the writer’s dilemma

Last night, I slept as deeply and undisturbed as I have in months. I woke up this morning much later than I’d planned, my body heavy, and unwilling to move on its own. Seamus slept against my hip, Marlowe was curled up next to me, her little face resting against my head.

I took my time waking up, and coaxed myself out of bed.

The wood floors of my house felt cool beneath my feet as I made my way into my kitchen and made the first of what will be many cups of coffee — not because I need coffee, but because I’ve figured out a way to make cold brew coffee that gives me the most delicious cup of coffee I’ve ever had.

Through the living room, I paused to kiss Anne good morning. I walked down the hallway into my office, sat down in front of my computer, and began my day.

I read emails, checked the morning news, glanced at Twitter, moderated comments here and at Radio Free Burrito.

Then I looked at a blank composition window, unsure where to begin. I looked into myself, tried to find something that needed to be recounted, a story that needed to be told, an amusing event over the last few days that was clamoring to be translated from memory and experience into narrative.

I found a single thing, but it’s actually too personal and painful to share. That one thing, though, once identified, starts to feel like a bug bite, demanding to be scratched and then itching more, asserting itself more, the more I scratched it. Though it is, in relation to everything else in my world, very small, it became the biggest thing, the only thing, pushing out everything else

And yet, I can’t.

So I begin typing, putting together images and moments from when I woke until when I began assembling them into words.

And when I get to that point where the thing asserts itself again, it holds me and will not let me pass.

And so I write it, but I don’t press publish. I put it away, in a document that is just for me, and I write this instead.

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55 thoughts on “the writer’s dilemma”

  2. Removing the road blocks. Sometimes that is the only way. If you don’t write it down and get it out of your head it just keeps growing and growing until that’s all you have to think about.

    Now about this way to brew coffee?

  5. I find that everything I write is just for me. Sometimes I don’t want others to read it, sometimes I have trouble finishing things and don’t get past writing down the idea, but mostly other people just aren’t interested in reading it. Luckily, I figured out a long time ago that’s not enough reasons to stop writing/drawing/making/creating.

  6. I do that too. I have a story that’s been clamoring in my head for years, but I didn’t write it because it was too painful to relive. It ended up drowning out anything else, So I wrote it and saved it, just to get it out of my head. Some ideas are just creative constipation (for lack of a better term) and you just can’t write anything you’re happy with until you deal with it.
    Good job with this post, you painted a very clear picture.
    And yes, PLEASE share the cold brew method.

  8. Completely understand. Writing it for yourself if the first step. It takes much of the itch away, plus, it gives you more distance from which to observe it on the page. Then you can decide when/if to publish it.

  9. I often find that when I write things down without the intent of sharing them, they hold less power over me. Then when I read them again days or years later I can share them at will, but not all things need to be shared to be of value.

  10. I have a box full of writers blocks and aggressive, unwanted, unwelcome insertions of the mind… Sometimes it’s a necessary evil. And knowing you do it, too… I feel MUCH less crazy about it. “Thank you for that, sir,” she says earnestly.

  11. Some things aren’t meant to be shared with the world. But share with someone if you’re feeling it fester. You have a kickass wife for such things as those.

    Cold coffee is my life. What’s your method?

  12. I can relate. I have a draft folder filled with posts that are much too personal, but were things I needed to write.

    Thank you for sharing stuff like this.

  14. You have good self control.For some damn reason I’ll write something personal,publish,and then delete 5 seconds later.I have no friggin clue why I do it.

  16. The first words that occurred to me were the introduction to “The Body”: The most important things are the hardest things to say.

  17. I too have something which wants to be written, but not now…and when it is finally written will surely never be shared. It sits patiently in the back of my mind, reminding me that it is still there, but not demanding that I release it. It is a little itch, but I know once I scratch it, it will roar to life and demand to be let out.

  18. Better out than in. When your thoughts or feelings start to weigh heavily, or get in the way of productive action, it’s healthy to expel them. Whether it’s discussed verbally or exorcised in the written word, it liberates you to leave it behind. Next??

  19. I like to think that all writing begins as something just for me. Some of it is worthy of being shared, much of it so personal that it is not. Knowing the difference is the difficult part.

    Thank you for sharing what you do. I enjoy reading what you share.

  20. Being a private writer, myself, I understand the strength of these kinds of documents. Things that get revisited, later, perhaps edited or just deleted…knowing full well that after I’m gone, someone may read them and glean a little more about who I am or was.

  21. There are those moments that need to be written, not for public consumption, but for the soul. The story trapped inside that demands to be let out, yet is too personal to share with others.

    Writing is more than just putting things into word. It’s about exploring ourselves. We have those moments where we write for us. Sometimes, it’s the most important things we’ll ever write.

