About twenty years ago, I had a portable spa in the back yard of my first house. One day, the heater stopped working, so I called a repairman to come out and look at it. He told me that there would be an $85 charge no matter what, and I told him that was okay. When he got to my house, he opened up the access panel where the heater, pump, and filter lived. He looked inside, then looked back at me.
“Did you try pushing the reset button?” He asked.
“Um. No,” I said.
He pushed the reset button, and the heater came back to life.
“That’ll be $85,” he said. I paid him.
This post is about realizing that I was sitting in cold water, and not doing anything to turn the heater back on. This post is about how I hit the reset button.
I had this epiphany at the beginning of September: This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.
So I took a long, hard, serious look at myself, and concluded that some things needed to change.
- Drink less beer.
- Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
- Write more.
- Watch more movies.
- Get better sleep.
- Eat better food.
- Exercise more.
All of these things are interconnected in ways that are probably obvious and non-obvious, and by making a commitment to do my best to accomplish these things, I’ve been able to do a soft reboot of my life.
The hardest part of this was not drink less beer, which surprised me. The hardest part has been writing more. The easiest part of this has been exercise more, which also surprised me. I thought watching more movies would be easy, but it turns out that time is not a renewable resource, nor can time be stretched out in any real way that lets me get, say, four hours of movie into an hour of linear time.
In fact, if I’m being honest with myself (and I have to be, because being honest with myself is the only way this is going to work; I’m making major life changes here, remember), all of these things are hard to a certain degree, and that’s okay, because everything worth doing is hard.
So let’s go down this list and talk about each thing a little bit:
Drink less beer.
I love beer. I mean, I really love it. I brew it, I write about it, I design recipes of my own, and I’ve structured entire meals around what food will pair with the beer I want to drink. The thing about beer, though, is that it’s really easy to just keep on drinking it until it’s all gone or your brain goes, “um, hey, man, ithinkthat … imean … I mean, sorry, hold on. I th- think that youvehadneough.” Excessive drinking isn’t just tough on my liver (which has been a fucking CHAMP for years), it’s also tough on my brain because of my Depression. It’s tough on my heart, too, it turns out, because alcohol the carbohydrates are metabolized as sugar* which drives up insulin which makes my cholesterol go up which is bad for my heart thanks a lot genetics.
So I just made a commitment to drink less, drink more responsibly, and keep the intoxicating effects of the beers I love to a minimum. The first two weeks of this were really tough because I was habitually drinking two or three beers a night, but once I got used to it and broke the habit, it became as easy as I think it’s going to get (and that varies from day to day).
Read more. Write more.
These go together more closely than any other things on this list. Stephen King says that writers who don’t make time to read aren’t going to make time to write and holy shit is that exactly, perfectly true. I need to read so that my imagination is inspired. I need to read so I get an artistic and creative hunger that can only be fed by writing. I need to read so that I feel challenged to scrape ideas out of my skull and turn them into words and images. I need to read because if I don’t, I’m not going to make time to write, and even though I’ve had a lot of success recently as an actor and host and Guy On The Internet, all of those things are ultimately in the hands of others. I became a writer ten years ago because I not only loved it, but because it was a way for me to express myself creatively in a way that ultimately gave me control over my own destiny and my own life.
I struggled as an actor for years (it’s all in my book, Just A Geek! You should buy it!) and I was doomed to a future as a Former Child Star with occasional, humiliating, soul-crushing reality TV gigs if I was lucky. But I made a choice about twelve years ago to stop chasing the big film career I always felt I deserved (and maybe would have had, if I’d made different choices and had better advisers when I was younger) and start telling stories. By writing those stories and embracing the love I’d always had for creative writing, I made a second act in my life (take that, F. Scott Fitzgerald!).
Now this could sound like I’m complaining, or ungrateful, but I promise that isn’t the case. I am totally aware that a combination of hard work, privilege, and luck have all come together for me and put me in a very good place. But I worry about things. A lot. When the night is darkest, and it seems like the sun may never rise, I worry about how long I can sustain this life. I worry about what will happen when the people who choose to hire actors decide that they don’t want to hire me any more. I worry about how I’ll support and provide for my family, and on and on and on.
I am profoundly and completely grateful for the success I had and continue to have, because of the hard work I did in those years. I’m so lucky and grateful for the things I’ve been able to do on TV, and I’m really proud of the things I’ve created for Geek & Sundry. But even Tabletop and Titansgrave aren’t mine the same way a story I wrote is. In fact, the show I did with my name in the title was probably the least “mine” of anything I’ve ever done, and that didn’t feel particularly good at the end of the day.
But writing and storytelling always feels good. It’s truly mine, whether it’s awesome or shit, and nobody can take it away from me. For all of this year and most of last year, I hardly wrote anything of consequence. A few blogs, a couple of columns, and some small creative things that were always well received by the audience, sure, but never consistently and never in a way that fed the creative hunger that constantly makes my stomach growl. Going all the way back to last August, I swore that I’d take more time away from other things to focus on writing and taking the pages and pages of story ideas I have in my little notebook and turning them into actual stories. The thing is, when I took that time off, my health and mana were so depleted, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the work. Every few months, I’d take a week or two off, and instead of writing like I wanted to, I’d play video games and do nothing else, because I was just so goddamn tired. Then I would look up, realize a couple of weeks had passed, I hadn’t done anything, and I needed to get back to “real” work. I would feel frustrated and empty, and the whole cycle would start all over again.
