By your command

Last night, we all took a trip down memory lane, to the glory days of Universal Studios, when Conan The Barbarian was so cool, they gave him his own stage show, housed in a cool-looking castle.
Back then, they actually shot movies at the Universal lot, and, if you were lucky, you could take the tram tour and actually see as much film work as you’d find on an average Vancouver street these days. I remember not being able to ride the tram down one of the magical backlot streets, because they were filming this movie with the kid from Family Ties, where they drove this cool car, and some stuff happened. It was a long time ago, so I don’t completely remember.
Anyway, back in those glorious days, before runaway production ruined so many lives and dashed so many dreams, taking the backlot tram tour would actually put you, the lucky tourist, in the movies!
You could ride across this collapsing bridge, and go through an actual avalanche, from the Six Million Dollar Man. You could ride through the actual Red Sea, parted by the commanding voice of our tour guide, with the help of his trusty driver.
Jaws, the real Jaws, would actually jump out of the water at the tram, with only the skills of the aforementioned driver to save tramloads of “Maui 1980”-shirted tourists from certain doom.
Of course, facing the dangers of the movies was exciting and all, but that was nothing, after you’d driven into an actual Cylon Spaceship, and faced down the wrath of the Imperious Leader, with a little help from this guy named “Apollo”, from the real Battlestar Galactica. It was the first real “event” of the tram tour, and it was my absolute favorite part. Even better than the Psycho house, or 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Once, when I was doing that whole “Teen Idol” thing, I was invited to Universal to host Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards. It was there that I met, and developed the hugest crush ever on, the one and only Debbie Gibson. (Who, in a bizarre twist of six degrees of separation, is good friends with one of the actors who I just worked with in ‘Neverland’. She told him to tell me “Hello”. Rock.)
Anyway, while we were at Universal, shooting segments for the awards show, they took us into the actual Cylon Spaceship, and let us experience it, “behind the scenes”. I got to put on the Apollo helmet, pick up the balsa wood gun, and lip synch, “In the name of the federation, I demand the release of the humans!”
It was beyond cool, even though I was like 15 or 16, and should really have been too cool for the whole thing, especially since I was hoping that Debbie Gibson would get lost in my eyes, and not be able to shake my love.
But, alas, the romance was not to be, and, although I did my best Apollo, they wouldn’t let me put on the whole costume and do it for real tourists.
The closest I ever got to being on Battlestar Galactica was running around the Enterprise, which wasn’t as good a consolation prize as you’d think.
A few years later, I read in the paper that the Battlestar Galactica attraction was gone, replaced by, get this, an escalator, that would transport tourists to the bottom of the hill, where they could wait in line for lame attractions like “ET’s Adventure” and something stupid from An American Tale. Billed, at the time, as the “world’s biggest escalator”, it failed to impress me the same way that balsa wood gun and FX smoke-filled room did.
Although I hadn’t ridden the backstage tour in years, I knew immediately that I would miss it forever.
I never went on studio tours again like the ones I did when I was 16.
Jesus, does anyone?

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253 thoughts on “By your command”

  1. Hey Roughy, thanks for clearing that last one up. I was still laboring under the impression that you were some form of orange fish that used spawning as a valid form of sexual expression.

  2. Isn’t that a Koi?
    Anyway, I’m a cat.
    Don’t you follow?
    Cat’s like cheese.
    You’ll see.
    The cheese has it’s own rules.
    The cheese, however, doesn’t quote the cheese.

  3. Glad to be of service Mr. Wheaton, sir. I will now rest easy knowing I’ll never be able to do a better Jorb in my life. 🙂

  4. Hey Greetings from the second incarnation of Universal Studios (that’s Vancouver, B.C.!)
    I remember taking the tour when I went (twice)and I also saw the filming of Back To The Future Part 2.
    KITT was a boiling, 70’s carpet smelling car which I asked innane Canadian questions…like how fast do you go in KM(kilometers)?

