As a step-parent, I have this strange set of ever-changing boundries that I have to respect with my step-kids.
On the one hand, it sort of sucks, because I don’t think I’ll ever be as close to them as I want to, even though they live with Anne and me. On the other hand, I totally respect and understand their limits, and I am not about to force myself on them, or force them to have a relationship with me that they aren’t ready for. For example, I don’t ever want to be called “dad”. I’m really happy just being “Wil”, because they’ve alread got a dad. I’ve made a point of that, over the years, and I think that it has made things easier for the kids, because I’m not putting them in an uncomfortable position of having to choose who they love more, or who they want to be around.
The other side of that is that I sometimes feel like my influence on them is minimized, and that they aren’t “getting” the same things that they’d be “getting” if I was the only father-figure in their lives.
But sometimes, things happen, and I really see myself in them, and it’s just awesome.
Anne and I worked long days today, and we realized that there was no food in the house when it was time to fix dinner, so we decided to go out to eat.
Normally, I’m not a big fan of the dining out experience. Somehow, I’ve managed to avoid the being a waiter part of being an actor, and I think restaurants scare me, because I know I’m “The Curse, Part 4” away from asking if anyone would like to know what the “soup du jour” is, and then sighing sadly when my answer, “that’s the soup of the day”, doesn’t elicit the peals of laughter that I was hoping for.
But when there’s no food in the house, and I don’t want to order pizza, our options are limited.
So we put the kids in the car, and we headed out to a local eating establishment for some grub. While we were there, a couple of things happened, and I totally saw myself in both of the kids, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes.
But it didn’t, because I’m a bad ass, and I’m cool, and tough, okay? Okay?!
Okay.
So we’re eating underneath this picture of Jack Nicholson, the one where he’s holding a magnifying glass, and his teeth are huge, and his chin is pulling a Leno.
I point at it, and I say, “Hey, guys, do you know who that is?”
Ryan says, “Drew Carey?”
“No,” I reply, “it’s Jack Nicholson.”
“Oh,” says Nolan. “I thought he was dead.”
Then they look at each other for a second, and explode into laughter. Of course they know Jack Nicholson, they tell me. They were totally messing with me.
Which is something that I would do.
Later in our meal, Anne is telling the kids that the exterminator came to our house today, and he left some traps in the attic…she then tells the kids, “So, later tonight, you may hear: scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch…” And she SLAMS her hand on the table, and shouts, “BAM!” which she immediately follows with this screaching “EEIPPE!” noise.
Ryan looks at the table across from us, and he says, to the couple who is staring at my wife, “I don’t know this woman. I am so sorry.”
Which is something that I would do.
After dinner, when we’re back in the car, Nolan says, “Wil, can we listen to Jimmy Eat World?” I tell him no, because it’s in the CD player at home.
He follows that up with a request for Tool, and a request for Bad Religion.
I inform him that both of those CDs are also at home, and Ryan says, “How about Cake? Can we listen to Cake, Wil?” He begins to hum “Comfort Eagle” to himself.
J.E.W., Tool, Bad Religion, and Cake. Every last one of them bands that I listen to.
Oh, and a few days ago, Nolan was on the phone telling his friend, “You should never wait to tell your mom that you love her.” He waits, while his friend presumably asks him why, and tells him that you never know what’s going to happen to someone, so they should always know that you love them.
Which is totally something that I do.
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“I don’t know this woman. I am so sorry.” HA!
Hi Wil.
hehehe.. that’s cool. I like my parents, never really had any problems during those “teenage” years because we got along very well. They were cool, and still are. Not to say problems didn’t come up, but it was never anything huge.
I think the closer you are to them, the easier the years to come will be. I’m only 18 now, but I’m pretty much out of that bratty, bad-attitude, arrogant stage. It’s not so bad when your parents are cool with ya.
BTW, what’s up with Vega$pants man??
Wil,
That is so cool, and an honor, I might add, to be “steppin’ “…Nolan and Ryan may have a dad, but you’re influencing their lives in ways you may not always notice.
