Everyone who has Depression experiences it in a different way, but I think it’s safe to say that all of us have days when it sits more heavily on us than others. I realized yesterday morning that I’ve been struggling under more depression and anxiety than usual for the last week or so without even being aware of it. Without realizing it, I’d gotten withdrawn and anxious, and because I didn’t really feel irritable, I wasn’t aware of how irritable I was.
I’ve described the metaphysical weight of depression as being similar to that lead apron the dentist puts on you when you get x-rays of your teeth, only it’s draped over your head and shoulders, and sometimes it even covers your face so you can’t see clearly. Without even knowing it’s happening, all you can see is whatever the depression wants to show you, and depression is a lying jerk.
So yesterday, with the kind and loving help of my wife, I realized how heavy my depression has been weighing on me lately. I don’t know exactly how or why it works, but yesterday, like all the other times I’ve realized that depression was doing its best to smother me, becoming aware of it made the weight of it just a little bit better. I still had a pretty rough day, but I also knew that I’d get better. It was like remembering where the light switch was, so I could turn a light on in a dark room, and see the way out of it.
A big part of realizing that I felt so much anxiety and its accompanying depression was figuring out why I felt that way, and I don’t think I could have done it without Anne’s support and patience.
We were sitting on the couch in the living room. The back doors were open, and birds chirped and sang in the back yard. I told her basically what I wrote above, and she said, “You were really angry about the paparazzi when you were in New York, and if your show is successful, that’s probably going to happen again and again.”
“That sounds awful,” I said.
“Yeah, but you can deal with it in a more constructive way that doesn’t make you so angry,” she said.
“I just hate that feeling of being trapped in a hotel, or not in control of my own …” I trailed off, because I had realized exactly why I got so angry, and why I’d been feeling so anxious and depressed for the last few weeks.
“I just realized that the feeling of being trapped, of not being in control of my own life, of feeling like I can’t just do my own thing is a massive emotional trigger for me, because it reminds me of how I felt so often when I was a kid.
“I hated all the press and attention and demands to be some kind of teen superstar, when all I wanted to do was be an actor.”
I described this picture to her, which I think was taken when I was 15. “I look at that, and I feel so sad for that kid. He’s scared, he’s uncomfortable, and he’s doing his best to just get through that moment so he can go back to whatever he was trying to do before a photographer shoved a camera in his face.
“I think I get so angry now because I’m not just upset that my current life was disrupted by these shitbags, but I’m also retroactively angry at how much they disrupted my life when I was a kid.” I looked at the floor for a long time. Our dog, Riley, walked over to me and shoved her face into my hands. I pet her and continued. “And then I get angry at the people who should have been looking out for me, who should have cared about how I was feeling and protected me, but who just told me to suck it up and deal with it because I had to.”
“That makes sense,” she said. “You’ve talked a lot about how you always felt like nobody listened to you when you were a kid, and how you felt like your feelings weren’t as important to the people around you as what they could get out of you.”
“Exactly. I’ve been working basically for myself for the last ten years, with occasional breaks to go work on shows where I feel like I’m working with people, and for the last month or so, I’ve felt like I’m working for people.”
I stopped scratching Riley’s chin, and she put her paw in my lap.
“Well … you kind of are.”
I looked at her.
“…and that’s okay,” she said. “I know you’re feeling overwhelmed, but this is a good thing, isn’t it?”
I lifted Riley’s paw off of me, and pointed to the floor. She lay down at my feet and sighed.
“…it is. I love the people I work with, and the network goons have all been really supportive and awesome. I guess I just … I don’t know how to feel. It’s really great, and it’s really scary, and there’s a lot at stake, and it’s fun, and I’m …”
I took a deep breath and frowned. “I’m afraid to enjoy it, because it probably won’t last.”
It felt good to say it out loud. It felt freeing. I’m supposed to pretend that we’re going to be some kind of massive success and we’re all gonna get laid, but I have done this long enough to know that nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed, and Firefly was canceled because the network was stupid.
“And on the one hand, if it doesn’t last, all this press and attention that I don’t like goes away. But if it does last–”
“If it does last, you can let the work speak for itself like you want to, and you don’t have to do press, or go places you don’t want to go. But promoting it now is super important because you have to let people know your show exists so they can watch it.”
Riley rolled over on her back. Marlowe walked into the room and stretched out on the floor next to her.
