Playing dodgeball yesterday up in Sacramento with Boomer and The Dave was a very traumatic experience, and it brought back all the painful childhood memories associated with goddamn fucking dodgeball.
Matter of fact, the only difference between playing yesterday, and playing in 3rd grade, was that I wasn’t crying when I walked off the court.
I still sucked, I still got hurt, I still felt humiliated and embarrassed when I tried to play…
But at least I knew why I felt so terrible when I was done: I just suck at dodgeball. I’m weak, I can’t throw, and that stupid ball always slips out of my hands when I try to catch it.
My wife, on the other hand, rules at dodgeball. In 6 games that we played, she was the last person left on our time 4 times.
So Dodge Club (har) really sucked for me, but I did have fun the entrire rest of my trip up there. Boomer and The Dave are really cool guys, and the whole crew from KWOD is always super hellacool to me when I visit them.
But I hate dodgeball, man.
I fucking hate fucking dodgeball so much, I could sit here all morning, and well into the evening, and rant about how fucking much I hate fucking dodgeball.
But I won’t.
I’ve got lots more to write, but I have to get to work and finish an Arena episode today, so I’ll briefly say:
The show last night was really fun. Holy crap there were TONS of soapboxers and posse members and farkers all in effect, and it really made me feel great.
I know that I got to meet lots of you, and that I had to literally run from the building to catch my plane (which had 4 people on it, including me and Anne) so I missed a few of you, and I’m really, really sorry that I didn’t have time to stop and talk and stuff.
Coolest thing yesterday: Hanging with Tiffany. Wow. What an amazingly cool person. She agreed to be a guest on the JKvS next month, so all of you who are in LA should come out and see us. I’m trying to get her on the May 10th show.
As I was running out to the car to get to the airport last night, there were a few people walking in front of me…and one of them reaches up, and puts a sticker on a stop sign, the way I put OBEY stickers on everything in the world. So as we approach the stop sign, I look up at it, and see that it’s a “Wil has a posse” sticker.
How cool is that?!
So I took a picture, which I’ll scan and upload next week sometime.
Speaking of pictures, here’s a color version of Sweet Uncle Willy.
If you’re looking for something to do today, you should check out The Mystery of Wil’s Pants over at Retrocrush.
Oh, and the Soapbox is fixed. Send your thanks to jbay.
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The serious look on the face it what sells it for me. Too Funny.
EEEEEEEEEEEK! Purple and pimpish! 😉
Here’s some concert photos of last nite
http://www.retrocrush.com/tiff/
Mack daddy pimps don’t hafta play punk-ass dodgeball anyway.
Then again, i nearly blew chunks at the color picture so I don’t feel too bad if you had your ass handed to you. (is that what you’re wearing when the Enterprise picks you and Worf up for Star Trek X?)
Big Uncle Willy can’t hadle dodge ball?!?! Oh well, at least you were pimpin’ in purple.
Did you steal Dolemites’ pimp cane?
I always got hit in dogeball too, and chosen last, but I still had fun. Trick is, lay low and dodge, and don’t try to catch it because I could never catch and then it would bounce out of my hands and be out….
That is not you. That is John Belushi!
Dodgeball sucks, was it the circle type, or the vs. type (where everyone gets to throw and dodge?)
I USED to be good at dodgeball. But now with my full ACL tear and arthritis…..
The important thing here is, I used to be good at dodgeball but I was NEVER in the movies (without paying, except when my grandfather was the ticket-taker at Proctor’s in Troy, NY) or on TV, and I might be funny with my friends but I don’t get the same laughs when I’m holding a microphone in front of a crowded theater. (yes, I have to sometimes) I wanted to be a singer/entertainer of some small degree. I can sing. Yes, I can. Don’t give me that. You can’t even cook…
Oh, where was I?
So who’s dream is in realization here?
Remember, being successful is all about trying to achieve. If you reach the plateau and satisfy yourself with that, you lose having a goal.
Oh, and I hope I was the first of 15000 to send the satirewire thingy.
You still rule in my book, Willy-man.
That picture just scares me.
Whoa… does Tiffany have a nose-ring now?
Nice color shot of you, Uncle Willy!
