I went to my doctor yesterday, and told him how crummy I’ve been feeling. We talked about a lot of different things, and ultimately decided that it was probably a good idea to change up my brain pills. This morning, I started something new, and I really feel a lot better. I honestly don’t care if it’s a placebo effect at this point, but the end result is the same: I don’t feel despondent, depressed, and shitty about myself.
“You are very hard on yourself,” he told me yesterday.
“I know,” I said, “I just have really high expectations that I want to meet, and with all these incredibly successful friends …” I trailed off because I felt like I was starting to feel sorry for myself.
“Being judgmental about what you make or don’t make doesn’t help you at all,” he said, “you have to do your best every day, even if your best isn’t what you want it to be.”
I knew he was right, and I knew that it was my depression getting in between me knowing that was right, and accepting that it was right. That’s one of the incredibly frustrating things about depression: I can know that the way I feel is just my brain chemicals being messed up, but whether I accept it or not, the end result is the same: I feel awful. It’s a little unfair that it doesn’t work in both directions, but after living with it for my whole life, I can tell you that depression doesn’t care about being fair; it’s really a dick that way.
My doctor said that I was very clear-eyed about my mental illness (psychologists call people like me “the identified patient”), and because I could be rational even when I was feeling irrational, he wanted me to try some cognitive therapy. “When you feel bad, when you are thinking and feeling that you’re worthless or anything like that, I want you to recognize it, and then make an effort to replace those bad feelings with good ones.
“When you are feeling bad about a job you didn’t get, think about a job that you did get, that you feel good about. When you feel bad about not finishing a story, recognize that feeling, and remember how you felt when you published something you’re proud of.”
“That sounds like something I can do,” I said, “and it sounds like it may help me break out of the cycle of depression telling me a suck, then making me feel terrible because I believe that I suck, which makes me depressed, which lets depression tell me that I suck.” I imagined a particularly ugly ouroboros wrapping itself around me.
I don’t think this means that I don’t allow myself to feel disappointment, or frustration, or any of the other emotions that I think we all need to feel to be a fully-functional human. I think this means that I don’t let my mental illness take something like feeling unsure about where a story goes next and turning it into the Very Certain And Unshakable Belief That I Am A Worthless And Stupid And Idiotic Loser Who Everyone Knows Really Sucks. Not, um, that I’ve felt like that a whole lot lately, or anything like that. Um. Right.
So.
Let’s get started, shall we? This weekend, Anne and I went to the mall to pick up some fancy pants I had tailored. While we were there, we noticed that the big old men’s clothing sale was happening, yadda yadda yadda I got three awesome suits for less than the cost of one, if they weren’t on sale.
Guys: it turns out that your beautiful wife telling you, “WOW, you look great in that suit,” is a powerful motivator for buying that suit. And two others. Because reasons.
After we were finished getting them tailored, Anne had to get on the phone to handle a bunch of #VandalEyes business, so I went into the bookstore until she was done. On my way to the Science Fiction section, I stopped to take this picture of their Tabletop game section:
While I was taking this picture, a young man cautiously approached me. “Mister … Mister Wheaton?” He said.
“That’s me!” I said.
“I love your show Tabletop! You are the reason my friends and I play games, and I’m actually here today to find something for one of them.”
I put my phone into my pocket. “That is really awesome,” I said. “The main reason I make Tabletop is to inspire other people to play games.”
He swallowed, nodded, and said, “um, would you, uh … would you help me pick out a game for my friend?”
My heart grew three sizes. “I would love to do that!”
I asked him a bunch of questions about the games they like to play together, his friend’s level of experience, and how much he wanted to spend. Ultimately, he settled on Ticket To Ride. He shook my hand, thanked me several times, and walked away, happily.
“I’m so sorry to bother you,” a voice said behind me. I turned and saw a young woman with a nametag that indicated she worked in the store.
“Yes?” I said.
“This is my section,” she said, pointing to the games, “and it’s here because of your show, Tabletop.”
My heart grew another three sizes.
“We order all the games you play on your show, and we usually sell out of whatever you’ve just played right away.”
