When I was a kid, I traded my Death Star for a Land Speeder and 5 bucks.
The kid who talked me into the trade wasn’t really a friend by choice. He was the son of some of my mom and dad’s friends, and we’d play together at his house while our parents listened to Fleetwood Mac in the den with the door closed, giggling about stuff that just didn’t make sense to me, at all.
So we were like prisoners of war, forced share a cell together, knowing that once the war was over, we’d never talk again.
I was aware of this situation, even at 8, so I was naturally skeptical of anything he offered me. He was already 10, and in Double Digits, so I knew that I should be a little wary of him.
The offer came to me one afternoon in his backyard, next to his parent’s swimming pool. I’d brought over my Death Star and some Star Wars figures, so we’d have something to do. There was no way I was going to endure a repeat of the last time I’d been there, where I my only entertainment was watching him organize and gloat over his collection of exotic matchbooks.
So we were sitting by the pool, which was doubling for the shore of an exotic new planet, where the Death Star had been relocated. He drove up his Land Speeder, and as he began to help his passengers out, I casually admired it.
He immediately offered a trade, but I declined. There was no way I was about to give up my Death Star for a Land Speeder that didn’t even have any obvious guns.
He expressed some shock at my reluctance, showing off its exciting and retractable wheels, and exquisitely-detailed dashboard sticker.
Although I was intrigued, I resisted. I really liked my Death Star. It had a cool Trash Compactor Monster.
He then let me in on a secret that only the ten year olds knew: Death Stars were lame. Land Speeders were cool.
This was news to me, and gave me pause for consideration. Did I really want to keep this Death Star, knowing that it was lame? How many of the Big Kids were laughing at me while they raced their own Land Speeders around, as I sat with my Death Star, wheel-and-stickerless?
While I wondered about this, he made a very generous offer: He would trade me the Landspeeder for the Death Star. He didn’t need to worry about what the other kids thought, he told me, because he also had an X-Wing Fighter and Darth Vader’s TIE-Fighter. This combination, he went on, was even cooler than a Land Speeder, so he was alright.
While I considered this new information, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. He would give me five bucks to sweeten the deal.
Five bucks?!
I didn’t need to hear another word.
I made the trade, willingly handing over the deed to my Death Star without so much as a handshake. He gave me the Land Speeder, followed by five bucks from the front pocket of his Rough Riders. Shortly after that, my parents came out of the house, telling me that it was time to go home, after a stop on the way to pick up many bags of potato chips and pretzels.
Now, I know this seems like a shitty trade, because it was, but at the time, five bucks was as good as one million, and that Land Speeder did have wheels, man! WHEELS!
With those wheels, I thought, I could ferry four of my Star Wars figures across my kitchen floor with just one push!
One push was all it would take for Princess Leah and Luke Skywalker escape the dangerous prison The Empire had built from Tupperware cups and a Styrofoam drink cooler in the shadow of my parent’s refrigerator! They could be accompanied on their journey to the safety of the Rebel base, which was cleverly hidden from the Empire beneath the breakfast table, by C3P0 and R2-D2, who would be attached to the back of their seats via amazing foot-peg technology! This vehicle was all that stood between the rebel alliance and victory! I couldn’t believe that I had even considered for a moment not trading my very un-cool Death Star for this magnificent chariot.
The entire drive home, I sat on the back seat of the 1971 VW Bus, paying no attention to the cool strains of the Grateful Dead playing out of the 8-track. My mind was focused on the coming prison escape, and ensuing battle, where I just knew the Empire would enlist the help of GI Joe and He-Man. Good thing Luke and company had this new Land Speeder to get them out of danger!
Sadly, once I was home and on the kitchen floor, the reality of the trade did not meet the grand build up it had been given by my young imagination. That single push did not send my heros to quick safety. Rather, it sent them forward about 6 inches and to the left, coming to an anticlimactic rest against the front of the dishwasher. Only the constant presence of my grimy 8 year-old fist would give them adequate propulsion away from danger. And the foot-peg technology was quickly replaced by the more reliable scotch-tape-and-rubber band technology.
The novelty of rolling that Land Speeder around the floor quickly wore off, and I really missed my Death Star.
Fortunately, all was not lost: I had that five bucks. Five bucks to spend anyway I wanted. I was rich, man. Filthy rich, and that made me a god amongst the kids on my block.
For weeks I sat in my bedroom, atop my Chewbacca bedspread, holding that 5 dollar bill in my hands, just looking at it, admiring it, basking in the glow of unimaginable wealth while the noe-forgotten Land Speeder gathered dust in the back of my closet, behind Mister Machine and a partially completed model of the USS Arizona.
I capriciously thought of ways to spread my new found wealth amongst the other kids in our group…A pack of Wacky Packs stickers for Scott Anderson, some Toffifay for Joey Carnes, maybe even the invitation to Kent Purser to play doubles on Galaxian, my treat.