I’ve been reading this book called The War of Art. It gets a little churchy at points, but I can skip over that and focus on the stuff that helps me: identifying all the barriers we create to give us the excuses we crave to not create. It turns out that if I were as good at sitting down and writing as I am at coming up with all the reasons I just can’t do it today, I’d have written ten novels this year.
So a big part of this Life Reset I’m doing is being honest with myself about why I want to write, why I need to write, and why I keep making excuses for not doing it. I won’t go into it, because it’s either too personal or too boring, but if you’re reading this and starting to have the glimmer of an epiphany about your own creative process, maybe pick up this book and check it out. It’s been very helpful for me.
Yesterday, I wrote over 3000 words. I only stopped because it was time to leave for a hockey game (there’s that privilege again), and I felt so goddamn good about myself when I walked out my door. I couldn’t wait to get back to work today, and I’m having so much fun writing this story, it may not even be fair to call it work.
Reading is an important component of this entire process for me, and making time to nourish my creative side has made a big and positive difference. Whether it’s comic books, magazine articles, fiction or non-fiction, I’m reading every day, and finding inspiration in everything I read.
Watch more movies.
Thanks to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video, and a billion movie channels, we have access to more movies than we can ever watch, and that is amazing. Watching movies is, for me, similar to reading books. It’s part homework (as an actor and writer) and part inspiration. I have the opportunity to make short films with Nerdist and Geek & Sundry, so watching movies — good movies, not disposable trash — just makes sense. It also engages my brain in creative and intellectual ways that are important. I need to watch things and feel like I can do that, too, or feel like if that thing got made, there’s no reason I couldn’t make one of my own things. Hell, in this room where I am right now, I have everything I need to take some sort of simple creative idea and turn it into a movie. So why not? Why not watch movies as varied as the true classics (Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown) to the weird 70s experimental (The Trip, Scorpio Rising) to the epic blockbusters (Star Wars, Jaws) and get inspired by them? This is something that I need to do, because sitting in my office all day and looking at the Internet isn’t making me happier, more creative, more productive, or more inspired.
Related: listen to more podcasts like Lore, You Must Remember This, The Memory Palace, Welcome to Night Vale, The Black Tapes, and Unfictional. Those all inspire me to learn more, focus on pacing and storytelling and narrative, and make me want to be a more interesting person.
Get better sleep.
Maybe this is a strange one, but hear me out: for months — most of this year, in fact, now that I think of it — I haven’t slept well. I’ve had the hardest time, ever, falling asleep and staying asleep. I’ve had nightmares that terrify me from the moment I finally fall asleep, well into the following day as they haunt my memories. I’ve lived with the constant dread of waking up in a panic attack, and then waking up in a panic attack. It’s been terrible, and has contributed tremendously to my inability to get motivated, my reliance on alcohol to relax and go to sleep at night, and a general feeling of exhaustion, laziness, pessimism, and futility. I talked with my psychiatrist about it, and we tried sleep medication, which only made my body feel tired, while my brain was still racing along at the speed of terror. After several different attempts and failures, we tried changing up my brain meds, and about six weeks ago, I finally started feeling like a human again. I won’t go into the deep science of it, but we think I just had too much of some chemicals in my brain, and not enough of others. And it turns out that drinking alcohol to help you go to sleep does not result in good sleep, but does result in feeling like shit when you wake up.
So by committing to getting better sleep, I have changed up my evening and nighttime routines. I eat earlier, I drink less, I read more, and I’ve been able to slowly adjust my circadian rhythm from wanting to sleep at 2am to wanting to sleep around 11pm. I’ve used some great apps on my Droid to help me monitor things and determine what patterns work best for me, and while it’s still a work in progress — this entire thing is a work in progress, actually — it’s definitely getting better. When I don’t have nightmares all goddamn night, I’m more rested when I wake up. When I’m rested, I feel better in every aspect of my being. When I feel better, I am more creative and more willing to allow myself to take the risk of feeling good about myself.
Isn’t that strange? It’s a thing that I do, that I’ve done for my whole life: I don’t want to take the risk of feeling good about myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll get complacent, or arrogant, or someone will discover the Truth that my Depression tells me: I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I’m reading another book, called Trapped in the Mirror, that’s really helping me get through that, though.
So I take the risk of feeling good about myself, and more often than not, I actually do feel good about myself.
Eat better.
We all say we’re going to do this, and we always make excuses for why we don’t. Now I’ve been very lucky. My whole life, I’ve been able to stay at a healthy weight and body type without much effort … then I turned 40. In the last couple of years, I gained almost 30 pounds, my cholesterol went through the roof, and my whole body began to hurt, all the time.
There’s no excuse or rationalizing, here. I just wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t getting good nutrition. I wasn’t thinking of food as fuel and nutrients. I wasn’t making an effort to be smart about this, because I didn’t particularly care about myself. I didn’t really like myself, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about getting tubby and slow and out of shape, because I was just getting older and that’s the way it was.