“That’s really cool!” I said.
We talked about the games that she had in the section, and I recommended a few new ones for her, including Hive, Love Letter, and Coup.
“I’ll see if I can convince my manager to let me order those,” she said. “Anyway, I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I just wanted to thank you for your show, and for everything you do.”
“It’s my pleasure,” I said, “and it really means a lot to me that you took the time to tell me that.” I started to walk back to the Sci-Fi Books, and stopped. I turned back. “If your distributor doesn’t know what’s coming up on Tabletop — and they should, but if they don’t — please e-mail me and I’ll give you the release schedule, so you can know what to order.”
“That would be great,” she said.
“Awesome.” We shook hands, and I walked back to the Sci-Fi books. Before I could really figure out if I was going to get anything, my phone chirped in my pocket. It was Anne. She was off the phone, and didn’t want to go on a quest to find me in the store. “I’ll be right out,” I replied.
I walked past that Tabletop game section, which was absolutely huge — even bigger than the entire Sci-Fi and Fantasy book section, combined, and a little voice in my head said, “it’s okay to feel a little proud about this.” I listened to it.
…
I’m still frustrated and disappointed when I see a character on a TV show or in a film that I clearly could have played, but didn’t even get to audition for (a casting director recently told my agent that they would not even see me for a role, because “Wil Wheaton can’t play someone in his late 30s,” even though I’m 41, with two children in their 20s, and just letting me spend thirty fucking seconds in their goddamn office to see how I look now and how I interpret the role may change their mind). I’m still frustrated and disappointed that I haven’t produced any original work of fiction of any consequence in a year, and that I haven’t finished Memories of the Future Volume 2.
BUT — and it’s a big but* — instead of focusing on those things, and feeling like I’m being crushed into a singularity by a black hole of depression, I can look at the show I created and brought to life with some very talented people, that is having a very real and lasting impact on a lot of people, in a very positive way.
When I look at the writing I haven’t finished, I can look at the calendar and see all the times I was working on a video game or an audiobook or an animated show, and was on the road to promote Tabletop, and honestly accept that there just wasn’t that much time to write the things I wanted to write, because I was busy working on other things.
I can stop being so hard on myself, and I can stop judging myself, and I can stop holding myself up to standards that are so high, even the people I’m comparing myself to every day would have a hard time reaching them.
Or, at least, I can try, and I can do my best, because that’s all I can do.
*hurr hurr hurr
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This is such good advice for a lot of people (me included) and you made a friend of mine’s day at a time when he really needed it. Thank you.
Re-read your post when you need to remind yourself about how your success feels.
Let your path be guided by what you are doing well, that you enjoy, and supports you in your ventures. Where you end up may not be where you thought you wanted to be, but is actually a better place!
There are quite a few of us walking this road 🙂
Will,
I have been in a similar mode and mental being my entire life as well. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar, anxiety, and depression. In my younger years I was untreated and fought back by constantly needing feedback and activities… I was a radio DJ, did stand up comedy, and constantly wrote comedy. If I did not find success in any one of these arenas I would consider myself a failure in them all. The depression would spiral and build for weeks of self loathing. It would pass and the spark of creativity would take hold again until the pattern would start all over again. I realize now it was more chemistry in my brain than success and failure due to not being diagnosed.
Today I am medicated and take things at a much slower focused pace… It helps me to produce a better product and feel better about my accomplishments… My project which I work on with a close friend is Ladies Of Steampunk Magazine… It is a fun and entertaining product and when people come to us at cons and events and tell us how much they love our work it fills me with pride and feelings of success…
Cheers brother…
I didn’t know you were only 1 year younger than I am… brat!
Sean Makiney
Mr. Wheaton: design a board game. Surely you’ve got enough knowledge to design a game about trying (succeeding and failing) to make it in the acting business?
Who better than someone who’s lived the life AND has an avid interest in the medium?
Thank you for all of us who have teh brainz issues.
Thank you so much for the perspective, especially for those of us who struggle with depression.
