The Trade

When I was a kid, I traded my Death Star for a Land Speeder and 5 bucks.
The kid who talked me into the trade wasn’t really a friend by choice. He was the son of some of my mom and dad’s friends, and we’d play together at his house while our parents listened to Fleetwood Mac in the den with the door closed, giggling about stuff that just didn’t make sense to me, at all.
So we were like prisoners of war, forced share a cell together, knowing that once the war was over, we’d never talk again.
I was aware of this situation, even at 8, so I was naturally skeptical of anything he offered me. He was already 10, and in Double Digits, so I knew that I should be a little wary of him.
The offer came to me one afternoon in his backyard, next to his parent’s swimming pool. I’d brought over my Death Star and some Star Wars figures, so we’d have something to do. There was no way I was going to endure a repeat of the last time I’d been there, where I my only entertainment was watching him organize and gloat over his collection of exotic matchbooks.
So we were sitting by the pool, which was doubling for the shore of an exotic new planet, where the Death Star had been relocated. He drove up his Land Speeder, and as he began to help his passengers out, I casually admired it.
He immediately offered a trade, but I declined. There was no way I was about to give up my Death Star for a Land Speeder that didn’t even have any obvious guns.
He expressed some shock at my reluctance, showing off its exciting and retractable wheels, and exquisitely-detailed dashboard sticker.
Although I was intrigued, I resisted. I really liked my Death Star. It had a cool Trash Compactor Monster.
He then let me in on a secret that only the ten year olds knew: Death Stars were lame. Land Speeders were cool.
This was news to me, and gave me pause for consideration. Did I really want to keep this Death Star, knowing that it was lame? How many of the Big Kids were laughing at me while they raced their own Land Speeders around, as I sat with my Death Star, wheel-and-stickerless?
While I wondered about this, he made a very generous offer: He would trade me the Landspeeder for the Death Star. He didn’t need to worry about what the other kids thought, he told me, because he also had an X-Wing Fighter and Darth Vader’s TIE-Fighter. This combination, he went on, was even cooler than a Land Speeder, so he was alright.
While I considered this new information, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. He would give me five bucks to sweeten the deal.
Five bucks?!
I didn’t need to hear another word.
I made the trade, willingly handing over the deed to my Death Star without so much as a handshake. He gave me the Land Speeder, followed by five bucks from the front pocket of his Rough Riders. Shortly after that, my parents came out of the house, telling me that it was time to go home, after a stop on the way to pick up many bags of potato chips and pretzels.
Now, I know this seems like a shitty trade, because it was, but at the time, five bucks was as good as one million, and that Land Speeder did have wheels, man! WHEELS!
With those wheels, I thought, I could ferry four of my Star Wars figures across my kitchen floor with just one push!
One push was all it would take for Princess Leah and Luke Skywalker escape the dangerous prison The Empire had built from Tupperware cups and a Styrofoam drink cooler in the shadow of my parent’s refrigerator! They could be accompanied on their journey to the safety of the Rebel base, which was cleverly hidden from the Empire beneath the breakfast table, by C3P0 and R2-D2, who would be attached to the back of their seats via amazing foot-peg technology! This vehicle was all that stood between the rebel alliance and victory! I couldn’t believe that I had even considered for a moment not trading my very un-cool Death Star for this magnificent chariot.
