When you really want to write something — anything at all — but your goddamn depression is sitting on your chest, making it really really hard to even reach the keyboard, so you end up with a folder of abandoned drafts.
And you feel like shit because you aren’t making anything, or creating anything, or actually doing anything. And you desperately want to make something, but whenever you start, depression wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear, “Why bother? You know how much you suck.”
And you know that depression lies, but you listen to it anyway, and you don’t even know why, but you do. It’s like you can’t tune it out and ignore it, even though it’s getting in between you and the thing you love to do more than anything else.
And that folder of abandoned drafts starts to feel like a monument to your own failure, and even though you could just delete it, you don’t because you know there’s something decent in there, and you just have to find it somehow.
Because you know that you have a good life, and you know that you do some cool things, and you know that you can make things, that you have made things, you decide to stand up, even with the weight of depression doing everything it can to hold you down.
And you struggle. And you push. And you struggle some more.
And finally you stand up. And you take a deep breath, and then you fall down again.
And then you try to stand up again, and you start to wonder if you’re just feeling sorry for yourself, but then depression reminds you that you’re not feeling sorry for yourself, you’re just acknowledging that you’re the least talented of all your friends and everyone knows it but you.
And then you remember that depression lies, so you keep trying to stand up and push it off, and believe in yourself.
And it’s really fucking hard.
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Depression also tries to tell you that you’re the only one who feels like this, which is another blatant lie (says yet another member of the club). BDTD, and it never seems to get any easier.
totally agree with you.. it is a lie..
Thank you. Needed this today. You might not have written what you wanted but you made me remember that depression lies.
All I know about depressions is, that there isn’t something one could say to ‘make it better’. But my ex-girlfriend also explained to me that good words won’t be overheard and even when they do no good, they won’t do bad either.
About that working hole you’re sitting in, as a creative-designer I know that very well. When I fall into a hole like this, I tend to try as hard as possible and after work I design just for myself. That helps most times, because what I do, is what I like and that way expectations are fulfilled.
And those days, when even this won’t work I decide between film and book. Last week when I needed a little outbreak from designing a database (worst enough) I read a little book I had in my tablet for quite some time… “Where no one has gone before and data lore from memories of the future” by Wil Wheaton…. and it provided me with exactly what I needed at that moment
I know it won’t help you getting back on track again, but I thought you should know that YOU help others out of those holes and this is far more than my work ever could.
Get better soon and best wishes from germany….
For what it’s worth: depressions sucks, lies, cheats and does a myriad of things except one. Aspire. Only people aspire. We create, build, heal, procreate, enable and love. Depression can’t do those things because they are all in your Aspire file. So, Wil Wheaton. I admire you candid comment on depression and I understand what you go through. I hope you can open THAT file. Be well, be safe. Izzy
I have a hard time remembering that depression lies. Thanks for the reminder.
And what’s worse is that you are doing it for a college class that you wonder why you bothered with when you’re so stupid, and everyone is 25 years younger than you, and there’s a due date of 8 hours with an essay, and 2 assignments left and you’re never going to get it done on time because never mind that you made Deans, AND Presidents list, it’s been a bad week that you can’t crawl out from under because you’re a stupid loser that can’t do anything right……. Oh wait, that’s me. Carry on!
I couldn’t agree more….I have been struggling with depression for the past 10 years and reading about your struggles and how you deal with it inspired me to go to the Dr and get help as well. I always felt like I was admitting failure by going and getting help, but now I realize how much I suffered due to it. I’m not completely better, but I’m a lot better than I was, thanks to you Wil.
This was my yesterday, and part of today…and realistically probably tomorrow as well…Thank you, Wil, for letting me know that I am not alone…no matter how much depression lies…or how often it whispers in my ear…
I am lucky that I have someone who is willing to listen to me, and tell me that the depression lies, and that they are not going anywhere, no matter what, or how bad it gets…and that really helps.
I think the thing I don’t like about those lies when it comes to me, is they disguise themselves as reason. I convince myself they are true because why would “I” lie to myself. Now I like to think of depression as suppression, makes it seem a little less permanent.
Wil, as a fellow sufferer I can understand the feels. Let me just say that you are an inspiration to many, a terrific role model and an amazingly awesome guy. You share so much of your life, that I consider you a friend that I’ve not met yet.
Stay strong buddy
Thank you.
Depression is a pain in the arse. My contract at work finished a month ago, and the Black Dog is making it hard to apply for a new position, because why bother? – I suck. Sometimes it’s hard to see the reality, that the pile of things DONE is far greater than the pile of things unfinished.
