I am so damn handy. Today, I replaced a messed up sensor light which hangs on my garage. Turned the power off and everything. Then I replaced a fixture in the kitchen, and turned my sights on this area under the kitchen window where nothing will grow.
I “planted” 30 pounds of black river stones over the dirt, until I can think of something better to put there.
I was so damn handy around the house, I told my wife to turn on the porno music, because I was comin’ inside, “to get a drink”.
Well, it’s all true except that last part. I wasn’t coming in for a drink! Oh yeah! Yeah baby! Woo!!
Wait. Wait.
That’s not true, either. I came in for a sandwich, and then we went back to Home Despot for more hardware and stuff.
See, the thing is, we’ve lived in our house for 2 years, and we haven’t taken care of any of the things we said we’d take care of when we moved in: the lawn still looks like shit, the ugly wood paneling is still on the walls in the living room and family room, and the ugly brass lamp hangs over the dining room table.
But all of that is about to change. Thanks to the sense of empowerment we got today when I hung that damn light fixture, all by my self, in my big-boy pants, Anne and I have made…A List(tm).
That’s right, folks, A List(tm). On this list is everything we want to do to our house, how much it will cost, and when we’re going to work it out.
Next on the list? Rent a roto-tiller, tear up the ugly-ass lawn, rake out the lumps, dig trenches, install sprinklers, and lay down sod.
Sounds expensive, doesn’t it? It’s not. We can do the whole thing for about 50 cents a square foot, total. Because we’re doing it ourselves, we’ll be saving literally thousands of dollars (which we don’t have, anyway…but I’m hiring Arthur Andersen as my new accountant…I’m an overnight millionaire!)
Once that is done, we will focus our attention on the ugly 1970s-homemade-porn-backdrop-style wood paneling which is currently offending all standards of good taste by hanging in not 1, but 3 rooms in our house.
There’s a rumor that I’m going to have Gallery up and running very, very soon, as well…so that means lots of before and after pictures of our rooms…and pictures of my handyman butt crack.
113 thoughts on “Cities in Dust”
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I was chuckling along the entry until my work weary eyes pounced on this;
“…and pictures of my handyman butt crack.”
Then I woke my family up with my manic laughing.
Damn you boy!
As for renovations…I’ve painted 4 rooms in my house- a fireplace (mom thought grey was too dull-the stone fireplace had to be white..) and pulled up carpet in 3 rooms- one being a wood floor underneath..
all that work and it’s not even mine….
thanks mom.
Good luck Wil
Bravo, Wil you’ve got a “list”, now get busy. hehe
My Dad used to make lists for us kids to do, of
course these were things he would never do
himself but, if we were there they would have to
be done. Hrmph Don’t get me started about wood
paneling for I live in a Mobile Home, shhhh
don’t say the T-word hehe, everywhere I turn
there it is staring back at me. For your sanity,
I hope that you watch a lot of Hometime(tm) or
Bob Vila is a personal friend, if not you may
very well find yourself saying, “Am I Crazy?”
Good luck in your journey to home improvement
enlightenment.
Mmmmmmm, Wil Wheaton ass-crack.
Dude…
If you’re SO inclined to get THIS excited over hourse work…
Wanna come to my place and wash my windows, do my dishes, and clean my appartment?
*LOL*
~Kaylin
Just you wait until she’s got you refinishing furniture….. My wife and I just refinished a dresser (painted bright glossy fire-engine red with gold handles), a matching mirror to hang above it, shelving for the kitchen, a 50s canning table for the kitchen, repainted a breadbox… you get the gist — I was looking forward to a relaxing week off; Instead, I went through the seven circles of home renovation hell.
And to put the icing on teh cake, last week she mentioned something about refinishing the hardwood floors.
Yeesh.
Wil Wheaton does Bob Villa – That should be interesting. Could do without the handyman butt crack though.
Have fun Wil! But watch out, it’s addicting. Before you know it, you’re spending your money on new toys in the form of way-cool tools!! 🙂
Wil, for the love of the gods, please tell me you put some kind of plastic down or something before you put the rocks down!!!
I spent most of last weekend at my best-friend’s house helping her and her hubby hoe and rake up rocks that the people who lived there before them put in their flowerbeds. They didn’t put any lining down, so as it rained, and the ground got soft, all the little rocks sunk into the ground….
I don’t even want to tell you how long we spent digging those damned rocks outta the ground.
Suffice to say, after many hours, many absolutely horrible rock puns, and a lot of cursing, we finally gave up and left all the little rocks in the dirt.
