it’s an older meme sir, but it checks out

I have over 1000 hours in NHL 22. I’ve been playing Create A Pro for three years, guiding Blaine Gretzky to the top of every record possible in the Mirror Universe NHL. He will retire with the Kraken as the greatest player of all time.

But to get there, I have to play another three or four hundred games, and Blaine Gretzky is so OP now, the games aren’t all that challenging. I’ve also become VERY aware of the bugs they never squashed. While it is tremendously satisfying competence porn, it’s become a bit rote.

So I got myself NHL 25, which gets reasonably good reviews (correcting for typical EA Sports fuckery).

Holy shit it’s so much harder to play a rookie who is constantly getting knocked down and running out of gas after 30 seconds than it is playing a veteran who scores essentially whenever he shoots the puck. And since it’s been like 930 hours since I played this game as a rookie, I have had to learn all over again how to actually play the game, rather than just running over it because I’m so OP.

Which brings me to my current pro’s rookie season. His name is Johnny Marlowe. He wears number 13. He is named after my beloved dog, and is a tribute to Johnny Hockey (may his memory be a blessing).

After a disastrous 1-7 start to the season (can we talk about the goals the computer scores against itself when I’m on the bench? And how it tends to give itself 4 goal leads that way?), things finally started to turn around and we got the team’s record up to 3-9-2 and the coach challenged Marlowe to win 2 of the next 3 games.

No problem. I’m getting the hang of the flow and demands of the game, Marlowe is getting better, and 2 of 3 seems really doable, especially since I just unlocked his first zone ability.

Game 1 is against the division rival Washington Capitals (Marlowe plays for Carolina). Marlowe scored TWO goals in the first period, before getting boarded in the second, injured, and removed from the game … which Carolina goes on to lose, after Johnny Marlowe gave them a 2 goal lead in the first.

But not to worry! He’s not on the IR, and is ready to play in the second game, against Pittsburgh. We gotta win two in a row, boys! We can do it!

Johnny Marlowe is injured and removed form the game after an open ice hit on his first shift.

And I’m like … what the fuck, NHL 25? Give me a challenge, and then ensure I can’t complete it? Are you serious?

So I reached deep into my MEMEory to mark the occasion the only way I know how:

I posted this on Facebook, where about 500,000 accounts follow me, many of them actual human beings! After several hours, there were under 200 interactions, which honestly exceeded my expectations.

And it reminded me of this philosophy I have embraced since I heard Joel Hodgson say it in the 90s: “We don’t ask ourselves ‘who is going to get this?’; we remind ourselves “the right people are going to get this.”

And real quick, before I start my Sunday: if you recognize this old meme, and especially if you’re fondly remembering the rageface comics you made in college … it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

This was the worst Kings season in years. It’s time to fire Rob Blake.

Hockey incoming. If you don’t speak sports, keep on scrolling.

tl;dr: Hockey is supposed to be entertaining, even when teams are rebuilding. Teams are expected to be minimally competitive in the salary cap era. Kings fans have patiently waited through some very lean years, supporting an organization that’s fallen from its Stanley Cup years into a middling, rote, frustrating decade of missing the playoffs followed by three years of first round exits against the same team. The Kings need to clean house, starting with the GM and front office, or next season will be a repeat of this garbage season, which was the most frustrating and least entertaining season I’ve endured since the 80s. I mean, there were some really bad teams in the late 90s, but they could score power play goals, at least.

Rob Blake was a great player for the Kings. He has been a disaster as a general manager, and the Kings are going to be mid, at best, for years to come, due to his incompetence.

And I think his total failure to lead this organization comes down to two contracts: Cal Petersen and Pierre Luc DuBois. They should be hung around Blake’s neck like millstones, and he should personally write letters of apology to every season ticket holder (only mildly joking, there).

I want a reporter to ask him, and Luc Robataille, why they were the only two people in the entire NHL who didn’t see what DuBois has been showing the league since he was drafted: he has genuine talent, and he doesn’t use it. He coasts, he’s lazy, he’s selfish, he is — by all accounts — an absolute cancer in the locker room, he turns the puck over consistently, takes immature penalties away from the play, and drags down every single team he is part of.

None of this is a secret or should be a surprise. All you have to do is look at his numbers, take out the one season where he actually gave a shit, and have a very clear picture of a man who clearly does not care about playing in the NHL. If math doesn’t do it for you, talk to his former teams.

Rob Blake and Luc Robataille signed this guy for 8 years, taking up all the team’s cap space that was left after Rob Blake gave a 15 million dollar contract to Cal Petersen, who immediately unplugged his controller and will maybe play in the AHL, which is a shame. I really liked that guy and wanted him to succeed.

So at the deadline, when it’s painfully clear to everyone that the Kings need a goalie, they can’t do anything. Because this idiot tied up all the cap space with contracts that will take their place beside Lombardi’s curious choice to shovel money to Mike Richards when he had the opportunity to just release a clearly problematic player.

I sincerely do not understand how these guys can look at the same data that’s available to everyone, and somehow decide that it is actually the entire league and all of the former teammates of this cancerous boat anchor who are wrong; this is the guy who will step up to 1C and lead this team to playoff success.

The Kings are a decade away from the last time they were a genuinely competitive team. Kopitar and Doughty are legends, future hall of famers, and I love them. They are not top line, top minute players any more. That’s not on them, it’s just math, and they can still be valuable to this team in a different role. Put Kopi at 2C, move Doughty to the second pairing, and acknowledge that their amazing careers are nearing their end. Keep them in the room, on the bench, and providing leadership for Byfield, Anderson, Clarke, Thomas, and the rest. And go find and sign a fucking NHL goalie for fuck’s sake.

