Viva Las Vegas — part two

ByWil

Part One of this story is here.

“If I don’t keep walking, I’ll puss out and waste the entire afternoon drinking Guinness in some bar.” I thought.
“Hey! Don’t you EVER say drinking Guinness in some bar is a waste!”
“I am so right. Consider me properly chastened.”
While I had this conversation with myself, I continued to walk, and when I was finished, I stood at the entrance to The Mirage’s Poker Room.
“There’s no turning back now! Muwahahahahaha . . . “
I stood in front of a podium (think of a hostess-stand in a restaurant, and you’ve got it) and looked around the room: There were about thirty tables or so, but it felt neither cramped nor expansive. Even though I was just a few feet from about a million slot machines, it seemed quieter and more laid-back than the rest of the casino floor, and the air smelled . . . well, sweeter. Weird, I know, but true. It was like an Oasis in the Mirage.
There didn’t seem to be anyone who could put me on a list, or sit me at a table, so I walked around the podium to the cashier. A middle-aged Asian man with huge flakes of dandruff lining the part in his hair stood next to a woman in her 60s, who I am certain was from Texas: huge bouffant, huge make-up, and a huge cloud of perfume. They were both on the phone, so I read a little plaque titled “HOUSE RULES” while I waited for them.

1. Max rake 10%
2. Check and raise is permitted
3. Maximum 1 bet 4 raises
4. Mirage poker room does not employ shills
5. Decision of the supervisor is final

It was a cool little sign, made out of faux-wood-grained plastic with mechanically carved white letters. So much of Vegas these days is gold and brass and music and fiber optics and explosions, it was charming to see this little plastic sign, which was perfectly suited to its job.
The female cashier hung up the phone and looked at me. “Yes?”
“I’ve never played here before,” I told her as I felt my face flush. “Would you tell me what to do?”
“Sure thang, honey,” she said, in a drawl that was straight out of — no joke — Odessa, “Go up to the front and wait a bit. I’ll send Tom over.”
I thanked her and walked back the way I came. I picked up a copy of Cardplayer, but a man came over before I could open it.
“Can I help you?” He said.
“I hope so,” I said. I cleared my throat and continued, “I play in Los Angeles, but I’ve never played here before, and I feel little lost.”
He smiled and said, “Check and raise is allowed, maximum of one bet and four raises in a round, and we take the rake as you go, so you don’t have to think about it. What would you like to play?”
His silvery grey suit matched his hair, and he exuded a disarming charm and kindness, the likes of which I’ve never seen in one of the Los Angeles card clubs. I felt like this man really did want to help me, and for the first time since I hung up my cell phone across the street, I began to feel at ease.
“Uhh . . . 3-6 Hold’Em.” I said.
“Sure.” He picked up a clipboard, “Can I get a name and a last initial?”
“Wil W.”
He put down his pen and looked up. “I thought you were . . . you.” We both laughed, nervously, for different reasons. “Welcome to the Mirage, Wil.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Well, it shouldn’t be too long,” he said, “Are you staying with us?”
“No, I’m in town for a meeting, and I’m staying with my hosts across the street. It’s my first time there, and holy crap, man, the rooms are huge.” I was close to rambling. Stupid adrenaline.
“That’s what I’ve heard,” he said, as he set the clipboard down, and looked across the room, “Hm. Well, it looks like I’ve got two tables open right now.” He gestured to one table that was close to the edge of the room, and another that was more toward the center. “Where would you like to sit?”
“With the suckers. Dah-dum . . . daaaah-dum . . . dum-dum-dum-dum . . . “
“Well, I’d like to sit where everyone pays to see the flop, if you get my drift . . .”
He nodded slowly and knowingly. “Well, they’re all tourists, Wil.”
“Excellent,” I said, in my best Mr. Burns voice.
Tomorrow: Part Three

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50 Comments

  1. Thanks for all the great title suggestions from yesterday! Keep them coming, and I’ll add them in as subtitles when I publish this story (along with some other poker stories) in book form early next year.

  3. Hey Wil,
    You sure know how to keep me in suspense….did you win damn it? LOL! I am glad they recognized you and treated you with kindness.
    Can’t wait to read the rest and I don’t even know anything about poker.
    You’re a damn fine writer Wil.
    Have a good one
    Birdie

  4. Man… I thought there were only two parts to this. But two parts does not a saga make.
    I was in the casino in Halifax last month and couldn’t work up the nerve even to go sit at the $1/$2 without playing in some more home games first.
    Looking forward to the rest of the story.

  5. Just have this overwhelming urge today to say thank you for your work.
    I’m a fellow writer — a playwright, based in DC — and I get a lot of personal encouragement from knowing you (and other writers I admire) are out there in the world, slogging away. I never think to thank any of them, though — but today’s the day.
    So thanks, Wil.

