I shoot Big Bang Theory on Monday before I go back to Vancouver to finish out the fourth season of Eureka, so I have scored an entirely unexpected bonus weekend at home with my wife.
Yesterday, we heard that Toy Soldiers was playing on local station KDOC (which was one of the truly great UHF stations here for my entire childhood). Anne told me that she'd never seen it before, so we flipped to channel 56 and began to watch.
We picked it up somewhere toward the middle, in a scene where we're all sitting around in our underwear at night.
"Why are you in your underwear?" Anne asked.
"Because that's what dudes do," I said.
She frowned for a moment, thinking, and then said, "how long did it take you to choreograph the upcoming sword fight?"
"Not long at all," I said. "Turns out it was a class feature."
She gave me a blank look.
"D&D reference."
She nodded, patiently, and turned her attention back to the movie.
I don't remember the exact line, but in the theatrical version, I say something like, "We should get a fucking machine gun, Billy. Wid a machine gun, we could shred dees muddafuckas!"
FUN FACT: Dan Petrie, the director, asked me to do some kind of New York accent for the movie. I was only 18, and didn't think to actually study up on a specific one, so I just did what sounded right in my head, and asked Dan to ensure that I never sounded "like Corey Feldman in Lost Boys." Dan has always said that he thought it sounded fine, but I'm not so sure. I trust and respect him, though, so I'm willing to accept that I hear (and see) this movie through a lens of self-consciousness that exists only in my mind.
The version we were watching, though, was the TV edit, so I actually say something like, "We should get a [jarring edit] machine gun, Billy! Wid a machine gun, we could [jarring edit] these money finders!"
Because, you know, that's how rebel dudes in bording schools talk to each other.
"Hey, what's up, money finder?"
"Oh, you know, just flipping around."
"Did you see those girls from Delta house last night? They were flipping hot!"
"Yeah, I totally flipped that girl Gina. Flipped her [jarring edit] yeah!"
"You lucky bad man! Well, see you later, money finder. I'm going to go get some ponies and get flipped up."
I've often thought that the TV edits of movies are pretty silly. At the End of Stand By Me, Ace says, "You going to kill us all?" Gordie replies, "Just you, Ace [jarring edit] you cheap dimestore hood." OHHH BURN! You can see that Ace is so horrified by what a mother flipping bad man Gordie is, he has no choice but to back down.
Anyway, we had a really good time watching the rest of the movie, Anne just enjoying the 1990 time capsule, me watching 18 year-old me and his painful fashion choices though the spread fingers of a facepalm.
Speaking of facepalm, I paused the movie right after Joey died (SPOILER ALERT – he couldn't handle a flipping machine gun, and didn't shred a single monkeyflapper) so I could share this with the world:
Though I give myself a lot of shit for things like my accent, the dangly ankh earring, and the endless scenes of underwear-clad dudes who were totally not gay, I should point out, and make very clear, that I like Toy Soldiers a lot. Even though it's incredibly dated, I'm proud to be part of it. I had a great time working on it, made some good friends during production, and gained several levels in acting and being an adult while we were on location.
Anne and I had a surprisingly good time watching it, and it seemed like every scene prompted a memory that I hadn't thought of in years. I had so much fun recalling them, I'm considering making my own commentary track as an mp3 and selling it at Lulu for a few bucks. You know, in all my vast amounts of free time.
If you want to watch Toy Soldiers in all its non-TV-edited glory, you can stream it from Netflix, or you could always buy the DVD … though I think it really needs to be viewed on VHS for maximum authenticity.
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Hi-larious, because the title of this post could apply to my husband as well.
Is VHS a filter option in iMovie yet? Retrofit some authenticity there! 🙂
That would be the greatest rifftrax (rifftrax.com) of all time.
I would buy that twice.
(eta I am in no way affiliated with rifftrax. I just love them and their awesomesauce.)
That’s always been one of my favorite movies. Your post made me laugh a lot, especially the facepalm about the ankh earring. It’s a time capsule for a lot of us — you have NO IDEA how much I cried at that moment in the movie when I was a kid. 🙂
I still have a dangly ankh earring. I still wear it to Goth clubs.
That appears to be one vast money finding tv screen, makes the earring horror so much bigger!!!
The Breakfast Club still holds my top spot for [jarring edits]. “I don’t think…that I have to sit…with you [Stinking Dummies]…anymore.” and, of course, “Level with me, Sporto, do you give her [some Hot Wild Affection?] That they even TRY to make some of these movies broadcast-“safe” is hilarious.
I own Toy Soldiers on VHS….Love this post, total blast from the past!
I do have this movie on vhs!!! I love it!!! It is very dated but isn’t everyone in their school pics. The editing cracks me up!
