When you really want to write something — anything at all — but your goddamn depression is sitting on your chest, making it really really hard to even reach the keyboard, so you end up with a folder of abandoned drafts.
And you feel like shit because you aren’t making anything, or creating anything, or actually doing anything. And you desperately want to make something, but whenever you start, depression wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear, “Why bother? You know how much you suck.”
And you know that depression lies, but you listen to it anyway, and you don’t even know why, but you do. It’s like you can’t tune it out and ignore it, even though it’s getting in between you and the thing you love to do more than anything else.
And that folder of abandoned drafts starts to feel like a monument to your own failure, and even though you could just delete it, you don’t because you know there’s something decent in there, and you just have to find it somehow.
Because you know that you have a good life, and you know that you do some cool things, and you know that you can make things, that you have made things, you decide to stand up, even with the weight of depression doing everything it can to hold you down.
And you struggle. And you push. And you struggle some more.
And finally you stand up. And you take a deep breath, and then you fall down again.
And then you try to stand up again, and you start to wonder if you’re just feeling sorry for yourself, but then depression reminds you that you’re not feeling sorry for yourself, you’re just acknowledging that you’re the least talented of all your friends and everyone knows it but you.
And then you remember that depression lies, so you keep trying to stand up and push it off, and believe in yourself.
And it’s really fucking hard.
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Keep trying to stand, sir. You’re right, depression is lying to you, and you know the truth somewhere in there. We believe in you.
It is a burden some of us just have to bear forever. You can work around it, and you can set it aside for a time, but it always comes back eventually. You just have to remember that you *do* get those good days. Silver lining and whatnot.
Keep your chin up, Wil. There are tons of us out here who really appreciate the value that you provide (not speaking strictly of entertainment here, either).
Man, this hits so home with me it’s like I wrote it. I have that exact folder of unrealized whimsies on my laptop. I have started blogs recounting my time on dialysis to just things on my mind. I’ve heard from partisans that I am good at this writing thing but that whisper always convinces me they have to say that. They’re friends, or family. They’re being nice. This is a great read. Very motivational. I hope you kick that whispers ass as I’ll try to. Keep doing everything you do. It’s all great.
I believe in you
Yes.
I always feel such a connection when you write about depression. I really need to go to the doctor…I’ve been off my meds for depression and anxiety for 7 years (it wasn’t the right mix for me and know-it-all college kid decided to just let the prescriptions end and not visit the doctor again) and it’s really starting to wear thin on me. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone in this fight.
There are a lot of us… even if I am completely cured , and have been for a couple of years, I still feel kindred to people who explain how they feel, and I know that we are alike in matters of depression and anxiety..
hope you find a way to overcome.. hugs
Yes, it is hard. It sucks. But standing up, no matter the difficulty, is better than lying down. A folder of unfinished drafts is better than an empty folder, no matter the content. You have a powerful voice. You use it well. Hear ours, we like you, We like what you write. We like what you build. We like it.
Thank you for being able to express and put into words everything that I’m feeling but can’t say myself.
And depression does lie. You’re an amazing person that does so many cool things. You’ve also help my boyfriend and I become boardgamers and expand our game library.
Don’t worry if you can’t stand up today. There’s always tomorrow to try again.
Wil, please know that you are appreciated. I consume a lot of the content you put, out, and it is often the highlight of my day. You sir were my favorite character on TNG and my favorite episodes of BBT and Eureka were often graced with your presence. I imagine even content your not happy with, make others laugh and smile. I enjoy your serious moments too.
A word of advice about depression ( I suffer too) Make a change to your routine. This can often get you out of a rut.
Half the battle is knowing that the lie is trying to keep you in the hole. The other half is telling the lie that it has no control over you. Remember you have a loving family and they are on your side, not the depression. You are an awesome guy. From what I see you are an awesome dad, husband and certainly not a dick.
I know the feeling so very well. And you’re better than that, don’t let your depression convince you otherwise.
Punch that depression bitch in the FACE. Wishing you strength and sending you support. <3
Keep going Wil. You are a great source of inspiration in my own struggle to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. To echo Clara, we believe in you!
Gah. This is my life right now.
But I would add: there are things you do, perhaps by the rote mechanism of being alive, of fulfilling your responsibilities, of making sure the kids get off to school on time. Depression whispers in your ear that it’s not good enough, that it doesn’t count, that it isn’t worth anything. Even when it’s good, even when it makes a real and positive difference. But because depression lies, and because you listen to it even though you know it lies, it’s so damn hard to even think about approaching that keyboard, or that paper, or that canvas, or instrument.