Writing is one of my hardest things, because writing makes me feel better once it’s finished, but sucks at my soul while it sits waiting. And who’s going to read it anyway? (It doesn’t matter how many hits you get, nobody read it. Or they all thought you were stupid…)
Knowing we are not alone is important, I think, so thank you for having the strength to talk about it.
Turn off your brain and turn on your hands, try to get into that mindless state of just doing;
just keep typing letter for letter, word for word, sentence for sentence even if it is bullshit… you can always edit or adapt it later on anyway. 🙂
Wil, I just wanted to leave a note here and let you know that, as a fellow sufferer of depression, it means so much to me that you are open about your struggles with it. It lets me know that I am not alone and reminds me that depression does lie. You tell us what your inner voice is saying to you and I can see that it’s full of crap. It makes me think just how much tripe I’ve swallowed from my own inner voice over the years. I’m not saying it gives me the strength to overcome it — depression is a very convincing liar — but it does give me the extra push I need to endure it.
(Incidentally, I don’t know if you remember me, but I interviewed you about horror movies at Phoenix Comicon several years back. We high-fived over Motel Hell, which remains awesome).
Well timed sir. I thank you.
I’m from Italy, i didn’t know you before TBBT and now i wait every week for some TableTop or else. And i think that last time you popped out in tbbt was a pure epiphany. And you have to become the president of Oasis. So think that you have a fan in italy that everyday walks under the pisa tower and come home and watch your show without subtitles, and he knows he will miss some pun you are making, but he still wait for it every week, because it’s hilarious and you are making great stuff. I hope i gave you a smile, that’s every fan wish 🙂
Drape your depression with the Cape of Dicks. It deserves it.
Damnit Wil, it’s so striking how you can both really mean these words, AND have the magnificent talent to put them on paper.
Aww, man. I am so sorry. As someone who deals with this crap regularly all I can say is you aren’t alone, you are definitely something, and we have your back.
Way to make me cry at work. This has been my uphill struggle the last couple of months.
I know these feels. It’s really fucking hard. Thank you for reminding me I should keep standing up.
Thank you for sending those words into the world. You are not alone.
Keep reading all of our words to you. We are with you.
I’m torn right now between curling up in a ball to cry or to eat a bag of chocolate chips. I’m not going to do either. I’m going to get myself up and play with my kid and do the laundry. Because depression lies, and anxiety lies.
But it sucks. Mental illness is a dick.
It’s a little easier for me to get through depression-induced anti-creativity when I know someone who is provably brilliant has the same problem. Comrades in arms, battling that horrible voice in our heads one word at a time. Thank you, Mr. Wheaton. Inspirational, as always.
Yup.
DITTO. And so do I.
Painful and real. I get it. Twenty-five years of dealing with depression and sometimes it feels like it never gets any easier. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for posting this – it came at the perfect moment for me.
Keep on pushing Wil. Depression lies its F@#$ing head off. it is nothing but a stack of lies. You ARE worth something. You DO create. You DO inspire. When it gets really hard – imagine the collective “us” behind you helping you push back at it and giving it the finger. Just breathe through the next minute. You can make it 60 seconds. Then repeat until you can see things the way they are without the haze of lies in front of your eyes.
Same
I’ve struggled with depression my entire life. I am constantly trying to help others out with their as well, it’s nearly become my ‘thing’ to do online. I constantly remind people that depression lies. Your brain is trying to trick you. And of course it’s working, cause it’s your damned brain. It’s not a failure that it works sometimes. But you have to always remember that depression and what it does to your brain is the enemy, and not yourself.
Tru dat. I have what I used to call Frag Books. Notebooks full of fragments. because I could never drag them through to completion. It sucks. Right ther witcha, brudda.
Giving you a hand helping to stand up.
Thanks Wil
It’s always great to remember that depression lies and that we’re not alone in having these thoughts/doubts/feelings.
I followed you because of Big Bang
I still follow you and read your blog because of you Wil
Nailed it. Just keep getting up.
I know that feel. *hugs*
How awesome is it that in a time when you feel unproductive and useless and any manner of dark thoughts you have created a place for so many people to realize they’re not alone and that they cared for even when they cant care for themselves because we can all sympathize. Face it, Wheaton you can’t NOT create and be successful. 😉
HI Wil … Ummm … This is The Draft Folder. I just wanted you to know that I don’t think of myself as something that’s full of abandoned things that suck. I think of myself as the keeper of the truth of your talent. And I’ve got your back. When you’re ready – and I know you will be – I’m keeping your work safe from the lies. I’m sorry that the lies are making you dislike me. I think they do it because they know how good we are together. So I’ll be here for you.