I was going to be very generous with my new wealth. I was going to be an 8 year-old philanthropist. Maybe I’d set up a foundation for the kids around the corner, who always wore the same clothes and smelled funny.
Maybe I’d stand outside the doors of Sunland Discount Variety, offering low-interest loans to kids wanting to play Gyruss or Star Castle.
I even thought about opening a savings account at the local Crocker Bank, where I’d get my own passbook and a set of Crocker Spaniels as a thank you gift.
Ultimately, though, like any normal 8 year-old, I kept it for myself, and there was a brief but shining moment in the summer of 1980, when I was allowed to ride my bike all the way to Hober’s Pharmacy, stopping at every intersection to check the front pocket of my two-tone OP shorts to ensure that my 5 dollar bill, which I’d folded into a tight little square and tucked into my Velcro wallet, hadn’t somehow escaped my possession. I took that five bucks, and bought myself Wacky Packs, a Slush Puppy, and enough surgical tubing to make several water weenies. I even had enough left over after playing Bagman, Donkey Kong, and Asteroids Deluxe to take a chance on the intimidating wall of buttons that was Stargate. It was one of the grandest days of my young life, and helped soften the disappointment that came when my friend Stephen proclaimed that my Land Speeder wasn’t “rad”, but “sucked.”
I recently went back to Sunland, hoping to pick up a Slush Puppy, and maybe see one or two of the phantoms of my youth haunting those stores, but they were nowhere to be found. I ended up getting a Mellow Yellow-flavored Slurpee from 7-11 and heading back home, where I spent some time looking for that Land Speeder in my garage.
I don’t know why, but I still have it. There’s an inscription on the bottom which proclaims “THIS IS WIL’S LaNdSPEEdR! kEpP YOU hANdS OFF OF It OR ELSE!!”
I took it out of the box, and dusted it off. I held it in my hands for the first time in twenty years, and suddenly that trade didn’t seem like such a bad idea, after all.
Look out, Darth Vader. You can build your Prison Fortress on my kitchen floor, but the Rebel Alliance has a new escape pod on the way, and you’d better “kEpP YOU hANdS OFF OF It OR ELSE !!”
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I was going to say what Gabe said at 1:20. And what PMacca said. WRITE A BOOK! I would so buy it.
Great post, Wil!
Ya know the really funny thing? That Deathstar is probably on the trading floor of some collectible show right now for $5! And nobody knows that it was once previously owned by Unca Willie himself!!
This is your best post since I’ve been reading WWDN.
Not trying to pleasure your balloon knot in a very public way, I’m just saying…
It is.
Ahh, the good ol days. 🙂
You made a good trade, you have memories!
You know this is really all about the fact that you are going to be 30 soon and hence and “old man” 😛
Wil you always amaze me. The range of your
subject matter AND emotions are always immediatly
identifiable..and genuine. I love you Wil for
being so real . Thanks for this site..the posse
loves you too!!!
I have a Death Star I can sell you.
Pretty cool story. You should write books, you’re really good at storytelling!
*applause!*
This is why I keep coming back.
You have THE GIFT.
Thanks, Wil.
ps. It certainly made me wax nostalgic this afternoon. I had the LAME/COOL Landspeeder too. Such happy days.
LoL!
That was a great story Wil!
I laughed really hard about the match book collection. I wonder what that kid is doing now. He sounds like a perfect candidate for being a used car salesman!
wil,
your ability to not only remember, but conjure exactly those moments of youthful emotion is breathtaking. you are truly a talented writer, and i am consistently surprised by how much your words move me.
rock the hell on,
christy
You did better than I. My Star Wars stuff gained battle damage from black cats and other light explosives.
Amazing story telling. It’s funny what we remember from our childhood. Just imagine all the adventures + days we’ve forgotten.
You’re a lot deeper than your 2 dimensional character on a TV show I paid little attention to.
Man, that brought back some memories, bus and all.
I wonder if I still have my “crapy un-rad” land speeder?
Wil, reading your story reminded me of the time when I was 9, and I traded my Barbie wedding dress to my cousin for several inferior dresses. I knew at the time that it was a bad trade, but she was my cousin! And she was from out of state! At least you got some money out of the deal. 😉
Yes – amazing story, amazing range of stories, as a matter of fact (yesterday’s vs. today’s)…
And also my pick for the best post yet 🙂
Wil, you never cease to amaze me – thank you.
Wow….to be a kid again. You really have a way of bringing it all back!
Wow….to be a kid again. You really have a way of bringing it all back!
wow…to not be a dumbass…sorry about the double post!
Heh. Your parents were COOL. “. . .telling me that it was time to go home, after a stop on the way to pick up many bags of potato chips and pretzels.” Heehee.