But every once in a while, when you’re losing yourself in someone else’s creation – even when you *know* that it’s fantastic and you will never be or create anything nearly as good – you can see a little bit of what you’ve done, what you’ve started and never finished, or what you’ve put out there because you just can’t muster up the creative talent to do something better. And you look at that bit, that dust mote, that spark, and think: OK, maybe it’s not that bad after all. Maybe I *do* make a difference. Maybe doing what I’m doing now is enough, until I can do more. Maybe, just for a moment, I won’t listen to the lies.
The pulverized remains of past dreams make a nice mound from which to pitch new ones.
It’s so so hard.
For years and years writing was my life, and suddenly, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t call up the interest. I no longer believe in anything I did.
So I won’t lie or try and sugar coat things. Just know that you are strong, even when you are struggling. You have people in your life that will look after you, and don’t be afraid to pretend that things are anything other than hard if that is the case. Know that you *have* created things that people love and have inspired them, and one day it will happen again. But don’t pressure yourself or tell your self that you are not talented (although i know that that in itself is such a hard thing to acknowledge or believe.)
You’re doing really well. Sending good juju your way today.
Yes–all of this. I always struggle with feeling like this in January–it’s so hard when there’s no light and it’s so cold (at least where I am) and everything feels insurmountable. Tackling anything just feels impossible. I delay and avoid and procrastinate some more–if I don’t start, I can’t fail, right? Even the possibiility of success is scary–then there is more to live up to.
Thank you for reminding me that we’re not alone. At the risk of sounding like pure Velveeta, we can struggle and stand up together.
Amen to this post. I have battled depression for some time. Things got darkest after the death of my mom. I find myself in exactly the situation you of which you just wrote.
It doesn’t matter how many times you read or hear that you need to change the way things are… It always seems to come back to this everlasting fight with darkness.
Dear Wil, while I am lucky enough not to have experienced first hand what you are talking about, my wife is in the hospital currently with depression and PTSD and I feel like what you described is partially what she feels.
I don’t know what to write right now but I want you to know that you touched something very deep within me and I cannot see the smartphone keyboard properly because I am crying.
Stay strong. And keep talking about your feelings. I am far away from you, but right now, that doesn’t matter.
Just wanted to say I am thinking good thoughts for your wife and for you. *Hugs*
Thank you, I appreciate it.
It’s like you’re inside my head.
“And it’s really fucking hard.”
“So you keep trying.”
This is what I took away from your post and what I always take away from your inspiring honesty about your struggles with depression. Thank you for reminding me that depression lies.
I’ll keep working on my drafts if you will.
I’m going through this right now with you, Wil. You’re not alone. We’re going to get through it.
R’amen, Wil.
And hugs.
Depression is why Ben and Jerry’s makes Half-Baked. All kidding aside it sounds like you need to take a walk. Take a dog with you. And if you can try to make up dumb little songs for them. They’ll appreciate it.
It makes me feel guilty that I am relieved when I’m reminded that there are other people who know what this kind of depression feels like. Who know what it’s like to not be able to take a deep breath because of the crushing weight of something heavy and hard to define. I don’t want this for anyone, but I am grateful that you can share your words. I have so much respect for you.
Thank you for sharing. I have been struggling recently myself, and I am worried of slipping back to my cycle of depression and never be able to make any headway in my goals. I appreciate you reminding me that it is an ongoing battle and the only time that I lose is when I stop pushing myself forward and just let myself be taken away in the tide of hopelessness.
I stumbled across this on twitter and I am so glad I did.
I am sitting here in my office, so behind with my work that it is making me physically ill. I am afraid I will lose my job. I feel that you know what I am going through, and that means a lot. I feel less alone.
Thank you.
http://zestydoesthings.tumblr.com/post/61131470551/the-real-monsters-are-reborn-upon-getting-so
Wil, you make things a little easier for those of us who also suffer these things EVERY SINGLE TIME you write about them. And you talk about the risks you take and the cool things you’re doing – and those things are madly encouraging to hear about too.
Depression lies. I tell truths! ALL OF THEM.
The two best things i ever did for myself, was go to a counselor (just one of those “sit and talk it out” kinda counselors… the kind that just listen most of the time) and get back on antidepressant medication.
It took losing most of my friends, and almost losing my marriage, for me to realize how depressed i was. take heart in the fact that you know that stone is sitting on your shoulders… that you realize why you feel the way you feel… and take heart in the fact that many people truly, honestly care about you.
Whether you seek medicinal treatment, is a personal decision… “Better living through chemistry”… it’s not for everyone… but you might consider going to someone, sitting down, and just talking… rambling on about your thoughts, and worries, and dreams, and nightmares, until epiphany hits, and things seem a bit clearer. 😉
It works for me at least!
Stay strong brother!
yes. I do know.
