The Trade

When I was a kid, I traded my Death Star for a Land Speeder and 5 bucks.
The kid who talked me into the trade wasn’t really a friend by choice. He was the son of some of my mom and dad’s friends, and we’d play together at his house while our parents listened to Fleetwood Mac in the den with the door closed, giggling about stuff that just didn’t make sense to me, at all.
So we were like prisoners of war, forced share a cell together, knowing that once the war was over, we’d never talk again.
I was aware of this situation, even at 8, so I was naturally skeptical of anything he offered me. He was already 10, and in Double Digits, so I knew that I should be a little wary of him.
The offer came to me one afternoon in his backyard, next to his parent’s swimming pool. I’d brought over my Death Star and some Star Wars figures, so we’d have something to do. There was no way I was going to endure a repeat of the last time I’d been there, where I my only entertainment was watching him organize and gloat over his collection of exotic matchbooks.
So we were sitting by the pool, which was doubling for the shore of an exotic new planet, where the Death Star had been relocated. He drove up his Land Speeder, and as he began to help his passengers out, I casually admired it.
He immediately offered a trade, but I declined. There was no way I was about to give up my Death Star for a Land Speeder that didn’t even have any obvious guns.
He expressed some shock at my reluctance, showing off its exciting and retractable wheels, and exquisitely-detailed dashboard sticker.
Although I was intrigued, I resisted. I really liked my Death Star. It had a cool Trash Compactor Monster.
He then let me in on a secret that only the ten year olds knew: Death Stars were lame. Land Speeders were cool.
This was news to me, and gave me pause for consideration. Did I really want to keep this Death Star, knowing that it was lame? How many of the Big Kids were laughing at me while they raced their own Land Speeders around, as I sat with my Death Star, wheel-and-stickerless?
While I wondered about this, he made a very generous offer: He would trade me the Landspeeder for the Death Star. He didn’t need to worry about what the other kids thought, he told me, because he also had an X-Wing Fighter and Darth Vader’s TIE-Fighter. This combination, he went on, was even cooler than a Land Speeder, so he was alright.
While I considered this new information, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. He would give me five bucks to sweeten the deal.
Five bucks?!
I didn’t need to hear another word.
I made the trade, willingly handing over the deed to my Death Star without so much as a handshake. He gave me the Land Speeder, followed by five bucks from the front pocket of his Rough Riders. Shortly after that, my parents came out of the house, telling me that it was time to go home, after a stop on the way to pick up many bags of potato chips and pretzels.
Now, I know this seems like a shitty trade, because it was, but at the time, five bucks was as good as one million, and that Land Speeder did have wheels, man! WHEELS!
With those wheels, I thought, I could ferry four of my Star Wars figures across my kitchen floor with just one push!
One push was all it would take for Princess Leah and Luke Skywalker escape the dangerous prison The Empire had built from Tupperware cups and a Styrofoam drink cooler in the shadow of my parent’s refrigerator! They could be accompanied on their journey to the safety of the Rebel base, which was cleverly hidden from the Empire beneath the breakfast table, by C3P0 and R2-D2, who would be attached to the back of their seats via amazing foot-peg technology! This vehicle was all that stood between the rebel alliance and victory! I couldn’t believe that I had even considered for a moment not trading my very un-cool Death Star for this magnificent chariot.
The entire drive home, I sat on the back seat of the 1971 VW Bus, paying no attention to the cool strains of the Grateful Dead playing out of the 8-track. My mind was focused on the coming prison escape, and ensuing battle, where I just knew the Empire would enlist the help of GI Joe and He-Man. Good thing Luke and company had this new Land Speeder to get them out of danger!
Sadly, once I was home and on the kitchen floor, the reality of the trade did not meet the grand build up it had been given by my young imagination. That single push did not send my heros to quick safety. Rather, it sent them forward about 6 inches and to the left, coming to an anticlimactic rest against the front of the dishwasher. Only the constant presence of my grimy 8 year-old fist would give them adequate propulsion away from danger. And the foot-peg technology was quickly replaced by the more reliable scotch-tape-and-rubber band technology.
The novelty of rolling that Land Speeder around the floor quickly wore off, and I really missed my Death Star.
Fortunately, all was not lost: I had that five bucks. Five bucks to spend anyway I wanted. I was rich, man. Filthy rich, and that made me a god amongst the kids on my block.
For weeks I sat in my bedroom, atop my Chewbacca bedspread, holding that 5 dollar bill in my hands, just looking at it, admiring it, basking in the glow of unimaginable wealth while the noe-forgotten Land Speeder gathered dust in the back of my closet, behind Mister Machine and a partially completed model of the USS Arizona.
I capriciously thought of ways to spread my new found wealth amongst the other kids in our group…A pack of Wacky Packs stickers for Scott Anderson, some Toffifay for Joey Carnes, maybe even the invitation to Kent Purser to play doubles on Galaxian, my treat.
I was going to be very generous with my new wealth. I was going to be an 8 year-old philanthropist. Maybe I’d set up a foundation for the kids around the corner, who always wore the same clothes and smelled funny.
Maybe I’d stand outside the doors of Sunland Discount Variety, offering low-interest loans to kids wanting to play Gyruss or Star Castle.
I even thought about opening a savings account at the local Crocker Bank, where I’d get my own passbook and a set of Crocker Spaniels as a thank you gift.
Ultimately, though, like any normal 8 year-old, I kept it for myself, and there was a brief but shining moment in the summer of 1980, when I was allowed to ride my bike all the way to Hober’s Pharmacy, stopping at every intersection to check the front pocket of my two-tone OP shorts to ensure that my 5 dollar bill, which I’d folded into a tight little square and tucked into my Velcro wallet, hadn’t somehow escaped my possession. I took that five bucks, and bought myself Wacky Packs, a Slush Puppy, and enough surgical tubing to make several water weenies. I even had enough left over after playing Bagman, Donkey Kong, and Asteroids Deluxe to take a chance on the intimidating wall of buttons that was Stargate. It was one of the grandest days of my young life, and helped soften the disappointment that came when my friend Stephen proclaimed that my Land Speeder wasn’t “rad”, but “sucked.”
I recently went back to Sunland, hoping to pick up a Slush Puppy, and maybe see one or two of the phantoms of my youth haunting those stores, but they were nowhere to be found. I ended up getting a Mellow Yellow-flavored Slurpee from 7-11 and heading back home, where I spent some time looking for that Land Speeder in my garage.
I don’t know why, but I still have it. There’s an inscription on the bottom which proclaims “THIS IS WIL’S LaNdSPEEdR! kEpP YOU hANdS OFF OF It OR ELSE!!”
I took it out of the box, and dusted it off. I held it in my hands for the first time in twenty years, and suddenly that trade didn’t seem like such a bad idea, after all.
Look out, Darth Vader. You can build your Prison Fortress on my kitchen floor, but the Rebel Alliance has a new escape pod on the way, and you’d better “kEpP YOU hANdS OFF OF It OR ELSE !!”