Back in the day, I made my Lea and Han action figures kiss so much their lips rubbed completely off.
I am such a girl.
Oh man, did the memories come flooding back with this one. I remember going next door to Steve Langolf’s house and playing Star Wars. I didn’t have any vehicle, just the action figures. But, he had The Millenium Falcon, the X-Wing Fighter and a TIE-Fighter. He also had the Land Speeder, but I don’t recall if he had Death Star or not. He had all the cool stuff. He even had a Green Machine™.
The girls in the neighborhood thought I was weird cuz I wanted to play Star Wars instead of Strawberry Shortcake. SW was more fun to me.
“Memories, light the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memories……”
I’ll trade you Jar Jar for the Land Speeder and $20.
That story was so real, it pulled me right in. I could swear that I was sitting on your shoulder the whole time. Well not really cause I’d squish ya. 😉
I remember the whole cool and lame thing, being a shy wallflower type, I would do almost anything to be “cool”. As I have gotten older all of that doesn’t matter so much.
Definitely one of your best posts, ever, Wil. Right up there with seeing the most beautiful woman on the beach and extended warranty hell :).
Wil,
I just started reading your blog this week and love it. This tale was one I could relate to on a lot of levels. Keep them coming. 🙂
-Scott
Nothing, I mean, nothing was cooler than that trash compactor with the little monster, styrofoam trash and the crank to make the wall close in. Many a stormtrooper bought the farm in there I can tell you!
Then one of my friends got the AT-AT. Then nothing was cooler than that!
That was pure gold Wil…..
I’m turning 30 in 2 days…..
man, do i know what you’re talking about lately….
for the record…i had the deathstar as well, but never did get my hands on the landspeeder….
This reminds of that Aquabats song, Play Doh. A lot.
and yes, the landspeeder did kind of suck.
I was recently over my parents house when my mom bust out my old death star play station – complete in the box! I couldn’t believe she held onto it all these years. I’m so happy. She also saved my Marvel Comics Super Heores lunch box – it’s like new! W00T!
Its stories like these that makes me think, “G.I. Joe, Where are you?!”
Hi Wil,
Great post. I am an older guy and I just bought my 16 year old son a 1971 VW bus. I actually drove it to work today, car trouble. Yeah car trouble !! The memories I have just sitting in it. People give me the look as I scream down the freeway at 60 MPH, if I lean forward. I just turn up the volume on the CD with Steely Dan taking me back. Even the smell of the exhaust takes me back in time. Thanks for the ride, Wil
Ok, I can’t believe you mentioned ‘Gyruss’. You’ve got a true talent for bringing back memories, that’s for sure.
I remember one of the most glorious days of my youth — I was visiting my local arcade, and I was in a mood where nothing was important except getting a high score. On this particular day, the object of attention was Tempest.
My mom had given me $1.00 to play while she went shopping. I ended up finishing the game and the owner gave me a free quarter for any game I wanted. I think I still have it somewhere… 🙂
Wil, have you ever considered putting all of your little narratives like this into a book? I’d buy it! This is one of the bests posts I’ve read from you! Grand!
That was wonderful Wil. Thank you for sharing that. Priceless.
It reminded me of my brothers Landspeeder. He got it on his Birthday. I don’t remember how old he was, but I do remember he was in the first grade. I had not yet begun kindergarten. My mother had invited his entire class over for a birthday party. She did this for both my brothers and my sister, but not for me. (Bitch) Anyway, I was not allowed to play any games or have any cake or even be around. So I was stuck in my boring room which I shared with my sister who was 9 years older than me. She was not there at the time so I was expected to spend the entire afternoon in there by myself. I was greatly offended by this. Hell they could have checked up on me or something. So in an angry bitter mood I snuck out to get a peek. There were all these older people kids around who I did not know. My brother and his friends were outside on the patio playing with that LandSpeeder. I went out to watch them and was yelled at and told to go back to my room. I did what any young ignored child would do. I watched a few more minutes of him and his friends playing. It looked like so much fun. So I ran and grabbed it. I tried to run off with it so I could play with it. Only I was tackled by my brother and his friends. We all fell…on top of it. Within hours of owning it, the Landspeeder had been broken. He got very upset with me and for years complained about it. My mom bought him a new one the next day. It was years before he let me play with it. Hmm I think I’ll get him a Landspeeder for his birthday this year.
Wil did your parents smoke pot back then?
I’m a little dense, but it seemed to be in there.
Oh side note – When I was a kid I would play with my Star Wars People in my doll house. I hated doll house people. I would use R2D2 as the toilet. I would flip him over with his feet on the floor. My Doll house lacked such things and it only seemded natural to me at the time. I wonder if anyone else made the R2D2 Toilet connection.
good story.
funny too
Why were we always suckered in by those kids? My “bad trade” was a COBRA H.I.S.S. tank for the blue S.N.A.K.E. battle armor. I was caught by the glittering armor which would make me all but indestructable … “Bring it on G.I. Joe!”