“I know, and I feel like a jerk for having conflicting feelings about it. I guess I haven’t completely dealt with some unresolved childhood issues, and they’re getting stirred up in my stupid brain.”
My cat, Watson, jumped up into my lap and began to purr. He rubbed his face against my hand, then against my chin, and then began to groom my beard.
“I’m really grateful for everything we have, and I don’t mean to imply otherwise,” I said, around Watson’s catfood breath. “I just remember how I felt so unhappy so often when I was a kid, and I don’t want to feel that way again.”
“I know.”
I lifted Watson off of my chest and put him on the couch next to me. He rolled on his back and pushed his head into my thigh. I scratched his chin and his belly.
“I also know that I’ve been letting Depression make me feel like shit for the last month or so, and I know that Depression lies, so I’m probably just fixated on all the worst case stuff, and not paying enough attention to the awesome stuff.”
And the second those words came out of my mouth, it was like someone cast Dispel Depression. I felt the weight of it lift off of me. I saw the light switch in the room, and though I knew it would take a little bit of time before I could walk out, I at least saw the doorway.
I’m going to talk with a therapist about the unresolved emotional issues from when I was a kid, and I’m going to work even harder so that Depression can’t trick me into thinking all this incredibly awesome stuff that I get to do is something I can’t enjoy. It’s going to be a challenge — it always is — but I can do it, because I’ve done it before.
And you know what? It is going to be fun to make The Wil Wheaton Project. I know it will be fun, because it has already been fun, and I think I need to consider the two likely scenarios: if we only do 12, I get to go back to my normal life at the end of the summer after working with some really great people and doing something we’re proud of. If we end up doing more than that, I can let the work speak for itself, and I’ll learn to adjust to a new normal in my life, because the really valuable and important bits of my life — my wife, my kids, our home, burritos and beer — are going to be here no matter what I do for my job, and nobody can take them away from me, not even Depression.
“I feel a lot better,” I said. “Thanks for listening to me.”
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you too.”
And either way, you’ll probably get laid.
Hugs to you (from Mill Bay, BC, hopefully far enough away that I don’t make you feel closed in or uncomfortable)…
Thank you, Wil. So many people try to shove Depression under the rug when the light of reality is often the best medicine to ‘Dispel Depression’. I’ve struggled so long with my own Depression it is always a lifesaver to have the truth that ‘Depression Lies’ repeated.
I’ve always felt that the best thing about being a celebrity must be the ability to encourage and inspire people on a grand scale. Over time, many people give up on their aspirations due to depression, anxiety, or other life crap. It’s truly appreciated that you are willing to share your struggles online. Sometimes the internet is our only support group. Where I live, there’s the ‘get-over-it-and-work-at-the-factory’ vibe.
There have been changes in my mood for weeks now, but I only caught on to it a few days ago. Anyways, after reading some of your articles on the subject, I’ve decided to make an appointment with my doctor. I might not have done so, otherwise. So, thanks for that.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been very depressed today and still can’t figure out why, Depression is a lying bastard and has been lying all day long in a big bad and terrible way.
I know it was partially my fault due to forgetting to take my meds until lunch time.
Your fight helps me with mine. Since I have no one to talk to about it, I feel better when listening to you.
Thank you Wil.
Very fair and straightforward post. Depression is not something to deal with lightly and hard to describe to others. May you inspire others, who deal with several issues or depression, to fight it :-)!
Good Blog Wil, some days are harder than others, i had one brush with press over 25 years ago (nothing as bad as you) and they are scum, but I look back and think those poor suckers are doing a job to keep there better halves and kids in food, but they could be nicer about it. I look forward to hopefully catching your new show as I will in the USA this week on holiday, so the hotel better have syfy or I will be a naughty boy downloading it to show to people back in the UK next week 🙂
Keep fighting the good fight, Wil! Your posts help me get through the day more often than you can imagine.
Love and healing to you, Wil. This is a very similar conversation to the one I had with my love in the recent month. Depression sucks the life out of you. Knowing your triggers is only part of the battle.
Dear Wil, I know how depression lies to you. On the other hand, fun things DO end without good reasons. I have taught myself that the NOW is most important and that I can’t stop feeling good NOW because of something (maybe) happening in the future. Maybe this can be of some use to you too 🙂
I love the way you write, very thoughtful, caring and gentle. Good luck but even more incredible lots of fun next week with your show!!
With your attitude and awareness how can you do anything else but succeed!
