Several years ago, I participated in a fund and awareness raiser in San Francisco for the Electronic Frontier Foundation‘s chillingeffects.org, where I made a speech, and participated in a celebrity boxing grudge match with Barney the Dinosaur.
The whole thing was about fair use and parody rights, and it was the awesome. It was held at DNA Lounge, with an after party that I was criticized for leaving early (read: after three hours, rather than when the sun rose) by morally outraged and holier-than-wil participants who couldn’t be bothered to find out: 1) how many totally spun people got up in my shit and completely freaked me out, (the answer is one, but that was enough) and 2) how many hours I’d already been awake by the time I left a few minutes short of complete exhaustion (the answer is close to twenty, including six hours of "I’m-Entertaining-People" time, which is like eight hours of regular time.)
Before I so rudely left the party, I got to hang out with lots of awesome NorCal folks (thanks for the water, you guys — I’m running some out into the street right now, just for you), one of whom brought this rather . . . unique . . . sweater, which I was asked to wear.
I’ve been in the public eye long enough to know that doing things like wearing an incredibly ugly sweater and posing for a photograph while wearing said sweater is bound to result in something Not Good, but the sweater was hilarious, and in the spirit of the evening (not, I might add, in the spirit of lots of Guinness. I was too tired to avail myself of the DNA’s fantastic bar that night), I went ahead and posed for the picture you are now trying so hard to get out of your brains.
About once a year, this photo (which was taken by my friend loren, who never gets credit for it, you bastards) surfaces, and makes a brief run around The Internets, where it is the subject of much speculation by random people are are just positive they know what they are talking about, like "Well no wonder his career bombed." Oh! Burn! I am so nailed by your clever insight! Someday, I hope to achieve whatever it is you’ve achieved, Anonymous Internet Genius! Allow me to retort, in a vernacular you may understand. "Your leik so right! I am a such a looser!"
If anyone is still reading, and is interested in knowing exactly what the ugliest sweater in the world (sorry, Mr. Cosby, but it’s true, and you lost) is all about, take a look at the Clown Sweater Project’s page at Internet Archive, where we learn that
"I found this sweater at the Salvation Army thrift store on Valencia Street in San Francisco a few years ago. It cost me $3.75. It has proved to be a good investment."
There is also a page featuring photos of all the hapless souls who have had their careers ruined by the Curse of the Clown Sweater in one place, which takes about a year to load on my cable modem, or fifteen years if you’re on dial-up. If you’d like to find out what happened to that once-promising co-worker of yours, but you don’t have one to fifteen years to invest, try this page which breaks up the collection into slightly more managable chunks. Unfortunately, archive.org stops at the first page, so if you’re manic about looking at all the pictures, you’ll have to go to the page with all the photos. See you in ten to fifteen years. (If I may offer a bit of advice: spending one to fifteen years waiting for photos to load on The Internets may cause your career to bomb almost as fast as posing for one picture while wearing an ugly sweater. But do whatever you want, man. I’m not the boss of you.)
Whenever something like this hits a new unique online community (in this case, people who like to knit), a bunch of new readers will show up to see what all the fuss is about, with their preconceptions of me locked-and-loaded. If you’re one of those people, I’d like to welcome you to my bit of madness on the intarweb, and encourage you to read some archives before you send me e-mail about what a huge idiot I am for [your reason, which you’ve formulated in the span of fifteen seconds based on a quick skimming of one or two pages of my blog goes here]. Now, before you decide that I hate knitters, I should point out that my wife does Stitch-n-Bitch from time to time, making totally awesome hats for cancer patients, which totally rules. I do, however, really hate the Oakland Raiders, Toronto Maple Leafs, people who lie, dishonorable people, milk, neo-cons, paying too much for parking anywhere, and this pain in my right hip that just won’t go away.
Welcome to WIL WHEATON dot NET: in Exile. Enjoy your stay, and look out for the snark. It runs wild around here.
That’s a sweater that makes a statement. I’d have worn it to my squadron Christmas party just to show everyone that I don’t care what people think about me. Life’s too short not to have fun.
