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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

By your command

Posted on 12 February, 2002 By Wil

Last night, we all took a trip down memory lane, to the glory days of Universal Studios, when Conan The Barbarian was so cool, they gave him his own stage show, housed in a cool-looking castle.
Back then, they actually shot movies at the Universal lot, and, if you were lucky, you could take the tram tour and actually see as much film work as you’d find on an average Vancouver street these days. I remember not being able to ride the tram down one of the magical backlot streets, because they were filming this movie with the kid from Family Ties, where they drove this cool car, and some stuff happened. It was a long time ago, so I don’t completely remember.
Anyway, back in those glorious days, before runaway production ruined so many lives and dashed so many dreams, taking the backlot tram tour would actually put you, the lucky tourist, in the movies!
You could ride across this collapsing bridge, and go through an actual avalanche, from the Six Million Dollar Man. You could ride through the actual Red Sea, parted by the commanding voice of our tour guide, with the help of his trusty driver.
Jaws, the real Jaws, would actually jump out of the water at the tram, with only the skills of the aforementioned driver to save tramloads of “Maui 1980”-shirted tourists from certain doom.
Of course, facing the dangers of the movies was exciting and all, but that was nothing, after you’d driven into an actual Cylon Spaceship, and faced down the wrath of the Imperious Leader, with a little help from this guy named “Apollo”, from the real Battlestar Galactica. It was the first real “event” of the tram tour, and it was my absolute favorite part. Even better than the Psycho house, or 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Once, when I was doing that whole “Teen Idol” thing, I was invited to Universal to host Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards. It was there that I met, and developed the hugest crush ever on, the one and only Debbie Gibson. (Who, in a bizarre twist of six degrees of separation, is good friends with one of the actors who I just worked with in ‘Neverland’. She told him to tell me “Hello”. Rock.)
Anyway, while we were at Universal, shooting segments for the awards show, they took us into the actual Cylon Spaceship, and let us experience it, “behind the scenes”. I got to put on the Apollo helmet, pick up the balsa wood gun, and lip synch, “In the name of the federation, I demand the release of the humans!”
It was beyond cool, even though I was like 15 or 16, and should really have been too cool for the whole thing, especially since I was hoping that Debbie Gibson would get lost in my eyes, and not be able to shake my love.
But, alas, the romance was not to be, and, although I did my best Apollo, they wouldn’t let me put on the whole costume and do it for real tourists.
The closest I ever got to being on Battlestar Galactica was running around the Enterprise, which wasn’t as good a consolation prize as you’d think.
A few years later, I read in the paper that the Battlestar Galactica attraction was gone, replaced by, get this, an escalator, that would transport tourists to the bottom of the hill, where they could wait in line for lame attractions like “ET’s Adventure” and something stupid from An American Tale. Billed, at the time, as the “world’s biggest escalator”, it failed to impress me the same way that balsa wood gun and FX smoke-filled room did.
Although I hadn’t ridden the backstage tour in years, I knew immediately that I would miss it forever.
I never went on studio tours again like the ones I did when I was 16.
Jesus, does anyone?

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  1. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:16 pm

    DEWD!!!!! TOTALLY!

  2. jadis says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:17 pm

    woohoo 1st comment. since my mom was a total hippie she never let me go to places like universal. when we took vacations we couldn’t do anything she declared “too commercial” be glad you had the experience for the rest of us.
    amellia

  3. FormulaZero says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:18 pm

    Hey I went on that tour, did the red sea/jaws thing, saw the Psycho house, did the Battlestar thing it was cool. Wasn’t there some sort of submarine thing too?

  4. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:18 pm

    zzzZZzzzzZZzzzPrepare to assault the GalacticazzzZZzzzzZZzzz

  5. matt says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:21 pm

    I don’t usually post, but I’ve got to hand it to you Wil. I loved the ending. Every time you end a post like that I have to laugh and reminisce. Cheers mate!

  6. Xkot says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:22 pm

    Wil… I know because it was mundane to you it seems less cool, but the stuff you got to do on TNG is far, far cooler than sitting in a Battlestar ship.