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177 thoughts on “The Trade”

Wil, a lot of stuff like that happened to me, you seemed like such an adorable kid!

hmph…i only had 1 star wars figure was a luke sky walker
we wuz poor..and i only got that one cuz some kid at school threw it at me yelling your dad took my papaws job (long story)
i went home stuck that bad boi on my nifty kite meh dad had made me outa a garbage bag and some little wood i dunno whats got out yee ol massive roll of string and sent mr. skywalker for a little “ride” i enjoyed that unfortunately i had let out way to much string and was no way i was winding all that back in …i meber thinking …well luke i hope you find brads pawpaw cuz i recon he aint got squat to do right now and cut that string laughing maniacly…maybe not maniacly but well he threw it at me i was ticked
and yess all u peeps that had star wars figures …suck lollll….cmon hops lets get a kite and a landspeeder heh
very good story wil 😉

Best post ever.
The last two posts have been stunning. I didn’t see this one coming after the last.
Please keep writing.

Thanks Wil.
I think you managed to express why I’m excited about the latest Star Wars movie. I guess its not necessarily how good or bad the movie is (although it is still a little important), but it’s the memories that come back when the words “STAR WARS” flash on the screen and the trumpets begin to blare. I’ll be 29 in September, so yes the 30 bug is just starting to set in, and childhood memories are becoming more and more important.
Thanks again

Wil… actually i think you made out really quite well. You still have the landrover and if its in good condition, toss it up on ebay and look at the cash it will bring in..