So please tell me you put lining down. Or you, too will learn the Curse.
But I’ll give you all our bad rock puns too.
I’d get up at the crack of dawn to see Wil Wheaton’s butt crack . . . or Wesley Crusher’s for that matter (He always seemed like a nice boy to me). Believe me, your gay following extends well beyond extra-terrestrial rodentia.;)
everytime I read the word rototiller, for some reason, my brain registers Rotwieler(sp?), you know, the dog? so I had to reread this section…it seems just as strange.
“I looked in the corner, and there it was… a rotwieler. And it had dirt on it.
Two things came to mind at that point… Who would need a rotwieler in the middle of downtown Indianapolis, and why is it in the copier room?
Weirder yet, was that no one in the entire office could explain just why there was a rotwieler in the copier room…
”
maybe it’s just me. and the fact that it’s 3am…and the fact that i’m crazy like a fox.
oh well.
whatever happened to the au naturale look? anyone? i happen to like yards that look like you’ve just walked into the woods. just keep the pathway cleared and the weeds out. ’nuff said.
The gallary may be up soon?!
*Reals back in shock*
Thats it! My day just peaked!
I had better go and explain that to my boss and ask if I can go home and lie down in a darkend room for a while until the excitment wears off. *Grin*
Now all we need is the rumoured return of Spongebob Veag$ Pants and my whole week is made!
Wil,
I thought up this great idea tonight while I was thinking. You and the guy who played Corkey in Life Goes On.. in a brand new pilot. This is the thing, you two are partners in a police force, and you solve wacky crimes. At the end of each episode, “corkey” says.. “book em’ wil” Then you, wil, turn and look into the camera, and wink!
Isn’t it a stroke of genius on my part? I thought so.. Lemme know what you think *wink wink*
Wil,
Are you sure you’re not talking about my house? My house is exactly the same, wood panneling in three rooms, bad garden, not to mention the green carpet and orange, psycadellic wallpaper!! It’s like I’m stuck in a time warp! Wooow you’re spinning me out!
Regards, Sanna.
About the Montreal Gazette thing; is this really just Wil Wheaton as Sally Field getting her Oscar? “You like me? You really like me?”
Course we do big fella. That’s why keep coming back here.
Hey Wil, I’ve been in my house just under 2 years (I’m the only grad student I know who owns her own house)and am still working on the fix ’em ups. The previous owner did NOTHING good for that house for 25 years, so you can imagine the ickiness I had to deal with when I moved in.
A word of advice (or two or three) – Unless you know what’s behind that wood paneling, don’t tear it out. It’s ugly and nasty and dark, but what’s behind it could cost you thousands of $$$. You can freshen it up much more cheaply if you just paint it (be sure to clean the walls and prime the first with Kilz).
As for the yard, you can cut down on lawn space by building lots of flower beds. Ponds and fountains are actually pretty inexpensive to put together and maintain. My other favorite is to use big flat stones laid out in a loose mosaic – it looks pretty, doesn’t get muddy and best of all – less mowing!
You really only need enough lawn for Ferris to use and then some more lawn for the boys to play on. Other than that, lawns are pretty useless – flowerbeds!!! The best way to go.
Ok, I’m going to stop Martha Stewart-ing (AAAAGHH – Martha attack!) and leave you alone.
Good luck with your list, I’m still working on mine.
Cities in Dust-what a great tune! Now it’ll be rummaging through my head all day.
And *grunt* power tools. More power! Ar ar aaaarr! (/Tim Allen)
I have sworn off Home Despot unless I absolutely have to go there. I prefer my neighboorhood Damman Hardware which actually has manageable aisles, and I can find something in less than 2 hours.
Besides my home projects usually go like this:
1. Buy stuff
2. Get organized
3. Start work
4. Realize I don’t have correct tool
5. Go back to store and buy more tools
6. Restart job
7. Realize part doesn’t fit
8. Go back to store to exchange part
9. Restart job
10. Realize tool I bought in step 5 isn’t right
11. Go back to store to exchange tool.
12. Repeat from Step 3 until frustration sets in.
So a speedy trip is imperative for me to keep the time involved with steps 1,5,8 and 11 to a minimum.
Good luck on your projects!
i, too, know the glory and the shame of The List.
we moved into this place a year ago, and we had to seal the basement floor so we could install carpet, put light fixtures in, and because the electrician was some sort of ring-tailed-moron-lemur, we had to put shims behing each and every light and electric socket before we could put plates on.
just make sure that, when you do this, that the electrician hasn’t stripped the insulation off of some of the wires, because electrocution is Not A Good Idea.
