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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

I’m selling some autographed books next week

Posted on 3 November, 2011 By Wil

Anne and I unloaded a lot of stuff from storage last week, and I discovered that I have a lot of books that probably want to find a new home.

So this is just a heads up: next week, I'm going to offer signed copies of the Games Matter chapbook I made for PAX this year (I have about 40 copies) and 50 copies of the sold out Subterranean Press edition of The Happiest Days of Our Lives. They'll be available on a first come, first served basis. I'll give about 24 hours advance notice so you'll know when I plan to push the Big Red Button.

I'm also working on putting both of those books into the Kindle store, as well as getting all of my eBooks into the Nook store. (BARNES & NOBLE Y U NO MAKE IT AS EASY TO PUBLISH IN NOOK STORE AS AMAZON DOES IN KINDLE STORE?)

I found out last week that Lulu took all audiobooks out of my store (they're only doing books, now, sadly), so at the moment, there's no (legal, support-my-work) way to get them. I'm working on fixing that, too, and hopefully next week will find them available once again.

Yesterday, I turned in the first draft of [AWESOME PROJECT I LOVE AND CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT], and now I'm going to reward myself by brewing a batch of Stone Pale Ale using the recipe in the Craft of Stone Brewing Co book.

Just in time for Halloween: the animated Dark Dungeons

Posted on 31 October, 2011 By Wil

If you're of a certain age, you may remember the infamous Jack Chick tract Dark Dungeons. For those of you who don't, here's the tl;dr from the Escapist:

Dark Dungeons is possibly the most widely distributed piece of anti-game propaganda in the history of gaming. It was first produced by Chick Publications in 1984, during the heyday of anti-RPG paranoia, and print copies were available on request from Chick as recently as the mid-90s. Chick Publications, headed by reclusive comic author Jack T. Chick, also brings us booklets on the evils of everything from Catholicism and Buddhism to Halloween and reincarnation.  Chick takes no prisoners, and isn't interested in playing nicely; they'd much rather convert you to their narrow world view, and possibly get you to sprinkle the world liberally with more of their pamphlets. 

Dark Dungeons touches many of the bases of mid-80s anti-RPG paranoia. Most of the cliches and urban legends are here; the dark, seductive lady who acts as DM for a group of younger players, the gamers who identify far too much with their characters and become deeply troubled when a character dies, the "real spells" contained in the books, the obsessive playing at the cost of a healthy social or spiritual life, the eventual induction into a witches coven, and of course, the inevitable suicide. About the only legends they miss are drugs, rape, murder, and lead figures that scream when you throw them into the fire. But to be fair, you can only give so much story in 21 pages.

Now, for all of us… an animated adaptation from the mad geniuses at Boolean Union Studios that will amuse and delight you!

Part one:

Part two:

(via my friend Ariana, who has a fantastic story about how Dark Dungeons affected her life on her G+ thingy.)

in other words…

Posted on 24 October, 2011 By Wil

Marketing email I just got: "Do you ever wonder which apps influencers (like yourself), celebrities, or Jersey Shore castmates have on their phones?"

My response:

 

Recipe time: Wil’s Sinusitis Can Suck It Vegetable Soup

Posted on 20 October, 2011 By Wil

I managed to go eighteen whole months without getting sick, but sometime in the last week or so, something worked its way into my sinuses, and it's been kicking my ass for the last 48 hours.

For most of the last week, I've been waking up in the morning with an intensely sore throat and painful, burning sinuses. I've been coughing and sneezing like crazy, so I figured it was just allergies (If it pollinates, I'm allergic to it. Yay), and dealt with it accordingly.

Clever girl, sinusitis. You had me fooled… but you gave yourself away yesterday with the heavy chest, body aches, and the general fatigue, and now I can fight back! Muwahahaha!!!1 *cough* *cough* *cough* *Krusty The Clown Groan*

Last night, I was so miserable, I just wanted some nice, warm comfort food. Even though I don't eat meat, I gave serious consideration to chicken noodle soup, but I ended up making a hearty vegetable soup instead. Anne loved it, and some friends asked for the recipe, so here it is. I got everything at Trader Joe's:

Wil's Sinusitis Can Suck It Vegetable Soup

  • 3 cups tomato juice
  • 2 cups water
  • 1 can chopped tomatoes, or 4 chopped fresh tomatoes (save as much of the juice as you can)
  • 4 or 5 carrots
  • 3 or 4 medium potatoes (I used the red, gold, and purple medley) 
  • 1 medium zucchini
  • 1 medium yellow squash
  • 4 or 5 stalks of celery (I used celery hearts)
  • 1 medium yellow onion
  • 4 large cloves of garlic
  • 1 tablespoon Bragg's Liquid Aminos (Soy or Tamari sauce also works)
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon thyme

I prefer to use organic vegetables, or at least vegetables that haven't been grown using any pesticides, but as Rick Ross said, do watcha like.

