Scratch

Ferris is playing this game:
1. She picks up the soggy remains of her rawhide bone, and drops it on the ground.
2. She backs up, tail wagging, and stares at it.
3. She growls at it, then lunges forward, picking it up as she runs around the living room.
4. She brings it to me, and drops it in my lap.
5. I say, “that’s really interesting, Ferris,” and drop it on the floor, where she picks it up, and takes it back to the middle of the room.
Then she goes and does the whole thing again.
See, Anne went up to Oregon this weekend, and the kids are with their dad, so it’s just me and Ferris hanging out. This is how we entertain ourselves in the absence of any real responsible people around.
It’s actually a good weekend for me to take a break, because I’ve been writing and re-writing pretty much non-stop since last Friday –dramatic pause– and I finished my first draft of my book on Thursday. It went off to my editor yesterday morning, and I’m anticipating doing some rewrites next week.
I’m really excited about it, and I hope to have a limited first printing ready in time for Xmas. I’ll post details when I get it all worked out.
The weekend so far:
I went with some friends to see Die Another Day last night at the Arclight. I’m not an action movie guy at all, but I love James Bond, and this is easily the best Bond picture I’ve seen in maybe five years, aside from some inexcusably terrible miniature and FX work, the script is fun, paying tribute to some of the my favorite Bond pictures.
This morning, I went on a hike with my brother and my friend Mykal. We were hoping to find the Dawn Mine Geocache, but we couldn’t even get on the right trail to the damn mine before we ran out of time and had to get back to the car. We went up to a beautiful waterfall, though.
Oh, and last week, when I took the kids to find the Geocache at Rubio? Yeah. I walked RIGHT. FUCKING. THROUGH. Poison oak. It is all over my right forearm, my left bicep, my forehead, on my left knee, my neck, and my right ankle. I think I qualify for some sort of “complete dumbass” award for not seeing it.
Lame.
The really cool thing, though, is that I sort of look like one of those guys in “Scanners” right before they blow up. And kind of like pictures of the moon. And also sort of like an alligator…but a scary X-files mutant alligator from hell who shoots death beams out of his eyes and creeps out of your bathtub at night to suck your skin off, and sing Copacabana in your living room.
I read somewhere that massive itching can make one go a little batty…but I don’t believe it.

105 thoughts on “Scratch”

  2. I know what it’s like to be home alone with a loopy animal. My parents are away for the weekend and it’s just my dog and I here. Right now, she’s just kinda staring at me. Before, she was growling and barking at an eraser she’d seen on my floor, then barking at me is though it was my fault it was offending her. Animals are fun.
    http://www.startledfrog.com/beretwearingelitist

  6. Is good because it’s directed by a KIWI. We Kiwis will take over the world 🙂 Next up, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Hehe. Although I did just spend a fantastic week in LA and dammit, we’re gonna move there. I am so confused.

  8. Wil, you gotta learn what plants like poison oak, poison ivy and poison sumac look like. May I suggest buying a Boy Scout handbook or Fieldbook for use as a reference so you don’t have to go through hell again?

  9. Ooh…that sucks, Wil.
    Fortunately, I *think* I’m immune to poison oak, ivy, etc. I’m pretty sure I’ve romped in some before, and have never ended up itching. 🙂
    Yup. Calamine lotion.

  10. I share an office with three insane cats who are always jumping on my lap, jumping on the furniture, jumping on each other, begging to go outside, flopping over on their backs begging me to rub their bellies, freaking out whenever the laser printer or fax machine go off, chasing the tear strip from a FedEx envelope around but ignoring the furry mouse wedged under the wheels of my chair, shedding on my keyboard, chewing on the phone cord, chewing on the computer cables, lying down right under the wheel of my chair, leaping up on the headrest of my chair and thereby tipping me backward, or not taking ‘no’ for an answer when I shove them off my lap for the 18th time today.
    Can I borrow your dog?

  12. She went to Oregon huh? Cool, that’s my home state. And, coincidently (or not, depending on how you look on it), the state I currently live in. And the only state I’ve ever lived in. And, by sheer fate, the most boring state in the country. Other than, say, Vermont.
    Oh, and I think it’s just bad luck that you got poison oak all over. Dat’s some bad mojo. As for me, though I live in an area rife with poison oak and ivy and all manner of poisonous foliage, I have never gotten poison oak or any like thing in my 19 year span of existence. Of course, there’s a first time for everything.

  13. Dude that sux,sorry to hear it? Did you know that there is a study going on to prove whether or not dogs can sense cancer in people? It seems this guy had a dog who kept smelling the mole on his leg,and when he finally went to the doctor to get it checked,it was skin cancer[story from readers digest].Could be farris knows you got the itch brother.By the way,whats the cover of the book going to be and are there going to be photos and cartoons in the book?

  15. Yea, what was up with the sequence in “Die another Day” where he surfs with a piece of car & a parachute. Now that was lame.
    At the Copa Copa Cabana…
    Good thing you’re not drinking to much beer or you might turn into a blobby monster or possibly develop an eye growing out of your hand. Ack!
    Home alone…home alone…send in the strippers!

