WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

how I made tonight’s barbecued summer squash

  • Food and Drink

I made really yummy squash on the barbecue/smoker tonight. Here’s how:

Get whatever summer squash you like. I love zucchini and the yellow squashes that sort of hook at the top and if you try to talk to them they look at you like you’re stupid because squash can’t talk, you idiot.

I wash them, then cut them more or less in half. I take each half and slice it, longwise, into four pieces. I pretend I can’t hear the horrible screams from the yellow squash when I do that.

Then I put them all in a shallow bowl or something, and toss them in a very tiny bit of olive oil. You can try tossing them in wimpy, but you won’t get them back until Tuesday, and by then you probably don’t want them.

Now the spices. This part is more art than science, so just use your best judgement and be careful not to overdo it.

I use some black pepper, pink Himalayan salt, and Trader Joe’s Everyday Seasoning, which is a grinder with mustard seed, coriander, sea salt, onion, garlic, paprika, and chili pepper. Grind all that stuff up together, and then toss it over your squash. When the yellow squash makes weird porny noises, just ignore it, unless you’re into that thing. Wash your hands when you’re finished, weirdo.

Spread the veggies all out on either the grill, or one of those veggie basket things. The important thing is that each piece of squash is touching the grill with its skin, so its seeds are looking back at you like “you monster we were going to be more plants!”

You want this to be over VERY HIGH HEAT initially, for about 4 or 5 minutes. After that, you can move them to another part of the grill for a little bit while the coals settle down. What you’re trying to do is get some of the skin to heat up a whole bunch and get blackened.

Let them sit on the grill for another few minutes, then turn them all over so the seeds are like wait this is much worse now we’re staring into the “fiery fires of the barbecue and oh god it is burning us into deliciousness!”

If you have wood chips (I use mesquite) throw them onto the coals now, and let the fires leap up and kiss the squash. Play some Barry White if it helps. After a minute — and no longer than a minute — close the lid of your barbecue, so it fills up with smoke. Now you’re going to smoke the squash for about six or seven or eight or whatever minutes. Play some Grateful Dead or Phish if it’ll get them into the mood.

Take the squash off the barbecue and give it a couple minutes to cool, because HOLY FUCK WILL IT BURN THE EVERLOVINGSHITCOCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON’T, which is how it gets its revenge on you.

Some people like the squash to be crunchy. I don’t, and I won’t judge those clearly insane people. If you know one of those mentally-challenged people, just have them reduce all the times by a minute or two, and then secretly laugh at them while you enjoy your cooked-to-perfection barbecued summer squash.

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • More
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)

Related

4 August, 2013 Wil

Post navigation

Discovery Channel Owes Its Viewers An Apology → ← yeahYUH!

21 thoughts on “how I made tonight’s barbecued summer squash”

  1. AstragaliUSA says:
    4 August, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    With that kind of recipe description, I think you could give Nigella Lawson a run for her money! (And thanks for taking the time to give us the recipe, too)

  2. Chris Plath says:
    4 August, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    You can also try ‘marinating’ long thin strips of squash, or it’s lesser cousin the zucchini, in soy sauce (if you like that sort of thing). Or any other type of either vinegary or salty solution you can think up. Good as a side dish or as a grilled brat/sausage/other tubular meat sandwich bun accompaniment.

  3. mseclectica says:
    4 August, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Best recipe ever. Can we please have a Geek & Sundry cooking show where you describe the preparation of foods as though you are making awkward, but sweet, passionate love to them?

  4. Rod Kavanagh says:
    4 August, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Best time of the year for those grilled veggies. Two suggestions: first, how about some grilled pineapple for dessert… and second… dang, I forgot. You made me too damn hungry!

  5. Susan Brown says:
    4 August, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Sounds yummy, although it’s hard to beat Steven Weinberg’s anhydrous zucchini recipe.

  6. sick_of_dreams says:
    4 August, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Oh nomnomnom zucchini… Will definitely try this. Also brilliant descriptions by the way.

  7. KenLG says:
    4 August, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    As a member of the Moderately Squishy Squash Party, I object to your insulting tone and your publishing of instructions allowing those of the more radical Fully Squishy Squash Party (read: fanatics) to potentially create even more squishy squash! The nerve!

    Ken Not-So-Squishy
    Member, Moderately Squishy Squash Party
    P: Englewood 3-242
    M: 3rd Mailbox, 25th Post, Old Squashery Road, Small Creek, Oklahoma Territory

  8. Mel Schmidt says:
    4 August, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    This was about the best cooking lesson on how to cook the perfect squash. Going to have to do that next time we go out camping. 😛

  9. Michelle J D says:
    4 August, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    I am DEFINITELY doing this for my birthday barbecue next week. SQUEE! Will be serving that up with a rack of slow-smoked ribs and a bottle of Stone Farking Wheaton w00tstout. Very excited.