I loved the post, you tell the best stories. They bring real images in my head, even though I wasn’t there I can totally picture the whole thing. If you ever right a book let us know, I will get one as quickly as I can.
Eppy

Brilliant, Wil.
And this captures that age perfectly:
> for a Land Speeder that didn’t even have any obvious guns.
Meanwhile, my brother and I had both
the Death Star AND the landspeeder.
How cool were we?
So very cool indeed.
That trash compactor really was the coolest thing ever.
Especially the foam bits of trash!
All bright green and blue!
And it all compacted so nicely.
But we never had the damn Millennium Falcon.
Our cousin had that.
He was really too stingy to be allowed
to have the Millennium Falcon.
I always wanted to have like a hundred stormtroopers.
Darth Vader was always so sad that he had but three
stormtroopers to accompany him on his evil missions.
And one of them had arms that were too loose to do
anything but hang ineffectually at his sides,
and the other stormtroopers made fun of him all the time
and called him names and always made him go out and
get shot first.
He was their stormtrooper bitch.
Someday, when I am ridiculously wealthy,
I shall buy myself one hundred stormtroopers,
and make my childhood dreams come true.
It probably won’t be the same.

Really fantastic post. It carries with it the years of experience that are Uncle Willy, but somehow manages to maintain the wonder and innocence that we all try to maintain when we’re telling our childhood stories. I’m going to go write now. 😉
thanks wil

God I love reading your stories…You Wil, are a truly amazing wordsmith…your words take me back to fond memories of my youth. I remember playing with my Starwars action figures with the boys down the street. Thanks for reminding me of these oh-so-sweet memories.

isn’t nostalgia the greatest thing? it amazes me how the simplest memory can have such a powerful effect on us as adults. when i was a kid i remember waiting by the mailbox every day for weeks, for my “funny face jollie ollie orange ramp walker”. (you’re probably to young to remeber “funny face” drink mix, wil. in the 60’s and 70’s it was pillsbury’s version of kool-aid.) then one day, like manna from heaven, it arrived! a nieghborhood bully took it from me and broke it one day and i was heartbroken. i wiped the incident from my mind for many years. then suddenly it all came back to me in a flash like a recovered memory of childhood abuse. i raced to the computer and logged onto ebay. thank the good lord for ebay! there it was. absolutely mint with the original string and coin weight still attached! it cost me fifty bucks, but what price can one put on their most prized childhood toy? my friends think i’m nutz for paying $50 for a little bit of orange plastic, but it would be the first thing i’d grab from my burning home! ahhh, childhood’s sweet memories. they’re priceless!

Until just now, *real* writers had always been older than me.

Great Wil!
Loved your story. I am a bit of a writer myself and your stuff is truly inspiring! I hope you will decide to publish some of your material soon!

That is the best story. EVER.

I remember playing star wars with my older brother. He loved being the bad guys and of course that was fine by me since I liked Luke, Han Solo, Chuwbaca, and leya. It is funny looking back to when we played. he’d always annouced when he was going to attack my guys. and his finger would pluck my guys into the wall and he would say that theya re dead and I can’t bring them back to life and I would try to sneak them back into the fight but then he’d take out LukeSkywalker and that would be it …He’d claim to be the winner.*sighs* I got him back for it though. Years later when I was about ten I traded two of his beloved stormtroopers away for some ewoks. He wasn’t pleased with me at all. I felt bad so years later I got him some stormtroopers and some other characters at a flea market. Oh well. and BTW he had both the Death Star and the land speeder.

I never made any trades later on like I did when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?
Great story, Wil.

Finally someone who understands my pain. I was married almost 5 years ago, and after putting it off for 2 years my sister and I realized that the time had come to divvy up the Star Wars collection. We had combined our collection since we were wee ones and couldn’t remember whose was whose. What a day of tears that was…she got Darth, I got Boba Fett…never had a landspeeder though…however…there still lives a Millenium Falcon in my parents basement….

Hey Wil,
I love reading the stuff you put on WWDN. Its great! I love your stories! You always seem to put a smile on my face everyday. Thank you!

I never had Star Wars toys.
My parents only believed in Lego.
Any wonder, now, that I am a software architect?
*sigh*
I’ll trade you that Land Speeder for a bucket of Legos and…oh ferget it.

Ah gee. And I thought that this was building to an eBay listing. (If you are the winner of this eBay auction, this $5.00 Landspeeder can be yours personally autographed by TV’s Wil Wheaton.) HA HA

