On my way home from work about an hour ago, a really weird thing happened to me.
I was sitting in traffic, waiting for a light to change, and I looked at the car to my right. The driver was a girl, probably in her early 20s, talking on a cell phone. She was crying, really hard, and seemed to be really frustrated with the person on the other end of the line.
As I watched her, I noticed something: we were separated by only a few feet, but we were completely isolated from each other in our cars. Different cars, different clothes, different ages, different music on our radios (unless she was listening to Return of Saturn also)…just looking at her, I couldn’t tell if we would have had anything in common, other than our basic humanity.
I watched her, and I began to feel really badly for her. Just by watching her, I could feel her frustration with the person on the other end of the line, and it made me really sad, and I began to cry.
I cried, really hard, for close to 5 minutes, because of a person who I have never seen before, and will probably never see again.
I thought about what a metaphor that was for life, and the way we all deal with one another. We move through our lives, passing closely to hundreds of people each day, and we’re total strangers to each other. We keep our heads down, averting our eyes, rarely looking up to say hello to a stranger in the hallway. Even in our own families we isolate ourselves in our metaphorical cars, and stay in our own metaphorical lanes.
I wonder how different the world would be if we made an effort to roll down our metaphorical windows and say hello more often.
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Wil, you amaze me! Everytime. Take care. ch
Agreed, Wil you really impress me.
I’m happy to live in Georgia, where courtesy is still accepted and somewhat encouraged. But… I hate it when you can look at someone you don’t even know but you know what they’re going through and you just want to reach out to them but… it’s just hard to.
I was riding back from lunch with a friend yesterday. We were in his nice red sporty-car with the windows down and the sunroof open, listening to “Midnight Swimming” by REM. It was a beautiful day, and I suddenly just wanted to tell him that I was glad he was my friend, because it was just a great moment. But even in that, I wasn’t sure what he’d think of that and it might sound weird and and and etc etc. So I wimped out and told him by pager this morning. And you know what? He said “thank you”. So I agree… how much of that window is in our own car?
Working in an office makes you realize how superficial people are… “Hey how are ya doing?” “Pretty good!”. Yeah, they’re in danger of losing their jobs, scared to death, and that sort of thing, but it’s a chipper “Pretty good!” instead. Who are all these people I work with? Who are they, really?
Thanks for making me think, Wil.
A few years ago I found myself standing next to an elderly blind woman at a busy crosswalk. There were several of us waiting for the light to turn and when it finally did we all barreled ahead without much consideration for anybody or anything.
Suddenly I stopped, glanced back at the woman (who had yet to make a move) and offered to guide her across the way. She smiled behind her big, dark sunglasses and extended her hand. “Thank you,” she said.
“My pleasure,” I said as I took her hand and moved her gently into the street, careful not to get in the way of her zigzagging cane.
Our pace was slow compared to those bustling around us. My gaze darted from person to person, monitoring their movements, prepared to wave them aside if they got too close.
And that’s when I saw her: blonde, blue eyes, tanned, wearing tight black jeans and heels that matched her red halter-top. Her name was Rebecca. We worked in the same office. I was in love with her. She didn’t know my name.
For months I’d been building up the courage to introduce myself to her, to speak to her, to actually hold a conversation with her. But that bastard Brad Randall was always by her side. He was large and muscled. And he made Rebecca laugh. I hated Brad. I wanted him dead.
But he was nowhere in sight! Rebecca was alone! She was walking back to the office ALONE! This was my chance! Fate had smiled upon me. I had to make my move.
I turned and raced after her, weaving myself through the crowd between us. I wanted to call out to her but decided against it–I didn’t want to alarm her. I wanted to stroll up alongside. Saunter. Glide. Float.
And then I was there. We were walking in stride. I could smell her sweet perfume. Luscious lips parted her smile. I was ready. It was Now or Nev…
She was smiling? At who? I followed her gaze.
And saw Him. Brad Randall. The Beast.
I slowed down, falling behind her once again. I watched, as the Beast grew nearer. And then, just like that, Rebecca had fallen from my sights and into his arms. His enormous, ripped arms.
Bastard
Aww that was Sooooooooo Emo.
Wil,
I applaud your honesty with us, your web following. We are mostly a group of people/fans/friends/whatever who will likely never meet you. Yet you show no fear in opening up to us. That is commendable.
But it does bear asking then, why DIDN’T you open the window? You bear your soul to us, a bunch of faceless people at computers throughout the world, but you can’t open your window to comfort a crying woman in a car next to you.
I can tell you why you didn’t open that window.