As far as dodgeball goes, I never was good at it either. Perhaps you should play by Australian rules next time. Full contact dodgeball? LOL I crack myself up.
Have a good one!
Poor Uncle Wil. Alot of people don’t like Dodge ball. The mystery of Wil’ pants, are quite the mystery. Bahm, bahm, bohm.
They say that Wil, he’s a bad mother…Shut your mouth!
Say, Uncle Willy, you need to time your Sacramento jaunts more in sync with my cross country visits to see my Grandma out there! By the way, you know the Kings are gonna be spankin’ some sorry Laker ass this year in the playoffs…
WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPS, BABY!!
Somehow I didn’t picture you as an advocate of vandalism Wil.
LAKERS!
With all due respect, Mr. Wheaton sir, you got to play dodgeball with Tiffany! I would kill for that opportunity!! I mean, like, holy crap dude! The only way I’ll get to be within 1,000 feet of her is if she lifts the restraining order. Seriously, I feel your pain. Dodgeball sucked donkey balls back in my younger days & it still does today.
To say it with the unforgettable words of Biayt:
EEEEEEEK!
Where ist Snow-white to sing her duet with Mr. Bluebird 😉
In matters of dodgeball remember: Sports is homicide with different weapons 🙂
Damn not living in L.A.
Why can’t you ever come to Winnipeg, Sparks???
Thanks. I didn’t realize the coat matched in the B&W Photo.
You saw Elena put that up there? Man, now I wish I’d turned around. 🙂
I was at the show last night but by the time I’d got the guts up to go say hi (I’m pathetically shy, go me) you had to dash, and that’s when we left, and as we were walking out Elena put her last sticker on that sign.
If you saw the rest of us walking with her, I was the one with the teal hair.
I’m sorry, Sparks, that IS just plain scary! Glad you had a nice time and sorry bout the dodgeball fiasco. I had the same problem all thru school. I didn’t get a decent grade in P.E. (above a C) until my junior year in high school. Shot the average all to hell. Anyway, that’s why YOU’RE an actor and I’m a mom! Too scary for me, hon!
Is no one going to mention the ankle watches?
*trying so hard to not say anything*
*face is turning blue*
*bites lip*
Wil, Wil, Wil. *shakes head* I dunno man!
That’s not Sweet Uncle Willy. That’s Sweet Uncle Paul McCartney!
wil you look so different in that picture!
i hate dodgeball 2.
BLAZERS!
(somebody from Portland had to pipe up…)
Alright Wil, go on and keep up with that Lakers smack until Shaq bruises his Poor Wittle Toe again ; )
The Kings will rule your town.
RULE, I say.
*rubs eyes*
Ow.
That outfit is hypnotic, or maybe like a bad acid trip.
You think Dodgeball is rough!?! You should try British Bulldog. Many a breaktime in school was spent in the nurses bay, receiving treatment after being pounded on playing it! Not to mention women’s rugby. Don’t get me started on THAT!!! (lol)
And by the way Wil. I have Se7en words for you in the pimp get-up.
“All for one and one for all!”
I ruled dodgeball in sixth grade. No, seriously… I just could not be hit. Sixth grade dodgeball was the high point of my life. I had groupies and a dodgeball entourage.
Do not ever EVER fucking challenge me to dodgeball, y’all, because once your body learns the way of the ball you NEVER forget.
I am STILL the Michael Dudikoff of American middle school dodgeball.
I am like the wind, the misty, misty mist across a misty harvest moon.
GONG!
Where is the ball?
GONG!
Not on me, motherfucker.
Not on me.
Fuck you.
Hit me.
C’mon.
COME ON!
HIT ME!
You got nothing.
Shut up!
OMG I never understood what OBEY was – that is one of the most BRILLIANT things I’ve ever seen. And so is this familial spin-off. Can I be a member of Wil’s posse? LOL! Guess I am!!!
OBEY is ALL OVER Dupont Circle and Georgetown…
Love the Retrocrush pic too. ALmost got my in troube trying not to laugh in class. =D Why do I get so much pleasure out of peeking into the lives of people I’ve never met?
Ive just seen the outfit on retrocrush?!?