The entire drive home, I sat on the back seat of the 1971 VW Bus, paying no attention to the cool strains of the Grateful Dead playing out of the 8-track. My mind was focused on the coming prison escape, and ensuing battle, where I just knew the Empire would enlist the help of GI Joe and He-Man. Good thing Luke and company had this new Land Speeder to get them out of danger!
Sadly, once I was home and on the kitchen floor, the reality of the trade did not meet the grand build up it had been given by my young imagination. That single push did not send my heros to quick safety. Rather, it sent them forward about 6 inches and to the left, coming to an anticlimactic rest against the front of the dishwasher. Only the constant presence of my grimy 8 year-old fist would give them adequate propulsion away from danger. And the foot-peg technology was quickly replaced by the more reliable scotch-tape-and-rubber band technology.
The novelty of rolling that Land Speeder around the floor quickly wore off, and I really missed my Death Star.
Fortunately, all was not lost: I had that five bucks. Five bucks to spend anyway I wanted. I was rich, man. Filthy rich, and that made me a god amongst the kids on my block.
For weeks I sat in my bedroom, atop my Chewbacca bedspread, holding that 5 dollar bill in my hands, just looking at it, admiring it, basking in the glow of unimaginable wealth while the noe-forgotten Land Speeder gathered dust in the back of my closet, behind Mister Machine and a partially completed model of the USS Arizona.
I capriciously thought of ways to spread my new found wealth amongst the other kids in our group…A pack of Wacky Packs stickers for Scott Anderson, some Toffifay for Joey Carnes, maybe even the invitation to Kent Purser to play doubles on Galaxian, my treat.
I was going to be very generous with my new wealth. I was going to be an 8 year-old philanthropist. Maybe I’d set up a foundation for the kids around the corner, who always wore the same clothes and smelled funny.
Maybe I’d stand outside the doors of Sunland Discount Variety, offering low-interest loans to kids wanting to play Gyruss or Star Castle.
I even thought about opening a savings account at the local Crocker Bank, where I’d get my own passbook and a set of Crocker Spaniels as a thank you gift.
Ultimately, though, like any normal 8 year-old, I kept it for myself, and there was a brief but shining moment in the summer of 1980, when I was allowed to ride my bike all the way to Hober’s Pharmacy, stopping at every intersection to check the front pocket of my two-tone OP shorts to ensure that my 5 dollar bill, which I’d folded into a tight little square and tucked into my Velcro wallet, hadn’t somehow escaped my possession. I took that five bucks, and bought myself Wacky Packs, a Slush Puppy, and enough surgical tubing to make several water weenies. I even had enough left over after playing Bagman, Donkey Kong, and Asteroids Deluxe to take a chance on the intimidating wall of buttons that was Stargate. It was one of the grandest days of my young life, and helped soften the disappointment that came when my friend Stephen proclaimed that my Land Speeder wasn’t “rad”, but “sucked.”
I recently went back to Sunland, hoping to pick up a Slush Puppy, and maybe see one or two of the phantoms of my youth haunting those stores, but they were nowhere to be found. I ended up getting a Mellow Yellow-flavored Slurpee from 7-11 and heading back home, where I spent some time looking for that Land Speeder in my garage.
I don’t know why, but I still have it. There’s an inscription on the bottom which proclaims “THIS IS WIL’S LaNdSPEEdR! kEpP YOU hANdS OFF OF It OR ELSE!!”
I took it out of the box, and dusted it off. I held it in my hands for the first time in twenty years, and suddenly that trade didn’t seem like such a bad idea, after all.
Look out, Darth Vader. You can build your Prison Fortress on my kitchen floor, but the Rebel Alliance has a new escape pod on the way, and you’d better “kEpP YOU hANdS OFF OF It OR ELSE !!”

