numb

About forty minutes after I landed back in Vegas yesterday morning, my kitty Sketch had a heart attack. He was in “His Spot” on my bedroom floor, and Anne held him while he died.
He looked fine when I left, so I didn’t even scratch his chest like I always do. I just told him, “I love you, Fat Boy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Anne said that it happened so fast, it was over before she had a chance to freak out.
I had to stay in Vegas and write about the final table of the championship, so my psyche just sort of put me into shock until I got home this afternoon. Since I walked into my house, I’ve been moving between the hysterical sobbing and the weird numbness.
I think I’m going to take a few days off, meet my deadlines, and cry a whole, whole bunch.

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274 thoughts on “numb”

  1. Hey, Wil…long time reader, first time commenter.
    Sorry about your cat. Losing a pet is never easy they are, without doubt, a true member of any family.
    Thanks for sharing with us and keep your head up.
    Tony in Little Rock

  3. When my Grandmother died there was a sense of lose, but then she lived 1500 miles away and I saw here once a year. My cat Cluie, is htere when I wake up, says goodbye to me on the way to work, greats me the second I step throught he door, and is the last thing I see at night I far asleep with her on my chest. My wife is a little put out but her, but what can see do. Cluie is now 7, when she finally passes on, I know trhat I will feel it much deeper then my Grandmother. That little cat lives to make me happy, and when I am sad and ready to give up, she knows that is the time to fight her way into my thoughts by pawing at me, biting me, or just flopping on the floor at me feet, time after time until I start laughing. cats love you unconditionly. I posted a picture of Clouie on my blog just the other day. I has just unpacked my first digital camera and there she was in my face not liking me not paying attention to her. In an effort to get her to back off, I took her picture… Its the best one of her ever!
    Wil, Hang in there, remember the love, and most of all, remember that you did all you could to bring joy to Sketch and in the end he remembers nothing but happiness.

  4. So sorry Wil. Nothing any of us say will make it easier. Hugs to you and the family. Fat Guy went to keep The Bear company. Take care.
    Kate

  5. I can’t even imagine losing Whipper but oddly – even before your post – I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Reflecting on my own mortality and the comparatively short time pets spend on the earth has made me realize that I have to put value into every day I have with her. The last cat I had before Whipper lived longer than 20 years – which is exceptional – but I realized I have to come to terms that Whipper – although we are a lot closer – may not live that long even though I pray daily to whatever deity is listening that she does. She does not draw breath a single day without a full-body cuddle and being told she is loved, and I’m sure your pet felt the same from everyone in your household.
    I’m reminded of a post I recently made on my own blog about a friend of mine who adopted a cat from a no-kill shelter in Pennsylvania almost a month ago. Shiloh died within three days of coming into my friend’s home. She was a train wreck – and as others have said to you in comments before mine – I asked my friend to look at it from the cat’s perspective. As Moleman said a couple of comments before me, all Sketch remembered in his last moments was happiness.

  6. To supplant the “it’s okay” posts, I want to say “it’s not okay”. It hurts. It really hurts. But I do promise that he is alright in the grand scheme of things, whether you believe in an afterlife or not. And you too will be alright. Give it time. Be honest with those you care about. And, overall, honor his memory.

  7. Wil, I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced two losses in the past week myself.
    The runt in a litter of kittens that my mother-in-law rescued died earlier this week, and a neighbor of mine died yesterday of a heartattack. I know it’s nothing more than an odd coincidence, but I felt I should say something more than just “Sorry Wil”

  11. the sadness seems to come too close together sometimes…try to remember…in your grief…the joy that made SKETCH such an important part of your life.

  13. Oh my god! I am so sorry Wil! I wish that would have never happened. I bet Sketch loved you, Anne, and the kids more than air. Tell Anne, Ryan, and Nolan that everything will get better soon. Nobody should have to suffer like that. But hey! At least Sketch is reunited with Bear, up there in Kitty Heaven. (If you believe in that kind of thing) But again. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do for you. But all I can do is hope and pray that everything else in your life goes perfect. So, I am praying for you and your family. I hope your days get better. All you have to do is believe that Sketch is having a wonderful time wherever he is. He is probably thinking about you right now. But as long as you love him, he will always hold you in his kitty heart. *Lots of Love* *Hugs and Kisses*
    Laney Ligon
    P.S.-
    If you need some time off from writing in your blog, we’ll all be here waiting. Take as much time as you need to Wil. *Best Wishes*

