I am so damn handy. Today, I replaced a messed up sensor light which hangs on my garage. Turned the power off and everything. Then I replaced a fixture in the kitchen, and turned my sights on this area under the kitchen window where nothing will grow.
I “planted” 30 pounds of black river stones over the dirt, until I can think of something better to put there.
I was so damn handy around the house, I told my wife to turn on the porno music, because I was comin’ inside, “to get a drink”.
Well, it’s all true except that last part. I wasn’t coming in for a drink! Oh yeah! Yeah baby! Woo!!
Wait. Wait.
That’s not true, either. I came in for a sandwich, and then we went back to Home Despot for more hardware and stuff.
See, the thing is, we’ve lived in our house for 2 years, and we haven’t taken care of any of the things we said we’d take care of when we moved in: the lawn still looks like shit, the ugly wood paneling is still on the walls in the living room and family room, and the ugly brass lamp hangs over the dining room table.
But all of that is about to change. Thanks to the sense of empowerment we got today when I hung that damn light fixture, all by my self, in my big-boy pants, Anne and I have made…A List(tm).
That’s right, folks, A List(tm). On this list is everything we want to do to our house, how much it will cost, and when we’re going to work it out.
Next on the list? Rent a roto-tiller, tear up the ugly-ass lawn, rake out the lumps, dig trenches, install sprinklers, and lay down sod.
Sounds expensive, doesn’t it? It’s not. We can do the whole thing for about 50 cents a square foot, total. Because we’re doing it ourselves, we’ll be saving literally thousands of dollars (which we don’t have, anyway…but I’m hiring Arthur Andersen as my new accountant…I’m an overnight millionaire!)
Once that is done, we will focus our attention on the ugly 1970s-homemade-porn-backdrop-style wood paneling which is currently offending all standards of good taste by hanging in not 1, but 3 rooms in our house.
There’s a rumor that I’m going to have Gallery up and running very, very soon, as well…so that means lots of before and after pictures of our rooms…and pictures of my handyman butt crack.
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“big boy pants”
hee…that makes me laugh so.
OMG! It’s Wil, the Refrigerator Repairman! 🙂 Way to go, amigo. Lists (TM) are the only way to go.
Wil, you should really get out more.Way to excited over chores.
Last time I put on *my* Big Boy Pants, it cost me a couple hundred dollars and a great deal of dignity. Note to self: tiling floors while mildly inebriated is a Bad Idea (TM).
~ j.
Yeah, tear down that nasty paneling… then you can put up some crushed red velvet wallpaper. 😛
I wouldn’t go posting the buttcrack pics tho, you might get a few people hot…
Good luck on the home improvement.
Dude, If I call you, can you come fix these dorms? They blow ass.
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Wood panelling is hella ugly…. it was the first thing we removed when we moved in here over a decade ago…. the second thing we did was re-paint over the shit apple green walls that filled 95% of the house…. God…. the 70’s had some fucked up interior designers.
I’m jealous of being able to tackle this stuf in farken Feb!
In Colo, we’re finally warming up from a couple days high temps of 10. That’s in Farenheit too.
Well, I’ll just have to strap on the skis instead.
1) when Wil rights funny stuff, I’m reminded of Dave Barry
2) Does wil even know how to use a rottotiller?
Yay! The gallery! Let’s have a party.
Hey! I have wood paneling on my house…
My mom was talking about renting a rototiller just today. Wow. What a coincidence. Maybe we have psychic connections. Maybe not. O.o What?
ESpark… I think a better question is has Wil even SEEN a rototiller…. and if he has seen one… how likely is he to run himself… or poor Ferris over with it.
I wish we owned a house. We move too much. Dammit, I wish we could settle down.
Oh man, I’m starting to sound cranky.
More caffeine, NOW.
And I thought my wife was the only one who ever referred to it as “Home Despot.”
what’s a rototiller?
He He He you said Crack!!!
Way to go- you do that handyman thing!At least your doing stuff around your house, my hubby uses his job as an excuse to not help- well most of the time, he does try sometimes
and after you take down your nasty a. wood paneling, my address is….