Oh, my, GOD I would pay cash money for a Toy Soldiers commentary. And don’t tell me you couldn’t get Sean Astin in the living room with you. Crack a couple of Red Dogs and share the memories.
It seriously is an awesome movie. The action scenes are genuinely tense, Andrew Divoff is an excellent bad guy, and it’s got the epic-est SWAT team raid in movie history. By weird happenstance I found a copy of the novel recently, read it, and actually thought the film adaptation was a big improvement.
THAT. is a brilliant idea.
I'm actually trying to make this happen. Details as they become available!
Pardon me whilst I squee.
SQUEE!
OK, Wheaton. A couple of thoughts on this one…
One, you were IN this movie, and you don’t own a DVD copy of it? Dude, it’s like $8.99 on Amazon!
Second, and you do address this in your writing. What is it like to suddenly discover that something you were in is playing on late night TV? Do you HAVE to watch it, just because, you know, you were in it? Or do you pass in the hope that something else, anything else is on? Does the fact that you were in the movie spoil it for you in the fact that it’s hard to watch for the story as you are too busy critiquing your acting?
A third item that you brought up here is editing for TV. I personally can’t stand it. I will turn off movies that I love to watch if they are ‘edited for TV’. Since the age of VCR’s, Cable TV, and DVD’s, why would I subject myself to an inferior product? It just ruins a movie for me. I mean, really, can you imagine watching Pulp Fiction on TV?
I haven’t seen Toy Soldiers, but I will now make a point of getting a copy on DVD.
My favorite tv edit has always been Die Hard 2: “Yippie ki ay, Mister Falcon!”
On another note, Toy Soldiers is such delicious nostalgia!
Regarding the intersection of Geekdom, Egyptian spirituality and Pratchett
Evil Wil strikes again, for it is not available to watch instantly on Netflix! http://imgur.com/dYOyY.png Always getting peoples hopes up and then dashing them to the ground.
Been a while since I saw this too.. but I don’t remember hanging out with other guys in my underwear. Hmmm… Keep rocking.
Oh, man – censoring for tv. I was linked to this last night: http://tv.gawker.com/5667748/the-most-ridiculous-edited+for+tv-movie-lines?skyline=true&s=i and reminisced about the time I saw Blue Velvet on tv (this was 20 years ago – they wouldn’t bother censoring it here [Australia] now). It was crazy how Frank went from terrifying to laughable.
Motherflipping Maurice Moss from IT Crowd agrees with your motherflipping curses.
I was hoping I could come up with something insightful or, at the very least, intelligent sounding here but all I can think of is “Jeebus! How big is that TV?!?”
I was going to say the exact same thing! I literally laughed through the whole movie. It was awesomely horrible.
Also, I totally had an ankh earring, too, and I wore it. *hangs head*
Not inspired by the movie, though. I haven’t seen Toy Soldiers. I believe it appeared to involve sadness, and I avoid movies that make me sad as a rule. (But I did watch Stand By Me.)
Bummer it’s not streamable on netflix, but I think it’s worth a spot in my queue!
One of the worst edits ever had to be USA’s Lethal Weapon edit: “mother funsters”
How badly does US TV cut films for violence/gore? I always find it ridiculous when “bad language” is cut but there’s some really hardcore violence in it.
I haven’t seen Toy Soldiers in a while, I think I have to rent it on DVD.
I had Toy Soldiers on VHS (how eleven year old me convinced my mother to buy it is still fuzzy), but it broke (actually it was broken by my cousin, the rotten mother grabbing bunker!). Then some years ago, I got it on DVD. No comparison. Unless the actors are doing the La Cucaracha when you pause, it’s just not the same.
As for Toy Soldiers itself, I’ve always liked it. Not much to complain about when cute boys are gratuitously lounging around in their underwear. Plus, it’s nice to see where Sean Astin learned all about fellowship. *grins at her own cheesy joke and stands by it…by not too closely*
I was JUST about to bring this one up. I still use this phrase to trash talk my friends when playing games. 🙂
Ooh ooh, how about a commentary track for stand by me?
What i’d really like is you doing a voiceover of dryfus’s
narration stuff, but there might be copyright issues.
Meanwhile i’ll add that pic to my set of meta-wheaton pictures.
I’ve enjoyed seeing you and sean astin at gencon, if not at the same time.
Our favorite TV edit is from Die Hard with a Vengeance. The local station here has a version where Samuel L Jackson’s character refers to everyone as “melon farmers”
I had just started my teaching career in Korea when this came out, so I have an excuse for never having seen it or knowing much about it at all. However, if you make a commentary track I shall surely buy it and watch.
Cheers,
My nephew’s Aunt Val
I don’t think any TV edit can match this one. Because Lebowski’s all about finding a stranger in the Alps.
I loved Toy Soldiers. I was so in love with you as a teen that I went out and watched it just to see more of your sexiness!
