About twenty years ago, I had a portable spa in the back yard of my first house. One day, the heater stopped working, so I called a repairman to come out and look at it. He told me that there would be an $85 charge no matter what, and I told him that was okay. When he got to my house, he opened up the access panel where the heater, pump, and filter lived. He looked inside, then looked back at me.
“Did you try pushing the reset button?” He asked.
“Um. No,” I said.
He pushed the reset button, and the heater came back to life.
“That’ll be $85,” he said. I paid him.
This post is about realizing that I was sitting in cold water, and not doing anything to turn the heater back on. This post is about how I hit the reset button.
I had this epiphany at the beginning of September: This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.
So I took a long, hard, serious look at myself, and concluded that some things needed to change.
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
All of these things are interconnected in ways that are probably obvious and non-obvious, and by making a commitment to do my best to accomplish these things, I’ve been able to do a soft reboot of my life.
The hardest part of this was not drink less beer, which surprised me. The hardest part has been writing more. The easiest part of this has been exercise more, which also surprised me. I thought watching more movies would be easy, but it turns out that time is not a renewable resource, nor can time be stretched out in any real way that lets me get, say, four hours of movie into an hour of linear time.
In fact, if I’m being honest with myself (and I have to be, because being honest with myself is the only way this is going to work; I’m making major life changes here, remember), all of these things are hard to a certain degree, and that’s okay, because everything worth doing is hard.
So let’s go down this list and talk about each thing a little bit:
Drink less beer.
I love beer. I mean, I really love it. I brew it, I write about it, I design recipes of my own, and I’ve structured entire meals around what food will pair with the beer I want to drink. The thing about beer, though, is that it’s really easy to just keep on drinking it until it’s all gone or your brain goes, “um, hey, man, ithinkthat … imean … I mean, sorry, hold on. I th- think that youvehadneough.” Excessive drinking isn’t just tough on my liver (which has been a fucking CHAMP for years), it’s also tough on my brain because of my Depression. It’s tough on my heart, too, it turns out, because alcohol the carbohydrates are metabolized as sugar* which drives up insulin which makes my cholesterol go up which is bad for my heart thanks a lot genetics.
So I just made a commitment to drink less, drink more responsibly, and keep the intoxicating effects of the beers I love to a minimum. The first two weeks of this were really tough because I was habitually drinking two or three beers a night, but once I got used to it and broke the habit, it became as easy as I think it’s going to get (and that varies from day to day).
Read more. Write more.
These go together more closely than any other things on this list. Stephen King says that writers who don’t make time to read aren’t going to make time to write and holy shit is that exactly, perfectly true. I need to read so that my imagination is inspired. I need to read so I get an artistic and creative hunger that can only be fed by writing. I need to read so that I feel challenged to scrape ideas out of my skull and turn them into words and images. I need to read because if I don’t, I’m not going to make time to write, and even though I’ve had a lot of success recently as an actor and host and Guy On The Internet, all of those things are ultimately in the hands of others. I became a writer ten years ago because I not only loved it, but because it was a way for me to express myself creatively in a way that ultimately gave me control over my own destiny and my own life.
I struggled as an actor for years (it’s all in my book, Just A Geek! You should buy it!) and I was doomed to a future as a Former Child Star with occasional, humiliating, soul-crushing reality TV gigs if I was lucky. But I made a choice about twelve years ago to stop chasing the big film career I always felt I deserved (and maybe would have had, if I’d made different choices and had better advisers when I was younger) and start telling stories. By writing those stories and embracing the love I’d always had for creative writing, I made a second act in my life (take that, F. Scott Fitzgerald!).
Now this could sound like I’m complaining, or ungrateful, but I promise that isn’t the case. I am totally aware that a combination of hard work, privilege, and luck have all come together for me and put me in a very good place. But I worry about things. A lot. When the night is darkest, and it seems like the sun may never rise, I worry about how long I can sustain this life. I worry about what will happen when the people who choose to hire actors decide that they don’t want to hire me any more. I worry about how I’ll support and provide for my family, and on and on and on.