Did Wil just say he was hung like a garage?? or am I not reading it right.
ROFLMAO
I’ve got one of those lists. It’s one of those lists where the more things you cross off the list, the longer it gets.
You could always call up the folks at TLC and ask to be on “Trading Spaces.” Then they could re-do your house for you… in *cough* wonderfully tacky bold colours and plywood fixtures. Just hide your ceiling fans….
And speaking of rototillers… last year I was working in this office in downtown Indianapolis, and I was in the copier room making a fax, and I looked in the corner, and there it was… a rototiller. And it had dirt on it.
Two things came to mind at that point… Who would need a rototiller in the middle of downtown Indianapolis, and why is it in the copier room?
Weirder yet, was that no one in the entire office could explain just why there was a rototiller in the copier room…
It’s probably still there.
LOL kendoka, I was gonna mention Trading Spaces but ya beat me to it! Would be funny if he got Hilde… he’d wind up with puke green vinyl walls and hay on the floor…
kendoka…word on the ceiling fan thing.
I’ve never seen anyone with such a…THING against ceiling fans before! She always takes them down and replaces them with some tacky home-made light fixture… even when the homeowners say, “Leave the ceiling fan alone.” But she doesn’t. AURGH! Just leave the goshdarned ceiling fan alone! It was probably there for a reason!!! (;
(This is what happens when one winds up home sick for a whole week….)
Wood paneling. I’m still in denial about my experience.
And good call on the Dave Barry comparison.
wow! i cant wait for the gallery! i got all excited the other day when there was a link to the pic of the bird feeder! i clicked it, saw it, and got way too happy! then i clicked the gallery link, and it didnt work, and i was mightily dissappointed (does anyone else have NO idea how to spell that? i never do)
so yeah…im excited for that, except for the handyman butt crack…thats never sexy…not even on you wil!
anyway
must be going, as the thought of seeing that posted on the internet for the world to see and mock is making me ill, and i need to rest my head!
oh well…i love you anyway wil!
colleen~
Ohhhhhh…. kendoka… sick or not you gotta watch TS on March 9. The home owners from the one that will air then are *pissed.*
how do you know this kendoka?
++++++++++++++++++
Ok, lets not be dissing the wood paneling. That covers one wall in my living room. And the other 3 walls are light green.
Next I suppose you all will be making fun of the blue SHAG carpet in my bedroom and guest room.
Well I guess I should next get me some of that indoor plumbing and electricity but at least not until they pave the road to my house.
Which paragraph am I lieing about?
DAH! I mean, how do you know this Thumper!!!
*geesh*
Wil,
This is too funny!
One, the fact that you and Anne are working on your “List” tm… I am an obcessive list-maker, and I drive my husband nuts. We’ve painted our entire house, put in new carpet, built shelves – all the good stuff. We’re not nearly done, but the place is looking pretty sharp. I have a pretty good selection of power tools, and I’m not afraid to use them!
Two, guess what the next contest on worth1000 is? Take somebody famous, and put them in a “day job.” Well, before I read your post tonight, I had dinked around with a few ideas, then decided to go back to my own unglamorous roots. I had a painting company in college. Paid the bills, but it was hard work. So, my next entry on worth will be…… Wil Wheaton as a House Painter! (It’s 10:44 PM on the East Coast, and the contest doesn’t start til tomorrow, so you’ll have to wait to see how you look in white overalls, with blue and yellow paint smudges on your face!)
I probably won’t win. But, if you need any “Harry Homemaker” hints on painting, let me know. I’m a semi-pro!
(Oh, glad you turned the power off before you did your electrical work. We lose a lot of newbies that way.)
Corky
What are you going to do with Jimmy Hoffa’s body when you find it?
John McGregor
“Ohhhhhh…. kendoka… sick or not you gotta watch TS on March 9. The home owners from the one that will air then are *pissed.*”
Alas! I’ll have to catch that one on the re-runs… I’ll be in ENGLAND, working off my jet-lag. (;
“how do you know this kendoka?”
