When you really want to write something — anything at all — but your goddamn depression is sitting on your chest, making it really really hard to even reach the keyboard, so you end up with a folder of abandoned drafts.
And you feel like shit because you aren’t making anything, or creating anything, or actually doing anything. And you desperately want to make something, but whenever you start, depression wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear, “Why bother? You know how much you suck.”
And you know that depression lies, but you listen to it anyway, and you don’t even know why, but you do. It’s like you can’t tune it out and ignore it, even though it’s getting in between you and the thing you love to do more than anything else.
And that folder of abandoned drafts starts to feel like a monument to your own failure, and even though you could just delete it, you don’t because you know there’s something decent in there, and you just have to find it somehow.
Because you know that you have a good life, and you know that you do some cool things, and you know that you can make things, that you have made things, you decide to stand up, even with the weight of depression doing everything it can to hold you down.
And you struggle. And you push. And you struggle some more.
And finally you stand up. And you take a deep breath, and then you fall down again.
And then you try to stand up again, and you start to wonder if you’re just feeling sorry for yourself, but then depression reminds you that you’re not feeling sorry for yourself, you’re just acknowledging that you’re the least talented of all your friends and everyone knows it but you.
And then you remember that depression lies, so you keep trying to stand up and push it off, and believe in yourself.
And it’s really fucking hard.
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Hey Wil,
Just wanted to remind you that you *did* outsmart Sheldon “Moonpie” Cooper. No easy feat…
Wait. did I just mistake TV for reality again? Damn…
At any rate I feel your pain. I have the Draft folder affliction as well, and a work bench in my garage of half-started (not half-finished) projects, a pile of half-started XCode/iOS apps that I just *KNOW* will make me another of those iOS Dev millionaires… if I could just get off my ass and code.
My worst offense is I have a *completed* children’s book, that my daughter wrote, which I have been promising to finish editing and help her self-publish. So not only have I failed myself, but my kid who worked *really* hard, on a project that means a tremendous amount her. To make matters worse I have a TON of excuses why it’s not done – none of which have any real bearing on the issue at hand. I just dropped the ball.
Egregiously.
And to make matters worse still, it didn’t even make it to my list of New Year’s Resolutions, in fact, SAID LIST didn’t even get written. .
Okay, I’m going on record here, 2014 New Year’s Resolution List:
Item #1 Finish Editing “The Brown-Haired Child’s” Book and reassert my position as Greatest Dad Ever (Living In Our House).
There. No More Excuses™.
So, anyhow, I digress, but I just want to reassure you you got the Sk1llz to pay da B1llz. Literally. You’ve done several times that which I can’t get my shit together long enough to do ONCE.
Take a breath… Regroup…
Come. Out. Swinging.
You’ll be okay. 🙂
but i dreamed i was an architect.
thanks for sharing, keep trying <3
Yes, it’s really fucking hard. But then you do it. Slowly, fighting the voices, but you do it.
Thank you, Wil. Thank you so much.
Well written Wil, well written indeed.
Stephen King threw away his manuscript of Carrie and it only got published because his wife dug it out of the trash can and made him keep believing in himself. Don’t second-guess yourself.
I’ve been trying to write the exact same thing on my running blog. This should be easy by now, right?
I can never thank you enough for sharing yourself. You … we … are not alone.
You know it lies and yet in the middle, you always believe it… Thank you Wil for your work and your words and your humour and your kindness. Almost always, I have a friend who says something nice about me and what I do and it helps me feel better and like trying again. I hope you feel the love too! 🙂
Another Yup here.
Depression lies. And it’s so damned difficult. But don’t let yourself forget: depression lies.
Hey Wil.
Greetings from Germany.
I just wanted to let you know that I think that you are a person with incredible talent and that you often help others (myself included) to find the courage and energy to keep going.
I want to thank you wholeheartedly for everything you are doing. You make people happy and thats a truly wonderful gift!
Jumps down into the hole with you – I’ve been here before …
::nods head furiously to all the things and hides tears::
Aw shit, Wil, just look at this blog. You rock. Hang in there, sir.