I am profoundly and completely grateful for the success I had and continue to have, because of the hard work I did in those years. I’m so lucky and grateful for the things I’ve been able to do on TV, and I’m really proud of the things I’ve created for Geek & Sundry. But even Tabletop and Titansgrave aren’t mine the same way a story I wrote is. In fact, the show I did with my name in the title was probably the least “mine” of anything I’ve ever done, and that didn’t feel particularly good at the end of the day.
But writing and storytelling always feels good. It’s truly mine, whether it’s awesome or shit, and nobody can take it away from me. For all of this year and most of last year, I hardly wrote anything of consequence. A few blogs, a couple of columns, and some small creative things that were always well received by the audience, sure, but never consistently and never in a way that fed the creative hunger that constantly makes my stomach growl. Going all the way back to last August, I swore that I’d take more time away from other things to focus on writing and taking the pages and pages of story ideas I have in my little notebook and turning them into actual stories. The thing is, when I took that time off, my health and mana were so depleted, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the work. Every few months, I’d take a week or two off, and instead of writing like I wanted to, I’d play video games and do nothing else, because I was just so goddamn tired. Then I would look up, realize a couple of weeks had passed, I hadn’t done anything, and I needed to get back to “real” work. I would feel frustrated and empty, and the whole cycle would start all over again.
I’ve been reading this book called The War of Art. It gets a little churchy at points, but I can skip over that and focus on the stuff that helps me: identifying all the barriers we create to give us the excuses we crave to not create. It turns out that if I were as good at sitting down and writing as I am at coming up with all the reasons I just can’t do it today, I’d have written ten novels this year.
So a big part of this Life Reset I’m doing is being honest with myself about why I want to write, why I need to write, and why I keep making excuses for not doing it. I won’t go into it, because it’s either too personal or too boring, but if you’re reading this and starting to have the glimmer of an epiphany about your own creative process, maybe pick up this book and check it out. It’s been very helpful for me.
Yesterday, I wrote over 3000 words. I only stopped because it was time to leave for a hockey game (there’s that privilege again), and I felt so goddamn good about myself when I walked out my door. I couldn’t wait to get back to work today, and I’m having so much fun writing this story, it may not even be fair to call it work.
Reading is an important component of this entire process for me, and making time to nourish my creative side has made a big and positive difference. Whether it’s comic books, magazine articles, fiction or non-fiction, I’m reading every day, and finding inspiration in everything I read.
Watch more movies.
Thanks to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video, and a billion movie channels, we have access to more movies than we can ever watch, and that is amazing. Watching movies is, for me, similar to reading books. It’s part homework (as an actor and writer) and part inspiration. I have the opportunity to make short films with Nerdist and Geek & Sundry, so watching movies — good movies, not disposable trash — just makes sense. It also engages my brain in creative and intellectual ways that are important. I need to watch things and feel like I can do that, too, or feel like if that thing got made, there’s no reason I couldn’t make one of my own things. Hell, in this room where I am right now, I have everything I need to take some sort of simple creative idea and turn it into a movie. So why not? Why not watch movies as varied as the true classics (Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown) to the weird 70s experimental (The Trip, Scorpio Rising) to the epic blockbusters (Star Wars, Jaws) and get inspired by them? This is something that I need to do, because sitting in my office all day and looking at the Internet isn’t making me happier, more creative, more productive, or more inspired.
Related: listen to more podcasts like Lore, You Must Remember This, The Memory Palace, Welcome to Night Vale, The Black Tapes, and Unfictional. Those all inspire me to learn more, focus on pacing and storytelling and narrative, and make me want to be a more interesting person.
Get better sleep.
Maybe this is a strange one, but hear me out: for months — most of this year, in fact, now that I think of it — I haven’t slept well. I’ve had the hardest time, ever, falling asleep and staying asleep. I’ve had nightmares that terrify me from the moment I finally fall asleep, well into the following day as they haunt my memories. I’ve lived with the constant dread of waking up in a panic attack, and then waking up in a panic attack. It’s been terrible, and has contributed tremendously to my inability to get motivated, my reliance on alcohol to relax and go to sleep at night, and a general feeling of exhaustion, laziness, pessimism, and futility. I talked with my psychiatrist about it, and we tried sleep medication, which only made my body feel tired, while my brain was still racing along at the speed of terror. After several different attempts and failures, we tried changing up my brain meds, and about six weeks ago, I finally started feeling like a human again. I won’t go into the deep science of it, but we think I just had too much of some chemicals in my brain, and not enough of others. And it turns out that drinking alcohol to help you go to sleep does not result in good sleep, but does result in feeling like shit when you wake up.