Tell us that you never went out in public like that for gods sake
that photo of Will in the bad/torn jeans takes me all the way back to when everyone wanted to bitchslap him… memories
Wow. That color pic screams out that Lions & Ghosts have reformed and Uncle Willie is going to be the Mayor of Bootytown! Or maybe Jellyfish has reformed and Wil’s going to try his luck at singing? Or maybe it’s for the upcoming Baretta remake and Wil’s playing “Huggy Bear”?!!?
Btw, for those not old enough to recall late 80’s and early 90’s psychedelic bands like the two aforementioned, I highly suggest going onto to e-bay and looking for the following: “Velvet Kiss, Lick of the Lime” by Lions & Ghosts and “Bellybutton” by Jellyfish. I’m certain Uncle Willie wouldn’t mind one bit! LOL!
Wow, a lot of people hate dodgeball. I loved it!
When I was a teacher’s aide in an elmentary school last year the best part was when they let me play during gym class. I rocked when I was little (usually last one left), but when the kids you’re playing with are a foot shorter, you become a target. =)
BTW anyone else think it’s scary sounding that in the dodgeball article King of the Hill is referred to as King of the Mountain? Got some vicious kids there.
Coinickdinks man.
I’ve got my first Dodgeball game of the new year down on OSU tonight.
I suck.
I mean hardcore.
I’ve got the Dodge thing down pat but I suffer a genetic problem of great magnitude.
I throw like a girl.
But I think through training I could work towards an almost non-suck throwing thing.
Either that or I’ll turn it into a game I rule at.
Rugby.
My sympathies regards sucking at dodge ball. Try being a head taller than everyone in class and going to a CATHOLIC GIRLS’ SCHOOL and sucking at basketball. Talk about trauma.
One of the major perqs of adulthood is being able to say, “No,” when I get invited to partake of athletic activity. No thanks, I’ll keep my gangly klutzy ass here on the sidelines, thanks so much …
Sorry to hear about the dodge ball game. I loved playing if I was the one throwing the ball but I hated being on that feckin’ wall.
Thank you so much for getting the board back up so fast. I wasn’t expecting it to be fixed until sometime this weekend. So thank you to you and Jbay for working on it.
Sweet Uncle Willy looks kinda like a heavier version of Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes.
Oh my God Wil, that picture of you on Retrocrush?!
That’s kinda unforgivable!
You MUST give an explanation!
Don’t think of it as vandalism Christopher Hearns, think of it as culture jamming.
I never knew you played harmonica, Wil. Cool.
Purple!! Woo hoo, my favourite colour!
You are DA MAN ;D
Oh, that new color pic is suh-weet!
Sorry the dodgeball stuff wasn’t more fun for you. When i was a kid, I *ruled* at that game. One time I had the luck to pelt the shcool bully right in the leg- he was wearing a cast on the other leg, and damn, it felt so good to see him go down! I mean, if he wasn’t fit to play the game, he shouldn’t have been on the court!
Okay, now that you’ve seen the evil side of me, I’m gonna scoot!
Hey Matsushita – are you gonna do an aural rendering of the latest Spudnuts? It’d be short, but beautiful. The Rant of Dodgeball.
Damn Wil, you get hotter and hotter every time I see you. Sacramento loves you and so do the KWOD listeners, and don’t ever forget it. Hope you come back soon, you sexy man you!
Interplanet Janet: Nice Dirty Frank reference.
Wheres Wil Wheaton…..MY GOD HES BEEN ATE!!!
GO KINGS!!!! I GOT ME SOME PLAYOFF TICKETS.
Dodgeball: Its ok UNCLE WILLY…we will make the bad man stop. Hopefully you dont have too many bruises. So you said that the only difference is you didnt cry….YOU WERE A PRETTY TOUGH 3RD GRADER THEN…if you didnt cry then. Oooh how the years change us.
Lisa Marie
Hey dude I used to rule in dodgeball!!! but i also used to be a 85 lb weakling too so when I used to be the last one on the court with all the balls (no pun intented) my throwing it back didn’t always hurt them, Oh the humanity!!!!! make the bad memeory go away— ok so maybe i didn’t completely rule….BTW cool outfit- if your blind. 😛