  22. I love reading your stuff like this – you recount it all so well, including the mental workings. I am inspired by you. You, doing the you things that you do. Never give up, never surrender.

  23. I have those. Those things that demand to be written even when you don’t want to face them. They’re very demanding, but necessary. Like the rusty brown water that flushes out the lines before you can get to the fresh and clean. You have to clear the spout.

  24. Sometimes those things that are too personal become fodder for the best writing, that bit of composition that connects to people because it’s so real. This reminds of Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer’s essay about his writing The Ocean at the End of the Lane http://blog.amandapalmer.net/20130618/

    Sometimes just having written down these things is enough for little bits of the experience to come through in our other writing. That’s the blender-on-10. Sometimes we get the courage to turn the blender down a bit and connect our experience, our pain, our joy, to those around us, but when we do it makes us incredibly vulnerable.

  27. I had a demon once that festered within me and stopped me from doing things. But once I shared it with someone (in private, not a public forum followed by 2M ppl) I was able to release the beast for ever. Good luck man, I feel you.

    “Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” Buddha

  29. I thought the Writers Dilemma would be something like this:

    There are two writers.
    Both writers are approached by a publication. The publication will pay $500-1000 for a short article, or $1-2000 for a long article — budget permitting. The deadline is tomorrow.
    A short article takes one day to write.
    A long article takes two days to write.
    The writers may choose to individually write a short article, or collaborate on a long article.
    Neither writer knows what the other will choose.

  30. My subconscious is far smarter than my conscious. At least some of the time…. 🙂 Am a great believer in putting things on the back burner for processing and pulling them back out again once you (finally) get an epiphany.

    It kind of satisfies the niggling doubt of not doing anything immediately about what is worrying you while satisfying doubt about getting something wrong if you act too prematurely.

    Also really helps with the self-critique, and being absolutely honest with oneself, or has at least for me.

    For what its worth from a total stranger, you’re a good man Wil and we, your readers, are extremely lucky with both your honesty and what you do choose to share.

    Thank you.

  32. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with such a painful moment in your life. Having dealt with crippling depression and the manic highs of bipolar disorder, I can relate to having those moments that you need to give a voice to but the anxiety keeps the words from flowing, or keeps the words tucked away in a secret file on the hard drive. I’ve got plenty of those tucked away … I’ve even had the pages of writing that were deleted as soon as they were done being written. Yet, even though I know I don’t want anyone to read them, I find the writing of them to be very therapeutic… giving words a life outside of your mind (whether a spoken or written life) takes away some of the power they have if they live only inside your mind. So, it is good that you wrote … and, hopefully it brought some comfort or release.

    Peace, Mr W….

  39. and then the pen name Arthur B Wilton was born so you could publish your story to the world and watch to see whether trolls would ruin the whole experience. or maybe not.

    good decision to not post. I have a large folder of stuff where the writing was good therapy and the act of publishing it risks undoing of that reward.

    I also have several pen names to use and sadly the trolls do ruin the experience some times. Isn’t the internet wonderful for allowing us to wear a disguise and avoid the bottom feeding troll that follows notoriety or celebrity?

    keep writing.

  40. I find these conversations with yourself very powerful. I’ve started doing daily videos, not to share. Finding that just articulating the painful things that overwhelm me gives me a sense of control.

    Love your writing Wil Wheaton, and encourage you to continue whether you share or not.

  41. That’s why I like writing novels best. You hardly ever face a blank page! 🙂 (Though some days it’s still beads of blood on the forehead time.)

  43. I admire everything about you, young Wil Wheaton except (a) sleeping with dogs (to whom I hope you are not allergic) and (b) your addiction to AGW (the answer to which I hope you have checked up on). Here it is:

  46. I have done the same thing when I have something I need to write.
    On another note, if you would like something to write about…… how ’bout sharing your killer recipe for cold brewed coffee??? Huh? Huh? Pweeeeesseeee eddie????

  47. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious, but I can certainly understand if you have things you need to express, but only to yourself.

    Just one thought I can’t shake since yesterday: celebrity hacking has been such a “thing” lately, and I can’t help worrying that this post is nothing more than an invitation (challenge?) to those who enjoy that sort of thing.

    Would I be out of line suggesting that you print out what you wrote, file it somewhere safe, and then delete the file? Or at least encrypt/password protect it & put it on a machine that doesn’t live on the Internet?

    I don’t mean to add to any existing neurosis. Like I said, I thought of it yesterday when I read this, and can’t shake the concern…

  48. Your inner non judgmental ninja is proud of you. It’s really OK not to open every door or crack every atom for us. That which you do share, we read with pleasure and the occasional giggle, and it is enough.
    Keep whatever you wish in your Safe-O-Wil. What you do share is meant to be. As is what you do not.

  50. Perhaps just a journal for your eyes. A place to escape and tell things on your mind not meant for the world to see, but to just ease your mind?

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