So by committing to getting better sleep, I have changed up my evening and nighttime routines. I eat earlier, I drink less, I read more, and I’ve been able to slowly adjust my circadian rhythm from wanting to sleep at 2am to wanting to sleep around 11pm. I’ve used some great apps on my Droid to help me monitor things and determine what patterns work best for me, and while it’s still a work in progress — this entire thing is a work in progress, actually — it’s definitely getting better. When I don’t have nightmares all goddamn night, I’m more rested when I wake up. When I’m rested, I feel better in every aspect of my being. When I feel better, I am more creative and more willing to allow myself to take the risk of feeling good about myself.
Isn’t that strange? It’s a thing that I do, that I’ve done for my whole life: I don’t want to take the risk of feeling good about myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll get complacent, or arrogant, or someone will discover the Truth that my Depression tells me: I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I’m reading another book, called Trapped in the Mirror, that’s really helping me get through that, though.
So I take the risk of feeling good about myself, and more often than not, I actually do feel good about myself.
Eat better.
We all say we’re going to do this, and we always make excuses for why we don’t. Now I’ve been very lucky. My whole life, I’ve been able to stay at a healthy weight and body type without much effort … then I turned 40. In the last couple of years, I gained almost 30 pounds, my cholesterol went through the roof, and my whole body began to hurt, all the time.
There’s no excuse or rationalizing, here. I just wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t getting good nutrition. I wasn’t thinking of food as fuel and nutrients. I wasn’t making an effort to be smart about this, because I didn’t particularly care about myself. I didn’t really like myself, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about getting tubby and slow and out of shape, because I was just getting older and that’s the way it was.
That’s all bullshit. Here’s the thing, and this is pretty much the whole reason I made a choice almost three months ago to hit this reset button and really get my life together: I didn’t like myself. I didn’t care about myself. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the two things that exist the most clearly and form the root of the last few years of my life. In fact, it took my wife, who is the most important person in my whole universe, telling me, “I feel like you don’t care about having a long life together with me, because you don’t care about taking care of yourself.”
Well, that was ridiculous. Of course I cared about having a long life with her! Of course I cared … didn’t I?
I cared about her, and I cared about our kids, but I didn’t really care about myself. And my Depression was doing a really good job of making sure that I didn’t really think about my choices and my actions affected the people I love and care about the most in this world. That was what made me look up, take my head out of the darkness, and commit to doing all of these things.
It turns out that eating well, consistently, isn’t as easy as just eating what I want, when I want. It turns out that it’s really hard to break out of bad habits, but it also turns out that, once I made the commitment to do that, I started feeling better almost immediately. I got an app that makes it easy to track my nutrition, calories, and exercise, and in a very short amount of time, I lost almost all the weight I’d gained. I’d still like to lose five more pounds, and that five pounds is really keen on sticking around, but it’s slowly coming off, it’s staying off, and it feels great. Also, having a digital scale that lets me track precisely how much I just pooped is probably the pinnacle of technology in the 21st century.
And a super bonus that comes with this? My body doesn’t hurt like it did, because I’m not schlepping around extra weight. My joints are healthy, my muscles are stronger, and my skeleton is just in better shape, and that leads me into the last part of this.
Exercise regulary.
My son, Nolan, is a personal trainer. He’s in phenomenal shape, looks like Thor (for reals), and trains both me and his mom. So I should be in great shape, right?
Well, if I’d stuck to a good diet, taken better care of myself, and felt like I actually deserved to feel good about myself, then yes. But as we’ve seen, that just wasn’t happening. I worked out a couple of times a week, I did good, hard workouts, but then I’d feel sore and tired and wasn’t getting the results I wanted (mostly due to poor diet) and I’d come up with reasons not to do it. Then I’d make the mistake of seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower, and I’d really hate myself.
I think that lifting weights and doing inside stuff just isn’t for me. I get bored easily, and I don’t fully participate in the workouts. But I love running. I used to run marathons and 5Ks all the time, and my entire self felt amazing when I did. So why not give running a try again? The excuses wrote themselves.