I think there are times everyone feels they have achieved less than they were capable of achieving. No matter who you are or what your lifestyle, life can be a bitch. What I always try to remember is have I been a good friend, a good person and have I lived as good a life as I can. If I can say yes to those those things then I have been successful.
Good job, Mr. W. I understand some of what you’re going through and have had feelings like that a lot. Giving yourself permission to feel good about things you do is the key.
…and that lil’ pep-talk of yours I just read gave me the boost to go do another ep of my OSR podcast. Double thanks.
-Glen Hallstrom
Those were great, well put thoughts. Thank you. It seems like you feel the best when you’re helping others. Just as a funny side thing, you my wife’s childhood crush 😉
Man, that helped. Thank you.
Thank you. You are a gift.
Wil, THANK YOU for being honest, real, and just one of us. I am a bipolar survivor, and my most honest struggle is being seen as just a regular person, because I AM. Thank you for making that loud and clear.
Thanks for sharing. I really needed to hear that right now. I’m in the midst of beating myself up for not meeting my high standards and not finishing the kid’s TV show I’ve been writing for the last 5 years and just feeling like a general failure at life even though I /know/ that I shouldn’t. I really like your perspective in choosing to recognize all that you have been accomplishing, and that maybe you just didn’t have time to finish your writing. Thinking that way I realize that I’ve really accomplished a lot to be proud of in the last 5 years. I got married, bought house, got a dog to go with the cat, and have built a successful career where I have been publishing a lot of writing for my company. I should feel good about these things instead of feeling bad about the things I just haven’t had time for. Thank you for giving me perspective. Keep up the good fight; I know how hard it is, and your inspiring words have made it just a little bit easier. As I’m sure you know, a little bit easier means a lot!
keep up the great work sweetie. and because i did not previously know you had a show about tabletop games, i will now set my dvr! 🙂 and again keep up the freat work.
Wil,
Have a look at the link below, its an interesting read. It explains that for most people most of their friends are more successful than they are! …
http://www.slate.com/blogs/business_insider/2014/01/16/friendship_paradox_why_are_my_friends_better_off_than_me.html
Rob.
Having had a multi-decade battle with depression, I appreciate your courage to talk about your experience with it here.
But what I really want to talk about is T A B L E T O P !! I love this show so much and I want you to know that. My partner and I only discovered it several weeks ago, and we watch a few episodes many nights of the week. We joke that when we watch, we feel like we’re just hanging out with you guys, but not in a creepy way, and it’s a lot of fun! And just last night I was joking that, hopefully, in the near future, we’ll look back on the present seeing we were some of the earliest fans of the soon-to-be world renowned Phenom™ that is Tabletop!
I fear we’ll soon run out of our backlog of Tabletop episodes and have to wait for you to make new ones. Please make lots more! And get Jim Parsons at that table.
Tabletop is amazing! Thanks to it I’ve battled a bit of insomnia (it helps to have noise in the background that is warm and emulates happy socializing) and also chose to purchase the X-Wing miniatures game. My brother and I now play it once a month together as a scheduled brother time. We wouldn’t have that without you Wil!
Two things. First, thank you so much for writing openly about your depression. It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one.
Second, the only reason I was able to get my coworkers together for a regular gaming night is that they’d seen you on Tabletop. So again, thank you for what you’re doing. It’s making a difference.
Thanks for being you.
I have at least a couple of friends who could benefit from knowing of your history and your love of games (I’m a newbie gamer, really, but these guys are hard core). Sadly, they are also hard core afflicted with (not yet “living with”–if you get what I mean) depression.
I never knew you were a gamer. I’ll have to look up your show.
Keep at it, and always remember that when you think you have no or very few sucky options, you are depressed. When you can see more options and are OPEN to even more, you are getting better. That’s my cheater’s guide to cognitive therapy. Just working on finding all the options, whether they are good, bad, neutral, or unknown, and also being OPEN to them.
Hang in there, Wil. It is already better, open yourself to what you haven’t allowed yourself to see.
