Seven Things I Did To Reboot My Life

Photo Credit Tony Case on Flickr

About twenty years ago, I had a portable spa in the back yard of my first house. One day, the heater stopped working, so I called a repairman to come out and look at it. He told me that there would be an $85 charge no matter what, and I told him that was okay. When he got to my house, he opened up the access panel where the heater, pump, and filter lived. He looked inside, then looked back at me.

“Did you try pushing the reset button?” He asked.

“Um. No,” I said.

He pushed the reset button, and the heater came back to life.

“That’ll be $85,” he said. I paid him.

This post is about realizing that I was sitting in cold water, and not doing anything to turn the heater back on. This post is about how I hit the reset button.

I had this epiphany at the beginning of September: This thing that I’m doing? This series of choices I make every day? It isn’t working. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the things I’m doing. Things need to change.

So I took a long, hard, serious look at myself, and concluded that some things needed to change.

  • Drink less beer.
  • Read more (and Reddit does not count as reading).
  • Write more.
  • Watch more movies.
  • Get better sleep.
  • Eat better food.
  • Exercise more.

All of these things are interconnected in ways that are probably obvious and non-obvious, and by making a commitment to do my best to accomplish these things, I’ve been able to do a soft reboot of my life.

The hardest part of this was not drink less beer, which surprised me. The hardest part has been writing more. The easiest part of this has been exercise more, which also surprised me. I thought watching more movies would be easy, but it turns out that time is not a renewable resource, nor can time be stretched out in any real way that lets me get, say, four hours of movie into an hour of linear time.

In fact, if I’m being honest with myself (and I have to be, because being honest with myself is the only way this is going to work; I’m making major life changes here, remember), all of these things are hard to a certain degree, and that’s okay, because everything worth doing is hard.

So let’s go down this list and talk about each thing a little bit:

Drink less beer.

I love beer. I mean, I really love it. I brew it, I write about it, I design recipes of my own, and I’ve structured entire meals around what food will pair with the beer I want to drink. The thing about beer, though, is that it’s really easy to just keep on drinking it until it’s all gone or your brain goes, “um, hey, man, ithinkthat … imean … I mean, sorry, hold on. I th- think that youvehadneough.” Excessive drinking isn’t just tough on my liver (which has been a fucking CHAMP for years), it’s also tough on my brain because of my Depression. It’s tough on my heart, too, it turns out, because alcohol the carbohydrates are metabolized as sugar* which drives up insulin which makes my cholesterol go up which is bad for my heart thanks a lot genetics.

So I just made a commitment to drink less, drink more responsibly, and keep the intoxicating effects of the beers I love to a minimum. The first two weeks of this were really tough because I was habitually drinking two or three beers a night, but once I got used to it and broke the habit, it became as easy as I think it’s going to get (and that varies from day to day).

Read more. Write more.

These go together more closely than any other things on this list. Stephen King says that writers who don’t make time to read aren’t going to make time to write and holy shit is that exactly, perfectly true. I need to read so that my imagination is inspired. I need to read so I get an artistic and creative hunger that can only be fed by writing. I need to read so that I feel challenged to scrape ideas out of my skull and turn them into words and images. I need to read because if I don’t, I’m not going to make time to write, and even though I’ve had a lot of success recently as an actor and host and Guy On The Internet, all of those things are ultimately in the hands of others. I became a writer ten years ago because I not only loved it, but because it was a way for me to express myself creatively in a way that ultimately gave me control over my own destiny and my own life.

I struggled as an actor for years (it’s all in my book, Just A Geek! You should buy it!) and I was doomed to a future as a Former Child Star with occasional, humiliating, soul-crushing reality TV gigs if I was lucky. But I made a choice about twelve years ago to stop chasing the big film career I always felt I deserved (and maybe would have had, if I’d made different choices and had better advisers when I was younger) and start telling stories. By writing those stories and embracing the love I’d always had for creative writing, I made a second act in my life (take that, F. Scott Fitzgerald!).

Now this could sound like I’m complaining, or ungrateful, but I promise that isn’t the case. I am totally aware that a combination of hard work, privilege, and luck have all come together for me and put me in a very good place. But I worry about things. A lot. When the night is darkest, and it seems like the sun may never rise, I worry about how long I can sustain this life. I worry about what will happen when the people who choose to hire actors decide that they don’t want to hire me any more. I worry about how I’ll support and provide for my family, and on and on and on.