I was working on Con Man with Sean Astin. Sean told me about the Ironman Triathlon he was training for, and I complained that I couldn’t run anymore, because my body always hurt. Sean talked to me about the diet aspect of it, and then suggested that I use a method of mixing running with walking to work myself back into shape.
So I bought an app called Zombies, Run 5K for my phone. It uses recording and all the various sensors in my phone to let me imagine that I’m a runner in the zombie apocalypse. While I am being trained by a doctor, I listen to my music (Taylor Swift and Tove Lo accompany me on most of my runs) and a story unfolds in my ears. I’m three weeks into the training, and while it’s starting to ramp up from challenging to difficult, it feels great. I look forward to every run, I challenge myself to go as hard and as long as I can (that’s what she said) and the benefits to my self-esteem, my physical and mental health, and overall quality of life are incredible. If I was looking to quantify the value of this, it would probably be like spending five bucks to get ten thousand dollars of awesome. (Does that make sense? I’ve been writing this for a long time and the words are starting to get blurry on the screen).
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. I can do the work that I need to do to accomplish these things.
If I tried to do just one of these things, and I stayed committed to it, I’d probably feel better about myself. Doing all of them together isn’t necessarily easier, but it isn’t necessarily harder, either. Every one of these things supports the other in a sparkling geometric structure of awesome that is making my life significantly and consistently better.
I just did a word count on this, and I’m at nearly 3500 words. I didn’t intend to write this much, and I suspect that most people will tl;dr it, but I’m glad that I spent the time thinking about these things and writing them down like this. I’m sure I’ll revisit this, rewrite it, and revise it, but I’m going to publish it now without a lot of editing. This is raw, and I feel like it’s supposed to be.
* Note: I got the science on this wrong. Per a comment: “In case it matters, consider the inaccuracy of your thoughts about alcohol and what it does to your body. See the Oracle of Wikipedia for details. It’s not the ALCOHOL that hurts your circulatory system (I have the same hypertriglyeridemia genetics problem BTW). It’s the simple carbohydrates that become sugars alkalize immediately. That is, it’s the carb filled beer not the ALCOHOL in it that causes the problem. I’m not a carb hater or fad dieter. But I do believe in studying science and trying to understand reasons for why I need to change my behaviors. That helps with motivations. After all: who would argue with scientific facts?”
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Thanks for writing this. So much of this strikes a chord. I find SO many excuses not to write and I have all but given up on reading. I will have to try this reading to write thing you speak of.
How about adding ‘flying’ to your ‘to do’ list?
We would LOVE to have you as a guest at our UK convention!! 😇
Wow. For those of us who don’t tl;dr it, this is powerful stuff. Even though parts of this address the issues with depression, I think that many people who do NOT suffer from depression can find so much of this to be relatable to them! Thank you!
Thanks for posting this! It’s very inspiring to hear your account of some of the exact same things I’m going through and knowing that the struggle is real and also conquerable. If that makes sense. Thanks for being awesome and sharing.
Glad that you wrote this, glad that I read it. Thank you. (Initially came here to tell you how much I enjoyed the last episodes of big bang theory s8 that I watched, but have been reminded that I really love your writining. Also say thanks to Anne for her wise words).
Thank you Wil. I found myself on the verge of tears several times. I’m lucky not to suffer from depression but I’ve been coming to the (very) slow realization that I feel like crap. I’ve moved myself to the bottom of my list and I think a soft reset may be just what I need. Thanks for making me think Wil.
A great read, as always, Mr Wil. I’m recovering from a torn rotator cuff, that I just had surgery on, your words have given me a lift during my painful recovery. Thanks.
I love your writing, Wil. Actually, I believe I’ve enjoyed everything I have ever seen, heard, or read that you’ve done and I am still so pleased to have been able to see you, Paul, and Storm live in Philly two years ago. Having one of my D20’s on hand to offer you was sheer luck that still tickles me as I had no idea the audience would get to meet you all (and Anne!) after the show. It’s a luxury to know there’s an actor/writer whose work you’re so likely to enjoy that you don’t have to debate whether the time or money will be well-spent, but can instead proceed with the confidence that something good is in the offing.