That’s all bullshit. Here’s the thing, and this is pretty much the whole reason I made a choice almost three months ago to hit this reset button and really get my life together: I didn’t like myself. I didn’t care about myself. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the two things that exist the most clearly and form the root of the last few years of my life. In fact, it took my wife, who is the most important person in my whole universe, telling me, “I feel like you don’t care about having a long life together with me, because you don’t care about taking care of yourself.”
Well, that was ridiculous. Of course I cared about having a long life with her! Of course I cared … didn’t I?
I cared about her, and I cared about our kids, but I didn’t really care about myself. And my Depression was doing a really good job of making sure that I didn’t really think about my choices and my actions affected the people I love and care about the most in this world. That was what made me look up, take my head out of the darkness, and commit to doing all of these things.
It turns out that eating well, consistently, isn’t as easy as just eating what I want, when I want. It turns out that it’s really hard to break out of bad habits, but it also turns out that, once I made the commitment to do that, I started feeling better almost immediately. I got an app that makes it easy to track my nutrition, calories, and exercise, and in a very short amount of time, I lost almost all the weight I’d gained. I’d still like to lose five more pounds, and that five pounds is really keen on sticking around, but it’s slowly coming off, it’s staying off, and it feels great. Also, having a digital scale that lets me track precisely how much I just pooped is probably the pinnacle of technology in the 21st century.
And a super bonus that comes with this? My body doesn’t hurt like it did, because I’m not schlepping around extra weight. My joints are healthy, my muscles are stronger, and my skeleton is just in better shape, and that leads me into the last part of this.
Exercise regulary.
My son, Nolan, is a personal trainer. He’s in phenomenal shape, looks like Thor (for reals), and trains both me and his mom. So I should be in great shape, right?
Well, if I’d stuck to a good diet, taken better care of myself, and felt like I actually deserved to feel good about myself, then yes. But as we’ve seen, that just wasn’t happening. I worked out a couple of times a week, I did good, hard workouts, but then I’d feel sore and tired and wasn’t getting the results I wanted (mostly due to poor diet) and I’d come up with reasons not to do it. Then I’d make the mistake of seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower, and I’d really hate myself.
I think that lifting weights and doing inside stuff just isn’t for me. I get bored easily, and I don’t fully participate in the workouts. But I love running. I used to run marathons and 5Ks all the time, and my entire self felt amazing when I did. So why not give running a try again? The excuses wrote themselves.
I was working on Con Man with Sean Astin. Sean told me about the Ironman Triathlon he was training for, and I complained that I couldn’t run anymore, because my body always hurt. Sean talked to me about the diet aspect of it, and then suggested that I use a method of mixing running with walking to work myself back into shape.
So I bought an app called Zombies, Run 5K for my phone. It uses recording and all the various sensors in my phone to let me imagine that I’m a runner in the zombie apocalypse. While I am being trained by a doctor, I listen to my music (Taylor Swift and Tove Lo accompany me on most of my runs) and a story unfolds in my ears. I’m three weeks into the training, and while it’s starting to ramp up from challenging to difficult, it feels great. I look forward to every run, I challenge myself to go as hard and as long as I can (that’s what she said) and the benefits to my self-esteem, my physical and mental health, and overall quality of life are incredible. If I was looking to quantify the value of this, it would probably be like spending five bucks to get ten thousand dollars of awesome. (Does that make sense? I’ve been writing this for a long time and the words are starting to get blurry on the screen).
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. I can do the work that I need to do to accomplish these things.
If I tried to do just one of these things, and I stayed committed to it, I’d probably feel better about myself. Doing all of them together isn’t necessarily easier, but it isn’t necessarily harder, either. Every one of these things supports the other in a sparkling geometric structure of awesome that is making my life significantly and consistently better.
I just did a word count on this, and I’m at nearly 3500 words. I didn’t intend to write this much, and I suspect that most people will tl;dr it, but I’m glad that I spent the time thinking about these things and writing them down like this. I’m sure I’ll revisit this, rewrite it, and revise it, but I’m going to publish it now without a lot of editing. This is raw, and I feel like it’s supposed to be.
* Note: I got the science on this wrong. Per a comment: “In case it matters, consider the inaccuracy of your thoughts about alcohol and what it does to your body. See the Oracle of Wikipedia for details. It’s not the ALCOHOL that hurts your circulatory system (I have the same hypertriglyeridemia genetics problem BTW). It’s the simple carbohydrates that become sugars alkalize immediately. That is, it’s the carb filled beer not the ALCOHOL in it that causes the problem. I’m not a carb hater or fad dieter. But I do believe in studying science and trying to understand reasons for why I need to change my behaviors. That helps with motivations. After all: who would argue with scientific facts?”
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Not TL;DR. I’ve been on a similar journey, but 18 months in, have been flagging lately. I know my joint pain is directly related to sugar consumption, but damn, life without sugar is HARD. But you’ve reminded me of all the good reasons why it’s worth persisting, plus done a lovely job of justifying reading, so thank you! And good luck to you!
You’ve done a lot of work, and have a lot to be proud of. Have you thought about meditation? I took a Vipassana meditation class a few months ago, and it was one of the hardest, and most rewarding things I’ve ever done. The only downside is that you love it so much you want to tell everybody about it. 😀
Yes to all of this. Some of these mirror my own personal goals as well.