How do I know what? The ceiling fan thing? Because in the eight episodes I watched (I was home sick for a week, mind you…) she took down every ceiling fan she encountered… even when this one couple said, “We really don’t want anything done with the ceiling fan. We like it.” But she messed with it anyway… and BROKE it!!
What did I say? Leave the ceiling fans ALONE!!! (;
Didn’t you know? Hoffa is hangin out with Kennedy and Elvis…
oh, and Tupac.
It’s all VERY hush-hush.
See, Star Trek did give you some good training.. 🙂
the thought of tv’s wil wheaton being allowed near gasoline powered lawn tools is downright frightening.
My husband and I (well my husband anyway) did the same thing to our backyard. It took him two days to rototill it. He borrowed his friends, so that didn’t cost any money. All we had to pay for was the sod. 300 bucks later, we had a pretty damn nice looking yard. Make it into a guy party (alchohol of course) and you can have a new yard in a weekend. That is, of course, as long as you wait until your done to start drinking. Otherwise, it might take you a month. Good luck!
oh yeah, tv’s wil wheaton, a rototiller, AND alcohol
I’ll sleep much better now, thank you
Wil, after you’re done, wanna come over and paint our house? The previous owners painted it so that it looks like an easter egg exploded inside it, I kid you not.
But at least we don’t have wood paneling to deal with!
Crack kills.
the nice thing about having the wood paneling in the house is you can re-enact those Calvin Klein ads, shoot some polaroids, and sell them on ebay.
I’m not worried about the rototilling. It’s the potential use of hand held power tools that has me concerned.
If you dont fix that gallery soon, I will put a curse on you, and you will forever be haunted by homosexual space hampsters, and a dead otter named Bill.
I’m trying not to think about interior decorating, anymore…
They’re doing renovations in my building… and didn’t tell us they’d be doing it until after we’d all signed our contracts. (Fricking residence hall directors… they have no respect for graduate students, either.)
They’re doing demolition work, ripping out all of the pipes, doing a complete HVAC, replacing the roof, and ripping out tons of asbestos.
You’d think we’d at least get a discount or a gas mask or something… d:
Wil, Wil, Wil….
You’re about to take that first step on the slippery slope of “fixin’ things up.” Trust me on this Wil — you *will* find yourself at odd hours wandering through Home Despot, slobbering over 3/4-inch wood screws and debating the strengths and weaknesses of different brands of dry wall with Anne… and getting into a heated discussion with the Nail Aisle service person over the relative merits of different kind of brads.
I can’t wait to hear about your adventures in the unfinished shelving aisle and the kitchen redesign center! 🙂
When we lived in Denver we practically knew all the tile aisle specialists’ names and their food preferences by heart we went there so often!
I envy you young Wheaton — setting forth on your earliest missions of Home Improvement. Spudspeed and damn the rototillers!
Seriously — welcome to the Home Despot fraternity. You’re no longer a casual visitor…
First of all…
Home Despot?
hahahahaha
And second…two porn references in one post? Does the wife need to start putting salt petre in your dinner?
😀
speaking of the house, what happened to the mice or did I miss that episode of WWDN?
Does assembling furniture count as being “damn handy”? I’ve put together a bookcase and a futon in the last day, all with minimal use of four-letter words and NO BUTTCRACK “INCIDENTS”. I’m particularly proud of that as you can tell. So, the bookcase has books on it and the futon has a cat on it, just as we figured would happen.
I’ve been in a Home Despot exactly once. That was enough. Of course, I have an apartment, not a house, so I may be biased. Owners tend to hate unauthorized home improvements!
IF you ever complete the list, you did better than anybody else, but won’t. It’s a never ending job. Good luck anyway.
IF you ever complete the list, you did better than anybody else, but won’t. It’s a never ending job. Good luck anyway.
IF you ever complete the list, you did better than anybody else, but won’t. It’s a never ending job. Good luck anyway.