I don’t think you will ever understand how many people you have affected or how much you have affected them, but you have. My husband and I await each new Tabletop with the same excitement as the next episode of Doctor Who (which is to say obsessively). You are a bright spot in my life that, at times, looks very dark. DFTBA sir. It’s the only way to live. 🙂
It’s nice to know that things don’t really change. I don’t have depression but everything you just said I understand because I’m an actor. It’s really hard to stay positive when you can’t even get in to see an agent and your friends are booking all sorts of things. Chin up and I’ll try and do the same. On with my book.
Thank you. I’ve always admired your work and now I admire you as an individual.
You have so much insight and wisdom to share, I’m so glad I just happened to click on the link when I saw your name.
I have been struggling a lot in my life lately, and your post has made me remember my blessings- so much more than those empty words from people who really don’t understand.
Blessings to you!
I have felt the way you described so often! I surround myself with wonderfully talented people because they’re awesome. I wonder all the time why they bother with Idiot Loser Frizz-head me.
I see Trajan – done and done! I know it’s not quite the Tabletop style, but would it kill you to toss a Feld up there once in a while?
Also, I’m glad you’re feeling good – the creation of a powerful symbol (er, that would be you) can be as clever and difficult as a work of art. It should be as rewarding.
Hey, thanks for this. Tonight has been a really rough night. I’m on meds as well. And tonight, I felt really loserly. To be honest, I still sorta do. But your post did make me feel better. Thanks for your honestly.
I read this and right away wanted to tell you about a game a friend and I started to play in high school. It began as a cynical ploy to prove how miserable our lives really were, which nobody but us believed.
Each evening we would take a handful of marbles and two bowls. One bowl would be filled with the marbles representing the good things that had happened that day, the other all the bad things.
Consistently, to my annoyance, the bowl of good things was always more full than the bowl of bad. Day after day.
Very quickly I could not deny that no matter how crappy life felt, good things happened. Every single day. Whether I wanted to wallow in my misery or not, the reality was the good outweighed the bad every time i sat down to count it out. It was really illuminating.
I’m also a person who struggles with depression so this isn’t just a Pollyanna story about how life is rosy so you should automatically feel happy. That is bull. I just wanted to say that I found a way to hold back the dark on the days that it threatens to eat me up, by giving my rational mind evidence that life was not as bleak as I was seeing it.
It’s a game and it is deceptively simple but it brought me some clarity which is hard to find at those times when your thoughts are against you.
Maybe the idea will help somebody reading this, as your post has been helpful to those who need to hear it.
Thanks.
That circle of self-doubt is rough but not inescapable. And you may never finish some projects, but you should never be ashamed of following your passions, even if it’s into a dead end. Speaking from the same brain, I hope your new meds help you find what you’re looking for. My dosage was just raised and it’s working out well.
Talking about your depression may not ever be easy, but it helps. And if you need something to look back on to pick yourself up out of it, you can always come back to this. You’re doing a good thing by talking about it, Will. These kinds of posts help people get out of bed or leave the house some days.
God! I absolutely detest that “You Are Worthless, Fat, Ugly and Are Just Taking Up Valuable Oxygen” feeling. I, too, recognize the voice for what it is and struggle to replace it. What I love is that you have always (ALWAYS) been the guy I think of. In fact, in our house, we quote you constantly. When one of us is being unpleasant, we say “Will Wheaton!” which is another way of saying “Don’t be a dick!” You set the standard for a great guy.
I found this post because a friend shared the link on Facebook. Mr. Wheaton, all I can say is thank you. Everything you’ve shared here, from the “I suck” thoughts to the awareness that those thoughts are wrong but struggling to change them… this is my life. And I can’t tell you how much it means to see someone–to see, as my friend put it, “fricking Wil Wheaton!”–sharing this and living with it. Those of us who constantly hear “But you have so many good things, why can’t you just be happy, why are you always so negative” now know we aren’t alone.
