WIL WHEATON dot NET

Today, I spent a lot of time in the hot garage, working on Operation Get The Bullshit Out Of The Garage.

While I was in there, I found a lot of things things I just don’t need and can’t believe I’ve held onto for so many years. I may have lamented that I would probably qualify as a hoarder, if those goddamn TV Hoarders hadn’t wrecked the curve.

But I did find a few things that are wonderful, and would make for a nice charity auction. I also found a dented ping pong ball, but more on that in a minute.

The first thing I came across was this old DVD copy of Stand By Me.

I thought that it might be cool to autograph this and auction it on eBay, giving all the money to the Pasadena Humane Society, via our Wiggle Waggle Walk team (which is cleverly named Team Wheaton).

So I went ahead and did that. I set the minimum bid at $20, and went back to the garage, hoping that it would maybe get up to $100 in three days.

While cleaning out my garage to make room for my homebrewing and tabletop gaming supplies, I came across this old DVD of Stand By Me. There’s nothing special about it, except that it comes from my personal collection, and it lived in my garage for a few years. I mean, it’s probably seen some things, man.

It’s in perfect condition (it was in a sealed box with some books), and I will personally autograph it to the winning bidder.

All the money I receive from this auction will be given to my Wiggle Waggle Walk team, to support the Pasadena Humane Society.

For information on the Wiggle Waggle Walk, you can see my page here

For confirmation that this is legit and not a scam, here’s the post I made on Twitter announcing this auction.

Um. About that. It’s currently at $625.

That’s pretty awesome, and I’m really excited that someone is going to get us that much closer to our fundraising goal. I’m also going to throw in a signed copy of Different Seasons from the mid-80s, which features Stand By Me on the cover.

Now, about that ping pong ball.

It’s best to experience that by looking at the original post I made on Twitter about it. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Oh! Wait! I can embed the tweet! Neat! Check it out:

File under: Less Cool Things I Find While Cleaning Out The Garage. twitter.com/wilw/status/24…

— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) September 9, 2012

So anyway, when I announced the DVD auction, a bunch of people — like, a huge bunch of people — asked for me to auction off the ping pong ball.

So I set that auction up, too. The only probablem was, the DVD took me past my monthly limit of $500, so I had to confirm or verify or whatever myself to get my selling limit increased. The call went something like this:

Me: Hi, I need to increase my limit.

eBay Rep: Sure. Why?

Me: Because the DVD I auctioned went for over 500 dollars and I now I can’t auction off this dented ping pong ball.

eBay Rep: …

Me: Yeah.

eBay Rep: Well, let me ask you a whole bunch of questions that you can’t repeat on the Internet because holy shit would that make it easy to steal your identity.

Me: Do your worst, lady.

Then, after questions, answers, and some delightful hold music :

eBay Rep: Okay, you’ve been verified and now you can sell up to $3500 a month.

Me: DUDE THAT IS SO MANY DENTED PING PONG BALLS.

eBay Rep: I’m going to hang up now.

Please note that the call may not have gone precisely like that.

So I put up the auction, which looks something like this:

A crappy dented ping pong ball I found in my garage and made popular on twitter

This beautiful ping pong ball is almost completely caved in on one side, providing an exquisite, built-in stand to properly display the smaller dent that runs across the other side.

This particular ping pong ball, named Silas, was used in many games of ping pong. It also delighted no less than two cats when dropped on a hardwood floor. Silas was the one ping pong ball in the box that all the other balls made fun of, because he had a name they didn’t understand and he liked to read books instead of going to parties — what the hell is wrong with those other balls? Not everybody likes to go to parties, okay, mom? Maybe I just want to sit in my room and read the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy and maybe look at some dirty pictures on the internet when I’m done. GOSH!

But now the joke is on the other balls in the box, because nobody remembers them or even cares where they are, and now Silas is Internet Famous for, like, maybe two whole days.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: THIS PING PONG BALL WILL NOT OPERATE IN A GAME OF PING PONG. THIS BALL WILL NOT BOUNCE OR RESPOND TO A PADDLE IN THE USUAL MANNER.

This ping pong ball is probably worth less than the cost of shipping. You will probably laugh a gerat deal when you place your bid, but will likely have the worst case of buyer’s remorse since that one celebrity wedding. Yeah, that’s the one I’m talking about. You’re probably going to feel like that, without all the attention and free drinks that come between the closing of the deal, and the overwhelming regret.

HOWEVER. This ping pong ball will be placed into a lovely padded envelope, perfectly suitable for opening, and it will be shipped to the buyer’s address with my compliments. You will open it, and you will probably say to yourself, “Well, crap. Now I have this stupid ping pong ball that I have to deal with. I suppose I’ll build an expensive display case to show it off at dinner parties.” And then you’ll invest lots of time and money to get that display case, money which could have been spent on whisky or many yards of colorful ribbons to braid together into a whimsical belt. Also, you need to learn to juggle, because it’s a useful skill that doesn’t impress many people, but WOAH is it satisfying when you throw torches around and don’t catch yourself on fire.

ANOTHER IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JUGGLE TORCHES UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED BY A PROFESSIONAL JUGGLER. A PROFESSIONAL JUGGLER CAN BE IDENTIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING:

Is wearing a jaunty hat, of many colors.

Asks you for money.

Arrives and departs on a unicycle.

Is profoundly offended by this list.

ALL OTHER SO-CALLED JUGGLERS ARE MERELY ENTHUSIASTS, NOT PROFESSIONALS. DO NOT TRUST THEIR TRAINING.

Now, back to the truly important thing, here: All money raised in this auction will be donated to the Pasadena Humane Society’s Wiggle Waggle Walk, specifically to Team Wheaton.

Shipping is free, because it seems silly for you to pay more in shipping than Silas is worth. But don’t tell him I said that, or his feelings will be hurt, and Silas has suffered enough. Please give him a good home. Think of the children.