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177 thoughts on “The Trade”

  1. I heard this was why Wil *really* left ST:TNG… the crew got back from lunchbreak to find that Wil had swapped the USS Enterprise for a “rad” Honda Civic (“with *wheels*!”), and as they hauled him out the soundstage he could be heard to exclaim “But they gave me five dollars! FIVE DOLLARS!”
    Of course, they used the Honda for the battle-bridge set, and everything worked out.
    😉
    —
    Chris

  2. I, too, wish to jump on the “Wil should write a book” bandwagon. I don’t care if it’s an autobiography (although that would be nice), some of your entries from this website, or just your shopping list- you are one talented writer, Wil. Your site is the only one I visit *every single day*. I think it would be so much fun to hang out with you, Wil! 🙂 I hope I have the pleasure of meeting you one day. Don’t you all think it would be great if we could all gather in a room together and talk with Wil and play with action figures? I didn’t have much in the way of action figures- I just had Pretty in Pink Barbie, and Luke Skywalker, and they were deeply in love… BTW, Stargazer, your comment about using R2D2 as a toilet in your dollhouse almost made me splurt my coffee all over the keyboard… I really did laugh out loud! 🙂 That’s all for now- see ya tomorrow! 🙂
    Love, Alicia
    http://www.thewagband.com

  5. Excellent Story!
    I started to have flashbacks:
    When I was young, I sold all of my Transformers and Voltron figurines at a yard sale for only fifty cents a piece (doh!). Those figures would fetch a nice price on Ebay now (it’d be nice to have them for sentimental reasons too). The vultures that show up at yard sales and prey on young(naive)children amaze me…

  6. Oh if our paths would have crossed during the epic battle that ensued a mere 17 years ago at Snake Mountain.
    I remember He-man’s last battle quite well. Maybe Man-At-Arms wouldn’t have had sustained damage if the Attack Trak could have made it through the Forest of Fallen Pencils.
    All I know is that if there would have been a Land Speeder within range, He-man may have succeeded…maybe…

  8. kareto asked, “does anyone remember micronauts?”
    *i do! i do!*
    i had some, but star wars made me forget about them for years. now, they are indeed worth a mint – some more than star wars figs! (have you ever looked on ebay for them? don’t – you’ll die of shock)
    i must also post a public apology to fenaray, too – sorry, i didn’t mean to call you a guy when you’re not.
    someone also asked about legos: i’m a BIG lego head (hey! i have a lego landspeeder on top of my monitor *right now*!), and we used to make lego ships for our sw figs because we were too poor to afford ships.
    who still has sets of sw trading cards besides me?

  9. Wil, every single reference to your past paints an ever darker picture of a strange, lonely little man.
    Sorry, had to get my MST3K wisecrack in there.

  10. I was also going to make a comment such as someone way up there ^^ did, and say that this entry is actually a pretty damned cool piece of writing.
    Have you done any? Plan to do any? That is, articles, short stories, etc?

  11. for christmas a couple years ago i asked for something i never got as a young’un: darth vader’s tie fighter. my brothers consulted with my mom, who was in charge of vader’s tie, and conspired to hook me up with the regular tie fighter and an x-wing to go with it; however, they failed to coordinate, and ended up getting me two tie fighters instead. when they found out what happened, they were going to exchange one of them for an x-wing, but decided it would be way cooler to give me the “death star trench” formation of two tie fighters flanking vader’s.
    my brothers are my heroes, i swear to god.
    awesome post, will. like i don’t have enough trouble concentrating at work… i will now lose myself in memories of lincoln-log death stars and homemade blasters.

  13. Wow.
    I, too, commend your storytelling skills, Mr. Wheaton. *applause*
    I wish I’d been less of a girlie-girl as a child and that my parents hadn’t gotten rid of many of my childhood toys when they moved. I had some kick-ass lunchboxes. Some of my Cabbage Patch Kids are sitting around, but they’re worthless (especially the “Cornsilk” one whose hair I cut).
    As a little girl I never understood the boys’ toys, but now prefer them. Instead of playing “house” like I did as a child, I prefer to kick ass and be rough with the boys- in a purely childish fun sort of way. Having male children in my life gives me what I never had. I love being a kid at heart.

  15. I never had a Death Star. If I was ten years older and had known you when you were 8, I’d probably have sold you my landspeeder and a five dollar bill for one, too.
    I am, perhaps, naturally evil like that.
    Great story!

  16. Never had Star Wars figures.
    Classic Lego Space sets can’t be beat! I have about a billion Lego stories like Wil’s today (and I still collect to this day! DORK HERE), but I’m not a famous person so nobody cares about my colorful, interlocking childhood.
    To be fair, Wil is an amazing writer. I haven’t been this entertained reading anything in, well…months, maybe…maybe if I was simply INTERESTING then more people would care.
    Maybe I should start by being less whiny.