Right on, Wil! You know, you are a hero for a lot of us gamers, even if we are roleplayers (mostly) instead of board game geeks. And you know we also loved it when you had a regular role on Eureka and a guest appearance on Big Bang Theory. You have an awesome entry on wikiepedia (so much better than mine–grumble, envy, snarl. You got nothing but a some lousy brain chemicals to really complain about. Never give up, and never give in. That’s my motto, and sometimes I win. 🙂
Wil, your entire body of work has affected a lot of people, deeply, me included. What you do with your life now does not require a spotlight. You are where you need to be, and that seems like a pretty sweet place to me. Stay true to your heart. I wish you peace, brother.
Just so you know, my 11 yr old daughter is a big fan of yours. Seeing you gives her faith in herself and pride in her self-label of geek. You are making a difference.
I’m a big fan and I really enjoyed reading this post. I think I can apply it to myself or at least I am definitely going to try. Thanks, as always, for sharing. Old School Tim
http://OldSchool.tblog.com/
Wil, record a short *about casting directors* a la “Things Casting Directors Say.” Get your famous buds to be in it with you. You get all the lines about how you can’t play someone in his 30s or whatever. If it goes viral then I’m sure the CSAs will see it. (That’s what they’re called, right? CSAs?)
Anyway, sounds like a great trip to the mall and you can so DO this, sir.
Typecasting sucks, but if casting agents haven’t seen you on Big Bang Theory (I loved the early episodes when you and Sheldon were enemies BTW), then it’s their loss, not yours.
Changing up the tape in your head is important. When the BF says something negative about himself, or one of my friends says something negative about herself, I turn to them and say, “Hey! You don’t get to talk bad about someone I love!” It’s important to be honest about your failings. But it’s another thing to take a sack of oranges to your failings on a regular basis simply for having the audacity to exist.
All those people who look like they have their shit together? They don’t. They’re just real good at hiding it. Each of us is a wadded up mess of good traits and bad traits, lucky breaks and poor decisions, good intentions and uncontrolled ire and we all bumble around this life trying to do the best we can with what we got.
My 7th grade English teacher said it best — the difference between a good writer and a mediocre writer is that the good writer KEEPS WRITING. They make mistakes. They use erasers. They push through the blocks and edit the hell out of the crap that just belched forth from their keyboard. And they believe. Sometimes because they really do, and sometimes because they’re faking it in the hope that one day, they’ll make it.
And you, Mr. Wheaton, are a good writer. I believe it. Whether you do or not.
Whil… just stumbled on your blog— sometimes we have to realize we’re starting from scratch and maybe in your case at minus 0. Levelset where you are and what you really want to accomplish now. I think you’re accomplishing so much more than you are allowing yourself to see.
Always wishing you the best and knowing you can create a whole new reality. Why wait for someone else to notice you…. maybe you should produce your own show with you as a lead…. or maybe you’re destined for something you’ll like even more!
I LURVE that you posted a picture of the game section at Barnes & Noble. As a manager of the store in Evanston, IL, AND an avid fan of Table Top and board games in general, it is always nice to see someone who comes into the store and appreciates how hard we are working to make the section awesome and keep up on things. Can’t wait for the next episodes of Table Top!
You could add a feature to your show, that would ultimately be an audition reel: you ‘portraying’ characters from the games or acting scenarios from the game play … ‘s your show, you can if you want to. Then maybe instead of being frustrated that you’re not ‘being seen’ that way, you can, you know, be seen that way.
😀
Will, very brave blog. I have an actor friend who does private coaching and teaches a class on the audition process. I’m not in the entertainment business, but I’m a Trekkie and through my friend I realize this business is very difficult on the soul. My occupation is Nurse, and if I had to give any advice, I’d say, “Please don’t be offended, and check out this website”: theauditonisthejob.com Danny offers coaching as well. His current class is in Tampa, FL, this weekend, but he does classes in Burbank, CA as well. Good Luck, and check out Danny. He’s always working and I’ve viewed some video of the class, and if I were a struggling actor or not, I’d take the class, if only for the motivational talk. He is an upbeat and very happy guy, and understands the ups and downs of the process.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope you’re heartened just by how much your openness inspires others. Anxiety struggles make my missing high standards set, and comparing myself to others 100x worse. Thanks for the reminder to focus on things I’ve done that I am proud of, pointing to the fact it can be done and will be done again. Good luck in your application of this 🙂
I appreciate this post very much… my brain thanks you.