That I am a fan only serves to make it more meaningful for me when you talk about depression and managing your life. Though perhaps contradictory to say, one one hand I never thought that mental illness would be a challenge I would have to deal with and yet on the other, hindsight clearly shows I have been dancing around depression all of my life. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that it finally managed to trip me up so badly that nine months ago, everything came crashing down.
I’ve been trying to recover and I’m so close to pulling myself out, standing on my own, and rebuilding. Reading about how you’ve been doing a reboot on your own life both reminds me that I am not alone in fighting depression and shows me that yes, it will always be there to deal with but it can be done and a good life is possible. It helps so much to see that it doesn’t remotely mean that one is broken or unworthy. The candor that both you and Jenny Lawson write with and have shown in sharing your experiences with everyone has been and continues to be of great help. I admire you both and knowing you go through similar struggles has helped me to see that I can find ways to succeed myself.
As I write this, I recall your first post on depression where you wrote about how after starting on medication, you were walking with Anne and realized that you felt happy. I haven’t had that one big moment yet, but I have been able to tell friends that, finally, it doesn’t feel like my brain is attacking me anymore. There’s a lot to rebuild, but I can do it. If needed, I have some excellent examples to follow. For all of this, I thank you.
I’m looking forward to more stories!
Thanks Wil. I’m in a similar spot to what you were. Was good hear. I recently did the most humiliating acting gig of my career and it pushed me that step from being depressed to “things are scary and I don’t trust myself with pointy things”. It made me stay running again in my lunch break and trusting the good people around me. There’s a fair bit more for me to do and thank you for the post as it highlights some of those. Time to pick myself up and give it a shot
Thanks Will
Good for you! It is hard to get it all together and make the changes that you know you need to make in your life. It sounds like you have the commitment and drive now. My 17 year old son has gained weight due to his meds, so I see his daily struggle, not only with illness, but with the changes with his weight. You are a great example to people like him. I wish you peace and happiness.
The timing of this post could not have been better for me. I can totally relate to pretty much every word you wrote. I needed this inspiration. Thanks Wil!
One of us…one of us! https://www.facebook.com/groups/notreallyzombiesrun/?fref=nf
Good for you, Wil! You go!
Great read and a great message. What’s the calorie counting app you use? I find myself overwhelmed by the amount of apps designed to count calories and your input would help a lot. Keep up the great work. You are an inspiration to me!
Thank you for sharing, it means a lot. I relate to so much of what you said that I almost cried reading this. I’m trying to pull myself out of a similar hole, though I haven’t been able to convince myself yet that I deserve any happiness. Thank you for the inspiration, sincerely.
Also, from a technical standpoint, this is one of the best written articles I’ve read for a while. And this is with minimal editing? Man, you should be proud of your work.
Thank you.
Wow. Just wow. So incredibly great to read a long post and also, one packed with food for thought. Thank you!
Awesome write-up. This is almost exactly what I’m going through changing up right now, and a thing that a lot of people who are having a rough time should read!
I think one if the biggest ones I have been working on is staying connected to people I care about and truly care about me. Once I started having health issues loved ones started becoming distant with blame to be laid on both sides. It shouldn’t be that difficult, but it’s definitely my hardest challenge.
Thank you so much for writing this Wil. It is often too easy to make the wrong choices and put ourselves last. I truly enjoyed your words and am so happy for the progress you’re making towards a better, happier, more fulfilled life. I too have recently hit the “reset” button – and though I am nowhere near being able to run, I discovered Zombies, Run! a few days ago and I’m taking myself on longer walks thanks to it. I appreciate your honesty and “raw truth.” Thank you!
“Isn’t that strange? It’s a thing that I do, that I’ve done for my whole life: I don’t want to take the risk of feeling good about myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll get complacent, or arrogant, or someone will discover the Truth that my Depression tells me: I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself.”
I just wanted to say that this particular section of your post really hit home for me. Thank you so much for sharing – really. It’s kind of one of those things where you hear something at the right time, in the right state of mind. It’s painful to admit – I go through the same thought process of ‘I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself’. Hearing it from someone else just makes me realize that I need to reach out, get the help I need as well as look inward to begin my own ‘soft reset’.
