I can barely define the shape of this moment in time

Last night, our dog, Riley, died. Today would have been her thirteenth birthday.

Riley had a long and wonderful life. She lived much longer than the person who locked her in a closet at a motel that was being torn down thought she would, and though she could be a huge pain in the ass, she was an important part of our family.

Riley was anxious and nervous to the point of being neurotic. She was terrified of the garden hose, had terrible arthritis in all of her joints, and was almost completely deaf. Still, she was happy these last few months, getting to sleep on a the couch whenever she wanted, or sleeping at my feet while I worked in my office. She didn’t want to play very much, but when she did I’d swear she was ten years younger. She still liked to take walks, but she was slow and stayed so close to Anne and me, she hadn’t needed a leash for almost a year.

She wasn’t crazy about Marlowe, and I think Marlowe knew it. Marlowe has so much energy, I think she sort of scared Riley, who was brittle and nervous as a result of it. But Marlowe always tried to help calm Riley down. She would lick her face and nuzzle her all the time, and she stayed out of Riley’s way the rest of the time.

Riley was the last direct connection we had to Ryan and Nolan’s childhoods. She has been part of their lives for so long, through so much and so many things, they lost a member of their family even more intensely than I did, and I have a huge IMADOG hole in my heart right now.

I want to take a second and share a moment Riley and I had several years ago, right after our dog Ferris had died. I was alone in our house because Anne was out of town, Ryan was in college, and Nolan was busy being a teenager. Ferris had died the day before, practically in my arms, in the lobby of the vet:

I saw Ferris’ empty dish last night when I fed Riley, and it unleashed an agonizing wave of sadness so overwhelming, I dropped to the floor in our living room and cried as hard and as long as I ever have in my life.

After she was finished eating, Riley came over to me and sniffed at my face. Through my tears and gasping sobs, I told her it was okay, I just missed Ferris a lot and I was sad.

She rubbed her face against my cheek and trotted into the family room. A moment later, she returned with her soggy tennis ball, which she gently put into my lap. She looked up at me, and then walked into the corner of the family room, where she picked up her rope – her favorite toy, which she brings with her to the front door whenever we come home – and brought it over to me. She set it on the ground next to me, and then laid down and put her head in my lap. I cried for a good long time, but I was comforted by Riley’s actions, even if I’m projecting my own feelings onto her. I felt like she could tell I was grieving, so she brought me the things that make her happy, before letting me cry on her until the fur on her neck was soaked with my tears. When I finally stopped, mostly because I was physically and emotionally exhausted, I felt a tiny bit better.

Riley was a pain in the ass sometimes. She was  complicated, damaged, and difficult, but she was ultimately a sweet and loving member of our family.

I really miss her, and her terrible breath, and that wonderfully derpy look on her face that always said “IMADOG!”

IMADOG

Bye bye, piles. I love you.

A small request: if you choose to comment, please don’t post that Rainbow Bridge thing. I know you mean well, but it has always made me uncomfortable.

Discover more from WIL WHEATON dot NET

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

474 thoughts on “I can barely define the shape of this moment in time”

  3. That “IMMADOG” face never failed to make me laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing her with us and for everything you both do for animals in need.

  5. Sorry for your loss!

    I can’t say I know what you’re feeling, as I’ve never had a pet before. But, clearly, you, Anne, and the boys loved Riley a lot. I’m sure he’s up there, playing with Ferris.

    Once again, sorry for your loss.

  9. One of the worst, gut wrenching times for pet owners. It definitely leaves a hole in one’s life. Sending best wishes to you and your family during this hard time.

  11. Wil, I’m so sorry. We too, just lost our rescue, our pup’s past before our lives bound together, I am sorry that hole in your heart and hope that the rest of your family (furry and not) can help you mend. Such a short lifetime with such unconditional love and laughter; may you find some time to mourn and hope that the other furballs can help you repair that void.

  14. Oh, damn. I am sorry for your loss, Wil. I know the feeling of losing a pet, and it really is losing a family member. At least you will always have the memories. And the silly pictures.

  16. Been there. Lost my furry buddy last year. Not much to say but ((hugs)). Cheers to you and the family.

  17. Dear Wil, I am so sorry for your loss. Your blog post made me cry. I never got over the loss of my family dog and the pain never really goes away. Riley was really lucky to have been found by you. I’m sure she was happy.

