In the last 18 hours, I’ve been overwhelmed with supportive messages from friends, people I’ve never met, and total strangers. Thank you. It means a lot to me to be embraced by so many when I feel like I took one on the chin, even though it was, in a lot of ways, delivered by my own fist.
Having a crisis of confidence really sucks, even though I know it’s temporary and will pass. Having depression and anxiety also makes things that really shouldn’t be a very big deal into Very Big Deals. I’ve felt like my meds aren’t working as well as they used to for about two weeks, and after feeling so profoundly awful yesterday, I made an appointment to see my brain doctor to figure out if I need something different or a higher dose, or whatever will help me.
So I guess the success I’m making out of this failure is a kick in the ass to get my brain back into shape, which is really much more important than any job will ever be.
I used to write a lot about Balance, how it was important to not take the peaks and valleys of life too seriously, how life was (for me) much better when I made an effort to take a long view of things, striving all the while to live as close to the midpoint of the waveform as I could. (Or is it the baseline? It’s been a long time since I did real science instead of the awesome imaginary kind I did on the spaceship or at Global Dynamics).
So today? A little Balance from yesterday: I had a voice over audition that I recorded in my house and sent to my agent, who sent it along to casting. The producers of that show liked my take on the character enough to bring me in for a reading in person. I also had a meeting today with some producers who pitched me a show that [REDACTED] and could be really awesome.
I think that, mostly, I felt like an idiot yesterday. I felt like an idiot for being so excited and confident that I’d done a great job that I talked about it in public before I knew if I got the job or not. I think it’s just my brain fucking with me, but that felt embarrassing and awkward to me.
But I’m going to make my brain better as soon as I can, and remember that Depression Lies until I can metaphorically stab it with a Q-Tip.
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I just had another thought — I’m guessing (actually, hoping) that you aren’t taking generic meds. I tried that last year and went through weeks getting worse and worse until I finally spent an entire day sitting around crying. And then I went back to name-brand, even though it’s expensive and my insurance doesn’t cover it. (I have Opinions on that issue but you can probably guess them.) Generic antidepressants are NOT the same, and don’t let the doctor or anyone else sucker you into settling for them. I give up other things to pay for my meds because I know that without them, I wouldn’t be able to work at all.
Also, if the depression is really, really bad, give Healing Mind System 2.0 by Dr. Jeffrey Thompson a try. That day that I was sitting around crying, I listened to that album twice and it calmed me down. I don’t know how it works, but it does. Hang in there!
It takes incredible strength to dust yourself off and get back on that horse (sorry for the cowboy analogy…it being Rodeo here in Houston and all). The fact that you’re able to ponder, see an up side and move on is a big step in itself. It’s certainly easier in life to do nothing then to put your energy into something that might fail. I don’t honestly think you’d have had the life you have up till now if you’d been the kind of guy to stay down for long. It’s perfectly human to say “well that sucked and it made me feel like crap.” Here’s to better days!
I have these hill and valley weeks and believe that the more time I have to my own thoughts the worse I become. I’m much better when I can spend time with good, respectful, genuine people and like Ive done recently by hosting a board game night, it’s been a super important exciting part of my life of late and mainly because of the social interaction and support even though the people there don’t realize how much its helping me. I also can’t express how wonderful and helpful my wife is and she does an amazing job of supporting me each and every day. I’m currently looking for the appropriate balance in my life and believe that I’m on the path now to better understanding my anxiety and depression. Certainly helps to find the right medication.
Thanks WW.
Dan Mazzarella
Hi Wil- I’m the person that gave you a letter on Friday at Comicon. Please don’t read it. I’m just in a really bad place right now and my brain makes me do stupid things. I think social media lets us regular people into famous people’s lives, and it’s kind of like you become our friends. (Or we feel like we could be friends if only we could meet you.) Most of my real friends have moved to other cities, my physical disabilities keep me from doing what I want and recreating with others, and my depression makes people run away. So I don’t really have any friends other than my husband and my sister. Sad and pathetic.
I won’t bother you again in any format except maybe Facebook comments. I’m sure it’s hard to keep people you have not chosen to be in your life out of your life. Keep being you and changing the world one post at a time.
Take care-
Alexandra