Good for you. Sounds like you’ve got a great support system, too, so I hope you can keep it up.
I’m kind of in the same boat as well. Just about every stress imaginable and I essentially just stopped taking care of myself because I felt like I had to take care of everyone else. I lost control of my weight, was having constant tightness in my chest, and I felt like a tired piece of crap pretty much constantly.
I finally hit my reset point about 3 weeks ago. I’ve only done little things so far: I’m much more mindful of what I’m eating. I bought a fitbit to give myself quantifiable activity goals. I’m not as active yet as most people, but I can see myself getting better every day. The tightness went away and I can already tell I’ve got more energy. I’m starting to feel better about myself in general, so maybe I’ll make it through this thing yet.
tl/dr – Good on you, Wil 🙂
You are amazing, and you do deserve to feel happy and good about yourself. (I know that doesn’t make the depression go away, but sometimes voices from strangers are louder than the voices in our own heads.)
Thank you for sharing this. My struggles aren’t the same as yours, but some of them echo close. It’s also good to read about someone else fighting the fight and having some successes. Keep it up, please, I’d like you to stick around as long as possible.
I have been lacking inspiration for a long time now. I know I am good artist but I have fallen into some deep funk I need to haul myself out of. I cant say that the things you wrote about will work for me but perhaps I can start small. I’ll go check out some books. Set some time aside and get that imagination working again. I need that reset also. Perhaps its time.
Mr. Wil, I don’t always get your new posts, primarily because I live in dreaded Facebook land. However, it would seem that the muses have sent me this post at the right time. Your revelations for you have thoroughly hit home with me. While my list may be different from yours, and similar, this blog made me realize that I have done the same thing. My child and my wife have been the focus of my attention, but at the expense of paying attention to me.
The reality is that I can’t take care of them without also taking care of me, and the change must be made, difficult or not.
Thank you. As always a big fan of you and your work.
Thank you for this post, Wil. This is what I went through a couple of weeks ago and castigated myself for being a loser. But you hit it right–tired. “The thing is, when I took that time off, my health and mana were so depleted, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the work. Every few months, I’d take a week or two off, and instead of writing like I wanted to, I’d play video games and do nothing else, because I was just so goddamn tired. Then I would look up, realize a couple of weeks had passed, I hadn’t done anything, and I needed to get back to “real” work. I would feel frustrated and empty, and the whole cycle would start all over again.”
I really appreciate your writing and your sincerity.
I read the entire thing, so there! you and you’re writing make it worth it. This essay hit home for me, as I am in a similar place: 46, deciding to rethink my creative life, actions and choices, continuing education, losing weight (a bunch of times more difficult sitting on my ass in an electric wheelchair), and finding motivation for ALL of these things. Funny, too, because I decided to start writing about 3 weeks ago, some on my personal life and some on the fictions that flit through my head and it scares the hell out of me. So, thank you, again.
My therapist told me that when you’re trying to improve your life, it’s best to take things one step at a time. He’s right. When you try to change a whole lot at once it feels great for two weeks or maybe a month or two but then you burn out. The reason you burn out is your old life keeps knocking on your door, calling: “Hey! You realize you’ve still got your old responsibilities, too, right?” And your old life isn’t wrong. So, learning a programming language is a great way to build a resume and learn a useful skill. But if you decide to learn the programming language the same time you decide to learn a foreign language, beef up your math skills, put effort into being more social, invest in a new wardrobe, change your diet, exercise more, and start a family… well, you’re going to feel horrible when you fail to keep up with everything. And there’s really only two outcomes: either 1) you try to do everything at once and fail at everything, or 2) you realize you need to prioritize and you deliberately fail at some things so you can accomplish the others. This is probably why big life changes are always done by college-aged kids since they haven’t yet collected a trove of responsibilities, and why mid-life crises are hilariously disastrous fodder for comedic adventure stories.
I don’t think you’ve bitten off more than you can chew just yet, but keep an eye on your schedule and be realistic about the time it takes to do things.
I also wanted to say that I think it’s really important and a sign of how strong your relationship is that Anne can say to you that she’s noticed something you’re doing that is potentially self-destructive and you’re able to hear her. That skill has been so freaking hard to master for me, since my brain liked to tell me that i was JUST FINE OKAY no matter how many people said otherwise. I still find it hard now, though it’s more about shame than anything else now.
Some ssri’s can cause nightmares. My husband had a lot of trouble with Effexor. Too much Prozac was a problem as well. I take Lexapro, no problem. Sleep study told my daughter to wear a mouthpiece, which has been working quite well for her for months. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for sharing. It always moves me when you talk about your struggles. In many ways, you’re the type of person I wish I was, and it sounds a bit bad to say but knowing that you have some of the same issues, and are just handling them better right now, is a comfort, like you’re awesome, but you’re realistically awesome.