Not having the privilege of being a father, I can only speak from the experience of being a close male figure in my younger sister’s kids lives…they have a tendency to look up to me in more ways than I could have ever hoped for.
I sometimes feel that I don’t deserve their attention / respect, because I have a tendency to allow day-to-day dealings with work or what-have-you to interfere when I have the opportunity to drop by for a visit, (thankfully, they only live a mile from me), but they always offer a hug or a laugh or a nice compliment. “Uncle Mark, your car always smells so nice” or “Uncle Mark, I really like the way your hair looks”, etc. Goofy stuff to an adult, but they are just so sincere!
Anyways…I think it’s so cool that these two great-sounding kids are allowing you to be a part of their lives, through the influence of the music you enjoy listening to or how’d you humorously react out in public. I’m sure there are (and will be) many, many other ways throughout their lives. 😮 )
Sounds like you’re a rich man indeed…
Take care,
Wow. That’s seriously one of the coolest things I’ve read in a while. Makes me almost want to lift the personal ban I’ve made on myself for having kids someday 🙂 I know, I know, I say that now, but I’ll be one of those women with 8 kids who all hate her… 🙁 ok, end that tangent. anyway, Wil, I think it’s totally awesome that you can connect with your step-kids like that. I’ve known far too many people who absolutely hated their steparents and it really messes up the home. Sounds like you’re a truly lucky guy, and it’s great that you realize that. Have a great V-Day with the family!
Wil, I completely understand how you feel on both the ups and the downs of being a step parent. I married a man with three children and they still very much have a mother. I sometimes wish that I was the only motherly influence on those three kids, but I’ve also had my great moments with them. I’ve seen myself in those kids more than once, and I’ve had the two girls come to me and compliment me on things or tell me how they’d like to be like me when they grow up. I mainly wanted to share this one moment with you….. the last time my step kids were at our house, the oldest girl told me that I was the best step mother she’s ever had. I started laughing and pointed out that I was also the only step mother she’d ever had. Then, I almost started crying because she just smiled at me and told me that I was the only one she would have picked. No matter how many times I feel like I’m missing out or they are because I’m just their step mom, I’m just so glad that I have such a good relationship with them and so proud when I feel like I’ve passed a little bit of myself on to them.
Sounds like your kids have waaaaaay too much time on their hands. Get ’em an http://www.apple.com/imac and put the game Tropico on it. After a few months, they’ll be so expert in running simulated Caribbean islands that they’ll beg you to move to one and overthrow the government.
Imagine: you could be related to Caribbean dictators.
This is now officially my favorite WWDN post. It was previously the story about Christmas show at the school – but this… very cool.
Or you could NOT buy the crappy computer and play Tropico on a PC.
Wil, I very much enjoyed reading that bit about your [step-]kids. Really cool stuff. I look forward to those days.
SO SWEET WIL! OMG, the kids rock!
All my best
Cindy
At least you are influencing your step-kids with cool music — *totally* the role of parents, I think. 🙂 I was introduced to ABBA, Billy Joel, and Queen (to name a few) via the musical tastes of fabulous mom ‘n’ dad. Oh, and Anne Murray. How could I forget Anne Murray? 😉
And hey, I’m not sure if it is a pain in your patootie to be constantly reminded of your infamous role in STAND BY ME. Of course, I read your site daily and look forward to your current/future projects — but I confess, STAND BY ME has not lost its magic. As it is Valentine’s Day, I wanted to take time to thank you for participating in a project which still warms my heart.
(However, I must admit that Sean Astin was my first “celebrity crush”…tee hee. Sorry, buddy. But at least that’s how I got to see you in TOY SOLDIERS!)
Man oh man. That was quite an enjoyable read.
I have three children, myself; a daughter, 12, and two sons, 5 and nearly 4. My daughter, people tell me, is the very image of me, physically, mentally and emotionally.
When I see her act like me, and do the things that I do, it really does totally rock.