Dude…
Man just acknowledging and recognising the traits of being depressed is enough to ease me out of its depths. I spent 18 or so months in a dark horrible anxious place, which literally warped my sense of reality.
Luckily I have a compassionated doctor, a great family, and a good friend who took me out of the country for a few weeks as a distraction at the end of my “spell” when I decided I would stop taking my medication and fight it on my own.
I’m not cured, I still feel its tentacles every day, but I’m better equipped to deal with it, I’ve a better understanding of the signs and symptoms that can be addressed way before it makes too much impact on me. To be honest sometimes I wake up afraid that I’ll fall back into that dark place again.
Keeping busy is important, as a currently unemployed bioscientist I sometimes feel like I’m wasting away my youth by sitting at home, that I don’t have the potential or the intelligence to make the impact that I used to strive for. I have an interview for a Laboratory on Tuesday; and I feel like such a fraud, that they’ll be able to see right through me and reject me and this will keep happening over and over again, that I’ll be an unemployable scientist for the rest of my life.
And that is proof (to me at least) of the biggest stride I’ve made, like you I can now start to realise and understand my thought processes, problems that are lingering on my mind; I can air them out and look at them one by one. Where as before I would just bottle everything up for as long as I can and one day 2 years ago I broke and it all came spewing out.
I know what my worries are now, and I try stay up beat about them and I hope you can too.
Good luck Wil!
Thank you for your honesty Wil. Your description of the weight of depression is so accurate and so easy for people who haven’t felt it to understand. Excited to watch the show – love your promos!
Thank you for talking about these things. As someone who is dealing (not super well) with both anxiety and depression, it often feels like most people avoid talking about them as much as possible. They are real issues, and it’s encouraging just to hear other people talk about their problems. It helps me realize I’m not the only one, even though I do know that I’m not, it’s easy to internalize too much and forget that. Thank you.
I’ve actually been feeling really depressed and alone lately, rejected and kinda lost. I’m glad I came accross this cause I was feeling alot of the same things. Just unsure of where I was and what to do now. It’s great that you had Anne to open up to, it’s really tough to do it alone. It’s conforting to know anyway that others sometimes hit that wall too even when Firefly gets cancelled.
You are always inspiring! One thing to maybe research and try is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It is an energy-based technique some psychologists use. It may or may not actually work, but I know it has helped me let go of anger and anxiety over past situations. And it’s harmless if it doesn’t help 🙂
As always, thank you. Your insights and writing never fail to inspire me.
Thank you Wil, I’m so glad you’ve been able to put into words the way I feel at times! (Ok minus the fame and paparazzi type stuff) but that whole chaos and feeling like the world us out of your control and you hate it but you know you want it but at the same time you want to hide away and get stuck in books or games or Pinterest (ok that may just be me)
Depression sucks big time but having someone to talk to, to listen, to understand and be accepting whilst give you another view point is so incredibly helpful when that black dog becomes a weight on your back.
You are very blessed to have that (which is really cool and I’m not being patronising in any way) and I’m sorry that side of your life was crappy as a child 🙁
Thank you for sharing this feeling/time, so often those in the bright lights have this shine and aura of perfection which is such a false posative and people put them on pedestals as almost superhuman. You have just become more real to me I’m this then in all the years I had a crush on you growing up!
(I had posters!!!! Oh dear lol)
We probably won’t get to see your show here in the UK unless we have satalitte, which i don’t, so I’ll just wish you all the best with it!
Ps. It’s comicon wkend in London this bank holiday wkend! One day I’ll go 🙂
As someone who has suffered (and continues to suffer) in silence for about 20 years with depression, thank you to Wil and to everyone else strong enough to talk about it. The world seems a little less lonely. We are all on this planet together in this time and space for a reason. maybe this is the reason — to be here and connected with each other. Be well.
Depression does lie – don’t let it grind you down! I really appreciate how you share your insights and struggles with the general public as it serves as a reminder not to listen to the lies. Things that happen to us as kids can really weigh us down – good that you are going to talk to someone and good that you have the lovely Anne as well!
Thank you for still bringing attention to depression. The more it’s talked about, the more people will understand
Also, you already know this, but Anne sounds like one of the best people to have around.
Thanks Will. As someone who has never felt or had to deal with depression, this was a very enlightening post. I sincerely hope you get exactly the support you need, and that the show turns out better than your wildest dreams.