None of this will happen while the old boys club is in charge. These guys are just incompetent. They have nearly torn down all of the rebuilding work we have patiently endured for a decade, and they did it when we were within a year or so of actually accomplishing it. And why? It just doesn’t make sense. Why rush it when you’re so close?

I hope the entire organization cleans house from top to bottom. If that doesn’t happen, at the very least Rob Blake must be forced to answer for the damage he’s done to this team and its chances to be competitive.

I love this team and I love this sport. I love hockey dates with my favorite human. And I think I’m sitting out most of next year, because, win or lose, this team is just not entertaining. They are boring and frustrating to watch. I love Kopitar and Doughty. I can’t wait for the day their numbers are retired. But I am watching them struggle to keep up with the speed of the changing game, with no help from an overpaid, underachieving, turnover machine who doesn’t give a shit about his team. I watch them lead a power play that passes around the perimeter and shoots once, a rush that dumps the puck in for one shot, no rebound, a 1-3-1 that every other team in the league has solved, and I’m tired of it.

I will always be a fan of the team, but a night out to a hockey game isn’t cheap, and these guys aren’t earning it from me. As long as Rob Blake and Luc Robataille are in charge, the Kings will not be a serious organization.

If you’ve read this far, you probably know that my bracket is entirely blown up in both conferences (as anticipated), but I’m now pulling for the Stars, in memory of Stepto, and the Rangers, because Jonathan Quick.

If you’re a Kings fan, who do you want for head coach? How do you clean up Rob Blake’s mess?

Because nobody asked, here’s my 2024 Stanley Cup Playoffs bracket.

Because nobody asked, here’s my Stanley Cup Playoffs bracket.

Note this is not what I expect will happen, but what I want to happen because it would be fun.

Round 1 Western Conference:

Dallas Stars vs. Vegas Injured Reserve: Dallas in 5
Winnipeg Jets vs. Colorado Avalanche: Jets in 6
Vancouver Never Wins vs. Nashville Predators: Vancouver sweeps
Edmonton McDavids vs LA Kings: Kings in 7

Round 1 Eastern Conference:

Florida Panthers vs Tampa Bay Lightning: Florida in 5
Boston Bruins vs. Toronto Maple LOLs: Leafs in 7
New York Rangers vs Washington Capitals: Rangers sweep
Carolina Whalers vs. New York Islanders: Carolina in 6.

Round 2 Western Conference:

Dallas Stars vs. Winnipeg Jets: Winnipeg in 5
Vancouver Canucks vs LA Kings: Kings in 5

Round 2 Eastern Conference:

Florida Panthers vs Toronto Maple Leafs: Leafs sweep.
New York Rangers vs Carolina Hurricanes: Rangers in 5.

Western Conference Final:

Winnipeg Jets vs Los Angeles Kings: Kings in 5.

Eastern Conference Final:

Toronto Maple Leafs vs New York Rangers: Toronto ties it in the last minute of game 7 to force overtime, loses on an own-goal with 3 seconds left in the first overtime period.

Stanley Cup Final:

New York Rangers vs Los Angeles Kings: Kings in 6.

None of this will happen. But it sure would be fun if it did.

look what you made me do

If I cared any less about the NFL, it would take effort. I get that it’s massively popular, and for some of its fans, “I like football” is their entire personality. Good for them. Sincerely. It’s just not my thing.

But! I love and admire Taylor Swift, which is the only reason I know that the Chiefs ~~had some kind of huge comeback against Detroit and the~~y are going to the Superb Owl against a team I can’t remember and don’t need you to identify. (EDIT: whoops. I mixed up the two playoff games. I still don’t care.)

I still don’t care about the NFL or the game, but oh my god do I love love love love love how outraged and furious and unhinged all these toxic right wing idiots are about Taylor Swift and her boyfriend the football guy. I love it so hard. I love how it’s waking them up at night, I love how they’re just so goddamn angry about it they feel sick. I love how self-inflicted it all is, and how they keep punching themselves in the dick about it, howling with what they think is righteous outrage, but sounds an awful lot like a toddler having a tantrum.

But the thing I love more than anything, the absolute best part of all of it, is watching a political party, under the complete control of the weakest, most pathetic, tiny little man, discover a new and novel way to alienate millions of voters they desperately need, while they push away countless voters who may have been open to their message, if only it wasn’t … this. LOL.

Republicans have already made it crystal clear that they hate women and want to have absolute control over every single thing a woman does. Voters have responded to that with record turnout to codify laws that protect women, and to replace as many misogynist lawmakers as they can.

So please join me in a robust round of mocking applause for whoever made the choice to attack and vilify and attempt to terrorize the most popular and influential woman of her generation, who polls more favorably than their entire party and all of their candidates.

Just a huge, roaring, standing ovation for whoever decided that the party of angry, toxic, predatory, authoritarian men will *absolutely* increase their support among a demographic they can’t afford to lose by picking a fight with their Joan of Arc.

Outstanding work, gentlemen. I have never seen a group of people slam their dicks in the door so beautifully and successfully. I wish you all the worst as you stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror.

The April Reboot Check-In That Happened In April

It’s the last day of April, so check me out: I’m doing my reboot check in for April before April is over. Go me!

I had this epiphany at the beginning of September: This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.

So I took a long, hard, serious look at myself, and concluded that some things needed to change.

Drink less beer.
Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
Write more.
Watch more movies.
Get better sleep.
Eat better food.
Exercise more.

Last year, I decided to hit the reboot button on my life. I’ve checked in about once a month since then, to see how I’m doing, celebrate the victories, and identify where I can do better.

Let’s see how I’m doing after seven months.

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