  14. Condolences from Craig, Becky, Jasper, Pangur, and Ripley. We’re very sorry for your loss.
    Take lots of time off, and come back when you feel like it. Read something good, and distracting. The Cryptonomicon, perhaps. Come back when you feel like it.
    You and yours take care,

  15. “To lose the earth you know, for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater living; to leave the friends you had, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth”.
    -Tom Wolfe
    Wil, i am so terribly sorry. What an awful turn of events, right after Felix. I know they’re up there stomping around together, healthy as the day they were born. Look at all these comments! Your friends love you Wil. my thoughts are with you
    -jessie

  17. (((Wil))) So sorry for your loss. Last year I had to put my elderly dog and cat down within a few months of each other. I still grieve for them.

  18. Oh Jesus Wil, I’m so sorry. What a rollercoaster you’ve been on these past few months, what with The Bear and CSI and poker and now Sketch.
    Good thoughts coming to you from NJ.

  20. Allow me to also add my condolances. Losing a pet is never easy. I had a beautiful orange longhair named Wendell.
    How I met Wendell – I was working at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver in 1996. It was winter, it was a blizzard, snowing like hell. I was making a delivery to one of the university apartments. I left my door open as I went to the door and when I got back, there was Wendell. Obviously my car must have been appealing to him, it was warm and smelled of food.
    “Hey you, get out!”, I said that, even though I knew I’d never mean it.
    *Meow* – “No way dude, your car smells like food and plus it’s warm here too!”
    I adopted Wendell after that and for a year and a half I took good care of him.. I tried to keep him indoors as much as I could. But it was impossible to keep him inside. Every time I went to let my Basset Hounds out, *zip* out Wendell would dart.
    My uncle told my mom and dad at that time, “It’s crueler to keep him in the house when he wants to head out.”
    And they let Wendell out, he always would find his way back home.
    One Friday night, …
    It was summer, it was a year and a half later. I was working a busy Friday night at Pizza Hut, and then afterward, I went to a hobby store just a block from my house and was playing Call of C’thulhu – It was a particulary bad adventure. I just wanted to go home. But the Keeper decided everyone HAD to stay until 5am.
    I drove the block back to my house.
    When I turned the corner, I found Wendell lying by the side of the road. He had just been hit by a car.
    He held out long enough to die in my arms. The next day we had the pet cemetary bury him in the Pizza Hut shirt I was wearing, his blood and fur all over it when he died.
    I’m sorry Wil, I need a moment here in typiing this just norw. 🙁 *sigh* God bless you, Wendell. I’m sorry I didn’t get home sooner.
    Anyway, it was a month after that when Aunt Jewel said that one of the cats in her neighborhood was staying regular by her back door. She was a brown longhair named Princess.
    And it was on Thanksgiving Day, 1998 that I met Snookie – I was going out to Keeneland (the race track I work at also) – they were having a special Thanksgiving Day live racing at Churchill Downs and I went to Keeneland to bet one race and one race only. Win orr lose.
    Well I lost, but when I was walking out, there in the paddock was a white and tan short hair. One of the barn cats. The poor thing was huddled up under a nearly bare shrub. I coaxed him out, petted him, held him in my jacket to keep him warm.
    My family adopted Snookie that day and we all fed him some of our Thanksgiving turkey.
    It took Princess some time to get used to Snookie, and they still chase each other around the house. My cats are still with my family, now just my father and myself. Snookie loves to go out, except now I closely watch the back door and try to keep him in. When Snookie does go out, I supervise as much as possible, let him chew on the lawn a little bit, and when I feel he’s had enough, bring him back in.
    Thankfully Princess doesn’t like going out.
    Our pets are reflections of the love we have in our hearts for others. In a small way, our pets are the eyes of God, watching us, judging us by how we treat them.
    God bless you, Wil. You do not deserve this pain.

  21. As when you lost your Bear, I can only state how sorry I am at your loss of Sketch. And as hard as it may seem now, at least you you have many wonderful memories of Sketch (and Bear) to sustain you through the tough days and months ahead.
    While you were not with him when he passed, he knew you loved him. Sketch and Bear both do; they will be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge.
    Only in losing our hearts to another, can we be completely human; unfortunately, this means we must live with the pain of loss.