Hear, hear on the sleep part. I work with (or as part of) tech startups so work hours are a bear and sleep is often the thing that suffers the most if only because there aren’t enough hours in the day. I usually “reboot” on weekends (it’s taken years but I finally put my foot down about weekends being sacred and as off-limits as possible) but it gets harder and harder to run with that sort of schedule. I’m still working on it but I can say wholeheartedly, getting a good night’s sleep is worth a king’s ransom. Set specific hours, find ways to calm your mind before bed (no serious discussions/arguments, light reading or cat video watching, very light gaming), and reduce distractions where you sleep (das blinkenlights need to leave the room). Just because your eyes are shut and you don’t remember the last few hours doesn’t mean you got a good sleep. Sleep apnea and serious snoring can be a problem as well. The best metric I’ve had is if you dream (nightmares don’t count), there’s a very good chance you had a (or were having) a good night’s sleep (or nap). I see dreams as the brain’s film editing booth as your brain sorts out the day’s memories and wraps up all that subconscious thinking you were doing all day. 🙂
Great post. I’ve done many of those changes myself, dropped 40 lbs a few years ago and finished my first ultra marathon today. It can take time for things to really make an impact, but when they do it’s awesome.
And please keep writing. I’ve always enjoyed your works.
Don’t touch a word. It is perfect the way it is. Your thoughts have touched me to the core. Thank you for baring your thoughts to universe. Without burdening you or the ether with my issues, know that your words have crystalized my thoughts and prompted me to start my own list of things to do. Starting first with my health and well-being will allow a clearness of mind that will permeate the rest. One step, however small, moves one toward the goal.
Hitting rather close to home, as I’ve been having my worst bout of depression since my early 20s these last few months. I feel like I’m slowly coming out of it, maybe, but it’s hard going.
One of the big spiralling factors for me is that when I start to get an episode, my mind takes any downtime as an excuse to list all the reasons why I’m horrible, terrible, and not worth being alive – usually, that means whenever the distractions get turned off, aka when I lie down to go to sleep. This, of course, means not being able to fall asleep, which means being chronically tired, which means feeling even worse, which means a stronger Depression Voice in my head, which means less sleep, etc.
About a fortnight ago, though, another blogger I read mentions that he listens to audiobooks while he falls asleep because it keeps the negative voices at bay, so I thought I’d give that a try. I found an audiobook app that has a 10 minute timer on it (after about 9 minutes and 30 seconds, the audio slowly starts to fade until the audiobook automatically turns off), and I’ve been listening to that when I go to bed. I keep the volume pretty low so it doesn’t bother my partner, and I pick easy-going fluff books. So far, it’s been working really well. It doesn’t keep me asleep, unfortunately, or get rid of the anxiety nightmares, but it’s done a fantastic job of getting me to sleep. Most nights, I have to reset the timer once, but I’m asleep in 15 minutes rather than 3 hours, and there have even been some nights where I’ve fallen asleep before the first timer runs out.
Thanks Wil.
My niece shared some something on FB about 6 months ago that hit with me. “Losing weight is hard. Being overweight is hard. Choose your hard.” In six months she has lost about 30+ pounds. She feels much better and has increased energy.
Great for you for choosing your hard Wil. Keep it up. You are worth it.
Stay awesome, Wil. You inspired me when we were both kids, and you appeared to me as Wesley, and now that I am pushing 40, and you went there ahead of me, I kinda like to think that you show me what is to come in the future.
Be the change you want to see in the world. And don’t forget to have a little fun every day.
Good for you Wil. Good for you.
It is very inspirational to hear actors have the same feelings as us, mere mortals. I have had depression for years and got worse after my son passed away from SIDS. I eventually had to do a similar thing of reseting my life. Of course the anxiety is there still but I do manage it better. Better sleep helped along with being more physically active. Letting go of anger helped a lot also. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Wil. You are an amazing person and have a great sense of humor. Keep up the amazing work in your life.