  7. MrsVeteran says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:24 pm

    ~sigh~ I always wanted to go to Universal Studios, but we always ended up going to Disneyland or Knott’s Berry Farm instead. That scene from The A-Team where Face walks past the Cylon and sort of does a “Do I know you…” double take put Universal Studios in my face (no pun intended) every week. I knew that if only I could go there, I’d get to be in some movie or TV show and be “discovered.” lol!
    Instead, it was Space Mountain, the Matterhorn, and Pirates.
    Ahhh, nostalgia…now, who can sing me the full version of the “Tiki Room” song? 🙂

  8. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:25 pm

    Do NOT knock Battlestar Galactica
    wooooohoooo 7th post!
    roflmao

  9. jbay says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:30 pm

    beedy beedy beedy

  10. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:31 pm

    oh the Twiki!!!

  11. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:33 pm

    Ole, ole! It’s showtime!
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    All the birds sing words and the flowers croon,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room.
    Welcome to our tropical hideaway,
    You lucky people, you.
    If we weren’t in the show starting right away,
    We’d be in the audience, too.
    All together!
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    All the birds sing words and the flowers croon,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room.
    I sing so beautiful, I should sing solo.
    Si! So low we can’t hear you!
    My voice may not be so marvelous, but my profile is out of this world!
    Ya-ho! But the trouble is, it’s not far enough out of this world! Isn’t that right, Smith? Oh, I see! Schmidt has no hair!
    Mi amigos, stop the clucking. You sound like a bunch of old hens. There’s a lot of birds waiting to go on. For instance…
    The boys in the band are called kamikaze.
    Because of their claws?
    No! Because they’re macaws.
    And our fine feathered friend is a jolly toucan,
    And two can talk better than one toucan can.
    The bird of paradise is an elegant bird.
    It likes to be seen and it loves to be heard.
    Most little birdies will fly away,
    But the tiki room birds are here every day.
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    All the birds sing words and the flowers croon,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room.
    Our show is delightful, we hope you’ll agree.
    We hope that it fills you with pleasure and glee.
    Because if we don’t make you feel like that,
    We’re gonna wind up on a lady’s hat.
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    All the birds sing words and the flowers croon,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room.
    Our magnificent production is yet to come,
    So strum the guitar and beat the drum.
    We’ve been a hit and we know you adore us,
    So come and join us in another chorus.
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    All the birds sing words and the flowers croon,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room.
    A little louder…
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room,
    All the birds sing words and the flowers croon,
    In the tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki room

  12. KJB says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:36 pm

    Cherish, did you just listen to the mp3 of the song, and then type it up?
    Because that was my plan, and you, you bastard, you stole the idea.
    Go animatronics!

  13. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:37 pm

    no, I remembered the whole thing by heart, the Tiki room was a HUGE favorite….I think I remember a couple of the other songs they’d do but I’d have to think about it, and only by request….

  14. Alfvaen says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:38 pm

    I’d just like to say, no offense to Wil’s wife, but he and Debbie Gibson would have made a great couple. Really. They would’ve bonded like Michael Jackson and Macaulay Culkin or something.
    Wonder what Debbie’s doing these days? I haven’t heard much since she was in Les Miz. (I would so have loved to see her do Eponine…)

  15. Roughy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:46 pm

    Jeebus…
    Scroll, scroll, scroll…hope that Wil tracks IP addresses (“bestiality”) and then wonder why he never told me the Battlestar Galactica story when I busted his balls for starring along side with Lorne Greene…
    Damn, Hoss would be proud.
    You should get a leaf blower.

  16. fenaray says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:47 pm

    Hey Wil,
    Only been on one studio tour, Disney MGM in Orlando, right after it opened. It sucked. The Magic Kingdom has lost it’s charm. Cedar Point is way more fun.

  17. christopher hearns says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:48 pm

    No, and stop calling me Jesus.

  18. underdog says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:48 pm

    lol on the beastiality comment Wil. Poor Ferris.
    I never got to go on the cool vacations like Disney and Universal. To this day I still have not been to either one.

  19. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:48 pm

    Roughy the all mighty…..plunks down a cheese offering to the Roughy god…..

  20. Gigi says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:49 pm

    bestiality, eh? I would have thought someone who posted under false names would prefer felching.