This, so much! Thank all the gods that days like this are fewer & farther between with my meds.
Fragments are amazing. Keeping all your fragments is awesome.
Reminds me of two things:
George Carlin, I believe, used to keep file cabinets full of fragments: observations, jokes, notes, words. He’d put everything there, for those days he needed inspiration.
There is also literary tradition in Poland called an ABC book: it’s a collection of fragments (notes, autobiographical, character sketches, whatever) arranged alphabetically. The poet Czesław Miłosz’s is wonderful.
from someone who often wonders if saving all her “fragments” is worthwhile – thank you for the recommendations you posted. george carlin = genius and also never heard of that “abc” idea and it is very interesting!
Seems like I am one of many who needed to read this exactly today. It’s been a hard couple of weeks, but it’s less hard knowing others are going through the same thing. Thanks!
The very act of struggling to your feet is self-affirmation. Keep struggling.
Thanks, guy. Very well said.
Take out that letter you received at MegaCon this past year. The one from the woman who learned to walk again despite what the doctors told her because she KNEW she could one day walk up to meet you. Read that letter again. Hopefully with that your depression will have a little less of a grip on you.
No matter how much it lies to you, you are an inspiration to so damned many of us. For different reasons, at different times, sure. But even just writing this blog entry has helped a bunch of people.
Including the woman who relearned how to walk and suffers depression every day because of what the meds they gave her did to her body.
Depression lies, Wil. It takes real talent to articulate this so eloquently. Depression can go suck it when it tries to tell you you’re not talented.
I hear ya…I just came back from a sixteen month blogging ‘sabbatical’. It wasn’t depression induced this time (more akin to an anxiety issue) but in order to keep it going I dug into my Blog Bits – fragments I’ve pulled from at least fifteen years worth of unfinished drafts. I’m pasting each draft paragraph (or line of thought) into a post that will go up as-is; at least one scheduled per week. And if I never return to the idea to create a polished, finished post, well, at least the I put it out there, and didn’t let lack of self-faith keep it hidden forever.
WELL SAID. You did create something–it may not be what you originally intended but, there it is. Hoping that tomorrow is better!
Thanks for this.
I have a folder of drafts and text editors open to partially complete notes I haven’t touched in days or even weeks that stand testament to everything you’ve said.
I’ve been in a battle with depression since I was 15 years old, I’m now 52. No, it doesn’t get easier, or go away. And all those pills don’t help, but everyday I get out of bed and accomplish just one thing instead of sitting in a chair paralyzed, is a great victory. I find my joy and peace in very small ways.
Yup. Total liar. I adore your writing Wil! You are amazingly talented, and I always look forward to seeing the next thing you’ve created. I know what it’s like to stare at that damn blinking cursor, wanting to flagellate yourself because you know you have something inside you wanting to come out and you just can’t make it happen. Grab some play-dough or a paintbrush and make something else in a different medium. You don’t have to be the best – just know that people love you and your work and are thrilled with whatever you create. Keep it coming, and don’t let it grind you down!
brilliant!
Except that YOU do not suck, Will.
And you DO have a substantial body of work behind you as proof.
Yey, I imagine it is still hard for you, on you….
Sad.
Imagine, then, how hard it is for someone, then, who unlike you, does not have Anne, the pets, and that body of work standing behind him…
Sadder.
Now that is NOT much…. But it is a little thing to be grateful for.
Albeit I would take it that Anne is a large advantage…
Query:
How could a smart guy like you, get a lot of other smart guys and gals together…. And maybe find some things to help those other people.
Always remember that you are not alone. You are not crazy, lazy, or talentless. Your brain works differently than some, but you are one of many. When you can’t be strong, we will help because we know when we can’t be strong, you will help. Thinking of you, Friend. Peace!
Thank you.
Wil, I had a college lecturer once say that depressed people were the strongest people of all because they’ve had to learn how to pick themselves back up.
And as someone who has had issues with depression for many years I appreciate that you speak out about it. I dare say you’ve helped a lot of people in doing so.