Joe
Its sad how quick people are to offer thier judgments of others, rather than take a look at themselves. It sucks that because you are in the spotlight you catch more shit than the rest of us.I would wear that sweater proudly and not because its been around. But because I like weird things like that.
Seriously Wil, that sweater rocks! 🙂
You know, if you wore that hideous thing to the WSOP next year, you’d seriously one-up Greg’s glasses in the freak-out-your-opponents category.
Oh, the love that must have gone into making that sweater. I have been reading your blog and the you-knit-what blog for a few months, gotta love it when worlds collide. Also loving the Weezer reference, you clever boy.
I think that sweater is Farkin’ highlareeous! I loved the Photoshop thread they did of you too (a month or two ago).
That is one of my favorite pictures on the internet and always makes me smile when I see it. Which seems to be once a month. People who use it as a reason to attack you as a person are mean. And mean people suck.
There are worse things than wearing a slightly bizarre sweater. However there is no better thing than hating the Toronto Maple Leafs — especially if you are a Montreal fan.
P.S. Thanks for the ditty bops link!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus. Barney the dinosaur grudge match was “several years ago?”
Damn, I’m getting old.
Milk?
You hate milk?
Milk is the raison d’être for teh boobies…
Hey Wil –
It’s been awhile since I’ve checked in at your Exile site. You sound tired and grumpy. Everything ok? Also, should I go ahead and officially change my link to this site? I’ve left up my regular WWdN link in the hopes that it would be back soon.
Happy… whatever you’re celebrating this winter solstice.
🙂
Hmm, how rude. The signature line link doesn’t go to my blog. You can reach me at cmdrsue.blogspot.com
That’s an awesome sweater!
Ironically, on Bloglines your post was accompanied by an ad for Oakland Raiders gear. I’m sure the team appreciates the boost!
A sweater only a mother could love on her son 🙂
I have been using WordPress but tired of it, so trying MT, and now I see you had problems. Oh dear, oh me or my, I’m doomed. LOL
How cool, I remembered my login info!
You haven’t done seven things for a while. That was always something I really enjoyed. I’ve started it up on other boards I’m a member of, always referencing back to you of course.
Why did you have to frown in the picture? Couldn’t you have taken a funny pose or something?
Only thing I’ve found in a long, long time as funny as that sweater:
Click here. (Apparently a true story too, since the university’s looking into it.)
Starts like this and only gets better:
ME: Do do do do WHOA!
HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
ME: What?
HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON’T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on)
ME: Before I come into my office?
Wow. That is the scariest sweater I’ve seen in all my life. I totally want one.
I have a special hatered for ‘The Leafs’. Man, that Darcy Tucker and Tie Domi just… rrrr DIRTY HACKS!! Go Sens Go!
/and Go Wil Go! too, of course.
Ok… this Is the worst sweater I have personally seen!! I fell on the floor In fits of laughter and, all that I could think of was cLooooooowwwwwnnnn!!!( a variation of Trrraaaiiinnn!!) That sweater should be standard wear at every poker tourney that you go to and, absolutely the next trekcon you speak at!!! Its fabulous wil!! thanks for the laugh! buh-bye
I hate milk because milk (and all its derivatives) hate me, in a terrible, painful, oh-my-god-i’ll-never-eat-cheese-without-lactase-again sort of way.
I am a little grumpy today, but it will pass.
Go Kings!
Oh, and I should also point out that I do not own, have access to, or would ever wear again under any circumstances the Infamous Clown Sweater.
Sure, just like that wasn’t you getting hot and heavy in that kid’s office. We believe you, Wil…
I certainly hope that the reason you can no longer access that sweater is because IT’S BEEN DONATED TO THE SMITHSONIAN.
Truly that thing is a national treasure.
Wil – I’ve read most of your blog entries, even going back through the archives and spending an ungodly number of hours reading about your life. I’ve bought “Just a Geek” and “Dancing Barefoot”. I’ve watched “Stand by Me”. I’ve seen the TNG epidsodes you were in. Your mention of Sudoku got me addicted.
