Category: blog

It’s fun to watch someone go through a major crisis, even if it’s self-inflicted. Puts things into perspective.
Some thoughts I had last night while listening to the rain bounce off my roof:
Ii have spent each day the past few weeks just inches from tears.
it’s a lot of things: fear and uncertainty about the quality of my book being the biggest, having the sit there and take it while some Rich Fucking Asshole treated me like I was a little kid, stupid computer problems, anne’s ex-husband bullshit, and finally the blog trolls (who I really should have just called assholes, because that’s what they are) and emailers.
Alone, I can deal with any of those things, but together . . . well, it’s just too much to deal with.
But the uncertainty about this book is killing me. I thought I had something really good, and shared it with a few people. Most of them told me it was really good, and gave some constructive feedback. A few of them absolutely ripped it to shreds, and gave me some constructive feedback. The result? I found myself unsure about everything. Unable to trust my instincts. I rewrote major parts to please others, instead of myself, and it left me paralyzed. I’ve since decided to just let it go. I’ll finish some grammatical and spelling corrections, complete a few tiny changes where I want to add more information, and publish the damn thing.
I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s not as good as I thought. I’m scared that it’s better than I thought.
My mom told me that I was in the middle of “vast uncharted territory” and that it was okay to be afraid. I’m not so sure.
I shouldn’t have posted my “I’m leaving, here’s why, okay now I’m back but I’m really leaving and I hate you” post. What I should have said is, “I’m overwhelmed with several things in my life, and writing for WWDN isn’t bringing me any joy right now. As a matter of fact, it’s sort of a chore, so I’m taking some time off.” What I posted gives way too much power and importance to a very small group of people who I should really just feel sorry for.
But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel just a tiny bit better to hear from people who actually SUPPORT me for a change. And Ben sent me a nice cartoon.
Note to self: don’t post when emotional.
And you know what else? I am profoundly upset about war, dreams of war, and the Bush Junta. Patriot II? How the fuck did this happen? How did we, as a culture, sit back and put these people in charge?
And these “Terror alerts?” Does anyone believe them? Did you guys read about the “suspected terrorist” in SF Bay? Some tug boat captain suggests that he saw someone in an unlit Zodiac raft at 3AM, wearing a wetsuit. That’s it.
The CG looked everywhere for this boat and its alleged terrorist, and found NOTHING.
But it’s all over the news, because WE ARE ON ALERT!!1!!11!
What happened to critical thinking? Are the American people so soporific that they can’t see this bullshit for what it is?
And now we’re supposed to believe that Osama Bin Laden is JOINING FORCES WITH SADDAM?
What?!
The timing on this is all too pat for me, and I wonder where the fuck the critical voices are who should be questioning this stuff. Where are the other voices in this vast wilderness? Isn’t anyone willing to speak up?
We are marching directly into a war, though there is massive public resistance to it.
We are marching directly into a war, and the media, the supposed 4th estate, isn’t doing ANYTHING to keep people informed — they’re just propagandizing for the Bush Junta.
We are marching directly into a war, though the rest of the world wishes we’d just mind our ouw stinking business.
And nobody seems to care. And I’m “anti-American” because I feel this way.
I was picking up some tools at OSH about an hour ago, and helped an older woman take some plastic boxes down from a tall shelf. When I put them in her cart for her, she moved a bunch of duct tape and plastic sheeting out of the way. She told me how scared she was, and urged me to be prepared and safe.
That’s perfect. This woman, who could be doing several other things today, is preparing for a terrorist attack, right here in Pasadena. Because she’s afraid. Just like the Bush Junta wants us all to be.
Ugh. Note to self: don’t post when emotional.

I’ve had it with blog trolls, hateful e-mails, and the general idiocy that seems to overwhelm otherwise normal people when they connect to the Internet.
I just don’t understand it. Where is your humanity? Do you treat people you see in real life the way you treat me? Do you go out of your way to insult and belittle people? Is your life so miserable, so empty and meaningless, your self-esteem so low that you need to attack me? Honestly, what have I ever done to you? Really. What have I ever done?
Dealing with this shit has become a huge and unecessary distraction, so WWDN will not be updated for the near future while I finish “Just A Geek” and take care of some other RL stuff.
I just . . . I just need a break. In the meantime, check out the archives. There’s some stuff in there that I’m really proud of.
. . . I’ll be enjoying Channel 2’s TEAM COVERAGE of STORMWATCH.
Heh.

I just found out that the director for I, Robot “didn’t respond to any” of the tapes he saw, including mine.
In the mysterious Hollywood lexicon, this can mean a number of things, but it usually comes down to one of the following:

• My interpretation of this character and his vision don’t match up.
• I don’t physically look like what he has in his mind.

These are both very valid, and totally understandable reasons . . . but it doesn’t make me feel any less sad. It’s frustrating to hear “the director didn’t respond to you,” because it’s so nebulous. It’s like being told, “You’re not getting this job. Why? Because. Next!” It also has a sort of negative feeling to it, doesn’t it? It doesn’t help that I have heard “the director didn’t respond” without any real elaboration countless times in my career .
I was very happy with my audition. I wouldn’t change a single thing about it. I know that I could have done a great job with this character, and I would have been really good in this movie.
Whle I didn’t sit in my living room for days, not eating and agonizing over getting this part, I was genuinely excited about the opportunities it presented. Working with Will Smith and Alex Proyas, and getting to play a robot would have been awesome.
Thanks for all the support, everyone.
The journey continues . . .

Spent the weekend playing front yard touch football and whiffle ball with the kids. Tried very hard to care about the Superbowl, but I just couldn’t do it.
Played so much Vice City my thumbs hurt, and I dreamed that I was Tommy Vercetti last night. Very lucid, very strange.
Did lots of work in the garden — it’s been in the 80s here for over a week, so we decided to take advantage of the warm while we had the chance.
Wasted almost 18 hours trying to do several computer things. None of them work. Stupid computers.
Haven’t heard anything about the auditions.

Here’s a quick update on I, Robot:
They put about 100 actors on tape last week. 20 of those tapes were sent to the director, including mine. He will pick a few he likes, and have meetings with them this week or next.
Wish I had more info, but that’s it. Strangely, I’m not sitting here, stomach in knots, agonizing over whether I’ll get it or not. While I would love to work with Alex Proyas (I am a HUGE Dark City weenie) and play a robot, I don’t have the life-or-death feeling that used to accompany auditions.
And as far as I know, they didn’t see anyone from Jimmy Kimmel’s family.