Yeah, less than a week later those darn pieces didn’t stick together anymore, just the legs of the armor. So I had a Destro figure with big armored legs walking around stiff-legged like Frankenstein in the old black and white movie. *sigh* But I still had fun … I guess …
You got hosed. For $5, I’ve got 3 words for ya: All. Syrup. Squishee.
‘Nuff said.
😉
Great Story!!
WACKY PACKAGES!! I remember those. Heck, my early years were spent doing anything I could to build the biggest collection on the block. All the kids had’em.
Can anyone remember any? I remember Comet cleanser was called vomit but that’s about it. Is there any way to find them on-line?
I Wonder.
Thanks for sharing Wil. I certainly brought a smile to my face as I reflected on youthful days.
-AM
Being only 20 years old, I was born in ’82. But I do remember my Star Wars, but I was a big Ewoks fan growing up. Wicket was my hero. I only had a C-3PO for action figures though. Now my two younger brothers on the other hand, they were really into it a few years back and have like everything… they don’t play with them anymore. It’s fun being an 80s child…
Airmarshal said:
>> WACKY PACKAGES!! Is there any way to find them on-line?
http://www.wacky-packs.com/
There’s a little piece of you, though, isn’t there, that eventhough you connect with the whole memory now, would love to find this little punk and explain to him that a Deathstar is worth more than a Landspeeder and $5…right? C’mon. Admit it.
Course, really, to be a true enthusiast (even as a kid) you’d have to find away to end up with both the Deathstar and the Landspeeder. Hmm…
And, in a face off, who wins…the combined forces of GIJoe and Cobra? Or the Rebel Alliance and the Empire?
You really got me thinking here…thanks for the sharing!
Great story!
It brought back memories of the time my twin sister and I got a sandbox in our backyard. My friend came over that day and he and my sister proceeded to build tunnels throught the entire sandbox. Now the rebels had a brand new underground hideout complete with secret passage ways and ammunitions stores; now they had a chance!
I, on the other hand, never really liked building stuff. So, with my newly budding sexual curiosity, I began to pretend my action figures were having sex with Princess Leia. After a couple hours, my sister and friend had an entire underground base while I had Luke, Lando, Superman, Chameleon (that cool G.I. Joe character who changed colors in the sun!), Cobra Commander and a whole host of figures lined up to have their way with poor Leia.
By the end of that summer, the sandbox was trashed and Leia’s plastic legs were completely bent out.
Ahh.. childhood memories 🙂
Jeez, I didn’t do that much trading when I was little. Some, but not that much. I’m still a hoarder. When I have something I like, nothing can make me part with it. OTOH, if I don’t want it, I couldn’t care less. And many of my toys were weird enough that the neighborhood kids didn’t want them (I loved building toys and jnk that I got from Edmund’s Scientific when I would visit with my dad; `s where I get my tinkering gene even now).
Aside from that, though — Wil you have the blarney. As as actor, you rock. As a writer, you rock.
Ahhh, memories! I’m fairly new to the site & this is your best post yet. I too made lame Star Wars trades in order to get my legion of stormtroopers with which to take over the galaxy. Sadly this never happened, but the memory lingers on.
I too, loved your wordsmithing. It gave me the actual feel of “making believe”.
I was too old to play with Star Wars figures and too cheap (read: spent it on “other things”) to save them as collector’s items.
I DID, however, see Star Wars while doing a “hit” of windowpane. We sat in the FRONT ROW!
Of course, we “peaked” too late and all of a sudden the end credits rolled. I kept waiting for it to really get good.
“That’s IT!?” “What a gip!” “Jesus, I’m thirsty. Let’s go back to the car and have a beer.”
But oh, the days I would play make believe games on the kitchen floor.
Why was the kitchen floor so much more interesting to play on than the floors in our own rooms, which offered far more privacy (necessary for true reality suspension), even if we shared them with a sibling or two?
Wil,
You have the gift of words, my friend. Have you considered writing a novel? Maybe even a short story. If anything, you could write under a pen name. Hell, I’d read it.
I’m sure I’m just repeating what everyone else said but that was a great story. You really have quite a lot of talent for writing have you thought about actually writing a book? If not you should.
i never had the action figures 🙁
we were too poor to get that stuff.. you all sux!
🙁
Well, the land speeder might not have been “Rad” but the post sure was!” I think that brough bitter sweet memories back for all of us about trading our favorite toys, or were swindled out of, haha. The 80’s Rock!
WHOA!
Sorry. Dozed off there for a moment.
Did I get any mail?
Do cars fly?