  17. Some fine storytelling on the last two updates. I really liked the lead in to the crying bit, and the Star Wars toy story is wonderful. And especially relevant considering how the new movies (while fairly entertaining) have almost become toys in of themselves.
    Keep up the interesting posts!

  18. I grew up pretty poor. Star Wars came out after my mom and stepdad #1 decided to “get back to nature”
    and move up Maine to “homestead” and live a simple “frontier life” (read: no electricity or running water –
    a whole other story that I won’t be telling here).
    Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, my cousin (two years younger than I) had a dad who made very good
    money working for the local power utility, and who also made some very wise real estate investments in the
    late 60’s and early 70’s. My cousin had always had all the coolest, latest toys as we grew up (mind you, I
    was never jealous because I got to play with them almost as much as he did, we hung out a lot), while I had
    to make do with somewhat less – though Mom did a good job of making sure I had excellent (if fewer)
    toys, and also made sure to teach me to choose toys that I REALLY, really wanted.
    After we moved to Maine, things were a lot tighter, though. And, the Christmas of 1977, of course I
    wanted Star Wars toys – oh, how the Sears Catalog tantalized with the full array of hot new action figures,
    vehicles, and playsets!! But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to all of them… besides, I didn’t really like the
    X-Wing and TIE Fighter toys, because (get this) they weren’t proportionally accurate to the ships from the
    movie! Plus some details were way off… the X-Wing had only ONE LED “laser light”… in the NOSE
    CONE! Anyone who saw the movie knows the lasers are on the wingtips, stupid Kenner toy designers!!!
    But I digress. (I’m a geek, and a production design/concept artist originally inspired by the Joe Johnston
    Star Wars Sketchbook, so deal with it.)
    So, the time came to choose the Star Wars toys that I really wanted. I decided to go for the true core toys:
    the action figures of Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han Solo, Chewie, R2D2, C3PO, Darth Vader, and a
    stormtrooper… and yes, the Landspeeder. The bouncy, spring-loaded-wheeled Tatooine Landspeeder,
    which just wasn’t in demand since the XP-38 came out, worth something less than “two thousand” in the
    local currency (but Obi-wan had enough to cover the rest). Foot peg action and all! I didn’t even mind that
    the red pinstriping didn’t actually match the one in the film (look carefully at some of the publicity photos,
    you’ll see). It was Luke’s fun desert hot rod. It floats on antigravity repulsors. It’s got JET ENGINES, man!
    ZOOOOM!!!
    A very cool toy which I put to good use. The foot pegs still worked long after 3PO’s joints got so loose that
    he turned into a floppy mess and couldn’t stay on the back (so I’d make him drive, heh).
    While my cousin’s massive array of toys (he had literally EVERY SINGLE Star Wars toy made between
    1977 and 1983) currently molders in my aunt & uncles attic, I still have that landspeeder, and those action
    figures, right now carefully packed and wrapped and tucked in a small shoebox with a few other old
    cherished toys. It’s still in great shape, too, only a few scrapes evident. Perhaps it’s time to find a place to
    display it proudly!
    We could always get together and have speeder races!!

  19. Treasure that Land Speeder, Wil!
    All of my Star Wars toys (except the figures) are mouldering in my Mums attic, and their all knackered! The AT-AT’s poor legs are broken, the AT-ST is a tattered mess, and theres no sign of my beloved Tie-Fighter. Relics of a misspent youth and an overactive imagination. And a dog who thought the AT-AT was a rival for my affections, bless her.
    Not to worry, theres some utterly wicked Star Wars Lego available…