I wish there were a way to show you in return the lies that your brain is telling you in a way that makes it feel real and not just a thing you have to keep telling yourself. Reading this, though, helps me to see the lies my brain is telling me right now, the lies it’s been telling me for days – weeks – months – years. (The last couple of months especially have been almost crippllingly bad.) You see the folder of unfinished drafts – what I see is this post, the one you wrote even though it’s hard and put out here for all of us to see. The post that helps me to put a little crack into the armour my lying brain wears, just big enough so that I can make it through the rest of today with my head held high. Thank you, for this.
Exactly. But if those of us with depression band together, someone can tell you that it’s bullshit and that you’re an amazing, talented person.
Just remember all those abandoned drafts mean you at least started something. That’s more than some people can say. I had trouble making things so I gave up. And I’ve been working in a cubicle for 20+ years. Don’t give up. It sucks even more.
You sir are an awesome person. Talented enough to speak to the truth of depression. Giving the best description of what I feel when depression settles in for a nice long stay. Remember that though you feel alone, useless and untalented it is just the depression talking. We, the many that follow you, think the world of you. Not just because of what you have done, but because of what you will do. What we know you can do. Again, You are an awesome person.
But here I dreamt I was an architect.
The power of the brain kills me. You know you aren’t the only one. You know you can do it. You know you want to want to do it. Hell, you know you have done it. But you can’t. You convince yourself there’s just no point or that you aren’t capable. It’s a terrible feeling and one I live with daily. Just knowing someone out there goes through the same torment reminds me that I’m not alone, and that is comforting and makes me feel better. Thank you. You rock.
I can’t tell you how often I feel this way. I’ve started sending myself text messages of encouragement. It’s silly, but it helps to know that somewhere inside I believe in myself.
Sending good thoughts your way!
Wow… I think I could have written this, I’m going through something very similar at the moment. Depression really does fucking suck, but you’re not alone!
It’s probably a little bit weird, but I somehow get comforted when folks like you and The Bloggess post about the Lies Depression tells you about yourself and your work. I know it doesn’t help you any, but as a 24 year old unemployed wannabe novelist whose had depression for over a decade, knowing that the awesome people I admire and look up to feel the same way about their work reminds me that maybe mine isn’t as bad as I sometimes feel.
I only hope that you have people that do the same job for you. Because your work is awesome. And even if it weren’t, you still work hard, and do your best, and that’s pretty gosh-darn admirable too. I hope the black cloud moves on soon. In the mean time, have some internet hugs.
I hear that, Anytime i get to thinking that way, i look around and find that there is always someone worse off than me, after 23 yrs of serious health problems, surgeries and still on 23 different meds a day, I have found 4 words that sustain me. “This Too Shall Pass” Hang in there Wes..
Remember that each draft is a brick in the castle you are building…
http://montypython.50webs.com/scripts/Holy_Grail/Scene13.htm
FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show ’em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one… stayed up! And that’s what you’re gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
I’m glad you wrote this. Because even if it isn’t the thing you wanted to write, it might be the thing I (and many more) needed to hear. So thank you. You’ve made a nice safe place here for us depressives, and I’m grateful for it. For the reminder that we’re all here to help each other up, even when we can’t figure out how to help ourselves.
THIS! Dear mystical forces of whatever you may or may not believe in, THIS!!
Wil, I know I have no right to ask for anything but, if you could somehow impart wisdom on standing and fighting this beast, I would greatly appreciate it.
In the meanwhile (and at the risk of being highly hypocritical), I charge you to stand, sir. STAND!
You sir are excellent and a talented SOB. I have that lonely folder on my desktop as well. Just know that there are always people who see your talent and it makes them aspire to achieve greatness. I know if it wasn’t for you and all the things you do I would definitely not have aspired to get out of the mind numbing job I was at before.
Hi Wil,
I was writing a reply, that became to long.
If you care to read about it, its on my blog.
I used to suffer really badly as well. I overcame it.
You deserve to be happy. take care..
http://tommystarsson.blogspot.se/2014/01/a-letter-to-will-wheaton.html
*Brohug*
Right there with you, man
Thank you. I feel much the same way. Quite often for months at a time. So we soldier on and keep pushing and try to make the world better, and hopefully our lives better.
Thank you for this.
You know, I’ve been trying to record my first YouTube video for my YouTube channel as well as write new articles for my blog/website and it has been very hard with the ADHD and Anxiety issues that I’ve been facing too. I keep looking at all of my Evernote notes of projects that I’ve wanted to complete and can’t seem to get the nerve or courage to finish what I’ve started. If I do, I feel the absolute struggle that you are going through just trying to even publish anything remotely.
Keep enduring! You are an inspiration to many, including myself.