  5. “It was there that I met, and developed the hugest crush ever on, the one and only Debbie Gibson. (Who, in a bizarre twist of six degrees of separation, is good friends with one of the actors who I just worked with in ‘Neverland’. She told him to tell me “Hello”. Rock.)”
    I thought she was calling you “Rock”.
    I was waiting for the Wil’s Eyebrow, too.
    Are you taking a role in “The Scorpion King”?
    Hey, it could have been worse…I coulda thought she meant Hudson.
    That’d not rock.
    Go for the eyebrow.

  12. The recount would depend upon what you’re into Roughy. Y’see there’s the choice between Hanging Chads and Pregnant Chads.

  14. wouldn’t know, honestly the only movie of wil’s that i’ve seen is “Stand By Me”. i just felt like being a bitch. i am buying “The Curse” though, my luck i’ll like it.
    “Toy Soldiers”

  16. I am Debbie Gibson’s sister. Well, that’s what I told the kiddies in the big slides at Chuck E. Cheese. So if Wil had married Debbie Gibson, he could have been my brother-in-law!
    and … Jerry O’Connell? Did I see the name Jerry O’Connell? Augghhh! *swoon* I LUV him!

  17. Hey, I went to school with one of those dimpled Chads. Nice to look at, but I wouldn’t put alot of stock in them :):):)

  18. Isn’t he hot?
    Hard to believe he was the fat kid in Stand By Me.
    That’s how I remember him to people. They get it right away. Funny now that works.
    ::As Drew Barrymore is leaving::
    “Was it… The Chad?”
    “No! The Chad was wonderful!”

  21. Jerry O’Connell … yes, major droolage happening … but just imagine … a Jerry and Charlie O’Connell sandwich with you in the middle … *sigh* …

  22. Boy did your story bring back some memories of those special summer days when Papa Dean, your grandfather, would take me and Uncle Rory to work with him…on the back lot at Universal Studios. No tour, no tram. Only bicycles (not unlike the one featured in ET) big basket and all,borrowed from the prop department. Come to think of it, we must have created the original Tour. Riding through the sets of Wagon Train, The Munsters, Leave it to Beaver, and, of course, my favorites, the original Psycho house and the Phantom of the Opera stage. Lots of summer fun, that is until we were banned. Seems we ruined a shot while riding through a desert backdrop on a sound stage. So, that’s it, my own trip down memory lane. Love, Mom

  24. It’s not Shabbat … I think I can go no kosher … but if I get smited by Yahweh … I’m gonna be mighty miffed …

  25. Hi Wil’s Mom! … I got to talk to you before Wil’s show in Vegas … you and Rick were really nice 🙂 … and very patient with all us fans …

  27. Now Dani, would that be smited by Yahweh or smitten with Yahweh? Is that over the top? I can never tell!

  33. Someone *had* to mention Toy Soldiers, didn’t they?
    It has merit, though, being the only film to date where one can see Sean Astin’s naked rump. (He was a studly little bugger then! Gah!)

  34. Actually KJB, in the new context of the Chad utilized above, a pair is more appropriate than just one. That would be lopsided.

  40. KJB, only if you’ve been recently crying or have recently ingested an incomplete serving of peanut butter, some of which has lodged itself on the roof of your mouth.

  47. First off– that was a good one Kimberly3 with the whole “Be our guest”
    Second of all how’s this for (nostalga/pathetic) you fill in the blank…..
    I had such a huge crush on Wil back in the day,I kept a scrapbook or any pictures and interviews I could get my hands on-and well I have a photo in bl/wt from bop mag of you Wil and Debbie. The action caption read they became friends and exchanged info…… I was so jealous!!!!
    Anyhow I havn’t been back to the studios since about 3 years ago and before then, I was about 4 yrs old. “I’m 28 you do the math”

  49. From Andie G. :
    “I have a photo in bl/wt from bop mag of you Wil and Debbie.”
    Where’d you get a picture of me Wil and Debbie?

  50. Damn those silent H’s. And damn you Dani, now I’m nibbling on some cheese. And good night Roughy, Saltine dreams!

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