Anyway, you mention that it’s not like you can squeeze several hours of movie time into one in real time… and to a very small degree, that’s what I’ve been doing the last few years. Maybe it won’t work for you, but I find some methods of watching things on-line, (anything I can watch in VLC, in particulary), you can alter the speed, increase it… and I find that if I only do it one tick in VLC (I think it’s 1.5x normal), I can watch it without much problem, and get through an hour and a half movie in an hour. Sure, it seems a little off, at first, but my mind adapts to it remarkably fast and sometimes I have to use other means to check and see if I’ve sped it up or not, or if I’ve forgotten. And I do it virtually all the time (I go to 2x sometimes for reality show junk that I can’t quite give up)… that time does add up.
Thank you for this…I’m just starting a similar journey, for both my mental and physical health. And it helps to know that someone that I admire so much as yourself gets it. So, yeah, thanks!
It’s working. Saw you at the grocery store about six months ago, then again about two weeks ago. I almost didn’t recognize you. The changes on the outside are obvious. This piece proves the changes on the inside. Congratulations.
Thanks for this. I’m in desperate need of a reset myself, and this post really helps give me some specific goals to strive for. (Also, thanks so much for the Black Tapes rec on Tumbler recently, I’ve become totally addicted and also found a whole new world of horror podcasts to eat up. Thank you!)
Not too long, did read – thank you, sir.
I didn’t tl;dr this. I love that you speak so honestly about these things. You’re willing to be honest with not only yourself, but also everyone else in the world and that seems to be so very rare these days. Anyway, the posts you make like this have always been so helpful to me and my family and I truly appreciate them. Thank you. Also, you’re a great writer so even a lengthy post is never too long to read. It takes as many words as it takes to say what needs to be said. Don’t fret.
Thank you for writing this. I read it all. You’re one of my inspirations, and this is one of the big reasons why.
I started the process of re-booting my life about 14 months ago (it’s very much a process, not a one-time event, and you have to re-commit to it Every Freaking Day) by deciding to take grains out of my diet for 100 days in an attempt to kick start some weight loss. Within about 10 days, I realized that I had pretty much entirely stopped hurting, which was awesome (holy cow I can fix this!) and also caused me to say “OH GODAMMIT!” because I love baked things oh so much. (NOTE: coconut flour is AWESOME, and allows me to make baked things I can eat, and that are actually healthy!)
That was the start.
Since then I’ve dropped about 30 pounds, I think, and I mostly don’t hurt and I have a lot more energy. I don’t hate looking in the mirror any more.
And… I have my first fiction publication coming out in a couple months, and just got accepted into the Art Show of my local scifi/fantasy convention.
I’m 51.
So, I guess what I’m saying is, you’re doing absolutely the right thing, and I am so proud of you for doing it. You ARE worth it… and you are worth every bit of effort it’s going to take to keep doing it.
“Magick is the fine art of getting off your ass and doing something.” – me
(oh, and if you keep having the nightmares, and your psych hasn’t tried you on prazosin… ask about that. It’s specifically being used for PTSD patients, and does seriously help with the night terrors.)
<3 <3 <3
Wil, sounds like you are finding balance in your life with this re-boot. One thing I have learned about mental health is that it is more than meds. That pesky Depression that follows us, along with the anxiety and panic, can also be managed and even defeated with different mindfullness tools. One I use daily is WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). It is a series of self-created tools that empowers me to stay well on a daily basis. Check it out at : mentalhealthrecovery dot com.
Best wishes with this re-boot! Monkeyboxers 4 life!
I read it all and it made me think very hard about my own situation amd choices. I turn 40 in 2 days and my own depression has skyrocketed. Im over weight, sore all the time, can’t concentrate, can’t sleep, though thankfully I do not drink more than one hard cider every week or two. I have gone back to college to get my degree and the pain and lethargy is making it very very hard. I think I can try all 7 steps to help myself too. Thank you for being honest and open, it helped me open up too as I read it.
That was wonderful, Wil. Thanks!
Thank you for being so honest about your struggles. I’m at that spot where I desperately need a reset but haven’t quite been able to implement it yet. I started some new brain drugs last night that I hope will help perk me up. Right now it all seems so hard and unattainable, and there’s this delicious cake sitting right here, and TV instead of sitting down and getting my craft on.
You have actually been on my mind this week. I was worried that you might be having a bout of depression. I’m glad you wrote. And wrote! I think you are amazing and brave. I am so glad you have been so candid about your process. I try to be open and vocal about depression, anxiety, and my personal gremlin, ADD. I love SBM, TNG, Eureka, BBT, ConMan, but THIS writing thing is your best work yet. And I have been an editor for 20 years, so I know!
I’ve been building a makerspace in my home town. I’m alternately mighty and terrified. I developed a shameful Nutella problem – straight from the jar. I gained weight and broke out like a french-fry-making teen. I kicked it this month and now I am following your valiant lead. Starting Monday, I am returning to my morning hill climb that has soothed my soul in the past. Thank you for your 3500 words. Keep writing. You are making a difference and inspiring nerds in your wake. <3
(And thank you Anne!)
I’ve been to a few of those places in my head, and the rest of what you say sounds just like my husband. Look after yourself. (PS. So getting that Zombies app – sounds awesome)
Read. Every. Word. Loved it. And can definitely relate. Keep up the struggle, you can do this. You give hope to those of us in similar boats.
