I had two different auditions for games last week, where I got to do wildly different characters and voices. One is for a project that had **CONFIDENTIAL** stamped all over it, so I probably shouldn’t reveal its name, and the other was for a 3rd person Shooter from the Predator universe.
Around 2000 or 2001, when I was constantly failing in on camera auditions, I had this sense of “do or die” about them. I desperately wanted to book jobs so I could work and Prove To Everyone That Quitting Star Trek Wasn’t A Mistake (that’ll make sense when you read Just A Geek), not so I could be part of something cool. It’s completely different now.
I’ve had a few of these game auditions recently, and I always wonder if I’m the only actor who is also a Gamer, and if I’m the only person who’s looking at it as more than just a job. I mean, when I read for Twisted Metal, and when I read for this Project That Must Not Be Named, Precious, I had to take a moment, breathe deeply, and calm myself down so I could focus and do a good job.
Speaking of focusing and doing a good job . . . I haven’t been all that inspired lately. I haven’t been able to find that . . . thing . . . that makes me feel good and satisfied wen I write in my weblog. I thought I was focused on training for the marathon, then I thought I was burnt out from the Just A Geek rewrite, then I thought maybe I was just sort of burnt out in general, or lazy . . . but I spent some time soul-searching late last night, and I think I know what’s going on.
Everyone else in the family had gone to sleep, and it was past midnight. I just wasn’t able to sleep, so I sat on the couch and tried to read . . . but I couldn’t focus. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was avoiding the real reason that I haven’t been interested in weblogging, so I put down my book, and faced it. I turned off the light, opened the window over my head, and sat there, in the green glow of my ambient orb, and listened to the crickets in my back yard. I let my mind drift, and the answer came to me.
Why am I sort of creatively paralyzed right now?
I’m scared.
There it was. I’m scared.
Just A Geek has been completely out of my hands for a few weeks. I don’t have any more control over it, and I just have to wait for it to come out. It’s very much like watching your child walk into their first day of Kindergarten, and hoping that he doesn’t hurt himself on the playground, or disrupt the class, or get hurt by another kid . . . you spend the entire day worrying about all the things that can go wrong, because you can’t protect or guide your baby any more.
I remember this with Nolan, and how worried Anne and I were on his first day. We were fully prepared to walk him to the class room, but as soon as we pulled up in front of the school, he grabbed his backpack (I think it was Power Rangers), unbuckled his seatbelt, and jumped out of the car.
“I love you, Mom,” he said, and started to walk down the sidewalk.
Anne and I looked at each other.
“Let him go,” I said.
“I love you too, Pookie,” she said. “See you after school.”
“Okay. Bye.”
And that was it. He was so confident, and so ready to go . . . it took us both completely by surprise. We went out to breakfast together, and hardly touched our food. We were both worried about everything that could go wrong, and even though Anne had already done this with Ryan, it was the first time for me . . . I was a wreck.
When we picked Nolan up, we talked to his teacher, and found out that he had behaved himself pretty well during the day. He didn’t like sitting in one place on the rug, but that was it. (I couldn’t blame him, but I kept that to myself.)
I wish I could just have faith that my book will handle its first days in school as well as Nolan did . . . but I haven’t been able to just let it walk down the sidewalk, and hope for the best. Maybe now that I’ve faced it, its power over me will evaporate, and I’ll be able to find the same excitement that I felt with Dancing Barefoot.
Yeah. That’s what I need to do, because to focus on the Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt (heh) is to ignore the Hope, Excitement, and Joy. It’s like being so afraid of crashing, I forget to enjoy the ride.