Also – Tabletop has introduced me to so many games! My mom has always loved games and is always on the look out for new interesting games (she has an entire game closet). I told her about Tabletop and she loves watching.. We have totally bonded over it. 🙂
Wil, as someone the same age as you who suffers with depression, your writing on the topic is a genuine inspiration. Thank you.
(We also have a fine pile of Tabletop-featured games at home thanks to you, but that’s for another post).
Wil,
My wife forwarded me your latest blog to read about depression mainly as I have dealt with it most of my life and have beenreally struggled with it as of late. I guess its her way of showing me she cares and to show me that even people with fame and similar tastes suffer with it as well. It really helped me to rethink my life and to focus on the good things and not beat myself over the little things. Even though we haven’t officially met it has been my pleasure photographing you over the years since TNG at various functions.
All the best
Al
Wow. This is a really familiar, helpful, and insightful post for us Depressed. Regardless, I just wanted to say that, like many many others, you’ve inspired me and all of my friends to play games again. It’s been SO great and even helped cement our friendships.
I know you’re a great actor and can do great things and I’m most certainly not knocking the career, but yeah, you should be proud of Tabletop. Because that little project and your personal passion/care for it has made a HUGE positive influence in so many people’s lives… It’s really touched a lot of people on a deep personal level and should feel really rewarding. I think you’ve impacted peoples lives more than you realize and done more than you give yourself credit for.
Keep on keepin’ on! 😀 <3
Dear Wil,
Thank you for this blog post. I have been fighting that same ” particularly ugly ouroboros wrapping itself around me” since I was around age 8…it wasn’t recognized and diagnosed until I was 31! I am now 54. I love that turn of phrase- I am a costumer, and the International Costumers convention is coming up in April- if I can, I think I will try to create a costume about fighting depression based on that idea. I hope you won’t mind my sending you a link to the video if I do so. 🙂 I have written a song about being depressed and feeling alone called “Fair Weather”, and another about trying not to miss the rainbow because you’re too busy hiding from the rain. Why is it so many creative people are depressed? 4 year degree in psychology and they never really answered that one.
Keep up the good fight. 🙂 ((hugs))
JoAnn Abbott
PS, I will never again be able to see my cayenne pepper in my spice rack without thinking of you and a glass of milk *wide evil grin* I saw you at a Paul and Storm show at the Birchmere this year.
Wil,
Please know that no matter what your depression tries to tell you, no matter what requests other people continue to make of you, there is absolutely nothing you have to do to prove your worth as a human being. You have touched countless hearts and lives with your career, and put ludicrous amounts of good and joy and self-respect and enthusiasm and curiosity and humor and inspiration and sheer awesomeness into the world. You are a role model not just for fandom, or geekdom, or gamers, but for humans. The fact that you feel there is more to be done is a testament to your humanity, not a shortcoming. Thank you, and please, do what *you* want to do. You’ve earned it.
Excellent! We don’t always get it right. But when we do!
That was a great story…you are also a really great writer! That is also a Gift, so you have more than 1 gift! You have three! Acting, writing, and the ability to make others happy:)
Hello Wil.
Reading your blogs and also your books have been enlighting. I myself at times look at my friends and look how great their lives are compared to mine. It’s a bad habit of mine since I have always felt that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. At times things do not work out as they should. However I try and keep a positive attitude and hold my head up. That’s all I can do. Recently I started studying to get certified as a Cisco Engineer. My friends – one of them currently is on a development team writing gaming content for FASA, Inc. – have a lot going for them and it does make me feel a little like and anchor. However I am currently making plans to get certified as a network engineer and also as a Linux system administrator. Those things make me feel good as at times my friends come to me for advice on computer problems. My plan for getting over my depression is to focus on those things that I am good at. Computers, Cisco, Windows Server and Windows development..those things are what drive me to feel better about myself. I’m a geek and it feels pretty damn good. Thanks for being Wil Wheaton. Thanks for being awsome and inspiring those to do great things.