We Demand MacNeil!

A friend of mine recently accomplished one of those things which is worthy of being celebrated with champagne, so I went to the store this afternoon to get her a bottle.

I picked out a bottle of Veuve Cliquot, which is Anne's and my favorite, and walked up to the register to pay. On my way, I thought I saw Amanda Peet standing in the cereal aisle. I don't mention this to drop names, (which is pointless anyway since I'm not sure it was actually her,) but because it was so surreal to walk past, glance down the aisle like you do in the store, and a few steps later have my brain say, "Hey, Wil, I think that was Amanda Peet." By the time I'd registered what I thought I'd seen, there was no way I could go back without officially being a total creep, so I left this mystery woman in an eigenstate and continued walking to the register.

Checkout 5 had one person in it, but his cart was overflowing with more meat products than one person could reasonably eat over a weekend. Checkout 8 had three people, all of them with a few items in hand baskets. As usual, it only took a glance at the express aisle to confirm that it was not appropriately named. 

The speaker in the store blared: Lane 11 is now open accepting all orders. No waiting on lane 11. It was extremely loud in the nearly-empty mid-afternoon store, which was a little jarring, but I didn't complain, since it solved my line-choosing problem quite nicely. I turned to my left and headed toward lane 11 quickly, almost knocking over a display box of DVDs and blu-rays that I swear to Steve the Fruitbat hadn't been there ten seconds earlier. While I caught my balance with one be-champagned hand and stopped the display from toppling to the ground with the other, I saw that the blu-rays were on sale for $5. I also saw that one of them was MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS.

I reached out and grabbed it so fast, I nearly broke the sound barrier.

Champagne and blu-ray in hand, I got to lane 11 (which I was still calling 'Checkout 11' in my head) and put my two items on the belt. The cashier scanned them both while I pulled my wallet out of my pocket. While she put them into a bag, she said, dourly, "So … looks like you have quite an evening planned for yourself."

"You know it," I said, as enthusiastically as I could without jumping around or raising my voice.

She recoiled slightly. In a voice that was a combination of suspicion, caution, curiosity and fear, she said, "Well … you … have a …" she paused, like she was choosing her next word very carefully, "nice evening, Mister …" she looked at the receipt … "Wheaton."

I took the bag from her outstretched hand and flashed her a Tom Cruise Crazy smile. "Oh," I said, "that was never in doubt!"

I walked out the doors and into the unseaonsably warm January afternoon, incredibly amused with myself. As I walked across the parking lot, I wondered if Amanda Peet was buying the blu-ray of 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea, with a fine champagne, or if it was more of an Asti Spumante kind of film.

I think about these things, you know.

50 thoughts on “We Demand MacNeil!”

  1. The guy with “more meat products than one person could reasonably eat over a weekend” sounds like my shopping trolley this morning …
    There was a tigers in the wild dvd in my trolley too lol

  2. Awww, thank you. It means more to me than you'll ever know that you and the rest of the 'boxers were so supportive in the beginning. You all gave me so much courage, I'm standing on your shoulders whenever I do anything now. I'm glad you're still reading.

  3. I LOVE Megashark vs Giant Octopus! Instant classic. Might I also recommend for your viewing pleasure: “Dragon War”. It’s fun to watch the evil dragon have his goal in his grasp, and do the dragon equilvalent of monologing — Growling and looking menacing for no good reason.

  4. Holy moses I am just blown away that GS v. OP was only $5 on Blue Ray! What magical store has both Veuve Cliquot AND $5 masterpieces on Blue Ray? Was it a Piggly Wiggly?

  5. The title of this blog post led me to believe the world’s shortiest skirt would be involved, this was disappointing. However, there was mention of MS v GO, so it all evened out. Well played, Mr. Wheaton.

  6. You, sir, are gentleman to the end. However, in this case I think I’ll wager that this is the beginning of a strange spiral for you. I wager if you would have turned back you might have noticed she was waiting for you to pass, and this woman is actually a quite attractive stalker.
    I’m sure Vegas would take this bet. Heck, the most I know about stalking is some strange coincidences involving Paula Poundstone’s life and my schedule. Then again maybe your momentary lost isle friend was really Paula moving on to another technophile. I bet she loves your cat jokes.

  7. I almost took a train down to London to see Megashark vs. Giant Octobus at the Prince Charles Theatre but in the end didn’t and rented the DVD instead (which was out before it was shown on SyFy – that was hard to type – over here, weirdly), which was just about the right kind of expenditure for the quality of the film. It was a bit boring in places to be truly a so bad it was good film but even I might have bought it for $5.
    I hope your friend enjoys the champagne.

  8. I’ve often wondered if people recognized you out in the real world and if they acknowledged that fact. Now I know, and knowing as they say, is half the battle. Btw, I really enjoyed your short story The Day After. It left me wanting more. My eyes were glued to the pages.

  9. My 7yo found MS vs GO on netflix and has watched it twice. We also have the DVD. Paid more-than-wil-wheaton-paid for it. A suggestion: even though netflix might suggest mega pirahna as a similar film, just say no. No, no, no.

