in which i am terribly sick for the first time in years

I once played a great game of Microscope with some friends, where we were telling the story of a colony that arrived in a foreign place, tried its best to establish itself, but was ultimately destroyed by a native species. Some of the rules were that it existed in a liquid state, we had no high technology, and that we didn’t know where we came from, just that we needed to survive. When the entire thing was over, we looked at what we created, and realized that we had told the story of a bacterial infection that had found itself in a body, and the body’s immune system eventually fought it off. It turns out that I’ve been reliving this story inside my own body since Sunday.

About two weeks ago, I proudly told a friend of mine, “since I had H1N1 a few years ago, I just don’t get sick anymore. I guess my immune system is a golden god.”

Tuesday night, my immune system decided to take my hubris down a little bit. I started having aches in my elbows, hips, and knuckles in the early afternoon. Shortly after dinner, I was shivering and sweating, and my entire body hurt. By the middle of the night, I woke up in sheets that were completely soaked through. My body was covered in sweat, and my hair felt like I’d just climbed out of a swimming pool. My stomach and entire GI system hurt, and oh my god the aches in my muscles.

It was official: I was sick. I was, like, intensely sick. I was as sick as I’d been in years, and my poor wife had to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of me, like I was 5 years-old.

In the morning yesterday, while I struggled to sleep, Anne called my manager and assistant, and asked them to cancel my day — including @midnight, which was a real bummer — and then she made me a doctor’s appointment.

When we got to the doctor, I described all of my symptoms, and how long I’d been having them (I didn’t realize it until I said it out loud, but I’ve, uh, been shitting like a goose since Sunday morning). He told me that it could be a long list of ailments, and that we’d probably never know precisely which one it was, but he suspected that I got some weird bacteria from eating shell fish on Saturday, and it went Battle of Helms Deep on my body (not his exact words). So I’m on some antibiotics, and taking acetaminophen to keep the fever down, along with some anti-nausea medication to help me keep down food.

Anne got me what I realized is the standard “I’m sick and this is all I want” kit from the store: chicken soup, green Gatorade, and apple sauce. So far, I’ve been able to hold it down, and I think my fever may have broken overnight. I’m still sore, and my body feels wrecked, but my doctor told me that I should steadily feel better over the next few days, and that yesterday was the worst of it.

So I’m hoping that I can just rest and stay hydrated and help my body fight off whatever is trying to ruin my day, and maybe I’ll watch a bunch of Adventure Time or something.

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83 thoughts on “in which i am terribly sick for the first time in years”

  3. That green gatorade, man. It is so essential in times like these.

    If there’s anything I learned from my mom, it’s to keep an emergency supply of that stuff.

  4. Hey, that was me in April. I was bragging to a coworker earlier in the month that I was the only one who hadn’t gotten sick yet. Two weeks later, bronchitis struck and I was out for three days. When will we learn to keep our mouths shut? 🙂

  8. You could try pedialyte instead of gatorade (it’s actually a better choice, but either is fine I suppose); if you can fix the dehydration you’ll feel so much better. I’m sorry you are so sick and I hope you feel better soon. I (and I am sure many others) missed seeing you on @midnight. Do you think you’ll be back on anytime soon?

  10. Now maybe you can begin to understand why the Book of Leviticus in the Old Testament forbids the eating of shellfish, and allows ONLY the consumption of fish with BOTH fins AND scales! Shellfish, as well as shrimp, crab, and lobster, were not created to be eaten, Rather, they eat other creatures themselves. It’s like the old computer saying–“GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT!” Think about it!

    1. Have you seen Wil’s arm? I’m pretty sure he’s not keeping to Leviticus. It could be that when you make over 500 rules some of them happen to be right some of the time…

  12. Sucks that you had to miss @midnight, especially since Felicia was on too. I love watching you guys play off each other. Hope you feel better soon!