Wash all the vegetables. Slice the zucchini and squash. Slice the potatoes, then quarter the slices. Chop the onion, celery, and carrots. Peel and mince the garlic.

Heat a bit of olive oil in a stock pot or large (~4qt) sauce pan. SauteƩ the carrots, onions and garlic until the onions are translucent and the carrots are bright orange, about 2 or 3 minutes. Be careful that you don't let the heat get too high and burn the oil. Add the potatoes and stir. About a minute later, pour in the tomato juice and water, and turn the heat to maximum. Add all the veggies and spices. Stir like a boss. If the veggies aren't covered, you can add a little more tomato juice.

Bring it all to a boil, then reduce to a simmer and cover. Cook for about 30 minutes, then let cool, uncovered, for about 10 minutes (unless you're into burning the hell out of your mouth. I don't judge.)

Serve with some crusty bread (I got a nice artisan boule of sourdough, but I bet it would be great with some spent-grain bread).

Note: You can add other veggies if you want, just make sure you increase the liquid to account for the extra stuff. I considered kidney and garbanzo beans, and I bet you could toss some cauliflower or broccoli florets in there, too, if that was your thing.

Flash Fiction: The Monster In My Closet

Posted on 17 October, 2011 By Wil

About two hours ago, I thought to myself, "'There's a monster in my closet' would be a neat way to start out one of those scary short stories I loved to read when I was in middle school."

I wrote it down, then wrote a little more and a little more. Right around the time I realized I had no idea how it ended, the ending tapped me on the shoulder and said "boo!"

I've never done this before, but I thought it would be cool to publish it here without the usual editorial and rewrites I do on everything, because the idea of conceiving, writing, and releasing a short story in just a couple of hours is intriguing to me.

Added on 10/19: I made free-free and DRM-free ePub and Kindle versions of this story. You can get them at my virtual bookshelf if you like.

So, without any further introduction, here is my scary short story that I hope 12 year-old me would enjoy…

The Monster In My Closet

by Wil Wheaton

There is a monster in my closet. It’s standing in there behind my clothes, and it wants to come out. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know how it got in there, but I know that it’s been there for a long time, waiting.

Mum and dad don’t believe in monsters (and until yesterday, neither did I), but during dinner tonight, I had to tell them.

ā€œA monster,ā€ dad said, wiping mashed potatoes off his beard. ā€œLike, with claws and fangs? That kind of monster?ā€

ā€œI haven’t actually seen it,ā€ I said, ā€œbut I know it’s there.ā€

ā€œHow can you know it’s there if you haven’t seen it?ā€ Mum asked.

ā€œIt’s likeā€¦ā€ I thought for a moment. ā€œIt’s like when it’s cloudy, and you can’t see the moon, but it sort of glows behind the clouds, so you know it’s there.ā€

ā€œSo your closet was glowing, eh?ā€ Dad said.

I shook my head. I could tell that they thought I was making the whole thing up. ā€œNo, dad,ā€ I said, ā€œbut I could feel it in there, and –ā€

ā€œAnd what?ā€ He said.

ā€œAnd if it comes out,ā€ I said, carefully, ā€œIt’s going to kill us.ā€

ā€œWell, I should expect so,ā€ dad said. ā€œMonsters are usually very serious about that sort of thing.ā€

Mum scowled at him. ā€œRichard! Don’t make fun.ā€

Then she looked back at me and said, ā€œyou can have a night light in your room to keep the monster away.ā€

ā€œAnd keep your closet door shut,ā€ dad said, gravely, ā€œeveryone knows that monsters can’t open doors.ā€

ā€œBut –ā€

ā€œBut nothing. Now stop all this chattering and eat your peas before they get cold,ā€ mum said.

I’m trying to deal with a monster, and all mum cares about is me eating my peas. Typical parents.

They walked me into my room when it was time for bed. Dad made a big production of opening the closet and looking inside. ā€œWell, it looks like we scared it off,ā€ he said. He didn’t notice that the lid of my toy chest was lifted up slightly, and I didn’t bother telling him. He pushed the door and it shut with a click. He shook the knob and pantomimed looping a chain around it that he secured with a pantomimed pad lock. He swallowed a pantomime key and rubbed his belly.

Mum brought in one of my old night lights, the one with the blue pony on it, and plugged it into the wall next to the bed. ā€œThere, sweetheart,ā€ she said as she turned it on, ā€œlet’s just leave this on tonight.ā€

She kissed me goodnight. Then dad kissed me on my forehead.