    Thanks, Wil… I owe half of my birthday dinner to you now. 😀

  10. Thiefree says:
    5 August, 2013 at 3:05 am

    Oh my gosh, you sound like the Bloggess today!

  11. Eurydc says:
    5 August, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Interesting. I’ve grilled Zucchini before but usually in a mix with other veggies. I’m not a yellow squash fan, but your descriptions made me ROFL. I love the idea of smoking it – I will definitely have to try this out!

    And I think everlovingshitcock needs to be worked into the English language more often.

  12. Lisa Semple says:
    5 August, 2013 at 5:56 am

    +10 for the Popeye reference. And now I think I need to pick up some zucchini next time I’m at the store.

  13. Steve Johansson says:
    5 August, 2013 at 6:17 am

    All recipes should be described like this. Glad you learned the value of washing your hands after handling spices. Ahem.

  14. ShanGFielding says:
    5 August, 2013 at 6:37 am

    (Slow clap) Brovo! You’ve managed to entertain the hell out of me, while making me want to run out and buy squash. Well done, Mr. Wheaton. But remember, that kind of power must always be used for good.

  15. Heather G Lee says:
    5 August, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Have you been reading Thug Kitchen again? LMBO!

  16. oakstave says:
    5 August, 2013 at 9:09 am

    We just grew a huge zucchini in the garden, and now I know it’s fate.

    Thanks for the unexpected recipe!

  17. Brian Greenberg says:
    5 August, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Recipies described from the point of view of the food? Ohmigod, what a great idea. You asked earlier about “would I buy such-and-such book?” This is a cookbook I would definitely pay money for. Seriously…

    Let me put it this way: my wife and I keep a kosher home, but after reading what the squash thinks of the grill, I’m curious how you prepare lobster. 😀

  18. Freeman McGlothlin says:
    5 August, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Here in Louisiana the spice of choice is Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning. Can’t be beat. Will have to try it on squash.

  19. Annie VanderMeer Mitsoda says:
    6 August, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Holy cow that sounds crazy delicious. And that is a yellow crookneck squash you are describing! And I am growing some in my backyard RIGHT NOW! And man I need to get me a BBQ so I can make this, because wow I want to eat some at this moment, and I can’t, because I don’t have a BBQ. Also I’m at work, but whatever. STILL!

  20. Jason Akers says:
    7 August, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Wil – Do you grow your own squash? Zuchinni puts on crazy growth!

  21. Jennifer L. Hensley says:
    7 August, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    After reading this post, I’m convinced you need to do at least one cooking show with Alton Brown. He’d give you that Alton Brown what-are-you-doing-you-manic stare…

Comments are closed.

Related Posts

I think it’s time for a reboot check-in

I had decided that I wasn’t going to do these after a year, but since I’m still committed to the changes I made a little over a year ago, and […]

A Recipe for Reasonably Good Beef Stew

Months ago, I got it into my head that I should make stew in the slow cooker. Before we go any further, I should tell you that I am, generally […]

Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies with Coconut Oil and Cacao Nibs

I don’t have any vices (coffee is a fundamental building block of life, and I will cut you I swear to god), and I’ve never had a sweet tooth. But […]

if coffee then coffee do coffee more coffee else coffee

Since I’m not drinking this year, I haven’t been making beer. But I still like to make food things, so I’ve been teaching myself how to bake bread and roast […]

Recent Posts

Update on A Study of The Limits To The Acquisition of Polyhedral Gaming Dice By a Single Individual Over Time.

Update on A Study of The Limits To The Acquisition of Polyhedral Gaming Dice By a Single Individual Over Time.

Since the project began, I estimate I have collected a few thousand dice. Maybe around five thousand? I haven't looked too closely because this is one of those very scientific studies that are [...]

More Info
there is no middle

there is no middle

You’re with the fascists and terrorists, or you are with the rest of us. There is no middle. There is no “both sides”. One side wants as much death and terror on the streets as possible. The [...]

More Info
“i just want to be the person i needed when i was her age”

“i just want to be the person i needed when i was her age”

Being cruel is so boring. It’s lazy. Anyone can be cruel. It takes real, hard work to be kind.

More Info

rock at your own risk

This weekend, we flew to Vegas for about 30 hours, to celebrate our friend’s 50th birthday. We’ve been doing this basic trip to Vegas and back since we were in […]

More Info

 

  • Instagram
  • Facebook

Member of The Internet Defense League

Creative Commons License
WIL WHEATON dot NET by Wil Wheaton is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://wilwheaton.net.

Search my blog

Powered by WordPress | theme SG Double