It is because of the people that Jason (above) gave examples of. The women who say, “I can get my own door!” The guy who stares at you and says, “What are you looking at?” They are the problem, not you, but they put that thought in the back of your head for all others you meet on the street.
It all comes down to a natural fear of rejection that we all have. And worse off, being rejected in simply doing something nice for a nameless person you’ll never see again.
You didn’t leave the window closed because you didn’t care. Your postings these last few days show that you DO care, that you are a good guy. (Personally, I think the world could use a few more good guys…) You didn’t open the window because you didn’t want to be told to “Fuck off!” for being a good guy…
We need more people like the stranger who helped Hollie save her dog. (Best wishes for a speedy recovery, and getting your neighbor put away, again…) We need less people like the idiot calling himself Jesus.
Wil, don’t change. I may be new here, but I like the fact that you really seem to give a damn!
Jewels, I got what you were saying completely, as I admit to crying when hearing Pavarotti sing “Ave Maria” or Pink Floyd’s “When The Tigers Broke Free”.
Rob, love the “Tom Sawyer” quotes, my friend!
Peace.
I spent a year in a dorm at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. I befriended a guy who was a transsexual, going through the changing process. He had serious issues but most of the time had a positive attitude. He committed suicide by jumping off the bridge between East and West campuses. I’d known him for only a few months, but it was a very sad thing. I told my friends it was Terry; some of them had spoken with him some, some of them hadn’t known him all that well.
At the end of the year, I did the cheesy yearbook thing and passed around a book for people to sign. One friend wrote (I paraphrase) “I didn’t know who Terry was, didn’t know his name, but when you told me after he died, I realized that he’d been right there and I hadn’t known him. From that time on I’ve paid more attention to the people around me, making sure to learn their names and connect to them.”
Another instance: September 11th. I was at work, at a college in Queens, and I cried hard in my office for ten minutes, then went out and about among the students and faculty, trying to find something constructive to do. I was still choked up and teary at various times throughout the day. More than a month later, I met a student on the subway on our way in to school. He greeted me and we chatted a bit. He said he remembered me from September 11th, and when I asked why he said “Because you cried.”
I hear what you’re saying. I hope others hear as well.
Wil,
Perhaps you should go easy on the metaphors for a bit. You ought to be careful not to use so many up in one go: it would be dreadful not to know where your next one’s coming from.
Will,
Crying is good for the soul, I believe it helps it to heal. So crying can be a very good thing, as long as you don’t do it all the time. And the compassion you have shown to this stranger by shedding your tears for her is inspiring. We are all such strangers to each other these days.
John
Hi Wil!
You’re totally right! Maybe your thoughts were also influenced by watching news on tv. A week or two ago, some pupils were killed by a person running amok here in Erfurt, Germany. Although this person was on the same school, nobody really knew him, even his parents didn’t expect him to become a killer!!
Isolation is THE problem number one. People loose morality, don’t believe in god anymore and treat each other like shit, while often declaring this just as ‘fun’. That’s the cruelty which we define as the normality of life and because of this some sensible persons easily could get mad! Very often the reason for all problems is a kind of hidden intolerance to each other, because officially everybody HAS to be tolerant. But the reality is far different and law couldn’t get active in such cases, because these aren’t really established illegal actions. It`s a problem of morality and values in general.
That’s why I love Star Trek – “all for one and one for all” intstead of “all together and each one for himself”!
As has been said, many times, it’s not society in general.
I live in Northeast Wisconsin, and here, exactly what you wonderes happens. People reach out to strangers. People care. I don’t know what the difference is, but here, we’re still civilized and open to strangers and reacing out.
Again, as has been said, I still open doors for people, and am still thanked for the courtesy. I’m teaching the same to my kids. It’s a hackneyed cliche, but “random acts of kindness” will change the world if we all strive to do them.
Kahuna
I believe she was crying because she heard that Wes was cut from Star Trek X.
I know this is a deep story and I was moved by it but I had to make a funny ! WWDC Rocks !
Wil,
You know what? It’s OK to cry. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not.
Take Care.
Wil (hopefully you take a look at this) I have a great book that is totally on this topic. It’s called Happiness is a Choice and it’s by Barry Neil Kaufman… really excellent.
Not sure if you have noticed this, but read this post and the previous one right after it and it is kind of amusing. You go from AWWWW to useless motherfuckers in a split second.
With respect to such matters, there are two kind of people. Those who shut themselves away from the suffering of the world and the others who open the window and try to help. The second kind are rare because you need a strong inner strength to deal with the suffering. Imagine what the world would be like if more people opened the window and tried to connect?
congratulations Wil!