  10. Mega Piranha was awesome!
    You know, if awesome actually meant “so completely awful that I started laughing during the opening credits and didn’t stop for two hours.”
    Meanwhile, I’m very annoyed that I missed my chance to pick up a ticket for tomorrow’s Alamo Drafthouse-hosted premiere of Mega Gibson vs. Tiffanoid…I’m sorry, I mean Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

  11. Well, if we're going with THAT definition of awesome, then i guess, by definition, it was awesome.
    Wait. What?
    Sent from iTheresa's iPhone!!

  12. Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus, a movie which I have seen and found to be incredibly horrible, good choice Mr. Wheaton, good choice (not sarcasm, I approve it;s almost as good as Teenagers From Outer Space)

  13. Wow. Your thoughts are too deep for me. Then again, I though I was the only one that bought odd compilations of items. Always fun when you have one of those McGyver moments in the Harware Store checkout with the cashier pondering just what could he be building.
    Loved those commercials Anderson did.

  14. Oh jeez… I bet that DVD’ll be on our watch list sooner or later. It’s not Asylum’s by any chance? One of these days I’m going to have to stop laughing at their website and watch Trans-morphers or 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea or whatever it’s called. LMAO.

  15. I was at a big going-away party for a friend last night. It was at a wine bar serving champagne, and the place had a mural of a giant octopus on the wall. All I could think about was this post. Thanks for filling my evening with completely tangential thoughts—I’m sure the other guests wondered why I was grinning like an idiot the whole time. :)

  16. Wouldn’t it be uber-ironic if someday in the not too distant future, mother-earth decides she’s had enough and does produce mega monsters to teach the evil polluting humans a lesson?
    Sigh… if only.
    PS… Go Debbie Gibson! *has nostalgic flashback to late 80’s music*

  17. LOL! I saw Gibson when she starred in the Broadway version of Les Miserable!
    My son cringed whenever the scene with her and the other scientist in the little lab room came up! I laughed so hard because it was so bad AND it was Gibson. It was almost like adding insult to injury!

  18. Ah, the game that first made me fully appreciate my wife.
    Two hours of pissing and moaning about how dull and pointless it all was, while a table of nerds gutted each other, then calmly flipping her cards and quietly declaring “By the way, I’ve just won, bitches”.
    Now, that’s Illuminating old skool.

  19. It has to have been Amanda Peet. She is my hero against the villain Jenny McCarthy. If you have no idea why: I have aspergers, my son has autism. Boo McCarthy, yay Peet.

  20. One day, a few months ago, I was at The Bay I picked out a bottle of Drakkar Noir, which is Megan’s and my favorite, and walked up to the register to pay. On my way, I thought I saw Wil Wheaton standing at customer service. I don’t mention this to drop names, (which is pointless anyway since I’m not sure it was actually him,) but because it was so surreal to walk past, glance down the aisle like you do in the store, and a few steps later have my brain say, “Hey, Alex, I think that was Wil Wheaton.” By the time I’d registered what I thought I’d seen, there was no way I could go back without officially being a total la-HOO-zer, so I left this mystery man in an eigenstate, holding on to a pair of pants, and continued walking to the register.
    #DidNotActuallyHappenButWouldHaveGoneDownThatWayToo

  21. I love your ability to make a trip to the store sound so awesome and entertaining! I didn’t know that Mega Shark vs. Giant Ocotopus was out on DVD. When Mega Shark grabbed that airplane out of the air, I fell over laughing. I love those movies!

  22. Totally get the appeal for Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. My husband and I have a penchant for the old dramatic sci-fi movies. We have “Attack of the (random ‘giant’ animal here)”. =) The iguana one is the best, esp since it’s not actually an iguana!

  23. Love it. Our not-so-secret favorite movies are the really bad disaster/sci-fi movies. Really, what’s better on a Friday night than a bottle of wine and The Core? :-)

  24. It’s funny because my boyfriend Dean Davey and I were browsing the endless racks of discount movies at Zellers a few weeks ago. After getting dizzy and all headache-y we finally reached the blue ray section. He whipped around the corner nearly at light speed and exclaimed in a joyous tone and wide eyes “LOOK, MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS!”. I laughed and said “That’s the movie Wil was so excited about finding.” He bought it of course, being only $6.99 in Canada, for a BLUE RAY! We finally got a chance to watch it recently and laughed mostly. What made it fun was when we reenacted the big battle in an epic half hour wrestling/biting match! I was the Octopus and he was the Shark. I won of course but got dragged down to the bottom. Luckily my tentacles magically grew back! HA HA Now I can’t stop using my limbs to trap him as he tries to walk by, which results in more wrestling and biting, probably because we are both actors, in need of expressing ourselves. Playtime is fun but watching movies like this really makes me think, why are we not just making our own movies, as I am sure we could do better than some of the stuff that gets funding out there.
    May I recommend a brilliant film that I absolutely LOVE that we watched again recently? PONTYPOOL directed by Bruce McDonald. It is the most highly intelligent, well done, clever, meaningful low budget zombie thriller ever. It’s commentary on relationships is dead on and tackles a new level of awareness, while being simply entertaining to watch. It’s in my top 10 favorites of all time, and I love movies!
    By the way Wil, thanks for sharing. Thanks for sharing your life with us. It’s important to your readers, and the world. Have a great week!

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