I’m was going to write about some auditions and crap . . . but I think I’m going to brag about my stepkids instead.
So there. :p
Ryan had this very complicated geometry project that was due last week. He had to take a set of shapes, solids, and whatnot, draw blueprints using them, and turn them into something “architectural.”
All year long, he’s worked with various groups on different projects for different classes, and he’s always ended up getting screwed by lazy kids who don’t pull their weight, so he asked his teacher if he could do this project on his own. The teacher told him that it was a very complicated and difficult project, but Ryan assured him that he knew, and it wouldn’t be a problem.
Over a few weeks, Ryan worked his ass off on this project, and he ended up with this amazing, functional, Art Deco lamp. My brother-in-law helped him use nifty tools that I don’t have to build it. (I’m not one of those “toolbench” dads . . . which is sad, I know, but I’m a “gamer” dad instead. Some dads have bags of nails, I have bags of dice.) It’s so cool, we’re actually using it in our house.
He got the highest grade in his class, and the highest grade across all the classes this teacher teaches. The group he pulled out of got the absolute lowest grade . . . pretty much the inverse of Ryan’s.
Rock.
Nolan had a creative writing workshop for his Humanities class (the same class I spoke to a few weeks ago) that accounted for a HUGE part of his grade. Normally, Nolan isn’t all that interested in writing, but he got very excited about this project. He worked on it before and after school, and read me his daily progress. It’s funny, and it’s got a fantastic narrataive thread that is very impressive, even if he wasn’t in 7th grade. I know that I’m not the most objective person in the world on this particular story, but I think it’s really awesome.
Apparently, his teacher thought it was awesome too, because he got 50/50 on the project, and his story was selected to be included in a “Best of” collection of work from the workshop.
Rock again.
My guys RULE!

Bandai is releasing an Aqualad action figure later this year!!
As I’ve said many times before, I am intensely proud of my work on Titans, and I’m thrilled to be part of the cast. To be immortalized as another action figure — and such a cool one, too — is really awesome.
I wonder if, when they translate the show into other languages, the actors who voice Aqualad will have the same thrill that I do?
(Thanks to Fellow Geek Brian, who e-mailed me the link!)

We did it!
Anne will have a full report just as soon as she has time to write it, but here are my results:
Out of 17420 entrants, I finished 15490. My chip time was 7:14:58. It would have been much faster, but we figure that we lost almost 25 minutes waiting for the port-a-potties in the first 12 miles. Next time, I’m just going behind a bush.
I don’t want to say too much more, and steal Anne’s thunder, so I’ll just say that something clicked in my brain this weekend, (it was probably listening to John Bingham) and I want to be A Runner. I’m trying to talk my dad into running the San Diego marathon with me next year.

I talk about this in more depth in Just A Geek, but for years I lived with a very profound sense of shame. The huge acting career that I’d hoped for when I left Star Trek never happened, and as I grew through my twenties, I realized just what an epic asshole I’d been throughout my teenage years. Regret was a constant companion, and it was very hard for me to face friends and family, because I felt like I’d let everyone down.
Of course, that wasn’t the case. I had most certainly let myself down, but to the people who loved me, how I was doing in my career was unimportant. It took me several years to get over myself, (to follow that process in every excruciating detail, just go back to the beginning of WWdN’s archives, and start reading) but once I finally did, I realized how many years I just . . . wasted.
So last week, I called my mom. I’ve talked with her before about my feelings of disappointment, shame and regret, and I recalled that conversation.
“So now that I’m over all of that, I feel good, and happy, and at peace with my life and career . . .”
“It’s good that I can separate my life and my career. There’s a lesson I wish I’d learned ten years ago.” I thought.
” . . . and I realize how much I miss seeing you and dad,” I said. “I’d like to make an effort to do more things together.”
“We’d like that,” she said.
“So could we plan on getting together at least twice a month for dinner, or something?”
“Sure! Just give us a call.”
“Okay, I will. I love you, mom.”
“I love you too, Willow.”
Tuesday night, Anne and I realized that we’d both be up near my parents’ house on Thursday, so I called my mom and asked her if we could bring the kids up for dinner.
“I’ll bring everything to make grilled teriyaki chicken sandwiches!” I said.
“That would be wonderful. I’ll make a salad, and I’ll even warm up the pool,” she said. Then, sotto voce: “Don’t tell your father.”
I giggled. “Okay. We’ll see you Thursday!”
So last night, Ryan and I were in my mom and dad’s kitchen, preparing dinner, when my sister came downstairs.
“Are you eating with us?” I said, as I pounded a chicken breast.
“Yeah,” she said.
“I didn’t realize you were going to be joining us,” I said, “so I only bought one package of sandwich buns.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” she said, “I can’t eat chicken anyway.”
“I got her a steak,” my mom said, from the dining room.
“Would you like me to save you some teriyaki sauce and some pineapple, so you can have teriyaki steak?” I asked her.
“I don’t know if I want to make filet mignon into teriyaki steak,” my sister said.
“Filet mignon?!” Ryan said, and turned to me. “Wil, I don’t eat chicken either.”
We all laughed.
“Just kidding,” he said, ” . . . or am I?”
I turned to my mom. “I’m so glad we came up tonight.”
“Me too,” she said.