  23. Wil,
    I am so sorry that you lost Sketch. I know you are still recovering from the loss of the bear, but at least they are playing together in “kitty heaven”

  24. Wil,
    Words cannot begin to comfort you in your loss. As a pet owner myself I know the empty feeling that comes when you lose a pet. I lost my dog to cancer in 1997 and there are times when I still feel the loss. It truly is losing a member of the family.
    My thoughts and prayers, yes prayers, are with you and your family. And yes, allow yourself the time to cry. I still do sometimes.

  26. Wil honey I am so sorry to hear about sketch I know how tramatic it is to loose a cat (or pet of any kind) my thoughts anprayers are with you and your family. I will hug my cat Sapphire for you I know she sends her best to you as well. ((huggss)) Gypsy

  29. Wil – I’ve been lurking for ever so long and just had to come out of the woodwork to express my sympathy. I hope you are comforted by the knowledge that you made two wonderful creatures very happy during their time on earth. I think when it comes down to it, that’s what we’re all really here for – to love one another, and to appreciate the gifts (such as pets) that life brings to us. I gave my aging Nicky extra special attention last night when she came to snuggle in my arms. Somehow, it was if she sensed that kitty love was on my mind. I hope you and your family are able to feel the love and support sent your way by all your “friends” here.

  30. I’m so sorry. We recently lost our cat Trina to a busy road. Your loss sucks even more in light of all the time and money you have spent lately trying to keep them healthy, which I admire you for.

  32. Wil, I am so sorry. He went peacefully and you know he will be waiting for you up there. He missed his mate too much I guess and was need up there more than here. Hugs to you and your family. Take care and try to smile.
    Love Lesley

  33. I’m so, so sorry, Wil. Losing one beloved beastie is heartwrenching enough; I can only imagine how sad you must be.
    I hope that the grieving process brings you comfort, and that someday when you’re ready another fuzzball will walk into your life.

  34. Wil,
    My cousin and i are so sorry for your loss! Kitties are a constant factor in our house too… and no matter how many times you lose a kitty, its never any easier. they’re each a little person of their own… Take care! i know you have your family to lean on, and vice versa. *hugs* ~jo and Bekah

  35. Wil,
    Take a few days to grieve for sketch, cry your tears. When they’ve dried up, head on over to the shelter or an adoption set up at a PetSmart or something…and get another wuss. So many need homes, and they have the best way of fonding a place in your hear you didn’t even know existed.
    Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
    When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
    There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
    There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
    All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
    The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
    They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
    You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
    Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
    Author unknown…

  36. I’m sorry, Wil. Having a cat that is my shadow, best friend, and annoyance sometimes, I know how much that hurts.
    Oh, I feel like crying too.

  37. Dear Wil and family,
    I’m so sorry to hear you lost another member of your family. I don’t really know what else to say, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re all in my thoughts.
    Much love and hugs,
    Michele from Toronto

  39. I’m so sorry this happened. At least the kitty passed in the home where he was adored and nurtured, and he wasn’t alone.
    *positive vibes to you and yours*

  40. As a cat owner, I understand how much they can be a major part of your life. Especially when it’s time to kick back and relax at home. I’m truly sorry for your loss.

  41. I’m so sorry about Sketch. He was home where he knew he was loved and that’s the best you can do. He’ll always be with you in spirit… Now he and The Bear can be together again. Have a good cry…it’s okay to miss them.

  43. Dear Wil,
    May you and your family remember your Sketch with the same love that I, to this day, remember for my Alex. They are the quiet angels in our lives that we are blessed with for too short a time.
    ~ Alli

  44. What can I say, to lose one cat is bad, to lose two… terrible.
    Thinking of you and your family – take your time over this and remember the good times with Felix and Sketch.

  45. “Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.” A. Sachs
    Please take some small comfort knowing that your kitties truly lived, and you and your family’s lives are the better for loving them. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
    Ignatz

  46. Dear Wil and family,
    I was very sorry to hear about Sketch. I know it’s small comfort, but at least his passing was quick and Anne was with him. I’m sure he and The Bear are happy to see each other again.

  47. Hey Wil…
    Cat’s are endowed with a special purpose.
    When their purpose is done, they move to a higher level.
    Maybe he had to leave to join your other cat.
    -tmp

  48. Grief is the photonegative of love. The whole world goes black while you blaze white-hot. I know the fire you’re in. It burns away impurities, makes you stronger. Love isn’t for sissies. I still love and remember all of my cats. The two current are six months old and I know they’ll die before me. I am =not= afraid to walk to that Gate again – the journey is Life itself. Sit down, take a break, mark this place (as you have before) in your life and go forth to love again. Be a hero.

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