WIL WHEATON dot NET

Cities in Dust

I am so damn handy. Today, I replaced a messed up sensor light which hangs on my garage. Turned the power off and everything. Then I replaced a fixture in the kitchen, and turned my sights on this area under the kitchen window where nothing will grow.
I “planted” 30 pounds of black river stones over the dirt, until I can think of something better to put there.
I was so damn handy around the house, I told my wife to turn on the porno music, because I was comin’ inside, “to get a drink”.
Well, it’s all true except that last part. I wasn’t coming in for a drink! Oh yeah! Yeah baby! Woo!!
Wait. Wait.
That’s not true, either. I came in for a sandwich, and then we went back to Home Despot for more hardware and stuff.
See, the thing is, we’ve lived in our house for 2 years, and we haven’t taken care of any of the things we said we’d take care of when we moved in: the lawn still looks like shit, the ugly wood paneling is still on the walls in the living room and family room, and the ugly brass lamp hangs over the dining room table.
But all of that is about to change. Thanks to the sense of empowerment we got today when I hung that damn light fixture, all by my self, in my big-boy pants, Anne and I have made…A List(tm).
That’s right, folks, A List(tm). On this list is everything we want to do to our house, how much it will cost, and when we’re going to work it out.
Next on the list? Rent a roto-tiller, tear up the ugly-ass lawn, rake out the lumps, dig trenches, install sprinklers, and lay down sod.
Sounds expensive, doesn’t it? It’s not. We can do the whole thing for about 50 cents a square foot, total. Because we’re doing it ourselves, we’ll be saving literally thousands of dollars (which we don’t have, anyway…but I’m hiring Arthur Andersen as my new accountant…I’m an overnight millionaire!)
Once that is done, we will focus our attention on the ugly 1970s-homemade-porn-backdrop-style wood paneling which is currently offending all standards of good taste by hanging in not 1, but 3 rooms in our house.
There’s a rumor that I’m going to have Gallery up and running very, very soon, as well…so that means lots of before and after pictures of our rooms…and pictures of my handyman butt crack.