Thank you so much for posting this today. My own depression has been pressing really hard on me today, and I’ve been having a hard time trying to figure out what’s really the issue rather than just getting stressed out over little things.
Thank you for this. I deal with a lot of the same exact stuff, from being an artist who can doubt the worth of his work when Depression is speaking, right down to the lead weights. This is exactly what I needed to read today.
Sounds like he has a trained therapist for a wife! He is very lucky.
We very often end up as trained therapists. 🙂 It’s a post I will never resign from, ever. We see the huge worth of our ‘patient’, when they cannot see it for themselves.
Your wife is such a great therapist!! I’m sure you feel lucky and appreciative! It’s so great and refreshing to hear about “celebrity” (well, you are to me) relationships that work. Insecurity and creative talent so often go hand in hand, It’s kind of amazing how many people are able to get up and accomplish awesome, beautiful things! Keep working hard, I can’t wait to see the new show! Speaking of which, (I’m sure you’ve had this question more than enough) will it be on hulu??
Good for you, for acknowledging and identifying your issues AND for having a wonderful, understanding wife to talk things out with. Both of those can go a LONG way. Hang in there… Depression bites and many of us know it. Words like yours help more than just yourself, and we are grateful.
Wow, sorry you have felt so awful and your wife is amazing.
I appreciate hearing about your experiences with press as a child, because my almost-6-year-old son is set on an acting career and that’s the piece that concerns me. Then I feel bad for worrying because wouldn’t it be great if he was so successful…
Even though I suffer from depression my husband does too (misery loves company I guess). You know how difficult it is to fight through everyday but it is doubly hard to watch someone you love fight also. It is triply hard when you both need to fight your demons seperately as well as together. Wil and Anne, may you always find comfort and strength in each other together. Never ever lose that. That support makes all the difference. Prayers and love for you both.
This is so normal. I’m no celebrity and certainly didn’t have your childhood, but I feel the same anxiety, like a rope squeezing my chest, every time I face a New and Bigger Gig. The responsibility of being a lynchpin, the vulnerability of being the face of success or failure, and the inevitability of major change. That’s the big one. Choosing to leave one era of your life to enter another can feel like boarding a ship on your home planet, not knowing whether the destination will be better or worse than you hope – only that you can never return to this place in this time the way things are now. But that’s the depression filter; you’ll still be on Earth, you’ll still have an awesome family and rabid fans and every talent and strength and accomplishment you’ve built until now.
We’re all most fragile during growth spurts, but these are the times that make life mean something.
Thank you for being transparent. “I also know that I’ve been letting Depression make me feel like shit for the last month or so, and I know that Depression lies, so I’m probably just fixated on all the worst case stuff, and not paying enough attention to the awesome stuff.” ~ is quotable… such truth. Feelings… sometimes unreliable 🙁
Thank you for sharing this today, Wil.
Reading it this morning helped me to gather the courage to go see my doctor today. My depression has been telling me I don’t deserve help for a few weeks now, Thanks for the reminder that it lies.
How do you tell the difference between anxiety and depression. Because I used to be seriously depressed and suicidal. And I take antidepressants. For the past year or so I have been trying with the help of my psychiatrist to reduce the dose. But lately after a few bad weeks at work, I began to feel overwhelmed. The work situation crowded out all my thoughts, day and night. I thought it was just the anxiety. And then I realized how down on myself I was feeling. LIke I was doing a crap job at work. I was useless. And all these memories of past jobs that I got fired from came back. Bad relationships I’d had and bad things that happened to me at the hands of my father. Every bad memory or feeling came up. And I felt so lost, like I hadn’t done any recovery work or gotten better at all. It just overtook me. I haven’t been in therapy for awhile. And I’m on a low dose of medication. I do have a lot to be grateful for. But the feeling that I could get fired or it could all get taken away from me cast me down so fast that I didn’t even see it coming. I wish I had a partner like your Anne is too you. But my other major fear and curse is that I feel I will die alone and never have that.
As someone struggling with depression, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who sometimes doesn’t notice my depression flaring up until it’s gotten really bad, and that it can still be fought, even when it has the advantage of sneaking up on you. Thank you for your honesty, Wil, and I will definitely be watching your show when it premieres.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I’m in tears because I realize that I’ve been in the same place. I have stage IV cancer and I’m in remission but I have been unable to shake my depression and experience the joy of surviving. I think I need to make a call to a therapist. Thank you so much.
thanks for the reminder – I’ve been having similar issues of late and your post poked me in the brain to think about it from a different perspective.