  16. Congratulations on sending off the first draft Wil. That’s huge.
    I’m taking on a personal game of writing a book myself… something I’ve sighed and wished for… for, well, way too long. So, I’m stepping out and writing a book, creating artwork (paintings probably) and music from themes that I create. Your friend was quite inspirational when they told you to “Give yourself permission to suck, and go back and fix it later.” I’m practicing that.
    Just tonight, I blogged about another practice that I’m taking up. I’m remembering that I’m doing this project as a way to find experience and freedom in self-expression. It’s not about doing it for other people. That’s been a huge deal. It’s going to take a massive amounts of reminding myself and practice though. My instincts is to always want to do something that will please other people.
    Anyway… I’m rambling. CONGRATS on getting the first draft completed! Enjoy your time with Ferris.

  17. *brings Wil some calamine lotion*
    Huh? You want me to rub that where? I don’t think so!
    Seriously sorry you have the scratchies.
    I know what you mean with the doggie games, I have 2 doggies and have been lonely lately so my doggies tend to amuse me and me them very easiuly…kinda sad now that I think about it…

  18. Fucking ouch. Poison oak SUCKS. Don’t feel like a dumbass. I lived in the countryside, knew what the shit looked like, and still managed to get a nasty case of it each summer. But how can you keep from scratching it?? God, I scratch myself till I bleed every time because I can’t stand the itching!
    Ooh, can’t wait to read the book. Bah, working on an entry for the L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future Contest, myself. Whee, writing is fun. Too bad I can’t master it at a decent time of the day. The wee morning hours seem to be my calling. What about you? Take care, Wil.

  19. I guess I should have said it in the main entry but…I know what poison oak looks like, and I know how to steer clear of it, and I usually take a massive shower with Magic Get Rid Of Bad Stuff That Makes You Scratch and Scream And Bleed And Scar Soap, but when I’m geocaching, I get so fucking distracted, I walk right through it.
    Argyle’s right. One more time and I’m booted. No excuses.

  21. Cheers for the completion of your first draft!
    Jeers for the poison oak.
    There are lots of anti-itch creams you could try . . . I think yogurt might do something, too. Maybe that’s just burns, though. I can’t rightly remember. Anyhoo, take care of yourself, and enjoy the rest of your weekend.

  22. It’s the magic of the GPS that makes us stumble through and into Very Bad Things. I personally haven’t hit anything poisonous yet, but I’m sure I’ve gotten close! I did get very close to a very steep and very rocky slope. Oh, and I managed to get myself covered with mud once too. Blindly following those little numbers on my eTrex will get me into trouble!

  23. I can understand the itching until you go mad. And going mad because you itch. I am sensitive to mosquitoes, and when they bite me, the bites swell up to the size of a half dollar and get all puffy, then turn purple. Itching like mad all the while. I finally found something that really worked for me to beat that itch. Tea Tree Oil. I diluted it maybe half and half in regular massage oil and smoothed it onto my skin right out of the shower, while my skin is still wet. It cools the skin and numbs it a little, making it feel a little tingly and nice. and NOT ITCHY. After that, the bites fade quicker than untreated, and dont itch anymore.
    From the same health911 site that Big J linked:
    “Tea tree oil is an exceptional natural antibiotic. Tea tree oil, derived from the leaves of the native Australian Melaleuca alternifolia tree, contains antiseptic compounds that are a very effective skin disinfectant. Depending on severity, use 5-15% solutions daily. It has proven beneficial in treating acne, athlete’s foot, ringworm, jock itch, fungal infections of the toenail or fingernails, yeast infections, wound healing and bad breath, among others. For wound cleansing or a douche for yeast infections, make a 10% solution (about 11/2 tablespoons to a cup of warm water). Make sure the product label says it is 100% pure tea tree oil.”
    This stuff is fantastic. I don’t know how I lived without it! I also used it on my dog when he had skin irritation from flea treatments and I think mosquitoes as well, and it cleared up the red skin right away. Plus he quit chewing on his skin.
    I would think it would be helpful in treating the itch from the poison oak, and would help fight any infection and toxins.
    **Good-no-more-itchy MOJO**

  24. I wouldn’t go with tea tree unless you have used it before. It does tend to cause a slight burning sensation in some people. But on the whole it is very effective.
    Personally I prefer topical rather than oral “systemic” treatments, unless the swelling is quite extensive. So I would use something like “Wasp-eze”, which though a spray primarily meant for wasp and bee stings – contains an antihistamine (mepyramine malaete) as well as an anaesthetic (benzocaine). The advantage of a product like Wasp-eze is that the effect is instant, the moment the frost appears the itch is gone. The bliss that ensues is purely psychological.