Our to do list is:
1) Finish the light fixtures
2) Put up shelving in the laundry room
3) Dry wall the holes in the ceiling in the laundry room that were made to fix the A/C
4) Paint
5) Figure out how to get a 125 gallon fish tank in the basement (okay, that’s my thing, i admit).
But man, once you actually *see* it coming together, domestic bliss is pretty damned cool.
HEY!!!!! I work for Andersen!!!!!!
Watch it bub!
Derek
Now I know you’re cool! I thought my husband and I were the only one’s that called it Home Despot. You rock.
Wil,
Do Take before and after pictures. You’ll be sorry of you don’t. I live in what must have been nearly the ugliest house in Canada (well, ok, Ontario maybe), and my husband has done so much good work on it. We haven’t taken ANY before & after pics and it pisses me off. I need to buy a digital camera damnit.
Welcome to the wonderful world of home improvement! Spending all your money at the D’PO (I call it the PO, because it will make you po), watching HGTV all the time, taking before and after pictures. You’ll love it, save $$, and get that warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction with a job well done.
You think wood paneling is bad? You should see the “powder” blue kitchen in my place! Ugh! The last tennant must have been color blind and the paint dept at Wall World (Wal*Mart to the rest of America) saw him/her coming and saw a chance to unload some crap for inventory. Yuck!
But.. Good luck Mr. “Fixit” Wheaton!
When I moved into my new apartment, three years ago, I remembered to take the before, during and after pictures, and I’m glad of it.
Except of course when I realize that I still cannot take some of the ‘afters’.
Don’t forget to take the ‘after’ pictures from a somewhat larger distance: you’ll have the physical 2D evidence that before (painting/removing panelling/whatever) the rooms looked a lot smaller.
Wood panneling? *cringes* My mom has that in her kitchen. No matter how hard I try to convince her she will not take it down!
There will be warnings before the butt crack pictures, yes? There’s just something about ‘but’ ‘crack’ and ‘handyman’ in the same sentance that is rather repulsive 😀
Handy with sensors? Hmmm…Maybe all those years of playing Wes paid off?
I’m afraid the but-crack is a pre-requisite if you’re doing any sort of manual labor jammiee….’course…in all my time in construction, I dun think I ever exhibited mines..
hey Wil, you really need to get yourself a heavy leather tool-belt to get that proper feel and look to the handyman but-crack…aotherwise it just looks like your wearing panta that are to big for you… yup yup yup.
Hey Wil,
Yes we have “honey do lists” at our house. “Honey can you do this? and “Honey can you do this….” get the picture. There’s always a house improvement project going on. Last year when we bought our house the first thing we did was change out all the light fixtures after we painted the inside. They were cheap gold looking ones. Think of hotel motel stuff. ewwww!!!
Then our back yard looked like a hay field, weeds and what grass where 4 ft. high. We plowed it under. For a while it was nothing but dirt.
I think my hubby gets some kinda of rush going to Home Depot. He can stand in front of a wall of nails, screws, bolts, paint whatever and he zones out. Like a kid in a toy store I guess. Power tools, are the worst. Must be some kinda of guy thing. Oh yeah, always takes at least 3 or 4 times going to hardware store to get everything he needs. So the day is shot before we can even get started. But it is nice to be able to say hey we did this all by our lonesome and guess what it all works! So have fun and laugh alot, it helps.
Wil,
It is time to devulge your secret identity. We all know that you are Bicycle Repairman! Don’t lie. We won’t tell a soul…
Call me crazy, but I love Home Depot. I think they should have a Bar and celebrate happy hour on Friday night…
That would definitly help while you had to wait in line. Happy Hour ! yipppeee
Well all I have to say is THAT picture would
be a fantastic way to “reopen” the Gallery..
Oh please Uncle Willy!
OH ..here in GA we call it “Home Desperate”
lol..miss ya’all
I would give damn near anything for the “handyman” photos. In fact, I have a Sears Premier card with a sky high limit…wanna work out a trade, Uncle Willy? (wink wink)
…And can I just say that The ‘Po (which has turned my house into a Home Away From Home Depot) really needs something like a bar or a booth out front that sells more than those freakin Costco hot dogs? I mean, if I’m at The Po, I probably need a stiff drink. Good call, Sharon!