Hugh
I adore the app Zombies! Run. It’s the one I use. I’m so glad you’ve committed to making yourself feel better. You mean an awful lot to an awful lot of people. Your frankness regarding mental health has been a huge boon to me in dealing with mine. Sending you lots of (hopefully not creepy) internet stranger love.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!. I was nearly in tears reading this at one point making similarities to my current lifestyle and choices. I too have been living with depression for about 11 years now (since graduating high-school). I’ve never really sat down and assessed my life, but i damn sure think its time to have a talk with the mirror. Again, thank you for sharing your story and i hope it inspires others as well. I make myself no promises but i’m going to make 110% effort to just..LIVE..thank you wil, please never stop writing and sharing. 🙂
Thank you very much for sharing this, and explaining each point so eloquently.
I’ve struggled with my own depression the past few years, and despite being fortunate to have a loving wife and a healthy baby, I doubt myself constantly. I am also struggling with many of these issues, and your words are inspiring me to make the adjustments I need to be happy again.
Keep up the good work you do!
Thank you. I am fighting to keep from drowning in a new bout of depression after several years of feeling better (grateful for the reprieve). Reading your experience was like getting a gulp of air just as drowning seemed inevitable. Thank you for the breath, Mr. Wheaton.
I’m so glad you wrote this. I keep planning to do a soft reboot of my life and I keep finding excuses for putting it off (things like, “I can’t afford a fit bit, so I’ll start when I can buy one.”).
The honesty you write with about your mental health struggles is impressive and powerful. I have bipolar. I, thankfully, have been stable on the same meds for several years. However, even though my moods aren’t swinging wildly, I still have to deal with Depression Voice in my head almost constantly. Weekly therapy helps combat most of it, but it’s still super-hard to motivate myself.
I hope to use your example to start small but make incremental changes in my life. Thank you.
Have you done the thirty days of writing challenge? I know technical writers that do this at least once a year and it really helps keep mental juices flowing.
I am so glad you wrote this Wil. Thank you. It didn’t seem like 3500 words. You said what was needed and it came from the heart.
I know what its like to not like myself or care if I existed another day or not. I understand the struggle when that lying voice says “You can’t be happy I don’t deserve it.. blah.blah “echos in my mind. How hard it is to tell it to “Suck it and bugger off,lying nonsense! “. That’s hard but worth it and empowering when I DO say that.
That I CAN do anything I set my heart and mind on.
I’m not your family by blood, I’ve never had the chance to see you up close (100’away at a huge panel at a convention doesn’t count as “meet” in my opinion .) I am merely a fan that shares a few hobbies with you,a few similar struggles and likes your realism. If it’s worth anything, I’m proud you were able to press reset and succeed in your goal.
IF that lying voice, tell it off or T’Mihn’ll come kick its butt.; -)
Rock on Bearded One! \m/ Live long and prosper man, you got this.: -)
This spoke to me in many ways. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I recently hit the reset on my life and you put into words much of my own path. Depression Lies.
Wil. That is a stunningly poinient article that you have written. It has rung so many bells with myself and my own attempt to reboot my life since turning 40. I rarely comment on people’s blogs and websites now, but after what must be 14 years of reading your articles, blog entries and stories, I am totally convinced writing is your calling in life. You are the only author to have ever reduced me to tears from your writing.
I related to this on every pointl and feel like I could not have described it better myself. You touched on exactly everything I am resetting. Nothing left out. Growing up fighting my depression and anxiety my mom always tried to sooth me and would say, “you’re not alone.” I’m 39 and reading this, this is the first time I’ve ever actually felt that I was not alone.
Thanks Will.
Wil, I’m racing on ahead of you along life’s bumpy highway by about a decade, so allow me to say, “When I was your age….” I wish I had thought like you are right now. It took me a little longer than you to figure out these things. I turn 54 in a couple days and I weight 25 pounds less than I did when I was 50, so even us old farts can change.
A therapist recommended this book to me and I’d like to recommend it to you. Actual science and good reasons why exercise can help you with depression. Hope you find it useful.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0058RTMY0?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage
Really glad to hear you’ve recognized your need for change and are making it happen, Wil. You deserve to be healthy and happy. To be frank, I’ve often wondered if you’d been having trouble in some way in recent years, because whenever your writing got political it seemed to drift into what felt like a lot of anger and hatred as opposed to just political disagreement. From a guy who used to regularly say, “Don’t be a dick,” this seemed a bit odd. I’ve always liked your work on screen, from Stand By Me right on up through Eureka and beyond. Again, I’m glad you’re moving back toward happiness.