You know, back when it first came out, the sole reason I wanted to watch this movie was because you were in it 😛 *hides her embarrassed fangirl face*
Oh, and another vote for the commentary, I’d definitely buy it 😀
I’ve always had a little soft spot for Toy Soldiers. I loved the fact that the guy who does the Cadbury Cream Egg voiceover spots played one of the military guys.
I felt compelled to go watch it again when Andrew Divoff popped up on LOST.
In other completely unrelated but fun reminiscent sharings, I watched The Secret of NIMH with my kids for the first time today. Still a classic. “You’re right. He’s a loony!”
Johnny Dangerously is self edited. Fargging Iceholes.
I taped (yes, VHS) Blazing Saddles to watch later. I kept it. It was hi-larious how they made it safe for tee-vee!
Think about Blazing Saddles for a moment. Yeah.
Ok, they used sound FX in place of every *bleep*. Horse whinny was a fave. Campfire scene? There, too. I have the DVD, but I keep that VHS.
Kids…if you haven’t seen it? Lawn. Off. Now.
For what it’s worth, I can assure you that there are actual humans in New York and New Jersey who speak like you in that film.
And on behalf of all those of us who were young gay men circa 1990, we really appreciated you guys sitting around in your underwear in a totally not-gay way.
I usually pass up things I've been in ("I don't have to watch it, Dottie … I lived it.") but when I do find something like this, that I remember with such affection, I will stop for a few minutes and see what memories it shakes loose.
WTF? I can see it in my watch instantly queue right here.
Hahahaha. You're welcome.
Nice TV!
Toy Soldiers cast commentary by Wil Wheaton would ROCK! Adding your buddy Sean Astin would rock harder!
There’s something kinda cool and charming about the fact that your wife only just now saw (part of) one of your biggest films from your teen era, and she only happened to watch it because it was on TV. I always assumed that actors keep extensive home theater collections of their work and that their families go through and obsessively watch everything they’ve ever been in. The real version of reality sounds a lot more laid back. 🙂
Actually Wil there are 4 movies I try not to watch on tv because of the way they are edited and they are The Goonies, The Lost Boys,Stand By Me and The Monster Squad. If I do catch them on tv and since I pretty much know these movies by heart, I just recite the missing parts in my head. LOL. The 3 I mentioned are in my top 5 favorite movies of all time.
Does Wolfman have nards in the TV edit of Monster Squad?
Yeah he says that but all the swear words are either changed or edited out (which means if you have the closed caption on you see a “EDIT” in it) It really depends on what channel is showing them too, because it’s worse if it’s on regular tv I noticed. I know that the following quote from The Lost Boys gets edited like crap “You’re a god-damn shit sucking vampire, oh you wait til mom gets home!” If it’s in there at all they will edit it out so it’s “You’re a edit edit sucking vampire, oh wait til mom get home!” It annoys the crap out of me and kinda ruins watching my all time favorite movies on tv. Too much censor going on.
Vampires HATE it when you call them "sucking vampires", though. Man, that's an epic burn.
There are just cult classic movies you adore just are not meant to be seen edited out on tv. Right?
I have nothing but respect and admiration for you, so it pains me to say this to you, but Joey Trotta was a BAMF who carried an ample store of awesome with him everywhere he went. His graffiti-d pants and his tie-dye shirt and his skater bangs and his dangly ankh only reinforced how completely flipping awesome he was, and I will not stand here and listen to you berate him.
When you flip with Joey Trotta, you are flipping with my young adulthood.
\m/
What?? You’re in a movie where you’re in undies?? What have I been missing? (Yes, this gay man has had a crush on you since your ST:TNG days.) I’ll just have to go watch TOY SOLDIERS and catch up.
Didn’t you do an episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT where you were, also, in undies?
And, yes, 80’s style is, now, quite embarrassing.
Also, can’t wait to see Evil Wil Wheaton make an appearance again on TBBT. Still am having a hard time forgiving him for breaking up Leonard and Penny. 🙁 😉
As far as movies go that are violent in nature or have some degree of shoot’em up factor, I’m a spoiled. I can honestly say there is nothing like rolling along in a massive bulletproof behemoth, firing a .50 Cal till the barrel is scorching hot. It is NOT like a video game and no video game could come close.
“Toy Soldiers” had my wife at the time convinced but I just sat back wondering why the obvious moves weren’t being made. Kinda like watching survivor and wondering why they weren’t cooking the plant next to them as they whine about being hungry.
Hollywood does come out with a winner once in a while, Private Ryan, B.O.B. the obvious classics like Apocalypse and Full Metal Jacket. Lets face it will there are very few Directors who have been on the recieving end of small arms fire. SO how the hell would one know how to tell you to act?