Something you need to know about me is that I’ll do literally anything in the world before I will go to the doctor.

It was Thanksgiving 2022. We went to our kids’ for the holiday, and because I’m a dad who loves his children and family more than anything in this world, I totally forgot I was in my 50s and thought it would be just fine to play badminton with my boys.

Turns out it wasn’t. After the thrill and adrenaline and fun of playing a game I’m terrible at with my adult children who didn’t take it easy on me even a little bit wore off, I started feeling pain and weakness in my shoulder. By the following morning, it had spread to my elbow. When we got back home, my wrist had joined in on the action.

Something you need to know about me is that I’ll do literally anything in the world before I will go to the doctor. I know that’s not the smartest thing, but it’s how I’ve been forever. But I’m trying to actually center myself and my self care more consistently as I enter this part of my life, so I only ignored this for a little over a year; a new personal record.

About five weeks ago, I woke up and couldn’t lift my left arm. It was completely dead and my forearm hurt like crazy. What the fuck, Wil’s Body? All I did was sleep!

Well, all I did was sleep and ignore an injury for a year. So I went to see the doctor about a month ago, and told him the whole embarrassing story.

He ran all these tests on me, and looked at my medical history. He pointed out that when I was 18, I was a goalie in a recreational hockey league. I took a slapshot to my face that defied physics and engineering, collapsed my helmet into my forehead, where it split open like an orange peel that was squeezed too tightly. It also gave me whiplash, and herniated two discs in my neck.

He said that it was a serious injury, and while I had always known that in the abstract, I hadn’t even really thought about exactly how serious it was.

I don’t remember much of it (I was in shock at the time), but I spent hours in surgery with a cosmetic surgeon who did such a good job closing it (with something like 30 stitches), I don’t have a cool scar to show off today. Nobody said anything about my skeleton, my neck, my spine, or the herniated discs, so I never followed up about what turns out to be the most serious and lasting part of the whole thing. I don’t know how a person goes over 35 years with a neck as messed up as mine without knowing it, but all I can do is point to myself and make the “i dunno” face with the hands up.

So when I woke up with a completely dead and aching arm (because I slept on my left side like a maniac), I admitted to myself that I’d chosen poorly for over a year, and I made an appointment with the same doctor who has provided excellent care to Anne.

I fully expected that I had a soft tissue injury, possibly a tear in something. I thought maybe surgery would be involved, which would not be great but is entirely my fault for choosing the “ignore it and it will go away” approach to being a middle-aged dude.

But it turns out that, according to the X-ray and other tests he did, I have no soft tissue injury or any tears in any part of my body. The badminton and associated activities just pushed my body past its ability to barely hold itself together.What I do have is no curve in my neck, three almost entirely compressed discs, and a bunch of muscles all doing their best to compensate. These things work together to form Voltron, where Blazing Sword is my arm feeling like it’s experiencing an electrical fire that also itches. Really great stuff. I’ll form the head.

The good news, according to my doctor, is that physical therapy will heal all of this. The great news, according to me, is that I get to start it today after waiting a month for a spot to open up.

I’m so excited to go do this, I woke up two hours before my alarm this morning and I’ve been counting down for the last six hours until I get to leave.

That’s so fucking middle-aged, isn’t it? “Oh my god, you guys! I am so excited to start physical therapy, I woke up early! What a great day! See you all at 4pm for dinner, after my nap!”

…still punk as fuck.

a post about video games

On my Tumblr Ask Me thingy, someone asked if I played online games.

As it turns out, I’ve been enjoying a wider than usual variety of games, and was just this week thinking about posting a little blog about it. So I answered:

I am so old, my formative experiences with video games were all single player. When multi-player online arrived, it was text-based MUDs (I helped run one, when 28.8 was fast) and that was all the social interaction I ever needed.

Put another way, I prefer my gaming to be quietly alone, or couch co-op with one of my kids. I have found every single online multiplayer gaming community to be so toxic and unwelcoming to new players, I honestly don’t know how anyone can endure that shit to get to the good stuff, but like I said, I’m old.

For the last year or so, I’ve split my time among:

NHL 22 Create a Pro. Blaine Gretzky is in his 8th season of a game that was never intended to be an RPG, but EA vastly underestimated how far a weird nerd will go to make that happen. (What’s up, #Blainiacs?)

Baldur’s Gate 3. I’m in the final battle of my second play through because there is no such thing as too much Karlach. But I took a break because I loved the Fallout TV series, so…

Fallout 4 has been my jam for about a month. I loved New Vegas so much I have played all of it I think three times, plus I did all the DLC in a weekend awhile ago. But I never played 4, because I was playing RDR2 or something when it came out, and I never got around to it. But I saw that it was part of the Playstation Plus thing, so I’ve been playing the hell out of it, and I’m completely obsessed. The world is so much bigger than I expected, and I love building, maintaining, and putting disco balls into all my settlements. I have no idea how far into the story I am, but every night something new and fun happens when I play.