Wow. I thought it was just me.
I made a similar decision to do something about my weight. Three years ago I was 465 lbs when I started at a new health clinic. They were awesome and amazing and their genuine compassion and caring helped me to care about myself enough to make the decision to improve my health. In the first 6 months I lost 50 lbs, but like so many times before I started to fall back and in the next 6 months gained 15 lbs. I knew what I had to do but I lacked direction and focus.
I should also mention that shortly after I started at the clinic they referred me to a weight management clinic but the waiting period was 2 years. I met the doctor at the weight management clinic and he recommended either gastro bypass surgery or a 6 month program which involved taking 4 shakes a day 900 calories a day for 3 months plus a group session once a week where they would go over a healthy lifestyle topic led by either a dietician, a kinesiologist or a behaviourist. The shakes helped get my weight loss started, and I lost 80 lbs, but the biggest gain I got from them is that they broke me of all my bad eating habits. After the 6 month program I was down to 323 lbs, and because of the group sessions I had all the tools I needed to continue on my own.
I have often heard people say that the more you exercise the more you want to exercise, but I never believed them. Truth be told I had a hard time staying motivated. Right about the same time I started the weight loss program I found a walking group run through the same Health Clinic mentioned above. The volunteers who ran it as well as the many other participants were always encouraging and as I lost more and more weight and my walks got faster and longer the more they offered words of encouragement.
This past summer I had reached a plateau in my walking. I knew I had to increase it. The next logical step of course was to start running as well as add in weight toning. I started at the gym in july, barely able to run at 5 mph for one min. So I began interval training. 1 min 5 mph 2 min 3.5 mph. I gradually increased the running speed and the the time I spent running till I was able to run 1.5 miles and eventually 3 miles at a time at 5.7 mph.
Now at just about one year after starting at the weight clinic and 3 since starting at the health clinic and deciding to start the journey I am within sight of my goal. I am currently 248 lbs. Last saturday I ran 6.2 miles(10km) for a charity run in 65 min. It is safe to say I am in the best shape of my life. I know 248 lbs still seems like a lot so for a little perspective I will add that at the start I was over 50% body fat and now I am 24 % body fat(22% considered good > 26% being poor).
If you had told me last year that I would be where I am today I would not have believed you. It looked impossible. You may well have told me to walk a thousand miles. The old saying ” A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single steps” rings true, since over the past year I have walked or run well over 1000 miles over and above what I did the year previous.
Boy, it just got really dusty in my office, and now it’s raining on my face. That’s weird.
I love that you shared this, and I’m so happy for you. You’ve inspired me to keep on going!
I’m a Zombies, Run! addict! Wait until you get past the 5k training to the real running game – SO GOOD! In fact, I literally just completed their virtual race (5k) about 20 minutes ago.
Have fun and stay safe from those zoms!
If you haven’t read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, you should. It’s a great pop psychology guide to understanding why you form habits you don’t want, how to break them, and how to judo-flip them around into habits you actually do want. It won’t change your life, but it will help you change your own life more effectively if you’re already motivated.
Another pop psych book I found really helpful was Willpower by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney. It’s a bit dry, but very helpful for understanding the mechanics of how willpower works and how to focus it where you need it. (Side note: I hereby pledge to buy any book you write called Wil Power.)
In many ways, this could have been written by me. I needed the external influence of someone else having similar issues and changing the way they live as a reminder that I can overcome my habits and excuses. I start Kendo next week- a first step towards being around to meet my grandkids many years from now.
Thanks.
Nothing like a swift literary kick in the ass to get me motivated. Thanks for that, Wil. Very glad to hear that these changes have had such a positive impact on your life. I gave up drinking a while back, and as an editor and publisher I’ve got the reading and writing bit covered, but I sure could use more movies, better sleep, better–healthier, I should say–food, and of course more exercise. Sitting at a desk all day for work is great, but it wears you out, too.
“I was habitually drinking two or three beers a night.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA that’s ADORABLE!
Hey, Will, you might consider adding <a href=”http://www.limetownstories.com/>Limetown to your podcast roll.
You’ve helped me see that I don’t have to feel as bad as I have. That I can actually feel good about myself and it’s ok. For that I can’t thank you enough.