You’re a lucky man, Wil. But those are some lucky kids, too.
where is everybody tonight?
anyway, wil you are such a cool step-dad… totally the opposite of mine… trust me, you don’t want to know… is Anne a bit older than you? just curious. it’s hard when the kids aren’t yours, but you love them anyway… Nolan and Ryan sound like cool kids, do they wanna act or anything? don’t you hate generation gaps? i live through that with my little sister… speaking of my sis, is the younger one like girls yet, i think she’d like him.
okay, it’s 1:30 in the a.m. ’round here and i got class at ten… i think it’s past my bedtime.
Happy V-Day all!
How lucky of Noal & Ryan to have two male role models who love & cherish them.
Wil, that is so awesome.
If my dad had influenced me like that, I would be SO grateful. Unfortunately, he didn’t. It’s nice to know there are still decent father figures out there.
Have a happy valentines with the family!
Awesome, very amazing thing for you. Most step kids find it hard (I knwo cuz I have a step-dad) and I think it’s best the way you did that… never doubt that b/c you’re just the “other guy” or whatever you don’t make a giant impact on their world.
Just make sure they don’t get the “i need a glass of water” gene that every other kid developes when *ahem*..no I don’t think I’m gonna go there
Right on, Wil.
For about 2 years, I found myself babysitting the toddler daughter of my best friends (who lived with us for a while) and I actually ended up spending more waking hours each day with her than either of her parents did, due to their long work hours. Her parents weren’t terrible or anything, but I have to admit quite a bit of pride in seeing a lot of things I taught her or that she absorbed from me showing up in her: a love of music and singing, advanced hand-eye coordination, some sign language, a love and respect for animals. It’s all really cool to know that I’ve had an influence on her that will hopefully last her whole life.
Now that they’ve moved 7 hours away, and are in the middle of a nasty divorce, it’s even more poignant for me, and I hope that, at least on a subconscious level, she understands that there someone else out there who loves her and cares for her as well. Even though she was so young when she left my life, I hope that she will always remember me.
It’s unlikely that I’ll ever be able to have kids of my own (for many reasons) but being able to be an important part of the life of any child is an amazing gift. You are blessed, Wil, and even more so for realizing it.
Have a wonderful weekend with your family, and we here at the posse will hold down the ranch while you’re gone.
That’s is so great that you get along with them the way that you do. Some men don’t even bother trying to be fathers,it’s like that saying
“Anyone can be a Father-it takes alot to be a Daddy.” Even though they don’t call you dad they still have the respect for you- after all they are rubbing off from you right?
So few real men in this world—
Anyhow on this whole week leftover of love hope you and the family have a good one.
Lots of love to you Wil,Anne,Ryan, and Nolen
Take care of each other—- 🙂
sometimes kids just kick ass!, i know its not the same thing cause they aren’t my kids, but once in a while i can totally see my influence on the kids that are there everyday until 6. and the good things that rub off on them just makes me so happy. the coke habbit that they got from me isn’t so good, but we can’t win all the time can we?
Wil,
Thanks for sharing your experience with your kids. You are living proof that family is where you find it…and at the end of the day, the sense of family has little to do with blood relationship.
My three step-children and I get along well, though they were considerably older when my wife and I got married than yours are now. The hardest thing for me to learn was that I couldn’t fix everything…like being emotionally abondoned by their father and their issues being raised by a single mom. They are gradually letting go of the negative and moving on as they accept that life and parents aren’t perfect.
It doesn’t sound like you need to worry about what kind of contribution you’re making to them or how close you feel now. You have plenty of wisdom…it’s only going to get better.
Nolan and Ryan are so lucky to have a cool step dad. So often step dads are horrible to their step kids.
I personally am one of those freaky people who’s biological parents are still married and living happily, however, all the step kids I’ve known have been miserable with their step fathers.