Now I am having a idenity crisis..SEE ITS REALLY
CONTAGIOUS..Spuddy started it and NOW I don’t
even know my name and I’ve been coming here for six friggin months…blah blah..*** See post
above** for some reason this site forgot my
info and then I forgot my name!!!!!!!!!!!!***
Now I am having a idenity crisis..SEE ITS REALLY
CONTAGIOUS..Spuddy started it and NOW I don’t
even know my name and I’ve been coming here for six friggin months…blah blah..*** See post
above** for some reason this site forgot my
info and then I forgot my name!!!!!!!!!!!!***
Brice,
It’s not just a guy thing — I have been known to disappear into the bowels of Home Despot for hours at a time, contemplating the amazing numbers of products they have.
Our best coup at the local HD was the riding lawnmower gambit. We needed one (our house sits on a half-acre of flora that takes all day to mow with a push mower) and so we went up to HD and sat on every one of those little tractor guys. Then we saw one that looked more like a golf cart without the little awning. It was marked down because the box was missing, but it was the most fuel efficient and quiet of the bunch. So, we bought it and THEY BOXED IT UP FOR US and put it on a pallet and loaded it into our van using a forklift. It just barely fit.
When we got back here to the hacienda, we then had to figure out how to get it out of the van (not having a forklift handy). More than once I said to my husband, “Where’s transporter technology when you need it?”
🙂
(Can you imagine going to HD in 100 years and buying a transporter “kit”… )
for crying out loud, Wil, alt+0153! It’s amazing
After you get the tilling done, you can come sand my beat up hardwood floors.
Paneling can be painted to look less offensive. They hung it in my house to cover holes in the plaster walls. The painted panelling looks much better than the holey plaster.
I am one of the lucky ones in my apartment complex. The buildings are 30 years old. My unit and 3 others surrounding it were destroyed by a fire 4 years ago (way before my time there). The old ones have paneling in the living room area and dark brown cabinets in the kitchen.
Check this shit out – I DO NOT have paneling, have bright white cupboards in my small kitchen and, are ya ready, MIRRORED CLOSETS in my bedroom. Floor to ceiling, almost an entire wall full of mirrors. Yeah, baby.
Vickie
>>DAH! I mean, how do you know this Thumper!!!
Oh, I can’t wait for that episode.
I watched one, and I can’t remember the designer’s name, but she’s kinda a hippie (longer blonde hair), but she put frickin MOSS on these people’s bedroom walls. REAL MOSS! What goes thru these designers heads when they come up with ideas like that.
March 9, huh? I’m so there. Can’t wait to see what they did.
I always wanted to see a TS episode where one couple gets so pissed off by what happened that they haul off and kick the living crap out of the other couple. 🙂 Maybe I’ll get to see it on March 9th!
Or I could watch WWF, I suppose…
Although some chicks might like it, if I even see one hint of a buttcrack here, I’m gonna go kick your ass so hard that your pants will never dare crack again.
That’s not a threat, it’s a promise.
Wil,
I’m glad you got all this inspiration for house improvements. I get that way alot. Problem is keeping the drive going. You could have your own “Tool Time” program on PBS. I think it would fly…..
Teehee, my house has that ugly paneling too. I think it’s the funniest thing that I have ever seen.
does everyone watch TS?
i swear to god, hilde isn’t even allowed in my neighborhood, let alone my house.
RE: UGLY PANELING
Don’t try to rip it out – it can be a MAJOR headache (particularly if it is glued on, as is often true in addition to the nails), or if the underlying surface is not “paint ready” (it likely is not). What I did in my last house (as suggested by a magazine at Home Depot) is pait the paneling. It is easy to do as long as you first wipe it with a “deglosser” (basicly like a paint thinner, in the same area of home depot), then apply primer and paint. It looks quite nice and modern (and it really brightens up the room if you go with a nice light color). We did a huge room in a weekend, no problem.
Ah, I doubt you read down to the 100th comment anyway.
“Wil Wheaton does Bob Villa – That should be interesting. ”
HEY- some people are trying to eat here…
Jeez… YECH…
Butt crack. NO NO NO. Please mate. No matter how nice your arse (thats how we spell ass, here in chilly England) may be. Butt crack is a big NO!!! Too many years of scarring left by seeing my Dads builders bum, and his disapointing DIY
Sounds like a new shirt – WWBC, Wil Wheaton’s Butt Crack.
“Big-boy pants” made me laugh so hard my hubby actually got out of bed and came in here to see what I was laughing at!