Your body may have been feeling pains due to wheat allergies. Its causes poor nutrient absorption.. which causes slow bodily repairs. Ive had reactions where my whole body felt like it was on fire… as well as crippling joint pains. They were seemingly random.. but it turned out that it depended on how much wheat was in my diet. As soon as I eliminated wheat, I felt about 50% better in only 2 days. More energy, no more pains.. and better attitude / mood. (without proper nutrients levels, your mood can be severely effected) Being gluten free is not easy… nor cheap… but its saved me a lot of pain and suffering.
I also highly recommend Daily 1hr Meditation. Do not skip a day… as you will lose the progress you are trying to make. After about 2 to 3 months.. a huge change will happen. Your mind will be far more quiet, calm, clear. You will be in a far better mood. You will experience life far more differently, with greater enjoyment, appreciation, and awareness… of every moment.
This effect will be permanent. So once it is attained… you could stop meditation, if you so choose. Its the best thing Ive done in my entire life.
The 2nd best thing I had done.. was Martial Arts. Wing Chun Kung Fu, with some other arts techs tossed into the mix. Its a far more fun way to build your strength and coordination… than typical exercise routines. Once I reached a certain level.. I would end up sparring at local schools for fun, fitness, and practice / mastery. Sparring burns massive amounts of calories… and its packed with an Adrenalin rush.
Best of luck on your journey.
I’m really happy for you. It’s silly that I should worry about a stranger I only read about on the internet but I really got worried about the beer thing. I get it that it’s a hobby but there rose a feeling that the gourmet was being shoved side by the gourmand and regular drinking is a red flag in any circumstance but with a clinical depression it’s the chute into the abyss.
I’d like to add that pushing restart is the way to go. But please be aware that you need time to get rolling … or hat up in that picture. You’re not there yet. Please don’t despair when you realize that but turn to your family for help.
I’ll continue to read about you on the internet. And I will celebrate with you just like I worried about you (still do because, man, you don’t know what’s yet before you).
Always remember: depression lies. Son it will say: I’m all gone, as if I was never here.
Don’t let it fool you.
Love,
Ange
a fan from Germany
What are the other apps you mentioned, especially the sleep and nutrition ones?
Though, if you’re a runner, doing it as if you’re in a zombie Apocalypse sounds awesome. But, I’m not a runner. I have significant health problems (Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Disk Disease in my neck), so exercise, while good for me, can be challenging. But, I am interested in which apps you found appealing for sleep and nutrition (I swear, I think, when they figure out FM, they’re going to find that a lack of deep, restorative sleep, is at the base of it!).
While not that surprised that you have Depression too (it seems so many people whom seem like they’re funny, are often the ones that have it the worst… RIP Robin Williams), I find your insight and approach about it refreshing. I am so tired of people telling me if I just would do this, or if I just would do that… then I’d do soooooo much better… they don’t have depression, never have, don’t know what my struggles are like… but they’re sure if I just changed how I did things… yeah.
I am verrrry intelligent… don’t they realize… I have tried, realllly tried, soooooo many, different things! I know there’s no way I can cure what’s wrong with me physically, and maybe not even emotionally/mentally… but, I at least hoped, that if I approached that problem, like I had everything else, my whole life, by researching, planning, then doing it… maybe I could find something, some way, that could slow the deterioration, stop from feeling like my whole life was now a handful of sand, and the harder I tried to hold it in my hand, the more of it trickled out… my life kept getting smaller and smaller… more and more things I was finding were too hard for me to do anymore, or, even if I could still do them, I’d be out of commission, barely able to get out of bed for days after…
But even then, I was OK… because I would always have the husband who’d loved me for 30 years, as I had him, (because he’d just sworn that to me, one night, when I got really scared about my life, because I could hardly control it anymore, and I was soooooo scared, that he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore, and would leave, and I’d be sick and all alone… and that scared me soooooo badly… he made me look him in the eye… and he told me he was NEVER leaving me, that I NEVER even had to worry about it… I broke down crying again, from the relief, comfort, support, and love that promise gave me…), and I would have our family, our kids, his daughter, my stepdaughter, and our 2 sons… no matter how bad it got, I could handle it, because I would have them…
Then my husband left me 2 years later… and not only threw me into my worst nightmare, he blamed me, was suddenly saying I’d abused him, especially verbally (yet couldn’t think of any actual incidents), and I had talked down about him, in front of our kids (I very much remember telling them to leave the room, or asking my husband to go to another room with me, to talk), and, other things he’s decided I did to him that were horrible… which didn’t happen… I told him, even a small part of me understood, that, hell, there are times I would leave, if I could… but, unfortunately, my leaving would be a lot more permanent, and would hurt our kids…