Two kids, I know from personal first hand experience that their step father was an ass hole. He would get drunk, order them around, and I believe he even went as far as hitting them before, but I was never present for anything like that. I do remember that he loved yelling and making them jump at his slightest command…he tried that on me when I would visit them, but it never worked. Which effectively banned me from visiting their house ever again :rolleyes:
Those kids are lucky Wil, to have such a cool step dad like you. Don’t ever become one of those step dads who think the kids are nothing but spare luggage.
Wil,
That was an amazing post. It really took my breath away. Wow.
Have you ever thought about trying to get published? I feel somewhat selfish that I’m part of a relatively small group of people privileged enough to read your writings. Your musings are too good to be tucked away in a corner of the internet. Just my opinion. 🙂
Steph
Aw, shucks, I got a little teary-eyed there. I can’t wait til mine can talk.
From time to time life just gives you a big ol’ snuggly hug when you least expect it.
If they start asking where the Louis Prima CD’s are, be afraid. Be very afraid.
Wil, that was some quality writing. It would require some background for new readers, but all in all, I could definitely see reading it in a magazine as a standalone piece.
this is my first time posting but ive been reading for awhile now. i think its really great how you see a bit of yourself in your step-kids. it’s kind of the same with me because i’ve helped raise my siblings [3 boys and a girl] and sometimes i’m amazed at what they pick up from me. i try to be the best influence on them and that’s really the hard part.
anyways, thanks for sharing that with us, wil. i think you’re a pretty cool step-dad 🙂
hope you have a great v-day filled with tons of love! take care..
I can’t believe it!
After reading that story I started to feel broody!
You are a master story teller Wil. You have managed to make a 24 year old, commitment shy, male feel broody!
Its not natural I tell you!
I know you hate this shit and I apologize in advance. I have completly dissasociated you from your characters. In real life you are way cooler.
My stupid point is that there is an episode of TNG. It is the worst ever where Wes hooks up with some alien morphing chick and is all sad about it. The only good writing in the entire episode is at the end with Wes and Gianan where she says something like, you will never get over her and everyone you love you will love differently.
I think it is way cool that you have this relationship with your kids. My question is how would it make it for them to call you Dad?
Second question, Do you like Coldplay, GoldFrapp, or Portishead?
Woo!my first post!Groovy!
Well any way….I totally understand about how you feel when the kids seem to act like you.
I’m only 18, so I dont have any kids (thank god, for now anyway) but my mum used to look after a litte girl(4 years younger than me) nearly every day, all day, whilst her parents were at work, and we were great friends with the family so went on holiday with them once/twice year….so we were nearly ALWAYS togther, so whatever I wanted to do, she copied me…..and even now when I dont see her so much cos she doesn’t need looking after, she still shows the same traits and sense of humour and catch phrases I do……which is really nice for me for some reason. But scary cos shes exactly like me……poor girl.
You didn’t cry because you were a badass or cool or tough or whatever.
You didn’t cry because Wil BE MANLY!
And I meant that in the best possible way.
And perhaps some of that MANLY-ness is rubbing off on the kids.
Who knows? There are worse thing to be rubbing off on the boys. Like Jun.
wil – kewlness man… i’m a step-dad too, but her dad passed away when she was 2, so she calls me daddy… it is true though – i see myself in her so often it scares me. i have a 13 year old son who is my clone, and thats bad enough, but a daughter who is 10, and already almost a clone too…. i’m definitely in for it… enjoy it while you can though, they grow up faster than you think. my youngest is 10 months already – seems like it was yesterday we brought her home from the hospital…. laterz br0…
You know, let’s talk about this music thing…
Well, wait.
Let’s talk about me, first.
My wife got me this really cool book, and I shat you not:
“Who Moved The Cheese”
So, for all the cool stuff Anne just did, there’s another one out there.
But, Wil knew that, for he’s seen/heard of the erasables…something I’m proud to say that I did not create.
Ahh, but back to the music. (Is this VH1?)
When we endure long, never-ending roadtrips to the lovely, corn-infested (or is that incested?) trips to I-O-Way, we play this game (okay, maybe it’s just me):
Me: Who sings this song?
Wife: Warrant?