  20. PS, I too was a Lego maniac. And none of them fancy sets with all the fancy angled parts, either – I just had a huge box full of the standard-type bricks of all sizes, in red, white, blue, and transparent. I also had some motorized Lego stuff. And oh, the creations I’d make for myself… bases, starships (including a pretty good TOS Enterprise bridge layout – considering I had no parts that made 45 degree angles), you name it, I built it. Who needs fancy Death Star playsets when you can BUILD YOUR OWN DARN DEATH STAR?? Legos are a really economical toy for financially underpriveleged kids, because it’s a toy that lets you build anything you want to.
    I don’t like how the Lego toys today all have “final designs” that are clearly illustrated for kids to build. Where’s the creativity in that? Better to just buy the various sets for your kids, open all the boxes, throw away the instructions, and put all the parts in ONE box and let the kids have at ’em. They’ll do much cooler, more imaginative stuff that way. 🙂

  22. Donkey Kong wasn’t released until 1981. You couldn’t have played it that summer.
    (You may be a nerd, but I’m a *video game* nerd.)

  23. Somebody said:
    An Official WWDN Online Petition ™ is in order, I think. “We the undersigned think Wil Wheaton should definitely write an autobiography”
    I would like to sign that. I think Wil is a better writer than Douglas Coupland about the experiences of our generation, especially us geeks. Maybe he should call the book Geek-X instead of Gen-X. : )

  24. Wil:
    That was a very moving posting…it took me back to my childhood in the 60s and 70s. I agree with the others you should write some books. You definitely
    have a gift for putting images into words.

  25. Recently Ive been wondering why I keep coming back here. Today’s post reminded me why. Thanks for the story.

  26. that reminds me, the only original star wars figure i have is the first boba fett. unfortunately i don’t have his weapons, as i bought him loose from someone my dad knew. i now have way too many of the more recent figures, the ones that started in 1995; so much money i have spent on sw…kinda sad, but oh well… ^.^

  27. Just an idea: why don’t you add a new category to your website where you put up short stories like these that you write. You could post one there whenever you feel like it. I think many people would like to read them, since you definitely have the talent…

  28. To quote TGD “What a long strange trip it has been.”
    Thanks for the excellent post Wil.

  30. Wow, you are such a good writer, this is the best post that I have read since my first time visiting WWDN. WRITE A BOOK!

  31. *Laughs ass off!* Will…you are the coolest kid ever! You are so weird…I offically love you!

  32. That was a great story, Wil! My husband still lusts after the XL5 rocket and ramp that his dad refused to buy him when he was about 7 or 8. I believe it has fueled his drive to acquire toys to this day. Nice to see your folks didn’t throw stuff out. If only others would obey the dictum to keep hands off important “stuff”. Anyway, I smiled when I read your words. Karen

  33. I had a landspeeder, and I seem to remember a LOT Of action figures. I still have that original darth vader action figure case at my parents.
    i think we had a at-at too, but I’d have to ask my bro for sure.
    This is kinda inspiring me to write about my brother and his tendacy to scotch tape hot-wheels to pieces of other toys like legos and lincoln logs to make uber-freaks of toydom.

  35. Wil,
    A friend of mine sent me a link to your site a few months ago and I’ve been reading your posts ever since, and have to agree with everyone else, you should really write a book…
    I remember playing with Star Wars figures in the late 80’s. My friend Meghan and I always fought over who would be Princess Leia.

  36. Have you ever tried free verse? It’s how you say whatever you feel like, with no rules, and it’s still poetry. That’s what I’ve done for about 20 years now. You have writing in you, just let it out. Karyn

  37. Have you ever tried free verse? It’s how you say whatever you feel like, with no rules, and it’s still poetry. That’s what I’ve done for about 20 years now. You have writing in you, just let it out. They’re pretty straight, write a book. Karyn

  39. HAHA, I had a box like that when I was a kid, I still have it here somewhere, for my ratty coin collection. “Keep Out – violatters will be presecuted” or something. Like this message would impress my two much larger brothers in the slightest.

