money in the pot without a fight.

The thing I forgot, though, was that this play only works on people who know that they’re “supposed” to fold. Whoops.

Insta-caller showed the ace and the three of spades. Are you fucking kidding me?! The other guy showed a pair of eights.

The eights I could understand. He was getting massive odds thanks to the A3 guy (WTF?) and he’d already told me that he wanted to bust me so he could get my book. I couldn’t fault him for calling.

I asked the dealer to please pair my live king. He did his best, but the poker gods had other plans, tripling up the pocket eights guy as the board didn’t help any of us.

While I was busy getting crippled, someone busted on the other table, so they combined us into a final table of ten players. I had one big blind left, so I announced that I was all-in blind. Everyone folded, and I thought that I may have a chance against the equally-random cards in the blinds . . . but the guy to my right raised, they folded, and he tabled pocket kings.

He let me keep my cards hidden until the whole board was out, and I hoped for the improbable two pair to stay alive and mount the greatest comeback of my life . . . but I missed. I don’t even remember what the cards were.

There was some applause, and I wished everyone good luck. I signed my book for WWdN reader K, who was one of I think five readers who came out (this made me deliriously happy; over the 60 or 70 shows I did at ACME, I think 12 people ever came when I mentioned it on my blog, so getting about half of that number at one event was unexpected and totally awesome – thanks for coming if you were one of them!)

In no-limit poker, one mistake or lapse of judgment can knock down the whole log jam. I’m not sure if I’d take my squeeze play attempt back; the blinds were coming up, I needed chips to have a chance at making a run for the top three places, and I had a position where I thought I had a decent chance to make a play. Under normal conditions, I’m not playing K6 to a raise in any position, but I wasn’t playing my cards, I was making a move, and even though it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I was happy with myself for having the guts to make it. I was playing to win, instead of playing not to lose.

I’m not fooling myself; I’m not some kind of expert poker player, and I’m okay with that. But for one tourney, I felt like I was in complete control of my game, and playing at a slightly higher level than the people I was playing against. That was a tremendously satisfying feeling, almost as good as knowing that I helped raise a lot of money to help people who need it.

never forget your roots . . .

Posted on 20 September, 2008 By Wil

classic_roleplaying_illustration.jpg

"Do you play D&D?"

I gasped. According to our ultra-religious school, D&D was Satanic. I looked up for teachers, but none were close to us. A hundred feet away on the playground, another game of dodgeball was underway. I involuntarily flinched when I heard the hollow pang! of the ball as it skipped off the ground.

"You’re going to get in trouble if you get caught with that," I said.

"No, I won’t," he said. "If I just keep it turned upside down, they’ll never see it. So do you play or not?"

"I have the red box set," I said, "and a bunch of characters, but I don’t have anyone to play with."

"That’s Basic," he said. "This is Advanced."

From Happiest Days .

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