The Vault of Truth! (maybe I need a new name, huh?)!
To: Draft Folder,
That my friend, is AWESOME
All I can say is thank you so much for writing this and sharing it. It takes a lot to be able to share your weaknesses and it’s brave. It’s also what helps other people (like me) remember that maybe I don’t suck. The good news is that I agree with your post below, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.” As I have rid myself of relationships that are not productive, loving or encouraging I have found that I am subject to fewer lies coming from outside my head. Funny how that minimized the lies coming form inside my head. Thanks so much!!
The fact that you pushed through it to post this, to help others who might also be struggling, says a lot about you and what a kind man you are. Thank you, Wil.
I work in depression research and have experienced it first-hand as well. You are so so right … depression lies. Continue the fight Wil, because it is so worth it. Research will continue and we will fight for a cure – a reliable relief-filled treatment … because it is worth it. And necessary. And so desperately needed.
And then you write something anyway. Something that speaks to hundreds, if not more, reminding them that they are not alone in their struggle. Reminding them that good things can come from, through, despite, something that lies so much. Thank you.
I have found in the moments when I cannot trust myself I trust in the words of others who I love and who love me. They have told me I can make good things. And so I let the muscle memory of creativity carry me awhile because even in depression it feels good to make something. And if it turns out that this particular something isn’t good I know it’s not a failure. It’s a step towards growth and away from the dark place. 🙂
It really fucking is. Celebrate the small victories. I got vertical today. You wrote a post. Keep pushing.
I know the feeling, dude (if I may call you “dude”).
You probably just need to get the heck out of your own head. Take a nice shower or something. Or if your shower plumbing sucks, go to a hotel that has great showers or something…
I don’t know why I’m talking about showers…
I just know that recently, sometimes I just am having shitty some day, and then I take a shower, and I feel great, and I don’t even know why I was feeling so bad earlier… especially if it is a good, warm shower with plenty of water flow. Ah…
And by “bad”, I do mean emotionally feeling bad, often with depressed feelings about…oh… EVERYTHING, me, this country, this world, this universe, and the various peoples in it. I shall not go into details as that’s not my point.
Sometimes, the emotions seem to cover very real causes: my feet are cold, I’m feeling a bit light headed, I’m hungry, I’ve got heartburn I’ve been ignoring (more due to laziness than anything), or I’ve been really stressed. Once this enlightenment hits, and often it is something I can immediately do something about, I do it, and, already, I feel better. And maybe its something you can’t do much about,but then―and I’m stealing from the playbook of the psychologist that treats me by saying this―you can ask yourself, “And then what?”.
Sometimes that thing that irks you hides your deep worries, but fortunately your deep worries are often about things quite within your control, and if you can allay some of your fears by doing something about your fears, and there’s not much risk, do it! Don’t forget, you are the only one in charge of YOU.
Knowing What You Can Do is often half of the battle.
Of course, maybe the problem is that you do know what you can do, and *that’s the problem*. Your instincts aren’t telling you what you ought to consider first, and your just stuck in this muck because you don’t want to pick the wrong choice. Again, that “And then what?” question comes into play… So you choose the wrong one, and then what? Follow those questions around; be a little bit curious. You may incidentally figure out which of those choices are bad choices and which are probably good ones! Or you may figure out what you can do to defend against the bad choices… or… something else.
Don’t put too much undue focus on things.
P. S. You are so courageous. A big thumbs up. Both hands.
…
Tangentially related: I try to not make myself too many promises. In fact, I think I wisely revoked a few I had made to myself earlier, because at the time I made those promises, I just wasn’t fully aware of the possible circumstances.
If there’s anything I’ve promised myself, it’s that: 1. as much as possible, I want yearn to be curious about what I can do next. 2. don’t make many more promises to myself than these two, because I’m an idiot.
BTW, I embrace my idiot-hood-ness, whatever…. that doesn’t mean I can’t also be a genius sometimes, too. 😀
You sir have succinctly described every day I get out of bed…as a long time sufferer of depression I find it hard to find those that can really relate to the struggles I go through. I applaud your openness and willingness to share what your struggles are…and I thank you Mr. Wheaton…for being that voice that let’s us know we are not so alone in this world…and that we don’t have to let the depression win.
I do know that feeling. I know it quite well. Keep fighting it and keep reminding yourself that depression is, in fact, a filthy liar.
I got up today. It was an immense struggle. I didn’t make anything, but I got through the day. I will struggle again tomorrow. Some days I make Cool Stuff, so I keep struggling to get to those days. I hear you. You are not alone.