WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

Oh, hi, I’m still twelve years old.

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I’ve been organizing my game room, and finally addressing the hundreds of billions of Star Trek things I own, including lots of action figures.

I came across one of my Riker figures, and realized something…

They want you to use his poseable arms to hold his awesome phaser, like this:

Riker with his phaser

But this is how it always ended up on my bookshelves:

Riker with his little captain

Because if you’re going to make an action figure that can be posed in ways that make us go hurr hurr hurr, we’re going to do it.

Riker taking care of business

It’s important to be easily amused.

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24 June, 2014 Wil

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rhyme time → ← the highest of fives

47 thoughts on “Oh, hi, I’m still twelve years old.”

  1. starwarspezfreak says:
    24 June, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Nice. lol

  2. Stef says:
    24 June, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    I got yer “Number One” right here Picard!

    I’m twelve too.

  3. Kyle says:
    24 June, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    You’d think Starfleet R&D would’ve developed more durable uniforms by the late 23rd century.

    1. Kyle says:
      24 June, 2014 at 1:56 pm

      Correction… *24th century

  4. Joshua Bryant says:
    24 June, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    just curious… do you do that with wesley action figures?

  5. Annette says:
    24 June, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    He’s asking for a high five, Wil. Don’t leave little Riker hanging.

    And that came out so much dirtier than it sounded in my head.

    1. Padawanabe says:
      25 June, 2014 at 4:17 am

      Its Riker, he’s ALWAYS hanging

  6. Mary Contrary says:
    24 June, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Hurr, hurr, hurr! Hope he doesn’t have a kung fu grip!

  7. Jon Woodland says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Did you organize your USS Wil Wheaton? Curious to know where it lives.

  8. Michelle says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    I’m right there with you in 12 year old land! Also, what’s up with his enormous hands? O.o Ah well, he does have a large phaser to match!

  9. Dan Foster says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Someone has to send this to Frakes ASAP. He’ll love it.lol

  10. zajuts149 (@zajuts149) says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    His phaser is set to maximum stun…

  11. strangecharm89 says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    I am 25 and have a similar Picard with phaser on my bookshelf, as well as a much larger Q. Not ashamed.

  12. ssweeny says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    I had that same Riker figure when I was a kid, and I never knew why his uniform was ripped. My weird brain had to start every scenario with him getting attacked or something to explain it before I could continue playing.

  13. David Coleman (@Retdsquid) says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Is that what you and Brent were talking about on the Big Bang Theory?

  14. Joy says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    So tame compared what we used to do with my action figures. It’s like they were made to be inappropriate.

  15. Aegis says:
    24 June, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    And now of course you’re envisioning the REAL Riker of today, 20-30 years later, doing the Exact. Same. Thing…

  16. W.A. ten Brink says:
    24 June, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    At first I thought he was holding a lightsaber, not a phaser. Use the force, Riker! 🙂

  17. Windstryker says:
    24 June, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    So when Mr. Frakes sees this, do you think he’ll raise you a masturbating Wesley figure?

  18. purehorsefeathers says:
    24 June, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Thanks for the smile! I’m guilty of doing the same thing XD

  19. Mark Phillips says:
    24 June, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Ah, a wanking joke. Gives a whole new meaning to “slapstick” comedy. PxD

  20. Denise says:
    24 June, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    This post and the comments made me giggle 🙂

  21. Woodrobin says:
    24 June, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Number One! Set phaser to schwing!

  22. melissa (@mimi78) says:
    24 June, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Haha. Awesome.
    My husband and I are always twelve. We were discussing my job and he said, “You could volunteer at the local fart bank for all I care, as long as you’re happy with what you’re doing.” And I said, what would a fart bank do? To which he said, “well, like a regular bank they collect and distribute farts.” (Of course!)
    So, I put on my best hoity toity voice and said, “Hello please I’d like to deposit three farts… wait, no… just two.”
    So. Much. Laughing.
    We also draw things all over the glass shower door in the bathroom for each other. The Claire usually pays no attention, until last week when she noticed the enormous dong someone drew on the door, pointed and said “WHAT’S THAT!?”

  23. David says:
    24 June, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Does it ever seems strange to own action figures of your friends? Or do you just get used to it after a while?