🙂
*big huggers*
you haven’t let humanity beat the humanity out of you.
Funny how kids and dogs always want the windows rolled down. I appreciate your emotion and the metaphor. Thanks for both.
Paul McCartney, as usual, has a perfect song for this occasion:
This One
Did I ever take you in my arms
look you in the eye
tell you that I do?
Did I ever open up my heart and let you look inside?
If I never did it
I was only waiting
for a better moment, that didn’t come.
There never could be a better moment
than this one.
Did I ever touch you on the cheek
say that you were mine
thank you for the smile?
Did I ever knock upon your door
and try to get inside?
What opportunities did we allow to flow by
feeling like the timing wasn’t quite right?
What kind of magic might ahve worked if we had stayed calm,
couldn’t I have given you a better life?
Did you ever take me in your arms
look me in the eye, tell me that you do?
Did I ever open up my heart,
let you look inside?
If I never did it, I was only waiting
for a better moment that didn’t come.
There never could be a better moment
than this one.
Xopher,
Heal first, ask questions later? Nah, sorry, sometimes people deserve their pain. They might even learn something from it, if they’re lucky. So why should I run to soften the blow?
Compassion, yes, but judiciously applied. I’m the type who used to reach out more than most in the past, but now I’m a bit more cautious now. My instinct is still to help (thanks to my parents, who were solid on their values), but I want to find out what the hell is going on, first.
Anyway, it’s fun debating these ideas with you … isn’t this an awesome forum? (oops, I guess that means this should be in the forum).
(Someone told me once that I always had to get the last word … damn, could it be true?)
Cheers,
Syn-er
Well, being the ridiculously friendly (and stupid) teenager that I am, I always try and make the effort to smile and greet people on the street but winding down our windows to talk to a complete stranger? Didn;t your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers?
wuss
the next time i see someone who is upset or crying — especially in a car next to me — i will say hello and assure them that everything will be okay.
the world should be filled with more like you, wil. you’re bad-ass.
Maybe the $340. for the picture will help. Or maybe giving that money to charity instead of buying a GPS will help. Can I just say I’m glad I got mine for $20.
I used to be that compassionate once, but a lot has changed. I don’t know how to trust or to let my guard down. I am a closed up introverted person who has learned to shut out the world for my own survival. Am I proud of this? No. All I can say is I am glad that there is at least one person out there capable of doing what I have lost the capacity to do. Keep it up, and forget those losers that have a problem with it.
You know what I like the most about my website?
Being judged by people.
That rules.
Wil:
You’ve proven once again why I so enjoy coming to this site. Your entries are sometimes humorous, sometimes saddened, sometimes confused or lonely or joyous or pissed off or content–but they are always varied, and they are never indifferent.
I once again come away from your site saying “Yep, this is the reason I’m liking this Wil guy…
“He’s me.”
And what I mean by that is that you’re just a guy, an average human being, out there in the world. You’re not trying to change the world in one sweeping, grand gesture–you’re trying to find those little ways that a single person can say “I liked that guy. He was nice.” You’re just working to find those ways to get be a good person, a good father, a good husband, a good friend.
Just like most of the rest of us. And that’s what makes your site a joy to visit.
Rock on. 😉
Wil wrote:
“You know what I like the most about my website?
Being judged by people.
That rules.”
Honey – you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.
there will always be asswipes, don’t let them get to you.
I can’t believe how incredibly shallow some people are.
Wil, for every idiot that wants to criticize you for being human enough to show your emotions, there are a hundred of us who think you’re amazing, for the exact same reason.
What a lovely, compassionate log entry. I’ve been visiting your site since an article on Slashdot last year and I’m so happy to have found it.
It’s amazing how even though our world has gotten closer together via the Internet, phones, tv, etc., we still don’t know the people closest to us.
I remember going to Disneyland when I was 8 or 9 and the Jungle Boat cruise guy asked us to turn around and introduce ourselves to the person sitting next to us. My Dad dutifully turned to the man sitting next to him and said we were from Eugene, OR. The guy said, “Amazing, so are we. Whereabouts?” Turned out the guy lived only 2 houses down from us–we had never met them before that instant.
So, yes, take the time to reacquaint yourself with family, friends and neighbors close by. And don’t be put off by opening a door, helping someone with their groceries, or smiling at a stranger. It will make a difference!
wuss
Gee, somebody had an epiphany…
…
Which gives me an idea, I’m gonna go for a walk today and say hi to some people to see if I can make this headache go away.