  21. Mandy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:51 pm

    Enjoyed the post Wil, including the potshot at Vancouver. I realize the “Hollywood North” thing must be annoying to all you California-based industry tpes, but it rocks for me. Hehe. I love watching movies and recognizing streets, buildings and neighbourhoods where I’ve been. Too bad that most of the tv series shot here suck bigtime. (Andromeda, gag. Mysterious Ways, ick. Stargate, blah.)
    Since X-Files left I’ve been bereft… not once did I get to hang with David Duchovny (who will always be Dennis/Denise to me) or Gillian Anderson. I did see Dean Haglund in Theatresports a lot – including “Star Trick: The Next Improvisation”. (He played a long blonde haired Worf rip-off). But he’s a local guy, so big deal. Your character was named Weasley, I’m sorry to say. 🙂
    The only thing that bites is Vancouver rarely gets to play itself… it’s always Seattle or Washington or something.
    Funniest location goof: “Rumble in the Bronx”, where Jackie Chan is fighting a New York street gang in the shadow of Grouse Mountain. Whoa, I didn’t know New York had a local ski area. Hee.
    But Universal Studios… yeah, cool place. 🙂

  22. Dani says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:52 pm

    Hey Wil! Nice reference to “Stand By Me” …

  23. Roughy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:56 pm

    Wil, remember when we starred in that little “B” movie that no one saw:
    “The Leafblower Strikes Back”
    And Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert let us kick Bruce Campbell’s ass?
    And Fred Fowler…
    As the Beaver.

  24. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 7:59 pm

    cheesy!
    heh
    (wonders what the hell is wrong with herself tonight)

  25. jbay says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:01 pm

    doesn’t felching count as bestiality? I mean, they’re wee beasties, but they’re beasties, nonetheless.
    – signed edgar, or something
    we really need spudnuts back

  26. Mike says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:08 pm

    All I remember of universal is I hated those escalators. If you want a more boring ride in all the world try that one.
    As for Debbie Gibson. I still love her. She is now Deborah and came out with an album last year and has done numerous Broadway stuff. She is still around and I think she looks better now and she isn’t all about, “Look at my boobs, look at my butt” She is still squeaky clean. Yay for her.

  27. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:08 pm

    *smacks jbay upside da head with a dictionary

  28. Rob Matsushita says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:13 pm

    jbay said: “we really need spudnuts back.”
    Yeah, I guess all that “I got nowhere else to go” stuff was just a bunch of tree huggin’ hippie crap.

  29. Purple Nurple says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:13 pm

    Isn’t “by your command” one of the Paladin’s lines from War Craft II? Have you been doing a little orc vs. Human battling Wil?

  30. Roughy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:18 pm

    WTF?
    No one liked my leafblower/Fred Fowler dig?
    I suppose.
    Screw it.
    I guess I have to post shit.
    Like this.
    To be appreciated.
    And to have my humor understood.
    Oh, neglect.
    Bunch of shit.
    Poetry perhaps?
    Alas! Nay!
    At least “Say Anything…” comes out on DVD soon so I can go tuck myself back into Cusack-land.
    He returns emails.
    And pr0n.
    Oh, and cheese.

  31. Kit says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:18 pm

    Seeing what my name is, you know I had to love the last post on your site. 🙂 Too bad they had to spell the car’s name wrong in the series! And Galactica was waaay cool.

  32. Jenna says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:18 pm

    Whoa, Richard Dreyfuss dejavu…

  33. AMStrange says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:20 pm

    WOW, I remember all that. That poor fisherman.. minding his own business. I wonder if those damned calloused tram operators ever notified his next of kin? Can you imagine getting nailed 20x a day?
    It’s like a bad takeoff on groundhog’s day.
    I always wondered where they found room to put that stupid escalator.
    Now I know… And knowing is half the battle…
    YO JOE!