  18. (((((HUGS))))) Sounds like she had a wonderful life with you. You were both blessed to have each other.

  20. Sorry for your loss. Pets always make us feel better when we need it. Remember the derpy look and smile knowing She was in you life.

  23. Brings back a lot of memories from when my dogs passed. They’re such a huge part of the family that it does leave you crying to the point where you can’t breathe. So sorry for your loss. Hopefully your other pets will provide you with some comfort, I know that mine did.

  24. You gave her a long and happy life. Hold on to that.The pain you feel now will go away. But the happy memories will always be there.

  26. I’m so very sorry for your loss. We had to say goodbye to our Becky, 14-ish years old, just after Christmas. She simply got old and wore out. She was a nervous, strange dog that we’d rescued from a shelter; she was never a snuggler until the last few months of her life. It was so, so sad and even now I catch myself tearing up now and again, thinking about her. It’s so difficult to say goodbye and yet I can’t imagine a life without dogs. Take care of yourself and your family and grieve how you need to.

  27. Sitting and trying to think of something touching and heartwarming to say. All I can come up with is lots of love to all of you. Riley was very lucky to have such wonderful people in her life and you to have Riley. Hugs.

  28. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. It’s clear how wonderfully loved Riley was. I’m glad she got to live with all of you and experience the happy doggy lifestyle she deserved. Rest in peace Riley.

  30. I’m so sorry, Wil. Our furkids can bring out the very best in us, if only we let them. Clearly you let Riley do that for you. Sending you and your family energy and light.

  32. Sincere Hugs. Trying to avoid platitudes and cliches here (and totally agree about the bloody rainbow bridge thing!) One of the joys of having a rescue animal in your life is the tiny scrap of comfort that their life with you however brief was far better than it could have been. Having adopted and lost over the years it was the one thing that helped the horrid pain and loss a little. Remembering them diminished and scared in the shelter when you found them, then picturing them in your home relaxed, safe, snoring and dreaming blissfully a few years later with the knowledge that you gave them a great life. I am so so sorry for your loss, she seemed a truly fantastic dog. I will raise a glass of whisky in her honour and give the toast ‘ IMADOG!’

  33. I’m so sorry for your loss – most heartfelt condolences from our family to yours.

  39. they take a piece of your heart – and it sure hurts alot…but perhaps you can take some comfort from knowing you saved her life and gave her a wonderful home and lots of love…

  40. So sorry for your family’s loss. And Thank you for sharing your fur babies with us. Riley always put a big smile on my face every time you posted a IMADOG picture. Positive thoughts to you and yours.

  42. So sorry for your loss, I hope with time you can revisit all of the wonderful moments you shared together and smile, knowing that both of your lives were better for having met.

  44. I lost my cat, Rosie, recently. Like Riley, she was a small ball of neuroses and love all wrapped up in anxiety; I’d had her for nearly 22 years and I don’t remember life without her. She was the last of three cats, and I miss her terribly.
    Riley had an amazing life and I’ve always loved your stories about your dogs. I’m so sorry she’s gone, and I know you’ll always remember and love her.

  45. Sorry for your loss, Wil. Back in 2010, my beagle Cooper was hit by a car, and I thought I would never get over it. A few weeks later I got a new puppy, another Beagle that I named Roscoe. He turned 5 yesterday and I honestly can’t imagine my life without him. Our pets bring us so much joy, and losing them really is like losing a family member. My heart goes out to you, your wife and kids.

  47. So sorry to hear this news. 🙁 We lost one of our two dogs on Feb 17 this year to complications from spleen cancer. It remains the most crushing emotional experience I’ve ever had, and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.

    Reading this news brought back all the hurts and feels of Bear’s passing. As such, it reminds me that I’m not as over it as I thought I was. I don’t blame you for it; it just does me good to know that there’s other folks in the world that are as powerfully affected by the loss of their furry kids as I am.

    My condolences and best hopes to you and your family as you traverse this horrible time in your life. Just remember that this moment of pain can’t hold a candle to the many years of joy she brought to your lives. I’ll be hugging on my remaining baby extra hard for you tonight.

  48. God, that was heavy even just to read. My condolences to all of you, and thank you for sharing her with all of us.

  50. I wrote this to Anne on twitter earlier- it’s something a good friend told me once.

    She loving, and she was loved. What more can you ask for a life?

    Take care.

Comments are closed.

Related Posts

Recent Posts