I remember making some weird trades when I was a kid. I traded my plain white Nike’s w/ a blue “swoosh” for my babysitter’s sister’s Nike’s b/c the “swoosh” on hers were cooler. It was multi-colored & shimmery. Some girl also wanted something I had and in exchange gave me a yo-yo. I was quite please but her parents were not. We had to trade back. Wait, maybe it was my parents who made us trade back. Hmmm. ?
I didn’t have Star Wars toys to trade. When I asked for “boy” stuff like that I would instead get more “girl” appropriate things like a Barbie doll. When I was real little, I didn’t mind -Barbie was okay, she had the coolest cars. But I did have a Star Wars dish towel. It was to me what that blanket was to Charlie Brown’s pal Linus. One summer we rented a house at the shore (or beach if thats what you call it). My dad decided it was time for me to be a big kid -so he took the towel away. Then he lost it. (Yes, he does feel real bad about that.)
Okay, only one more story (I should get my own website). I didn’t get to go to movies much as a kid. I had to wait for everything to be on HBO. One day there was a party at my grandmother’s house. All the kids were sent to her room to watch TV. My uncle turned on HBO b/c he said the coolest movie ever was on. (At least I think it was HBO.) It turned out that whatever channel we were watching played the whole original trilogy -back to back to back. For some reason I didn’t get that it was 3 different movies. I kept thinking “This is really cool! I want a lightsaber. But when the heck is this going to end!”
I’m done. Thanks for the space to share!

My sister nailed me one time with a shotty trade. She traded me rooms for a dollar. I was five so hey I did not know the value of a dollar and she knew it. So she got the big room and I got the smaller one with Amityville looking windows. I guess it grew on me because I love horror movies. I also made stuff for my dolls because I did not have a dollhouse or the cool furniture. One day my friend got this satin Barbie bed and I was green. My mother one day threw away a satin slip, a Leggs container (pantyhose),and a pizza center divider.
I then proceeded to steal a super maxi pad and a tampon. I covered the maxi pad with the satin and that was her bed and then I used the tampon covered with satin and that was her neck pillow. I wadded up another pad and covered it with satin and stuffed in in the leggs container and it made a cool chair, kinda like the one Ann Margret was slithering in before being covered by pork and beans in the movie Tommy. Finally the pizza divider painted with my sisters red nail polish made a cool bed side table. 🙂

You know what a mint Death Star goes for these days?
A lot more than a mint in box Riker from First Contact, I tell you what!
I think you should press charges!!

I was one of those kids that wore the same clothes and smelt funny. Sometimes I’d just run around in my knickers. Then again, that wsas Australia in the 80s. Most kids ran around in little, cause damn, it’s hot in Australia. Anyway, we were poor. Nice to think Young-Philanthropist!Wil gave us a thought before spending his money on wonderful crap. I remember when my Oma and Opa sent me some money, and I spent it on wonderful crap. Yay wonderful crap!

Oh, and not to wax nostaglic on YOU, Wil, but Stand By Me was on HBO today. Then I went out to the store and Stand By Me came on the radio!! (obviously not top 40).
Then on my way home, on another station, yup, Stand By Me again!!!
What are the odds of that!?!

kickass post! defintely one of your best. love it. and landspeeders rock man! i have 2! death stars also rock, but i have none, so it doesnt count.

Thanks for the post, Wil! What a feel-good story!!

For a post like that Wil deserves to get another Death Star. I forward the motion that a collection be made to pruchase a replacement death star off of E-bay….
All in favour say “Aye”.

And just to get the ball rolling….AYE!

Hey Wil,
Wow…… I’m with spudnuts, this is truly your best post ever. You sucked me right in. You really ARE a very good writer. Keep up the good work.
Love Ya’,
Fenaray

Great story, Wil,
It reminds me of Christmas grab bag in second grade when I pulled out a squidhead from Return of the Jedi. It was the only action figure I ever had as a child, because my parents never had the money to buy me toys.
All my friends had G.I. Joe and He-Man and Thundercats, etc., and all I had to play with were sticks and rocks. My sister and I would dig huge trenches in the backyard and have sticks poking out as barb wire, then we’d chase imaginary Germans past the property line with stick M-16 machine guns. That was pretty much the high point of playtime.
Now that I’m an adult, I can buy all the toys I wanted as a kid. Star Wars: Han Solo (original Empire), Han Solo (1995 reissue), Emperor Palpatine, Grand Moff Tarkin, Leia with Barge Gun, Qui Gon (2 of ’em), Qui Gon with Opee fish, Qui-Gon Deluxe, Battle Droid, Boss Nass, Padme Naberrie, Obi-Wan, Darth Maul, Yoda, Anakin Skywalker, Padme Amidala, and Clone Trooper. Star Trek: Picard, Riker, Sisko, and O’Brien (haven’t found a Wesley yet.) Babylon 5: G’Kar 12″ doll (1 of 3000 numbered), Londo Mollari, and Vir Cotto. The collection grows steadily! 🙂

Don’t worry Wil…
Everyone has an unfinished model of the USS Arizona somewhere.
Could be worse, though… You could have an unfinished model of a Churchill tank somewhere, too.