  34. MrsVeteran says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:22 pm

    Gads, I should have *KNOWN* someone would know the Tiki Room song! Way to go, Cherish!!! Now, how about a duet of the Pirates of the Caribbean?
    ‘Cause I’m certainly not even going to bring up “It’s a Small World…”
    Wh..wha…NO! NO!!! NOW IT’S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD!
    “It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears
    It’s a world of hope and a world of fears.
    There’s so much that we share
    That it’s time we’re aware
    It’s a small world after all….”
    ForGod’sSakeSomebodyStopMEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  35. KJB says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:23 pm

    Sam Raimi!
    Rob Tapert!
    Bruce Campbell!
    Confessions of a B-Movie Actor!
    The Chin!
    I was so sad when the video store was out of Army of Darkness. I nearly cried.
    But then I watched Spinal Tap, and all was right with the world.

  36. Mandy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:24 pm

    Well, you know. You’ll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they’ll come marching in, and crawl up your leg, and start biting the inside of your ass, and you’ll be all like, ‘Hey! Get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows!’
    Ohhhh, rain-BOWS!
    *giggle*

  37. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:24 pm

    I think it goes a little something like
    Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
    We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot,
    Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho.
    Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
    We extort, we pilfer, we filch, and sack,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    Maraud and embezzle, and even high-jack,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
    We kindle and char, inflame and ignite,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    We burn up the city, we’re really a fright,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    We’re rascals, scoundrels, villans, and knaves,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    We’re devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
    We’re beggars and blighters, ne’er-do-well cads,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho.
    Aye, but we’re loved by our mommies and dads,
    Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho

  38. Roughy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:25 pm

    Wil; snag some IPs and let me at ’em.
    Bet they’re Canadian. 😉
    Filter! Filter!
    And I don’t mean that picture song!
    Identity thief!
    But, I canceled that credit card!

  39. firemage says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:27 pm

    Speaking of Cusack – wasn’t he in Grosse Point Blank? Bloody good movie that!

  40. AMStrange says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:27 pm

    Purple Nurple: “Isn’t “by your command” one of the Paladin’s lines from War Craft II? Have you been doing a little orc vs. Human battling Wil?”
    DUDE, no way, if they do, it’s a RIP. Cylons man, they were hardcore.

  41. Cherish says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:28 pm

    That’s ok Roughy, I have that cancelled credit card, and it still works!

  42. Mandy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:28 pm

    Hey, was anyone else here terrified of “Evil Dead” when they were too young to know it was supposed to be funny?
    Oh wait… that was just me.
    What do you expect? I was only seven for Bob’s sake. Demonic possession is a little heavy for a second grader. 🙂
    Bruce Campbell rocks though.

  43. Roughy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:28 pm

    KJB…betchoo’d love my Bruce Campbell Soundboard.
    And my bootleg pre-issue “If Chins Could Kill” and my pics of the Chin-man and … heh.
    I’m a dork.
    I don’t quite have a shrine, but I’m avidly collecting the Brisco County series!

  44. underdog says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:29 pm

    life? what life. My life is my son and my computer. Oh and work too. But that doesn’t count.

  45. MrsVeteran says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:33 pm

    Cherish, you have either worked at Disneyland/World, been there WAY too many times, or, like me, got the soundtrack album years ago. lol!
    We also had the Wizard of Oz soundtrack and some Bill Cosby records. My parents came to hate the sound of “One time, when I was a child, I had a sore throat.” Oh yes. They hates it. Somehow, my brother and I survived anyway…

  46. KJB says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:35 pm

    Roughy, you’re right.
    I’m already coveting those items…
    Gimme, bitch!

  47. Dani says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:36 pm

    Be nice Roughy! You might bruise my Canadian feelings 🙁 … bad enough we lost a gold medal today, now you’re blaming us for id theft .. *sniffle*sniffle*whine*whine* …
    K, … I’m better now … bite my Royal Canadian Hiney, Rough-boy

  48. cathy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:36 pm

    mmmm..apollo…my first crush..

  49. Dani says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:37 pm

    (just kidding, btw)

  50. Roughy says:
    12 February, 2002 at 8:39 pm

    Don’t worry, Dani…it’s only a few, select Canadians that I refer to.
    I’ll spare you the URL.
    But watch out for them.
    They wield Leaf Blowers and dress like Fred Fowler.
    “First you want to kill me. Now you want to kiss me. Blow.”

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