All of you who have posted a comment has shown that the world is a good place, you just have to look. Always believe.
I’ve often had that same thought myself, that he can come so close to other people, and yet be so encapsulated in our own lives that we fail to recognize that the person 3 feet away from us is another human being, and treat them accordingly. I hope you’ve given the posse a wake-up call.
As an afterthought, is it -really- wrong of me to think of people who cut me off as having no souls?
I read all the posts here (and there were lots!) and just want to add my two cents. Given the difficulties of stopping in traffic (and LA has crazies and road rage aplenty), I think that you would have stopped to help her had you been able to. One of the reasons you’ve been blessed with a lovely family and helpmate is that you have a duty to “pay if forward” if possible. Keep the empathy that Xopher applauds, in the face of all the jeers. Those that jeer are secretly hoping you’ll keep on, cause they need the hope you engender. Nolan and Ryan have a great stepdad!
I’ll go back to my corner, now! Karen
Wil, I just have to say, you rock. Emotion is good, it makes you human. The fact that seeing someone in pain made you sad is beautiful and touching, and I pity those poor, pathetic souls who would make fun of you for it. The world needs more people like you.
I grew up in a rural area and then moved to a medium-sized Ontario town in my early teens. I considered it normal for complete strangers to smile at each other for no reason, to offer to help an elderly person with grocery bags, or to extend a hand to a kid that had tripped.
I moved to Toronto two years ago, and it was a huge change. No one rolls down those windows here, and people look at me strangely if I smile at them and say hello. My husband even teases me for doing it, but he has lived all his life in the city and this is normal to him. I think it’s a city thing. People are so consumed by their own lives, so fearful of the so-called “crazies” out there, that no one takes the time to be friendly to a complete stranger. It makes me so sad.
Try smiling at someone today, and make their world just a little tiny bit brighter! =) Sometimes smaller cities have the right idea. Just imagine what would happen if everyone took the time to care.
*hugs* Wil. Never let your compassion die.
Wil, I cry easily; and, more embarassingly, I cry in public. Not on a regular basis or anything, but if something stirs up tears, I have a hard time holding them back. Just the other day, I found myself crying in public for a really stupid reason — because no one called to pledge support for my radio show — but it made me feel like a Big Failure, and as I left the station and headed toward my school’s computer lab, I realized I was … crying. Naturally, nobody commented. I didn’t encounter anyone I knew, only strangers, and they all looked right past me.
Anyway, after reading this blog, I can think that at times like the other day, there’s somebody like you who maybe DOES care…and just feels cut off, in their metaphorical “car.” Thanks. I really appreciated this piece of writing.
And by the way, REAL MEN CRY!!! Terry Taylor said so.
awww Wil your so sweet! i just started crying that story was just so sweet! 🙂
Okay, first off, I also found it very touching to hear of someone moved profoundly by the emotions of another. I’ve got enough of that and am sensitive to it that FWIW, I go out of my way not to open myself to it too much since it is *very* intense and I’ve got stuff to do as I go through the day.
But while I’m hearing a lot of support for “rolling down the window,” I’m also hearing a SHITLOAD of judgement directed toward those types who don’t necessarily want anyone to roll down the windows.
I find the expression of sympathy to be very touching and beautiful. But frankly, when I am in a bad way (read: crying, soemthing I despise doing but don’t mind when anyone else does it) the last thing I would want is for a complete stranger to stop and insinuiate themselves into the situation, even to offer sympathy. I KNOW people, and I’m sure that that girl in the car knew people as well. People who you can trust, people who you can go to and talk about the awful things that you feel — and it’s not everyone on the street. To share your innermost emotions like that is a tremendous privilege, and as lovely as it is to know that my emotions may move someone I don’t know, I have no intention of sharing them with anyone who asks about them. I’m sorry, but no — not everyone in the world deserves that privilege.
Am I repressed? I couldn’t give a shit if anyone thinks that I am. I’m just reading no small amount of sneering and superiority directed towards those of us crippled and emotionally illiterate poor sods who aren’t willing to share our innermost thoughts with anyone on the street. Nice way to present yourself as emotionally open — by throwing down on people who don’t deal with their most vulnerable emotions the “right” way.
Again, I find it sweet that someone would be moved by the emotions of another. But if I am in the throes of a gutwrenching emotional upheaval, I don’t want someone to try to “reach out” to me who doesn’t KNOW me. Why? Because I want someone to reach out to me because I know that they know me and care, not because they want to use my most private emotions as some sort of ideological proving ground for how we should relate to one another as a species.