  27. Dude again with the poison Oak?!?!?
    – Don’t know what to do with ya kid!!
    -and the Squirell Goes WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
    gonads and strife
    gonads and Strife………
    ……… gonads and Strife. 😛

  28. Well at least you didn’t walk through leech infested swamp water. *hee hee hee*
    Anyways I am really extremely allergic to Poison Ivy and Oak. I found this out when I was rassberry picking at my grandma’s. I got third degree outbreak all over my legs. The doctor wanted to admit me into the hospital ward but they didn’t have any rooms avaliable. When my then soon to be husband met my parents for the first time, he helped them out in clearing the brush on the sides of gravel road that leads to my parents house. He had work gloves to help protect his hands….BUT unfortantly he didn’t think about taking them off when he rubbed his face against the back of his covered hands. Needless to say he got poison ivy all over his face and a little on his hands. The really really pathetic thing was that he was just down for a visit to meet my parents and be with me 🙂 I couldn’t help myself and kissed him…even though everybody was saying I shouldn’t. I figured that it was a worthy sacrifice. I ended up with a bit of poison ivy rash on the corner of my mouth real bad. Oh well. hee hee hee

  29. ive heard watermelon rinds do wonders for poison oak. Chew it so that there is just a little red left, than rub it on the itchy parts.

  31. Ick, Poison Oak. We dont have that but im guessing its like nettles but worse.
    At least i dont think we do.
    To the library! Away!
    Wils Book! *Dances* We the Monkeys cannot wait.
    Holds Breath…

  33. We don’t have poison oak in the UK, but we have things called stinging nettles, and they kill. You end up with blisters every where. When I was 8, I was running around this wilderness patch of ground where the grass was slightly shorter than I was, and low and behold, I walked in to the biggest patch of stingers. The only problem was I was only wearing shorts. My legs and arms and stomach and back and necks and hands were covered. We use vinigar to stop the pain but then I got followed by the dogs, It made for an interesting day. The only plus to it is that oince the vinigar goes on you are in the worst pain in the world for about two minutes then all pain stops. They you get blisters for three or four days. And the dogs love you, everyone else hates you cos you smell to high heaven.
    Wil looking forward to your book, do we get discounts….. 😉 or at least first choice. Are you planning on releasing it in england?
    Spike
    2.28 GMT

  34. heh heh – uh Wil, Ferris is trying to tell you she wants you to play with her!!! She probably misses all the rest of the family and wants to spend some quality time with her “daddy” 😉

  37. I’m sure Barry Manilow would be willing to soothe you with calamine all while singing about Lola, Rico, and the Copa…

  38. Wil,
    Funny you should mention sending your manuscript off to the editor. I just got mine back from my editor and am madly revising and rewriting, etc. The whole thing is due to the publisher the Monday after Thanksgiving. It’s an itch that has to be scratched… and when the itching’s done, the scratching’s done.
    Well, gawrsh, *that* was really profound…
    😉
    Hope your scrofulous skin heals soon… my last encounter with leaves of fire was back in college (too long ago) when I sat in poison ivy after a long hike in the Rockies. Itching ain’t the half of it!
    Be well!

  40. Wil,
    Wow…re: the poison oak, I tend to get tangled up with poison ivy, which is just about as bad. Sorry to hear you really got into it. Oral steroids (prednisone and the like, from a script from your family doctor) are the quickest way to get rid of it. Otherwise, calamine lotion and the other afore-mentioned remedies help relieve the itching. It can drive one mad, I know… : )
    Looking forward to updates on the first printing of the book!
    Take care of yourself,

  41. me again – this is kind of on topic 🙂 – was stand by me filmed in oregon? just wondering…yeah. “traaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnn!!!!!” 😉

  43. Sorry about that, it sucks. I have a nutcase dog. She sings. Literally sings. Right now she’s depressed because our other dog died and she’s lonely so she’s taking it all out on every newspaper she can find. We generally accept the fact that we’ll never see the first 4 pages if she gets there first. Oh and yes, calamine works. Just learn to avoit the plants though. And check under the seats at bus stops, it suck if you swing your feet and end up with them in a pile of stinging nettles.

  44. There’s a company (I think it’s headquarters is here in Oregon) that makes products especially for Poison Oak/Ivy. It’s called Tecnu and my wife swears by it (and swears AT poison Oak)
    http://www.teclabsinc.com/products/tecnu.html
    If you can’t get it there, maybe Anne can pick some up while in Oregon.

  45. Incidentally, I actually know a guy who actually admitted to wiping his ass with poison Oak.
    It resulted in a few days in the hospital.
    He doesn’t recommend it, even if you’re into kinky stuff.
    heh, I couldn’t have though up an urban legend that good!

  46. Just mentioning posion oak makes me want to scratch.
    I’m highly allegeric to posion ivy, oak and sumac.
    The only thing that dries it up for me is a visit to the doc for a cortisone shot. Might want to consider it especiallly since the rash is so close to your eyes.
    Feel better soon…

  47. Wil,
    It seems like you and your dog are having harmless fun. I am sure you will survive the oak attacks. Don’t scratch to hard.
    FG

  48. Poison oak all over? That must truely suck. The need to scratch…Yearning to scratch…desiring nothing more than someone to help scratch you.
    So, have you placed oven mits on your hands yet or do you have more self control?

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