ā€œThere’s a good girl,ā€ he said, ā€œsleep tight! Don’t let the monsters bite!ā€

ā€œRichard!ā€ Mum smacked him on his arm. ā€œSorry, sweetie, he’s just having a bit of fun.ā€

ā€œGood night, mum,ā€ I said. I tried not to frown too much at dad.

I heard them talking as they walked down the stairs.. ā€œShe just has a wonderful imagination, doesn’t she?ā€ Mum said.

ā€œShe’s a dreamer, that’s for sure,ā€ dad said. I heard ice clink into glasses, then, a moment later,  the creak of their armchairs as they sat down to watch television. 

I was starting to fall asleep when I heard it.

ā€œPsssst.ā€ 

I thought that maybe I was dreaming, but I pulled the covers up to my neck, as tightly as I could, and listened. 

ā€œPsssst.ā€ 

It came from the closet. ā€œPsssst. Hey, kid. Come and open the door, hey?ā€

I felt my eyes widen, as a chill ran down my spine.

ā€œCome on, kid, I won’t hurt ya, I just want to get out of here. Open the door and I’ll be on my way.ā€

The voice — its voice — was gruff, but not as gruff as I thought it would be.

ā€œNo,ā€ I said in a small voice, barely a whisper. ā€œYou… you just stay in there.ā€

The handle shook a bit, and I screamed. Mum and dad were in the room before I knew it.

ā€œIt’s in there!ā€ I cried, ā€œit’s in there and it told me to open the door and let it out!ā€

They looked at each other. Mum walked across the room to me and sat down on the edge of my bed. ā€œThere, there, sweetie,ā€ she said, ā€œyou just had a bad dream is all.

ā€œRichard, open the door and show her that there’s nothing inside but clothes and toys.ā€

ā€œNo! Dad! Don’t open it!ā€ I practically screamed.

ā€œFear not, my petal,ā€ he said, gallantly, ā€œAny monsters inside this closet will get the thrashing of their lives!ā€ He walked to the closet and knocked on the door. ā€œAnyone in there? Hmm?ā€

He winked at me and shadow boxed the air in front of him.

ā€œRichard, stoppit and just open the door. She’s had an awful fright.ā€

ā€œDaddy, don’t do it,ā€ I said, suddenly feeling like I was seven years-old again. ā€œPlease.ā€

He smiled and said, ā€œit’s all right, sweetheart. Daddy’s just going to show you that there’s nothing to be afraid of, and then we can all go back to sleep.ā€

Mum squeezed my hand. An audience laughed on the television downstairs. Dad turned the handle on the closet door and opened it. ā€œNow, see? There’s nothing to–ā€

The monster was covered in dark scales, like a lizard. Its eyes were jet black, but reflected something red in their centers. It grabbed my dad by his shoulders and bit into his neck with long, sharp, white teeth.

Dad screamed and struggled against it. Clawed hands held onto him and a spray of blood shot across the back of the closet door, black and shiny in the dim light.

It slurped and gurgled and crunched, and in a few seconds, dad stopped moving. I realized that my mum hadn’t made a sound, but had let go of my hand.

She stood up, and walked toward the monster. It dropped my dad’s body to the floor and grinned at her, dad’s blood dripping off of its teeth and running down its chest. They stood over my dad’s body and embraced.

ā€œI’ve missed you, darling,ā€ the monster said to my mum.

ā€œI missed you, too, my sweet,ā€ she said, in the same gruff voice.

ā€œMu– mum?ā€ I said. She ignored me.

ā€œI would have come sooner, but you know that we can’t open them from the inside,ā€ the monster said.

ā€œEveryone knows that!ā€ Mum said, and they laughed together. She turned to face me. Her skin was starting to crack on her face, revealing dark grey scales beneath it. Her eyes were turning black, reflecting something red in their centers.

ā€œCome on over here and give us a hug,ā€ she said, as sharp white fangs pushed her teeth out of her mouth and onto the floor where they bounced around like marbles. ā€œCome and be mommy’s little monster!ā€

ā€œWHAT IS HAPPENING?ā€ I screamed.

ā€œStop that horrid racket and say hello to your dad — your real dad,ā€ she said.

I reached around for something, anything, to use as a weapon to protect myself. When I stretched out for the lamp on my night stand, the skin on my arm cracked and split open. There were grey scales underneath it. 

ā€œOh no. No no no no no,ā€ I said.

I reached up to touch my face, and pulled the soft pink flesh away. I felt the rough scales underneath.

ā€œWhat’s happening to me?!ā€

I looked at my mum.

I looked at my dad.

I looked at the body on the floor.

I realized that I was ever so hungry, and my food was getting cold.

I got out of bed and joined my family for dinner.

—

Copyright 2011 Wil Wheaton. 

Creative Commons License
The Monster In My Closet by Wil Wheaton is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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