Wil, you are amazing. You always have been! Keep fighting, keep standing back up. Know that you have people all around the world who are completely convinced of your awesomeness! Every comment has had some version of how fantastic you are – because you are fantastic!
Thank you.
And you forgot to mention the thousands of people who so much enjoy the things you make. We are all out here rooting for you. Keep up the good fight, Wil, we think you’re wonderful.
Thanks for this.
wil, you help so many people. so, so, so fucking many people. seeing you last year at the alberta rose was one of the highlights of my year. you don’t suck, your art isn’t lame, & your innovation is legit. take care friend, because depression fucking lies. I see depression lying to the people I love around me and though it is a challenge sometimes to relate, I just want to be able to express to them and you what an awesome and giving person you/they are.
Depression is an evil bitch. Thank you for keeping up the fight.
Wil, I have been going through the same darn thing, lately. Knowing I love to write, can write, but suddenly feeling so– depressed. I don’t know if misery loves company, but I have to tell you, it cheered me up to watch the Next Gen with my boys last night. I also want to thank you for being so honest. You really are one of the coolest celebreties out there. I was just about to write, got on the internet, and then saw your post. Well, I’m picking myself back up, going to write a weird western or some demented alien fungus story, and it might be awful, but, heck, you’ve inspired me. Thanks.
Good luck creating, Wil, and thanks for the things you do.
An author I hold dear in my heart once said, “The best way to get out of your head is to get in someone else’s.” Regarding exercise, a fitness guru said, “It’s not always fun, but it always counts.” Depression, like the seas, comes (and goes away) in waves. Push through, our friend. You may feel like shit, but what you “do,” counts. Once those waves of blue recede, it will still have counted. It will have value, for you, and for those you did it for. We love you, we believe in you, and we count on you. So dust off your knees, smile, and get to work. We’ll be here when you’re done. =0)
It may be a number of years since I last knew depression, but this still touched me very closely. Your depression may have made you think this came across quite badly, but it most certainly lied. This was extremely well put, better than I think I ever could have accomplished. It may make you think it stifles your creativity, but it most certainly doesn’t.
Thank you. It is really fucking hard. But it means a lot that you have the guts to share it, and it helps sooo much to know I’m not alone. Hang in there, and I’ll try to do the same. Thank you, Wil.
Just keep trying to stand up. That’s all that really matters some times.
You are lovely and talented and your writing has entertained and lifted up thousands of us. You can’t get rid of depression. Sometimes it helps to embrace it. To acknowledge that this is what you’re feeling right now, but that it will go away. All feelings pass. Good feelings, bad feelings – they all pass. This will, too. Know that you are loved and appreciated.
Thanks, Will. I can so relate. Hope we all can pick ourselves up again.
This was really interesting to read. There are people in my life that deal with depression, and frankly I don’t really understand it. But reading things like this gives me a feeling of a peek. I’m going to go hug somebody.
I told myself this morning, “just because yesterday was a bad day and the day before was a bad day and the day before was a bad day (ad infinitum), doesn’t mean that today has to be be a bad day. Today gets to be its own day.” It actually helped. I hope the reminder helps you as much as your post helps me. Thank you so much for being so honest about your struggles. It really does matter.
When you can’t run, you walk. When you can’t walk, you crawl. When you can’t crawl, find someone to carry you.
You don’t crawl alone.
Been going through the same thing lately. Trying to find a way out of not wanting to write or create anything has caused me a lot of problems lately. Thanks for this Wil!
RE: Edie 14 JANUARY, 2014 AT 7:56 PM
When you can’t run, you walk. When you can’t walk, you crawl. When you can’t crawl, find someone to carry you.
You don’t crawl alone.
That is deep, well said, and true. Thank you!
Sorry, reply would not work.
One of the many nuggets I love from Firefly 🙂 can’t claim authorship, and I should have given attribution, but I was i the feels. it is a sentiment I live by. Most days are crawlin days for me, but some days i walk, and some days i help carry. Wil has helped me crawl today, and tomorrow… We’ll see.