Discovery Channel Owes Its Viewers An Apology

I love Shark Week, and every year since it started airing on Discovery Channel, I’ve planted myself in front of the television to watch every minute of it.

So last night, I tuned in to watch the first entry in this year’s sharkstravaganza: a documentary about one of the coolest megasharks ever, the prehistoric Megalodon. This thing was freaking huge, with teeth the size of an adult human’s hand, and it is very, very extinct. Discovery’s special started out with what appeared to be “found footage” of some people on a fishing boat that gets hit and sunk by something huge … and I immediately knew something was amiss. The “found footage” was shot the way a professional photographer shoots things, not the way a vacationer holds their video camera. There was no logical way the camera could survive the salt water for the footage to be found. The footage was alleged to have been found in April … but then it got so much worse: Discovery Channel started Shark Week with a completely fake, completely made-up, completely bullshit “documentary” and they lied to their audience about it. They presented it as real.

I turned the show off after about 15 minutes, and watched Breaking Bad on Netflix to get ready for that show’s final season. But I was having a hard time staying focused, because I was angry, and I couldn’t figure out why. Why bother getting upset about yet another stupid “found footage” fake documentary passed off as real? Isn’t that pretty much par for the course on cable these days?

And then I realized why I was (and am) so angry: I care about education. I care about science. I care about inspiring people to learn about the world and universe around us. Sharks are fascinating, and megalodon was an absolutely incredible creature! Discovery had a chance to get its audience thinking about what the oceans were like when megalodon roamed and hunted in them. It had a chance to even show what could possibly happen if there were something that large and predatory in the ocean today … but Discovery Channel did not do that. In a cynical ploy for ratings, the network deliberately lied to its audience and presented fiction as fact. Discovery Channel betrayed its audience.

An entire generation has grown up watching Discovery Channel, learning about science and biology and physics, and that generation trusts Discovery Channel. We tune into Discovery Channel programming with the reasonable expectation that whatever we’re going to watch will be informative and truthful. We can trust Discovery Channel to educate us and our children about the world around us! That’s why we watch it in the first place!

Last night, Discovery Channel betrayed that trust during its biggest viewing week of the year. Discovery Channel isn’t run by stupid people, and this was not some kind of mistake. Someone made a deliberate choice to present a work of fiction that is more suited for the SyFy channel as a truthful and factual documentary. That is disgusting, and whoever made that decision should be ashamed.

If this had happened on just about any other network, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But Discovery Channel is more than just disposable entertainment on cable television. Discovery Channel inspired an entire generation to “explore your world”, and it is trusted to be truthful. Discovery Channel says its mission is to satisfy curiosity and make a difference in people’s lives by providing the highest quality content, services and products that entertain, engage and enlighten. There is nothing high quality or enlightening about deliberately misleading your audience during what is historically an informative and awesome week of programming. At the very least, Discovery should have made it very clear at the beginning that this was a “What if?” work of complete fiction, presented in a documentary format. Throwing up a 5 second disclaimer at the end of the program just isn’t good enough.

Discovery Channel has a rare chance to apologize to its audience: this year, the network is running a live aftershow with guests from the night’s programming. Someone from the network should use this platform and opportunity to address the audience, apologize for deliberately misleading them, and recommit to providing the highest quality content this week, and every other week out of the year.

how I made tonight’s barbecued summer squash

I made really yummy squash on the barbecue/smoker tonight. Here’s how:

Get whatever summer squash you like. I love zucchini and the yellow squashes that sort of hook at the top and if you try to talk to them they look at you like you’re stupid because squash can’t talk, you idiot.

I wash them, then cut them more or less in half. I take each half and slice it, longwise, into four pieces. I pretend I can’t hear the horrible screams from the yellow squash when I do that.

Then I put them all in a shallow bowl or something, and toss them in a very tiny bit of olive oil. You can try tossing them in wimpy, but you won’t get them back until Tuesday, and by then you probably don’t want them.

Now the spices. This part is more art than science, so just use your best judgement and be careful not to overdo it.

I use some black pepper, pink Himalayan salt, and Trader Joe’s Everyday Seasoning, which is a grinder with mustard seed, coriander, sea salt, onion, garlic, paprika, and chili pepper. Grind all that stuff up together, and then toss it over your squash. When the yellow squash makes weird porny noises, just ignore it, unless you’re into that thing. Wash your hands when you’re finished, weirdo.