Emotionally reserved and PROUD OF IT.
Janis! I’ve been waiting for someone to say that all day! Thank you thank you thank you!
You stated just what I’ve been thinking.
Noelle said:
I can’t believe how incredibly shallow some people are.
Wil, for every idiot that wants to criticize you for being human enough to show your emotions, there are a hundred of us who think you’re amazing, for the exact same reason.
my thoughts? puh-leeze! someone else who said this is “so emo” was so right on. it’s like sad, shoe-boy-gazer music. we can all, in theory, say , “reach out! say hello! hold hands and skip with a new person!” but in reality, how many of us will actually DO it? right. a veeery small percentage. some granola kids hurtin’ for some touchy-feely love stuff.
face it. we don’t live in the same kind of generation as our parents and grandparents do. we’re hard. we’re fast paced. we’re gen x’ers who by definition think mainly of ourselves.
get over the peace, love and beatles crap already.
metaphorical… metaphorical things depress me. nice story though. good thing i’m not pms-ing right now, otherwise i’d be crying. i cry during life insurance commercials. those really get to me. sometimes i call my mom after i’ve watched one. why does everyone try to depress me! because it’s easy. ok. return of saturn rocks. in my cd player right this very moment. good taste.
Wil,
Wow…that’s really heavy, “dude”. 😮 ) Seriously, thanks for putting it all in perspective…we do need to spend more time getting to know those around us. If just to say “howdy” or “how are you today?” The world might just be a better place….
Take care,
I too am glad that someone else stood up for the socially introverted . . .
What I’d like to know is why there’s so much venom being spit at women who want to open their own doors? I’m sure most men just think it’s a polite thing to do, but it *does* send the message that we are weak little things who need help. I get my own door. I buy my own dinner. I drive late at night. Why is that so *threatening* to some men? I won’t be disempowered to save somebody’s fragile ego.
It’s a thought I’ve had for a long time. There are billions of people on this planet, each one totally isolated from the others. Each person has their own thoughts, feelings, experiences from life that can never be repeated or shared and understood with others. And each of these people is only on the planet for such a short period of time before their thoughts are gone forever. If you think about it enough, you get chills.
As for the “I can open my own door” thing, this is how I handle it: If someone, male or female, is ahead of me, and they choose to hold open the door for me, I thank them and walk through it. If I am in front of someone, male or female, I will hold open the door for them so that they can walk through. If I am behind someone that is old, or frail, or has armfuls of packages, I will rush ahead and open the door for them. I don’t think it should be a male/female power thing. It should be a common courtesy thing. I don’t think women should feel threatened by a man holding open the door, but men should also not feel threatened by a woman who holds open the door for them. Ya know what I mean? I don’t believe in one-way chivalry. Whoever needs the door held open should let someone else open it. Dig?
Love, Alicia
http://www.thewagband.com
I had almost exactly the same experience several years ago and reacted the same way. It’s amazing how empathetic we are as human beings.
There have been several times when I have seen people in trouble or people who are upset and have walked away indifferent. Then suddenly it hits me as to how callous I have been and it shocks me. The extent to which we have been de-sensitized is appaling. I do try to act more conciously when I see people in distress, but it is very difficult to reach out. As somebody else mentioned in the posts above, I guess it is the fear of rejection that keeps us from trying. I really appreciate your sharing this experience with us.
I know this probably won’t be read by the person it’s meant to be seen by, but I have to applaud your intrepidity and courage. It’s a terrible shame the double standard still exists between men and women and their emotions, and I’m glad you are developed enough emotionally to understand that you idealise the ‘real’ man. Real men cry, show feelings, are compassionate, and are generally altruistic. You’ve shown all of those traits and more and should be proud. I’m sure you don’t need us to tell you that, but somehow I felt compelled. Hopefully someone else will get something out of this.
Cheers,
Casey
Remind me not to watch Old Yeller with you anytime soon, Wil. (Just kiddin’, joke man, joke…lol, I couldn’t resist, okay? Nothin’ but love for ya buddy. Hell, I cry, figure everyone does, late at night, some of ’em, maybe, when nobody knows about it. They do, though. There’s something out there that’ll make everyone cry, sooner or later. For instance, I damn near cried when I found out that they’d ditched the original Hulk origin for this stupid Absorbing Man craziness in the upcoming movie.)
Man…that’s deep…wow…I hate you Will! You made me get that odd…unknowing empty thinking feeling, like when you KNOW you forgot something you just don’t know WHAT! Damn you Will Wheaton…Damn you…