    1. David says:
      24 June, 2014 at 7:36 pm

      Seems? Er…seem.

  24. Spudnuts says:
    24 June, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    As a man, I feel oppressed.

  25. Spudnuts says:
    24 June, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Hee hee.

  26. tonyp says:
    24 June, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Future generations will marvel at your works Wil Wheaton!

  27. Lee Lowe says:
    25 June, 2014 at 1:16 am

    Looks like Ewan mcgregor as obi wan kenobi in star wars 2 but in a star trek uniform with a light sabre in the first pic. Cool

  28. Jason Nugent (@JasonTwoSheds) says:
    25 June, 2014 at 5:34 am

    Heh. Your post forced me to smile, and reminded me that I’m still 12 years old as well.

  29. Chad says:
    25 June, 2014 at 8:02 am

    LOL Love it. I have all my Star Trek toys put aside for now, but I will never get rid of them!

  30. Robert Salls says:
    25 June, 2014 at 8:07 am

    I totally had that same Riker figure. He was the star of many an adventure. We attached Deanna Troi to one of those build your own rockets. Her chute failed to deploy on re-entry and she was never quite the same afterwards. 🙂

  31. Alan Oursland says:
    25 June, 2014 at 11:30 am

    I collected Star Wars figures in college. I would frequently return to my dorm room to find my roommate had posed them performing various sexual actions.

    “Action” figures, indeed.

  32. Karen Ellison says:
    25 June, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Best. Blog entry. Ever!

  33. Mark says:
    25 June, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    I have an unopened cadet Wesley (NRFB!)…. I am SO tempted to open it and recreate the above pictures with Wesley…..

  34. WyoPeeps says:
    25 June, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Isn’t that all Riker did in the show anyway?

  35. Spudnuts says:
    25 June, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    Starfleet eliminated that particular model of phaser/replicator for three reasons:

    1) The three foot range of the weapon was found to be impractical.

    2) Though the device was capable of generating an endless supply of delicious taffy, the novelty wore off after about a week.

    3) An unacceptable number of crew persons were killed or maimed because they were unclear as to when the replicator or weapon aspect of the device was deployed… which is to say, several people had their heads removed when they attempted to squirt soft serve into their mouths and the phaser switch was enabled, as opposed to the replicator side of… things.

    …

    …

    …

    I feel like I have a lot of editing to do before this comment can be reduced to a tweet.

  36. Spudnuts says:
    25 June, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    If you shoot taffy on a Gorn, he just gets pissed.

    1. paulahelmmurray says:
      26 June, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      Snerk.

  37. stealthgeek says:
    26 June, 2014 at 2:34 am

    “Growing older is mandatory, growing up is voluntary.” Now if someone wants me, I’ll be in my fort under he table with my colouring-in book and chocolate milk.

  38. paulahelmmurray says:
    26 June, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    A friend got hold of one of the Tarzan of the Apes action figures that had a lever in the shoulder to make one hand move. Which was regrettably positioned sort of like the pose you pictured. The hand would move up and down with the lever…

    Mothers DID notice and the toy was recalled fairly shortly after release. But hey, once you buy it, you don’t have to give it back!

  39. Herb Finn says:
    26 June, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    Wil, Did you send Jonathan a copy of this post? 🙂

  40. Grayman11b4v says:
    27 June, 2014 at 3:36 am

    Perhaps it’s time to bequeath your action figure collection to your friend, wee little Seth Green.

  41. [email protected] says:
    27 June, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Brent Spiner’s appearance on The Big Bang Theory, Wesley Crusher action figure mint in box flash back. LoL
    Did anyone ever pickup on that your address on the Big Bang is 1701? And yes, I am a geek.

  42. Steve L says:
    27 June, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Sorry to hijack the thread but I didn’t see any better place to bring it up.

    If you have a Geordi La Forge action figure, could you pose it with the Reading Rainbow logo in honor of LeVar Burton’s Reading Rainbow Kickstarter?

    https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/readingrainbow/bring-reading-rainbow-back-for-every-child-everywh?ref=nav_search

    Pledges from now until it hits $5 million will be matched by Seth MacFarlane!

  43. Amy Gossage says:
    30 June, 2014 at 10:27 am

    lol awsome

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