  6. ahhh!!! hurry with part 3! Ever thought about going to the wsop? A lot of other celebs do it for fun. It’d be cool to see you in the money!

  9. Good. Nice job. You are really quite the excellent writer. You have me completely hooked. No bullshit, Wil. You could make a living writing poker fiction. You have mastered taking your reader into the moment. I don’t know if it’s hard work, the result of years of practice, or if you are just a total natural. You are a damn fine writer. Fin.
    -K

  10. I have to agree the suspense thing is really a draw I kept looking at my watch wondeing when thiswas going to come up!
    I can’t wait to hear if you will walk away with enough money to buy a majority stake in UPN and start Star Trek – The New Adventures of Wesley Crusher: Bad Ass Space Gigelo –Or– Go home and explain to the wife why you sold the kids to “Vegas Corner Pawn –Al la Rober Patrick (in the sopranos).
    Fingers crossed for the First option…

  11. Yay! Poker stories collected in dead-tree form!
    It would be funny to call it Wil Wheaton’s Super-Duper Sure-Fire Bet-The-Farm Guide To Winning Texas Hold-Em’* and put a footnote on the cover: “* – Well, not really. But there are a bunch of poker stories in this book.”
    Another alternate title: Wil Wheaton Has The Nuts. That’s a triple-entendre, if you think about it. I can even see the cover…you at a poker table, wearing The Shirt and a green eye-shade ala Data, your hole cards in one hand, a big stack of chips on one side of you, and, on the other side, a Costco-sized can of mixed nuts (for an added visual pun).
    Anyway, get on with the story…I want to hear how you took those rubes at the 3-6 table for everything they had!

  12. Great write-up, Wil – keep it coming! My first Vegas experience last month was *just* like yours. I walked into the Mirage and smelled that same sweet smell (I love it) and was just as nervous walking into the poker room. That adrenaline rush didn’t go away for me until a couple of hands after I won my first pot. I was so embarrassed after winning that pot (Jacks full of 10s, I remember) because my hands were trembling. I thought everyone could see the shaking of my hands and I was worried I would spill the chips all over the table. A couple of folds later and I was able to gather my composure and play some poker.
    I doubt I’ll ever have another experience quite like it. I hope the Bellagio was kind to you. The 4/8 game over there wasn’t out of my league, but it wasn’t kind to me one night. When you don’t have the cards, don’t try to force the issue.

  13. You better finish this story by Thursday, Wil. There’s no way I’m waiting till after my honeymoon to hear the end of this. 😉

  15. I can so imagine you doing the Mr. Burns voice…why I don’t know, but go with me here, Wil. Oh, thanks for sending the mojo to us in Florida, my family has had no major damage except for 23 hours without electricity. By the way, “I am so right. Consider me properly chastened.” sounds just like how the voices in my head sound sometimes. I think it’s a writer’s thing, right?

  17. My guess is that it will be, like “Lying in Odessa”, a four-parter. Why? Because I think I’ve spotted a tell, or maybe Wil’s writing style when writing about poker.
    You see, in The Texas Hold’em form of poker, there are four parts. Four betting rounds; before the flop, after the flop, after the turn and after the river.
    This is a guess. Do I have the intestinal fortitude to bet chips on it?
    Speaking of “Lying in Odessa”, I played in my very first live poker tournament this weekend in sorta kinda similar circumstances. Finished on the bubble… (which is tournament poker lingo for being one place below being in the money, which is poker lingo for being paid prize money)

  18. Wil, are you fleecing people… 😉
    Looking forward to the rest of the story here. Don’t make us wait too long, or I’ll be sad. And you wouldn’t want that on your conscience now would you?

  19. Awesome story… I love Vegas and you’re spot on about the differences in people between LA and Vegas and the difference between the Poker Room and the rest of the casino…
    Great read! Can’t wait for part 3 and onwards!

  21. Keith summed it up, Wil. He’s right. I can only echo his statement on that one…
    Think Tom is one of us? He’s at least a Trekkie if he halfway recognized you, but it’d be WAY cooler if he’s a WWdN lurker. Either way, he seems fairly cool.
    Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll retake my spot hanging from an exposed root protruding from a rather tall cliff…

  22. From the book of great quotes, come these two…
    No hour of life is lost that is spent in the saddle.
    –Winston Churchill
    No hour of life is lost that is spent drinking Guinness.
    –Wil Wheaton
    🙂

  23. Just love reading great poker stories… and I’m excited to hear your planning a compilation of poker stories!!!! I’ve got no thoughts on a title, but you’d be my hero if you immortalized “THE HAMMER” in print.
    And keep your eye out for All In Magazine while you’re there… both Otis and I from “Up For Poker” contributed in this issue…

  24. Why do I think, as we get these in ‘burma shave’ sized portions, were going to have to buy his yet to be annouced poker book to read the rest.
    I think ill make a note to check back in 2 weeks, it’ll be less frustrating!
    -JasonR

  25. > He nodded slowly and knowingly. “Well, they’re all tourists, Wil.”
    Of course when he said this, he was putting you in the tourist category as well.