God, it takes practice, doesn’t it? And you have to find and kill the old habits you might recognize – or not – behind the depression/anxiety that gets in your way, but man what a relief, right? In my experience, I’ve learned that depression signals something angry, something swept aside because that’s what someone else needed instead of what I didn’t catch (and defuse). The ability to work through this once is admirable, but being able to capture it and recreate it on paper is beyond useful. It’s familiar – I’m not the only one who does this. Hang in there, yellow legal pads are my ‘work it through’ method of choice (hey, you can burn them later) and thanks for sharing?
I love both of you guys. You get it. I wish you didn’t have to, but I’m glad you do.
Thank you sir. I am getting married in August. While we are both excited about our new life, and blending of families, we are also stressed. I know my fiance has depression (pretty sure I am not saying that right, or being proper about it..) I know she has been dealing with many things lately, and has shown signs of what you speak about. Reading this post has given me some great ideas of ways to talk with her, in between counseling sessions , and help her find that light switch!
I have followed this page for years. You do much good here.
I just wanted to say thanks.
(oh, and hi to bloggess… you rock too!)
Thank you for writing this. Depression is stalking me again, and it helps to hear how other people work through it.
You are a true gentleman.
I went to seek help about a year and a half ago, and you’re the reason why. The Bloggess explained depression in a way that finally forced me to admit that I had a problem, but I’d managed to talk myself out of going to seek help anyway because I have a great life and so I deserved to feel awful… or something… Depression “logic” at its finest. Anyway. Then I got thinking about it again, and I figured that if someone I admired so much (enough that I made you a little plastic Stanley Cup and brought it to you at PAX) could still be stuck dealing with depression, and have the courage to discuss it openly… then maybe I should follow that example and talk to someone about it. So I got up from my desk at work, and went out and sat in my car and called my doctor.
So… Thank you for sharing your struggles. I wish you didn’t have to have those struggles – I wish none of us did! – but in the meantime, I hope it at least helps a little to know that you’ve truly changed people’s lives. (And reading through the comments, I’m far from being the only one!)
I am a therapist who does trauma work (for small t and big T trauma). There are a number of therapies that can do targeted resolution of the issues that you and your wife helped highlight as still there. One of the ones I do is EMDR. The website, EMDRIA.org keeps a list of professionals sorted by location. Hope you find a good fit in therapist.
As I get older in life I’m 52 now. I had Depression most of my life especially after 13 years of age. I got help many many years ago. I have been taking care of myself for the last 19 years now.
I’m retired. Not Rich or Poor. I am Blessed with a Wonderful partner of 13 years this Sunday. I gained more Respect for you in the last few years. You are Real not some Hollywood Freakazoid and for you to put this out there.Helps Us all.
I have been all over the path in my life and in my career. Had some of the worst days and fears come to life. But I also have had some great things happen to. It’s called Life and Living! WiL Wheaton you are a Real person and that’s what i like about you. BTW. You have survived the worst of what Fame can bring. But I have admired your work over the years and the other things you have done as well. Newtek to be one of those.
Thank you for sharing things like this. Not only are you helping yourself but you are also talking about a subject that so often gets swept under the rug. Many people can relate to struggles such as depression and knowing that they aren’t alone can make a world of difference. I hope you can find a balance in your life and I truly wish you the best.
This. All of this. This is why we love you.
When somebody in the spotlight is unafraid to express their struggle, it is beyond awesome. The stigma that comes with depression needs more opposition like this.
Thanks for sharing these glimpses of how you and Anne work together to manage your depression. It’s really helpful to me to know that you don’t always recognize when Depression is sneaking in – I feel like a big dummy when I realize that it’s happened to me, so knowing that you (who is clearly not a big dummy) miss the early signs too sometimes makes me feel less incompetent. Good luck with all of it.
You have one up on the rest of us, you found her.
I am SO glad that you have Anne (and Anne has you!). And I’m sorry that you (and any/many of us, me included) have to deal (and sometimes avoid, knowingly or otherwise) with that lying bastard Depression. I admire that you have the strength to speak out about your experiences. It means a lot. I hope that you and your therapist can rid yourself of a few of those depressive ‘dust bunnies’ that are hiding in the recesses of your mind and wreaking havoc. Lotsa love & best wishes for better days!!