Spread the veggies all out on either the grill, or one of those veggie basket things. The important thing is that each piece of squash is touching the grill with its skin, so its seeds are looking back at you like “you monster we were going to be more plants!”

You want this to be over VERY HIGH HEAT initially, for about 4 or 5 minutes. After that, you can move them to another part of the grill for a little bit while the coals settle down. What you’re trying to do is get some of the skin to heat up a whole bunch and get blackened.

Let them sit on the grill for another few minutes, then turn them all over so the seeds are like wait this is much worse now we’re staring into the “fiery fires of the barbecue and oh god it is burning us into deliciousness!”

If you have wood chips (I use mesquite) throw them onto the coals now, and let the fires leap up and kiss the squash. Play some Barry White if it helps. After a minute — and no longer than a minute — close the lid of your barbecue, so it fills up with smoke. Now you’re going to smoke the squash for about six or seven or eight or whatever minutes. Play some Grateful Dead or Phish if it’ll get them into the mood.

Take the squash off the barbecue and give it a couple minutes to cool, because HOLY FUCK WILL IT BURN THE EVERLOVINGSHITCOCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON’T, which is how it gets its revenge on you.

Some people like the squash to be crunchy. I don’t, and I won’t judge those clearly insane people. If you know one of those mentally-challenged people, just have them reduce all the times by a minute or two, and then secretly laugh at them while you enjoy your cooked-to-perfection barbecued summer squash.

yeahYUH!

My very favourite Nerdist podcasts are the ones where Chris, Matt, and Jonah just sit around and talk about stuff. Every time I listen to them, I find myself talking back to the recording like I’m there, wanting very much to join into the conversation.

Anne is sick with a terrible sinus infection this weekend, so while she sleeps and tries not to feel like her head is in a vise at the bottom of the ocean, I’ve been doing dishes and putting shit away so it’s one less thing she has to deal with before we go to Chicago next week.*

I’ve been listening to Nerdist Podcast 386 while I clean up, and I feel like I’m hanging out with my friends. It’s really great, and worth listening to.

Side note: I’m incredibly proud of Chris, and so so so so so so happy that he’s as successful as he is. Every now and then some idiot tries to engage me in some sort of Geek & Sundry vs. Nerdist bullshit, and I always tell them, “You’ve got it all wrong. It isn’t Geek & Sundry vs. Nerdist. It’s Geek & Sundry and Nerdist vs. Lame Boring McMedia.” Then I tell them that they are a stupidhead before I put on my cowboy hat and hop into my Camaro, flipping them the bird while I drive away.

Anyway, go listen to these guys, and get inspired to do awesome things.

 

*PRO TIP: One of the keys to a healthy and joyful relationship is helping each other carry the burden of just existing together without ever being asked by the other.

a recording of my set from w00tstock 5.0

At this year’s w00tstock, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and did about 30 minutes of story-based standup comedy. It was really, really fun and the audience seemed to like it. Luckily for me, it was recorded by Alpha Geek Radio, so if you want to listen to it, now you can.

Please note that this is profoundly NSFW, and if you’re planning to come to any of the Wil Wheaton vs. Paul and Storm shows this fall (and want to be surprised) you shouldn’t listen to it.

because it’s the recliner my nephew deserves right now

When my sister found out she was having a boy, she and her husband decided not to tell anyone in the family what name they had chosen. I had to agree with this course of action, because I know how … strongly opinionated … some of the grandparents can be about things like names and also everything else in the world.

But I didn’t feel right just calling him “the baby” or “your baby” or “the tiny human growing inside your body”, so I decided to call him BATMAN.

Amy pointed out to me that if they named him BATMAN, she and her husband would probably end up shot behind a theater. I was pleased that she knew the history of The Dark Knight, especially since they are decidedly not nerds like me (they’re sports nerds), but had to correct her. “That would happen to you if his name was Bruce,” I said. “BATMAN is pure awesome and that’s what I’ll call him for his whole life.”

By wonderful coincidence, one of her friends got my nephew his very first easy chair for his 1st birthday last week:

batman_chair_ftw
His shirt was a birthday gift from his godparents (that’s me and Anne).

He’s probably watching the show with the creepy talking tractor who talks to farm animals, because that’s my nephew’s favourite show that isn’t creepy giant rats who sing and dance. Seriously, you guys, what the shit is going on with children’s programming? Are they trying to capture the Stoner/Burner/One-Year-Old market all at once or something?

No matter. He’ll be ready for Doctor Who and Star Trek and Firefly soon enough, hopefully before he outgrows his chair.