Wife: Great White?
Wife: Poison?
And, the problem is that it’s usually someone easy like Van Halen (you know you’re holding up your hands and doing the VH sign like Wil does)…
And, she’s deadly serious…even though Warrant’s only song is like “Cherry Pie” or something, it’s still one of her stock pile answers.
And in completely related news, Warrant plays near us in Chicago at the end of the month.
Wil Wheaton-fest at Shark City in Bloomingdale for one bad-ass evening of Warrant.
Roxxor!
Wil,
Isn’t it great when you realize you’ve influenced them in such lovely ways? One day my husband, my daughter, a friend & I went out together. My husband & our friend were being very much guys. My 8 year old daughter looked at me, and said “Mom, we can’t take them *anywhere*.” We all cracked up, and I allowed as she was correct. It’s a beautiful thing. Enjoy your weekend, Wil.
Ellen
Very often, I look at my daughter and think to myself, “Am I being a good enough dad to her? Do I spend enough time with her? Shouldn’t I get of the farking web site and play with her? How can I be a better parent?”
So far, I guess she’s adapted well. If she’s not napping when I get home from work, she runs over to the door and gives me a great big hug.
But that leads me to one thing that I’ve heard from other people when I voice these concerns. And that is, if you’re even thinking those thoughts, then it’s pretty obvious that you care very much about your child(ren), because there’s too many people out there that don’t think of their own kids that way, if they think of them at all.
So in your case, I’d say you’re way ahead of the game.
Don’t you hate it when you screw up your spelling by actually inserting a similar sounding word?
Or forget how to press the shift key?
Wow – that was so great, not only your interaction with your kids and the way it effected you but that conversation you related between Nolan and his friend….just wow.
Elisa
What cute kids! 🙂
Great comments, Wil!! You get along better with your step kids than I sometimes do with my own son. Children enrich our lives in so many ways. To the real reason I wrote, NPR had a bit a blogs on there and I was hoping they would talk about you, but nope. Should have been anyway. Have fun with Miss Anne and look forward to reading you on Monday.
Nolan and Ryan are so lucky.
My parent’s musical influences were eclectic in the extreme. While they introduced me to some KICKASS R&B like The Four Tops, they also got me into other bands…
Like the Moody Blues…
…and Jethro Tull…
…and Procol Harem…
…and [shudder] John Denver.
They are my guilty pleasures, and I never listen outside my car without headphones, and black electrical tape over the cd case as to not tip my hand to my dorky musical tastes.
Lately, I’ve been listening to the “Wrath of Spudnuts.” It’s toe-tapping, you Klingon Bastard.
That is so cool. Your wife sounds way fun! I am always impressed by someone who isn’t afraid to make some noise for the sake of a joke.
After reading this I thought for about 1 second that it might be cool to have kids, then I came to my senses. I just want step-kids I think. Nah, I take that back, I’ll just corrupt my friends kids. Ya know, my 12 year old half sis is enough, no that I think about it. I’m gonna go play Final Fantasy X now.
Happy Valentine’s day Wil and all readers!!
I’ve been a bit jelous of the friend of one of my sisters. She has such a wonderful step-father. My mom’s ex-boyfriend who lived w/ us for years was the exact opposite. When my sister’s friend would be over our house she’d say things like “My step-dad would never do something like that!” I was so relieved the day he moved out. But I still think of him sometimes. One person told me he finally OD’d then another person told me he finally checked himself into rehab. I hope it was rehab. As much as I’m still hurt by the things he said and did to my sisters and me, I just really hope he finally sought the help he needed so much.
Anyway. I’m not really jelous of my sister’s friend anymore. I’m just very happy for her and glad such a wonderful person is my sister’s friend. And I’m very happy for you, Wil, & your family, that you all care so much for each other and also respect each other.