  40. Hey Wil, great post! I never had a Star Wars action figures or vehicles when I was a kid but I had a awful lot of legos. In my dad’s basement (where I sadly live right now) I had a huge Lego city. My friend who lived next door and was a couple years younger than me would come over pretty much every weekend I spent with my dad and we would play legos for hours on end! Sadly when I got older my dad finally made me take my Lego city down. However all the parts still reside in a few boxes and buckets in the rafters of his garage and I vowed on the day that they went up there that one day when I finally get my own house Lego City would rise again!
    Thanks for bringing back the memories Wil and keep up the good work!

  42. Good grief, this one brought back memories Wil. I had all the primary star wars figures (my Mum nearly lost her eyesight from trying to watch out for Han Solo guns while vacuuming), but the only vehicle I had was a lame imperial shuttle. It was kind of hard for Luke to put up a effective defense against Vader, when Vader was in my only space-ship, so it didn’t get used much. Oh yeah – I had one of the little speeder bikes from Jedi too. They WERE cool. Didn’t fly too good though. Usually made it about 10 yards down the garden, then flew apart.
    The toy that most brings back my childhood most though, is the Six Million Dollar Man (it’s not a DOLL, Mum) action figure. He frequently used to beat the crap out of my Action Man (GI-Joe to you Americans) while making clicking noises with his right arm.

  44. Wil,
    I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again:
    WRITE A BOOK!! It would be a tragedy to lose such great material to the realm of cyberspace. I am awash in nostalgia at this very moment and, for the first time in years, I remember what it was like to be a kid again. THANK YOU!!
    You are a truly remarkable writer. Don’t let your talent go to waste. If you aren’t motivated by the “you owe it to yourself” speech, then think of your 9th grade English teacher who told you that you couldn’t write and how much you would enjoy sticking your best-seller in her face.
    Please, please, please think about it.
    Anxiously awaiting your book,
    Brock

  45. Aww, when I was a kid, my parents burned all my toys: star wars, he-man, and gi-joe alike, reasoning that they were evil satan devices.
    So now I hate fundies and love star wars… and trek.

  46. Great story Wil, I loved it!
    If that kid was anything like me, the Death Star would have ended up battered, broken and most likely lost. It’s nice that at the end of it you still have you toy!

  47. All I remember from that age is my sister destroying my toys. She was an attention-addict, and would get it any way she could.
    Transformers had mostly been my game. And I was a remarkably talented beggar at the time, even if I say so myself. I obtained a jetfire by pleading to my grandma over and over, until she caved in and got me one for my birthday. It was the happiest moment of my life, for that moment. A jetfire was definitely the coolest transformer you could imagine. Partly made out of steel, very rare, with a complex transforming sequence. I think I turned a lot of friends into enemies for a day by showing off with him in front of them. But alas, it was not to be. My sister, seeing all this attention going to me, because of a simple toy, was not pleased. Within two weeks she had found a moment in which I had momentarily lost track of where I had put my jetfire. She was kind enough to wait with breaking it until I walked into the room, so she was sure to take the blame, and the attention, for destroying it. A rear-wing was clipped. It’s something that deep inside I still can’t forgive her for. Some things are just holy. Especially when I discovered that a mint condition jetfire fetches thousands of dollars. Not that I would have sold it. Just that I could have entertained the idea. Now that’s not possible.
    Anyway, after that I switched to building transformers out of lego’s. She destroyed those too. But lego bricks back then were indestructible, in contrast with the crap they sell now. So even though the robot was wasted, the bricks weren’t. I think that over the years over a third of what I built with lego’s was lost to her hands. It’s a good thing she’s gotten better.

  48. I’ve heard about reminiscing Will but this is ridiculous! You managed to write line after line about a Land Speeder! Only you could do that and, agreeing with Tammy, with all the things you have clanking around in your brain you should write your book!

  49. Funny that I didn’t read this until today, but I spent a good chunk of last night remembering stuff that I did when I was a kid. Going through old journals can be fun like that! 🙂
    I wish I knew what happened to my old Star Wars stuff. All I can find is my old Boba Fett. 🙁

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