We even called off the first divorce, got back together, were soooooo glad, both of us, that we hadn’t lost us, something so precious… because, we had it… that thing that soooooo many people yearn for, speculate that maybe it doesn’t even exist, want so badly to find… we HAD found it, and loved it, cherished it, for 30 years (am I saying it was perfect? Of course not… marriage, real marriage, is messy, exhausting, hard… but, it is sooooooo worth it… because it’s also wonderful, magical, precious… and, you find that you fall in love over and over again, through the years…). I told him, I couldn’t take it, if he ever did that to me again… hurt me so deeoly like that, left me, shut me out, treated me like I didn’t matter to him anymore…. when you’re with someone that long… you feel them, even when you’re not physically around them. You can reach out, and feel them, feel their love, their connection to you… when he left me, and then filed for divorce… he was soooooo cold to me… I would reach out… and there was either the horribly severed connection, or, just an emptiness (I was in a minor car accident, soon after he’d left me… we were supposed to meet at our house that evening, where I was still living, to talk about things… he’d moved out to his moms… I went to the ER, because my neck and upper body had been in a twisted, leaning forward position, for a turn, when I was rear ended quite hard… the seat belt locked, torquing back the right side of my body… hips, rib cage, shoulder… and my head snapped forward… I was hurting quite badly, and was feeling kind of spacey (and, had just been diagnosed with the neck problems, a few months before that, and didn’t know if this could have done further damage), so I had my son take me to the ER… while I was there, waiting for x-rays, I texted my husband,, to tell him I couldn’t meet, why, and asked if he’d come to the ER ( I’d told son to go home, I didn’t know how long it would take). I knew he was close by, because we’d been supposed to meet… he said that yes, he was at our house, but he was going to go back to his mom’s…. it was pretty much like that, for 7 months… I told him, I couldn’t take it, if he did that to me again… he would just hold me, and comfort me, tell me no, he wouldn’t ever hurt me again… I really thought we were going to try, work on whatever had gone so wrong… but he barely went to two counseling appts, and he moved back to his mom’s 2 1/2 months later (he’d talked me into letting him move back in, though we’d both started off, agreeing, we needed to take things slow…). I thought we were just having him go back to his mom’s, and do it right, the way we’d talked about… but, he called me a few days later, told me he couldn’t do ‘us’…
And, of course, there was another woman… isn’t there always? But… the person he was then… wasn’t the man I’d fallen in love with at 18, married, when I was 20… and loved, been loved by, all those years…
I should have prefaced this with the fact that I got stuck in another state for a year, before he did this. He’d had hernia surgery, and about 8 months after it, we’d gone down to where I’m from, my husband, our oldest son, myself, and our 2 elderly dogs, in 2 cars. My son drove our van. We’d gone down to work on a rental that was part of my late father’s trust. They had to go back for work, but I stayed there, as it would be easier on me, rather than traveling back and forth… they were going to come back on my husband’s next long stretch off, and finish up the work. But, he started having horrible pain from the surgery. Our son said the pain was so bad, that he’d had to drive all the way home, that his dad couldn’t even sit up, much of the time. I was very concerned about him, didn’t want to add any more problems, said I’d be OK down there, thinking they’d figure out what was wrong, then he and our son could come back down, we could finish the work, and I could rent the house back out. But, they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He’d have some periods of time it was better, but the bad pain kept coming back. I still thought I could make the drive back. I’d bought tickets to the Taylor Swift concert up in Portland for that September, before I knew we had to go down to do this work. So, I was going to come back for the concert, take my mom, who was 77 then, because she really liked Taylor Swift….
I’d been packing up the car, and shutting down my dad’s house all day, having rolling panic attacks all day. I’d gotten to where all I needed to do was put the valuables in, myself and the dogs, and go… and a massive panic attack hit. I knew I couldn’t drive that way, and the amount of medication I would have had to take to stop it, I couldn’t drive that way either… I ended up calling my husband, sobbing, because I’d just realized another really big thing I could no longer do… the drive of 460 miles between my hometown, and my home… I ended up in bed, sobbing for 3 days… not because I wasn’t going to be able to go to the concert… but because here was another thing, a really big thing, that I could no longer do… (Though, looking back with such clear vision now… I wish I’d done WHATEVER it took, even if it was only traveling 20-50 miles each day, staying in motels along the way, WHATEVER… to get home… but I didn’t know then, my marriage was on the line…). He and I were fine through all of that time, through March of the next year (we’d gone down at the end of May, the year before). But, then something changed in April, May… before that it had all been, “I love you, I miss you, can’t wait to see you”, etc… but then there was this distance… and he said strange things… like, I could come home now, the snow was melted in the pass… I asked what he was talking about, the snow wasn’t why I couldn’t get home. He would get distant before in our marriage… I’d learned it did no good to say I knew something was wrong, it would just make things worse… he would always talk to me, once he was past it, tell me what he’d been upset about, and we’d talk about it… I didn’t know it wasn’t that, that he was cheating on me, with a female coworker…
So, from that, and what came after… how oddly he was acting, all the stuff he’d gone through recently (he had the hernia surgery, which turned out badly, he had to stay a few horribly painful days in the hospital (it was supposed to be go home same day surgery) then his dad passed away, and then we got separated for a year… ), I know many roll their eyes when I say this… but, I’ve known him my entire adult life.. and the man I’d been married to all those years… he never would have done, acted like, said, the things this person was now capable of. Especially, being able to hurt me… I think something broke in him… us being apart was the final straw. At one point, he told me it just felt safer to him, being at his mom’s… what 56 year old guy SAYS that…?!!