Kids rule! While I don’t have any myself, I am in the great position of being Auntie to ummm lesseee… 10 nieces and three nephews. When my oldest niece was only a few weeks old (18 years ago) a bunch of us got together on the Air Force base where her parents lived and had a party. At some point one afternoon two of my sisters and I were playing with “Kris” and we decided to teach her how to stick her tongue out. I went first — stuck my tongue out at this little six-week-old baby. After a few tries she got her little tongue out there and we all just were sooo tickled! You’d think we’d just introduced her to nuclear physics or something.
Anyway, these many years later, I really enjoy meeting these new little kids and seeing them all interact as my sisters and I used to interact with our cousins.
We got together in early December because my youngest sister was one of the Olympic torch bearers. At the hotel (where we’d rented six rooms along one hallway) we had a big Christmas party for the kids and it got pretty rowdy. After we got the kids to bed, I had to go into one of the rooms and shush the little girls late one night — and I felt like such an ogre when I had to go in there. Next day one of the kids came up to me and told me that even though I was “one of the adults, we all think you’re cool.”
Wow. I hardly ever see them, but they know all about me (and the other aunts and uncles).
Even when they’re being noisy little jetsons, I still think *they’re* cool. You learn a lot from kids — more than you might think.
I can’t believe it! Uncle Willy has sold me out!! You and my wife schemed this post up to give me the dreaded “baby fever”, didn’t you?!?! Don’t lie to me I can see right through your feeble attempts at making me want to reproduce. Well your efforts have been in vain. ha!HA! In *vain* I tell you!!!!.
BTW, I’m not all bad, this would have no effect on me if I didn’t love kids so much.
Wil, 1)you’re the MAN (as I have stated on my website)
2) would you please tell my husband that this is not some ploy that I (along with your help) cooked up in order to give him the “fever” (aka baby fever, the desire to procreate). I have in fact, never conversed with you via email or by any other means.
Any assistance you could provide me in this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Wil,
You need to get some permalinks to people can directly link to stories like this. Althought it might not seem like it that was a great story for Valentine’s Day.
Oh…this is all so sweeeeeeeeeeet…But very
true..You do not realize how much influence is
there by just “being” with them..day in and day
out. Being first hand in the “son with a step-
father” catergory ..My ex husband was my son’s
best man at his wedding..even tho his biological
father is still alive…Very luckily my son has
inherited “by osmosis” the very best traits from
BOTH men..However it was way cool that he chose
his step-dad to stand up for him.
You Mr. Wheaton (sir) are on your way there also.
..you are obviously doing a great job.
HAPPY V. DAY ya’alll…………..
Oh and espec. to Spudnuts wherever you are!!
(yeah yeah vacation and all that crap..we should
have had a automated Spuddy to post while he was
gone..Now WHY didn’t HE think of that?)
that’s super-badass, wil. kids are the coolest. i sound like a geek…but i know ya’ll with kids (and step-kids) know what i mean.
Hearing that, I wonder what sort of impact I’ll leave on my neice – I’ve lived with her her whole life (18 months) and I’ll be around on a weekly basis after I relocate closer to work. Will she get any of my mannerisms that are different from my sister’s?
It sounds like you had a great evening, even if the rest of your day was busily work-like.
Wil,
It’s good to see step-parent relationships that are positive, nurturing, and apparently cherished by everyone involved.
I call my stepfather “Dad,” though it’s only recently that I’ve become comfortable doing so. I never knew my real father, and growing up it was just me and my mom. So when Mom got married when I was 14 (a decision which she courageously elicited my input and approval on), I had never called anyone Dad. The word simply didn’t come easy to me, and it was a long time before I could use it.
But even though I called him by name, and even though I had other father-type figures in my life before him, he’s my Dad. He may not be my FATHER, but he’s my Dad if you understand the difference there. Just about any schmuck with testicles can become a father. It takes someone special to be a Dad. Just about every day I see his influence in me, especially in my interraction with my 3-year old son.
They’re your kids Wil. Even though you didn’t father them. And because of the relationships that you have forged with them, they will see you with the same eyes for the rest of they’re lives. I respect your stand on them calling you Dad, but don’t sell yourself short. That’s exactly what you are.