BUT – here I am, performing my daily ritual of checking your blog, and I find out you dislike … nay .. “really hate” … the Toronto Maple Leafs. My God Wil – where did you go wrong!!? What childhood trauma caused you to “really hate” the best hockey team in the world?
I’ll have to read your future posts with a more critical eye, knowing now that you may not be playing with a full deck 😉
Maybe “really hate” is too strong to describe my animus toward the Maple Laughs.
But I’m a Kings, ‘Hawks, Habs, and Bruins fan. Pretty sure the Leafs are sworn enemies to at least one of “my” teams, so there’s that. Then there’s Doug Gilmour and Tie Domi. And the Leafs booting my beloved Los Angeles Kings from the playoffs one of the three or so times they made it past the first round.
Besides, we’re talking about professional sports rivalries; it doesn’t — nay, SHOULDN’T — make sense.
Another reason why you are an ok guy, hate for the dirtyrottengoodfornothingnevertowinanothercupinalltheirborndayS Maple Laughs!!!
GO CANUCKS!!!!!!
I love that fucking sweater. Yes, it’s ugly but somehow it fits you. I’ve seen it before and you know what? You need to use that pic for your obituary someday (which will be a good 60 years or more from now, I’m sure).
I hate milk too. I also hate Barney the Dinosaur and would give anything for a good swift lethal kick to the jaw.
But come on, you wouldn’t wear the sweater again for ANYTHING? EVER? Not even a night with Angelina Jolie? Not even for all the Red Dwarf eppies on DVD? There’s gotta be a price… 🙂
That is one spectacular sweater (and you may have made the perfect face for wearing it)
Now see, I’m not coming here because of the knitting. I was already here, and was tickled pink to see such a horrid example of one of my favorite hobbies. I myself made a chullo for a friend–finished it up last night, took it off the needles, and realized that my gauge was so off that it is apparently a chullo for a demented and tiny gnome.
Of course, it still looks better than that sweater! *grin*
Wil – you spelled way too many words correctly in that little retort there. It should look more like this:
“dewd! your liek soo rite. im suhc a lewz0r”
Love the pic, by the way!
Re the sweater of our discontent: “down here we all float!” Nothing warms my heart like an evil clown at a former pagan festival now co-opted by upstarts time of the year. Or Guiness… that has that old black magic too.
Holy crap, that is the FUNNIEST sweater I have ever set eyes on. The longer I look at that picture, the harder I laugh.
…
I just looked again and it really is hysterical. I would love nothing more than to get ahold of that sweater and walk around the mall, shopping in those super snotty stores that think they belong on Rodeo Drive.
“I do, however, really hate the Oakland Raiders, Toronto Maple Leafs, people who lie, dishonorable people, milk, neo-cons, paying too much for parking anywhere, and this pain in my right hip that just won’t go away.”
ROFL!!!
Let the games begin.
Ok … hate the Leafs if you want. That is what sports is all about … or something like that.
Hate Darcy Tucker too … but hate him for right reason: the truly impressive dives when he tries to draw a penalty. He really should be on the olympic diving team.
But back off Domi!! Old Cement Head has a good heart. He does a lot of charity work in this city and is truly loyal to the team … not something you see much these days.
P.S. Nice sweater Wil.
*Leafs* booting the *Kings* out of the playoffs? Talk to any Maple Leaf fan about the penalty that wasn’t called on Wayne Gretzky against Doug Gilmour in Game freakin’ 7 back in ’93. We’re not quite as grumpy about it as Buffalo fans are about Brett Hull’s Cup-winning goal, but close.
OK, I feel better now. 🙂
Yay! You like the Bruins! (me a lifelong Bruins fan, woe is me)
But huh? You say you like the Habs too?! How is that possible?