And, finally, Stardew Valley. I am years late to the party, but I wanted something gentle, slow, and meditative for the change of pace from all those other things. I actually came to it because I wanted something like Animal Crossing that wasn’t Nintendo-exclusive, and it was like 4 dollars on Steam. I think I have 40 or so hours in it. I’m about to start my first Fall season, and I fucking FINALLY caught a fish. I love how it forces you to pick one or two things to do each game day, so I’m like, “Well, we’re clearing trees and rocks today, then I’ll water the garden and go to sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll take gifts into town.” And so on. It shouldn’t be as satisfying as it is, but it just works perfectly for me. I never would have expected to love this kind of game the way I do, but I’ve been experiencing some major growth, change, and healing, recently, which has opened up so much more space for activities.

Thanks for asking. It’s always fun for me to talk about stuff like this long after everyone has lost interest.

I’m not the only nerd who is asked a very simple question like “Coke or Pepsi?” and is still talking about the history of RC Cola an hour later, right? It can’t be just me.

Please say it isn’t just me.

another one of my garden metaphors

This is another one of my garden metaphors.

Last summer, a volunteer sunflower showed up in the garden. As I do with all feral plants, I left it alone, but made sure it could grow and thrive. It did.

When it finished growing, I collected its seeds, and spread some of them around the yard. Some of them grew into flowers, and I collected some of their seeds. I kept them in a safe place, until the ground was ready to receive them earlier this season.

I planted those seeds into my actual garden, and I have tended them with the rest of my plants. Sunflowers, I have noticed, don’t really want or need much intervention, so mostly I was making sure no pests were damaging them, and I did remove a couple of stalks that were struggling. What is left have grown into this beautiful sunflower patch that attracts so many bees and other pollinators that are beneficial to our entire garden, as well as our local ecosystem in general.

I get to look at these flowers every day, and absolutely love everything they bring to my garden and to our local ecosystem, and when they are done, hundreds upon hundreds of seeds will emerge, because I kept an eye on a single seed about 25 moons ago, and mostly left it alone; I simply cared for and gently supported and protected it, until it was strong enough to bloom.

happy (on camera acting) retirement to me

Earlier today, I posted this on my Facebook:

I feel like most of you already know this, but for those who don’t… the last movie I did before I retired is a little indie horror thriller called Rent-A-Pal.

I am proud of this movie and proud of my performance in it. I don’t talk about my acting work a lot, but I just found out that it’s been added to Amazon Prime Video in the UK, and wanted to share that.

Here’s our Wikipedia page, with more information and various links.

Rather quickly, a number of people said some version of “Wait, you retired? How did I not know about that? Why?”

I guess I haven’t really talked about it in public, or at length, but … yeah. I’m done. I wish I’d walked away twenty years ago and gone to school to find another career, but for a lot of reasons, I just wasn’t able to. Fortunately for me, I decided to start writing a blog, and … well, it’s been quite a journey.

I’m not sure I’ve ever put all of this in one place, so here’s how I answered one of the people who asked me why I quit.

I never wanted to be an actor in the first place, and I haven’t booked an audition in over a decade. The roles I am offered are generally tiny, stunt casting, uninteresting parts that are not about what I bring as a performer, but what I bring as a hashtag influencer who can promote to a large audience.

I’ve done a couple things for friends, or as favors for people I respect. I’ve felt that the work is fine and competent, that I do my job effectively. But there is no joy in it for me. From the moment I leave my house, I just want it to be over and I want to be home doing something I love.

I fought that reality for twenty years, hoping against hope that a role would spark in me the same joy that I see in all of my friends who are actors when they work. I hoped against hope that I would land The Role that would finally be enough for my dad to love me. I chased that for way, way too long, and I hated myself every step of the way.

So a few years ago, I just decided that I wasn’t going on auditions, and while I would listen to offers (one or two per year, if that), I am just not interested in chasing after someone or something that has made it very clear they aren’t interested in me or what I bring to the table.

And what’s interesting, a little sad, and maybe even a little tragic, is that I spent all these years trying to figure out how I could convince casting to pick me, how I could prove I was worthy, with the same desperate futility I spent trying to get my dad to give a shit about me, and it wasn’t until I stopped doing it that I realized (and accepted) that none of the people I was trying to get to notice me cared. Not even a little bit. None of them noticed the effort, or cared to share any feedback about it. And it wasn’t personal; it’s just how it is.

I spent longer than I would have liked feeling pretty shitty about that, lots of regrets, until this one day when I realized I wasn’t losing anything, or giving anything up. I wasn’t leaving anything on the table, or turning away from a single opportunity. I was releasing myself from the burden of my mother’s expectations, and accepting that there is nothing I could ever do that suddenly convince my dad that I’m worthy of his affection.

It came so late in life, but it gave me the freedom to stop chasing after something that wasn’t important to me, because I felt like it was the only thing I could do. It freed me to write stories, work on my own projects, and live *my* life on *my* terms.

I still use the basic skills I learned over my lifetime in acting when I work, only now I use them to build stories and develop characters. I use those skills to bring audiobooks and voice over projects to life the best I can, and I genuinely love doing that work.

Thanks for asking. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken about this in public, in this level of detail before.

So there ya go, and now I have something to link to if the question is asked in the future.