suggestion for wwdn:
best. post. ever. poll
poll readers for their favourite posts…
then create links to top 5 or 7 or 10 or 11 fav posts (for easy access)
my votes
#1 the trade
#2 batman forever
#3 (hmmm… i’m still debating…)
chris chambers was right… you could be a real writer someday, gordie…
an image of the future perhaps:
WSon:(The writer’s son enters the room with a friend. They are about eleven or twelve years old.)
Dad, can we go now?
Writer: You ready?
WSon: Yeah. We’ve been ready for an hour.
Writer:(Chuckles.)
Okay. I’ll be right there.
Friend: He said that a half-hour ago!
WSon: Yeah. My dad’s weird. He gets like that when he’s writing.
Writer:(Looks lovingly at the boys as they walk out of the door, and he smiles to himself. It is the proud smile of a man whose life has worked out just as it should have. As he ponders the wonders of life he begins to type once again…)
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?
(The writer shuts off his monitor and leaves to join the boys who are playing in the front yard. They all get into the car and drive off as credits roll.)
[Music: “Stand By Me” (Ben E. King) 1961]
ciao for now
rIAm

Ok, Ok,
I seem to be a bit on the

will, this rocked!
like ‘fenaray’ above, i’m a (cough) ‘older’ reader. in fact, his post sounds a LOT like me: i was 11 when i saw star wars for the first time, and i ALSO saw it around 11 times in the theater. how’s that for a coincidence??
you really really really brought it all back for me: the magic of star wars, and what it means to me now that i’m an adult. one thing you forgot to mention about the landspeeder: it had a *trunk*, to hold those blasters other stuff! the death star *was* cool, but the landspeeder was (in my mind) cooler. but the best of all was the millenium falcon. i had a friend who had it, and we were just green with envy. once again, thanks for the post. i really enjoy your site….
ps – i still have ALL my star wars figures, and even a (mostly) complete droid factory…. geek out.

Oh man,
I always wanted that Millenium Falcon.
Ahem,
(her post)
~fenaray

I’m truly amazed that you remember so many details of when you were 8 years old.
I personally don’t remember squat about when I was 8.

Certainly one of the best stories I have heard in a long time.
Hmm, does Wil even read these?

Wil,
AWeSoME post, man! Loved it!! Very well written and very funny stuff! 😮 )
You da man,

My husbend had all the figures and some other toys like the deathstar from the original Star Wars- and his mom threw them out- Most of which at the time where mint- So because of that, I along side with him i will help him buy and recollect the New Star Wars things and some other items We love so much. Now that’s devotion to your man- supporting his habit to get those types of things on the side.

hehe… oh, this post cracked me up. i’m always way too attached to my junk to trade it, though i did my share of trading at that age, mostly ninja turtles, to my best friend. then we would argue. but he never offered money as a perk… lol.

Great.
Fucking.
Post.
(pardon my profanity)
This is awesome biographical storytelling at it’s best (I can almost imagine you saying “aw, shucks, it was nothin'”).
Most excellent entry.
Helps bring up thoughts of my own youth and the types of emotions there within.
Cool!
🙂

APPLAUSE!!!!
wonderfull post wil … and to agree with all the other people who have said it before me , your a wonderfull story teller ,definetly would by the book…….

OMG I so cracked up about this. I was laughing and flashbacking about my own childhood deals at the same time…. 🙂

There is something about the toys we keep, especially the ones that kind-of embody the shared experience of our peers. I still have a bunch of my Star Wars action figures, though all of the ships have been left behind. Everyone our age (in North America) had those toys, and feel that same sweet/sad feeling coming across them now.

Just thinking about your last post. I’m pretty sure that the Falcon’s windows didn’t roll down, yet the Landspeeder had no windows…draw your own conclusions…
ps, sorry to put this here. some kind soul please help me. everytime i try to post on soapbox i keep getting asked to login again, and damn it I”m logged in. Wil must have cross-referenced members and 80’s restraining orders…please email me if you can help.

Wil !
You

You, my good man, are and remain unbelievable. Thank you so much for sharing that story! Once again you amaze me.
Did any of you American kids play with LEGO by the way? That`s what I did 20 years ago…

It has been remarked more than once that the subsequent careers of the stars of a certain 1986 movie have been eerily similar to their characters’. “You gonna be a great writer some day, Gordie” That day has come, Mr Wheaton.
Darn, just seen renee got there first.
An Official WWDN Online Petition ™ is in order, I think. “We the undersigned think Wil Wheaton should definitely write an autobiography”