Sorry… I got to rambling… but, like you, it felt real, raw and honest…
So, now we are divorced, when we said we’d never get divorced, if we got married, and after he swore, promised me… I am all alone, sick, trying to figure out how to even want to go on, in this life I’ve been shoved into. And, though the depression is still quite bad at times, I still keep trying… someone shared this on FB today… I think I was meant to read it. Maybe another try at sleep (I haven’t been able to sleep the last 2 nights, so that by the time I’ve fallen asleep, I’ve ended up sleeping much too far into the day), nutrition, and then, eventually, exercise, in extreme baby steps,… maybe this time, I’ll see some improvement…
And. Hehehehehehehehehehe…. wait until I tell my son you listen to Taylor Swift!! He’s made me listen to soooooo many of those podcasts of guys playing games, on those drives… often, with YOU as one of the players! (In case it wasn’t obvious… Taylor Swift isnt his cup of tea.. ) Hahahahahahahahahahaha…
Soooooo… if you could list the apps you’ve found helpful, especially for sleep and nutrition, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you! The Restart Button is the Hero’s Journey of 50% of screenplays. Yours is inspiring and so clearly written.
Like a lot of others have already said, this echoes things I’ve been managing as well. I’ve only just accepted my own depression and begun working with my doctor on treatment, so this resonated with me on things I need to work on. Keep writing, man.
I think one reason some people find it hard to sleep is because they eat late and have too much energy in their blood stream when they want to rest. I try not to eat my evening meal after about 7pm and not eat any other food after that, and I find my sleep comes quite naturally at bed time.
You may not want to eventually start training to do an Ironman like Sean Astin, but triathlon training is much more fun than just training for running races. Triathlon season is kind of winding down until next Spring, but if you are interested, check out the Pasadena Tri Club!
So do you track this?
Well said, sir! My wife and I both struggle to some degree with depression, not getting enough sleep, eating better, etc. And the beer! Oh heaven’s manna, the damn beer! I partially quit because of the cost, but also because of my triglyceride levels. And WTH is it about turning 40? Everything hurts.
But for us making real changes all comes down to motivation. And for me that motivation is to look at myself as if my wife were behaving the way I do. You assumed that you were acting like you wanted to live a long life with your family, but when you really examined your behavior, well, surprise! Same here. I CAN make those changes, but at every opportunity I am either too busy or too tired, or (most likely) just too scared to see if I can make those changes to my routine and still keep the other things that I enjoy, but are not helping me with this long term goal.
Anyway, thanks for the reset. I’ll take a look at my autoexec.bat file and see why I continue to make the same poor choices every day.
Another Runner 5!!!! I love the story behind how this app began–it’s made for storytellers.
But in general, thank you for sharing this. Proud of you.
Thank you! This was just the inspiration I needed!
Thanks I need this read… I am going to go have a little cry now and when i am done figure out what i need to do a soft reboot.
Perfect timing having this to read this morning. Bravo.
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. – Yes you do
I can do the work that I need to do to accomplish these things. – Yes you can
Thank you for sharing. I have a doctor’s appointment today.
You’re a good man Wil Wheaton. Thanks for sharing this. I think a lot of us readers can see parts of ourselves in it. Keep going and keep sharing. And thanks again!
Hey im a Wheaton! Never really see this name! Wow
I’m facing almost all the same issues. Thanks for being honest. It helps.
Hey Wil, I know just how had all this is and many a geek/nerd will tell you they are or have attempted the same. I think I speak for meany of these individuals when I say: “We’re proud of you, Wil.” What you’re doing for yourself is what many of us aspire to do as well and to see someone a lot of us have a healthy respect for doing the same is both sobering and wonderful to see. Eager to see how your reset continues and progressing. You’re doing a great job, Wil. I only hope my own will power can hit a similar state as yours has.
I set the reset button a few years ago. It began when I left teaching to pursue writing. And I, too, had to take a hard look at the choices I had been making. In the classroom I was physically active & interacting with hundreds of people a day. Writing can be lonely. I sit all day & it’s easy to eat the wrong things when “no one is watching”. So about 6 months ago I hit reset again. I became more aware of what I ate & began to excercise more. (I tried the running thing, it’s hard for me. My drug of choice is Zumba.) I recently took a part time job as an art instructor. I was getting too secluded in my writing cave. And now I’m forced to interact with people, and I forgot how good it feels to just laugh. Change is hard. It’s freaking scary! But I think shaking things up is what makes us interesting. Choosing to swim against the ride is not only both physically & mentally healthy for us, but inspiring for others. So cheers to you, Wil! Best of luck on your journey.
Really great read. I can relate to so much of it, but from the other side.
My husband suffers with depression, and I’m his supportive side kick 🙂
He’s a legend, and I’m so proud of how openly he deals with it.
Keep writing Wil. 🙂
Hugs from Ireland.
As everyone above says, thank you for putting yourself and your journey out in the world. Your honesty and generosity isn’t just admirable, your example helps my children understand they’re not alone and they R OK. My son admires you greatly and my daughter (who is 12) has a little crush on you, thanks to Tabletop. Best to you and your family from me and mine.
Best wishes for reaching your goals!
I can relate to most of it; it seems you’re aiming for the right direction.
You are a great person and an inspiration for a lot of people out there, so keep up the good work!
Wonderful. Congratulations! Thank you for sharing.