  26. I used to play “regular” poker as a kid growing up. 5 card stud, Draw and the like. I got cable not too long ago (I know what a maroon) and caught some poker tournements… I WANNA LEARN DARNIT!
    So This story is the last straw I will be going online to acquire the skillz.
    BTW I really though the story would be done by today.
    *Sigh*
    Well at least there is more tomorrow, WOOT!
    story names
    * WHO SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES NOW
    * THATS RIGHT, I AM ME
    * I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING FOR FUNZIES!
    *Sigh* Sorry Wil… I am tapped outta good ideas today.

  29. Digging the tale so far, Wil. I played my first Vegas poker this summer at the Luxor (just a 1-2 table) and walked away $70 in the black. Pulling a fat pile of chips off the table after a big win (and having the sharks at the table mutter “nice hand”) was one of the sweetest moments in my adult life. Poker rules!

  30. What’s the secret to comedy? Timing?
    What’s the secret to movie making? Pacing.
    Wil, you have your readers chewing their PDA stili. Argh!
    ****** Poker story ending v. 0.2 ******
    Wil: I don’t have it WITH me.
    [flop: AhAdKc]
    Rick Berman: (smiles) If you’re lucky I’ll just take your ship.
    Wil: Over my dead body.
    [fourth street: 4c]
    Rick Berman: That’s the idea.
    [fifth street: Kh]
    Rick Berman: I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. [turns over KdKs]
    Wil: Yes, I’ll bet you have. [turns over AcAs]
    [BOOM]
    🙂

  31. *laughs* Would love to meet you in person some day. You read just like most of my crazy-fun friends.
    Thank you for letting us in on your life, via your blog 🙂

  32. Enjoying the saga… had the pleasure of a friend taking me to Vegas for New Year’s and we stayed at the Venetian. Wow, is all I can say. 🙂
    Hope you enjoyed your time there, looking forward to the rest of the story.

  33. I noticed someone posted as Keith Coogan…so i was going to open with “who is keith coogan”…but I won’t (though I guess I kind of just did…
    The people at the Mirage are pretty nice, I must have sat at the blackjack table for 3 hours on a hundred bucks, and the dealers were overall very funny and conversational.

  35. This is the second night in a row I’m leaving your site, singing, “You gotta know when to hold’em…know when to fold’em…know when to walk way….”
    …And yet I’m still coming back tomorrow.
    Definitely the sign of a good writer. 🙂

  40. fetters and chains
    (title suggestion if this story goes south)
    turn of a friendly card
    (if the story ends good)
    both from Alan Parsons Turn of a friendly card.
    These short stories, one per day, are better than longer ones with greater gaps between posting. Well, that’s how I like it.
    I need someone to play with. I don’t like the online games. Not sexy enough. I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with your poker stories for now.
    rock on

  41. I mean this sincerely:
    I don’t like poker. I don’t play poker. I don’t like Vegas. I don’t like gambling.
    But I like your poker stories. All of them. Even the ones in Vegas.
    Can’t wait for part 3!

  42. > “Well, I’d like to sit where everyone pays to see the flop, if you get my drift . . .”
    > He nodded slowly and knowingly. “Well, they’re all tourists, Wil.”
    Laughed my ass off at this. Great story.
    How about a poker links section at the site? Your fave Blogs, tip sites, good online places to play?

  43. Hey Wil,
    I see you’ll be in Tahoe this weekend. I live in Tahoe and was interested if you would want to go play a couple of hands at Harrah’s or Harvey’s casinos?

  44. I love these posts man, I feel like I am right there with you. Have such a great way of putting the words on paper so that I can fully imagine everything you are seeing and feeling. I love it! Perhaps this is why I loved the books (!). Keep it up buddy,
    Ron

  45. Hey, no fair! Why does having a “huge bouffant, huge make-up, and a huge cloud of perfume” make one from Texas?
    We Texans don’t think that everyone from California has bleached hair, plastic surgery and eats granola?
    Just kidding Wil; love your site and enjoy reading your perspective. Have a great day!

  46. >A middle-aged Asian man with huge flakes of dandruff lining the part in his hair…
    My neighbors in the cubes nearby want to know why I am LOL. Seen a few people like this around.

  48. I check every day old son, and I just bought Barefoot and Geek from Westbourne Books, and I so want you to do OK with writing and an eventual movie-industry comeback, but please don’t fall victim to gambling. (By the way, I am one who is useless at computers, but admire you clever chaps frightfully.) Ciao

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