  17. Hope you feel better soon. I think this bug is zooming around the country. My son and I had the same symptoms last week. He wound up in the ER dehydrated and needing 2 liters of IV fluids. Being sick sucks.

  18. Just remember to look East on the dawn of the fifth day. Gandalf will come swooping in with chicken soup.

    1. See, this is how I know I’m among my people. I came down to the comments to post that the antibiotics are Gandalf and the Rohirrim in this scenario.

  19. Waving pompoms toward your immune system. Help Wil out, white blood cells! woo!

  24. I had something very similar a few months ago. I was traumatized. The last two weeks I’ve eaten pretty much normally but before that I was afraid to eat and meals were out of the question so I survived on mostly snacking. I also realized I shouldn’t rely on blue Gatorade because it uh turns uh things (i deposit in the toilet) green/blue and is very off putting when your system isn’t working properly. Probiotics helped me get things running smoothly again once I was better. I’m still apprehensive of eating sometimes it was awful and I never want to experience that again. Hope you feel better real soon and can recover psychologically faster than I did.

  26. I don’t usually comment (lurker) but as I read the comments here I thought how cheering it would be to see well wishes from all over if I felt sick. So – well wishes to you! In my case, from Colorado. Here’s to a speedy recovery with much less drama than it would take to make a good novel.

    Glad you have the whole hydration/antibiotic/probiotic force on board.

  27. I love that no one knows what flavour of Gatorade they like…only the colour. Myself, I like blue or white. Be well, Wil!

    1. This reminds me of Lewis Black’s routine about Nyquil, which is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

      “Nyquil comes in two colors: red and green. It’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like…red and green.”

      [on drinking a whole bottle of Nyquil] “I woke up three days later. I was in Rockville, MD, a city I’d never been in. I was standing in front of a courthouse, and I was married to a woman I’d never met. But, goddammit, I could breathe again.”

  28. I just finished my course of antibiotics for strep throat, which I hadn’t had in twenty years and it was like, body, why are you doing this? This is a childhood ailment, wtf? Also, this is an educated guess, but ondansetron/zofran is one helluva miracle drug, innit?

  30. Hope you feel better soon, Wil. Food poisoning really isn’t fun. If you don’t know about it already, you might like the twitter feed @rikergoogling

  31. There have been some really funky bugs going around this year. The phrase “sickest I’ve been in years” has been heard a lot. I said it myself, when I got the worst head cold last month. Feel better and speedy recovery!

  33. I feel your uhm annoyance I guess, I’ve been here too Wil, it sucks donkey bits.

    I hope you feel better soon all the best.

  34. I had these same symptoms a month or so ago and I thought I was going to die! It hit like a ton of bricks, lasted for probably three days, and then slowly started receding. I hope you get better, pal. Missed seeing you on @midnight, but your health is way more important. Rest up.

  38. This same thing hit me Tuesday night. It was done in 36 hours, but damn, did it suck.

  40. The good news is, that since you’re immune system is essentially strong (having not been sick in a long while), you will probably bounce back quickly once this is done kicking your ass.
    Get well soon!

  42. Oh man, that sucks. It sounds like you’re getting better already, but I’m sorry you caught whatever it was.

  43. You got this, Wil!!! Just think of all the glorious XP you’ll earn after.
    – your friendly rabid fangirl, and Guillain-Barre research scientist. 😉

  46. Get sleep Wil. Maybe a portable DVD player for movies. Can lay it next to you in bed or on your torso. Take care, and get well soon.

  47. I like how you blame absolutely nothing on the stresses that this week’s schedule slip had to have put you through. Even though it must have been at least a small contributor. You’re gonna get your mugshot in the dictionary under “professionalism” some day.

  48. Feel better Wil! Also I guess I haven’t been paying attention, I didn’t realize you were gonna be on @midnight but that will be awesome 😀

  50. Wait…is that a thing? The this is the only thing I want list? Because I do that every time I’m sick. Blue gatorade, Fla-vor-Ice pops, chicken broth.

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