Here in New England, we HATE the Canadiens. Lots. It’s kind of like a requirement. 🙂
Hey! I’m a leafs fan, and Tie Domi is a pretty cool guy. He does a good amount of charity work and he’s a car enthusiast, which is cool in my books. But I can see why you’d dislike the Leafs with all those teams on “your” roster 🙂
The Habs never play the Leafs in the playoffs anymore though, which I think is sad.
Forgot to add – that’s a hilarious sweater. What did you do with it afterwards? Or did you not get to keep it?
fair use and parody rights rocks
that picture rocks
the sweater rocks
I’m lovin’ the guy who bought the sweater at the Salvation Army. . .it’s a unique person who sees potential in people’s throwaways. Other than eBay sellers, that is.
Yeah, Wil, you’re right. The Leafs suck. Go Flyers!
What I want to know is, WHO threw away a sweater like that? They should be punished for letting that thing out in the wild.
I think your career isn’t bad. That sweater should have been used for the cover of your book…
I kinda like the sweater! 🙂 can’t believe u hate the Raiders though. Thats kind of distressing. (ha-ha)
First of all, your expression is priceless, kinda Ricky Ricardo wondering why Lucy made him this new sweater.
Secondly, something makes me think George Clooney would love to own this sweater. He told the funniest story on Oprah about a practical joke he played on Richard Kind.
He set this joke up over the course of a year. Like this sweater, he came across the ugliest painting ever created set out for the garbage men. He picked up the painting and for the next year told Richard Kind that he was taking art classes. He would never let Richard see any of his “work.” Finally, on Richard’s 40th birthday, Clooney presented him with that hideous painting (to which he’d added his signature) by saying, “Most of my work has been bad, but my teacher thinks I finally created something special with this piece. It is so special to me, that I’d like you to have it.” Richard was touched and hung it on his wall. All their other friends knew the story behind the piece, but no one told Richard for something like 2 years.
Anyway, I can totally see George Clooney getting his hands on this sweater and giving it to one of his friends as the product of his knitting class. You should show him this photo next time you run into him. LA’s a small place, right? Don’t all famous people know each other? 🙂
Oh, I would also like to hear the story of the person who freaked you out. It seems like it would take quite a bit to freak you out, so it’s got to be an interesting story.
heh. i read “you knit what” for the snark – it’s in my “guilty pleasures” section of my rss aggregator along with “overheard in new york”, “dating horrors” and “postsecret”. your blog is not in that category, i promise.
i saw that, was impressed at the sweater, because holy fuck, that’s a fucking clown sweater to end all clown sweaters (it’s the sleeves that push it over the edge into greatness, really), and then thought “ooh, new influx about to happen at wwdn…”
I never thought I’d ever see the likes of that sweater again!
You see, I had one…when I was five. Though, no clown hair sleeves. I HATED IT. My mom made me wear it to kindergarten! She loved the damned thing.
So, it’s 1979 and I’m stylin’ in my cool olive green polyester flares and a satan-hell scary clown sweater. Why wasn’t I the coolest kid in kindergarten?
Probably cuz I also wore my hair in pigtails and got those tied with lengths of yarn.
Hey Wil,
I think the sweater is awesome and I think you’re awesome for wearing it. I read both blogs and I just want to say that if it comes down to having to choose, I’d choose yours. And thanks for not hating on knitters because of this. We aren’t all jerks.
One thing I disagree with – 6 hours of “I’m entertaining people” time is more like 12 hours regular time. (I do a lot of events where I feel like I need to be “on”). I’m impressed you lasted as long as you did.
two thumbs up for hating the Raiduhs and Leafs…if you’d like to read a fun column re: TML Arrogance, check out http://bolts.tbo.com/lightning/MGBD8VM5NGE.html
the best part is that it’s all true…
Liners: Minutes! EVEN TENS OF MINUTES
FutureMAN suggests to the folks suing Wikipedia that they might want to just edit the offending posts. They ask him to sit this one out on the side (because that is the place you sit ones out), because why must…
Okay, that may be the best/worst shirt ever, and the expression on your face is priceless.
I’ll try to defend my leafs…YAY Leafs…