I am profoundly and completely grateful for the success I had and continue to have, because of the hard work I did in those years. I’m so lucky and grateful for the things I’ve been able to do on TV, and I’m really proud of the things I’ve created for Geek & Sundry. But even Tabletop and Titansgrave aren’t mine the same way a story I wrote is. In fact, the show I did with my name in the title was probably the least “mine” of anything I’ve ever done, and that didn’t feel particularly good at the end of the day.

But writing and storytelling always feels good. It’s truly mine, whether it’s awesome or shit, and nobody can take it away from me. For all of this year and most of last year, I hardly wrote anything of consequence. A few blogs, a couple of columns, and some small creative things that were always well received by the audience, sure, but never consistently and never in a way that fed the creative hunger that constantly makes my stomach growl. Going all the way back to last August, I swore that I’d take more time away from other things to focus on writing and taking the pages and pages of story ideas I have in my little notebook and turning them into actual stories. The thing is, when I took that time off, my health and mana were so depleted, I couldn’t find it in myself to do the work. Every few months, I’d take a week or two off, and instead of writing like I wanted to, I’d play video games and do nothing else, because I was just so goddamn tired. Then I would look up, realize a couple of weeks had passed, I hadn’t done anything, and I needed to get back to “real” work. I would feel frustrated and empty, and the whole cycle would start all over again.

I’ve been reading this book called The War of Art. It gets a little churchy at points, but I can skip over that and focus on the stuff that helps me: identifying all the barriers we create to give us the excuses we crave to not create. It turns out that if I were as good at sitting down and writing as I am at coming up with all the reasons I just can’t do it today, I’d have written ten novels this year.

So a big part of this Life Reset I’m doing is being honest with myself about why I want to write, why I need to write, and why I keep making excuses for not doing it. I won’t go into it, because it’s either too personal or too boring, but if you’re reading this and starting to have the glimmer of an epiphany about your own creative process, maybe pick up this book and check it out. It’s been very helpful for me.

Yesterday, I wrote over 3000 words. I only stopped because it was time to leave for a hockey game (there’s that privilege again), and I felt so goddamn good about myself when I walked out my door. I couldn’t wait to get back to work today, and I’m having so much fun writing this story, it may not even be fair to call it work.

Reading is an important component of this entire process for me, and making time to nourish my creative side has made a big and positive difference. Whether it’s comic books, magazine articles, fiction or non-fiction, I’m reading every day, and finding inspiration in everything I read.

Watch more movies.

Thanks to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video, and a billion movie channels, we have access to more movies than we can ever watch, and that is amazing. Watching movies is, for me, similar to reading books. It’s part homework (as an actor and writer) and part inspiration. I have the opportunity to make short films with Nerdist and Geek & Sundry, so watching movies — good movies, not disposable trash — just makes sense. It also engages my brain in creative and intellectual ways that are important. I need to watch things and feel like I can do that, too, or feel like if that thing got made, there’s no reason I couldn’t make one of my own things. Hell, in this room where I am right now, I have everything I need to take some sort of simple creative idea and turn it into a movie. So why not? Why not watch movies as varied as the true classics (Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown) to the weird 70s experimental (The Trip, Scorpio Rising) to the epic blockbusters (Star Wars, Jaws) and get inspired by them? This is something that I need to do, because sitting in my office all day and looking at the Internet isn’t making me happier, more creative, more productive, or more inspired.

Related: listen to more podcasts like Lore, You Must Remember This, The Memory Palace, Welcome to Night Vale, The Black Tapes, and Unfictional. Those all inspire me to learn more, focus on pacing and storytelling and narrative, and make me want to be a more interesting person.

Get better sleep.

Maybe this is a strange one, but hear me out: for months — most of this year, in fact, now that I think of it — I haven’t slept well. I’ve had the hardest time, ever, falling asleep and staying asleep. I’ve had nightmares that terrify me from the moment I finally fall asleep, well into the following day as they haunt my memories. I’ve lived with the constant dread of waking up in a panic attack, and then waking up in a panic attack. It’s been terrible, and has contributed tremendously to my inability to get motivated, my reliance on alcohol to relax and go to sleep at night, and a general feeling of exhaustion, laziness, pessimism, and futility. I talked with my psychiatrist about it, and we tried sleep medication, which only made my body feel tired, while my brain was still racing along at the speed of terror. After several different attempts and failures, we tried changing up my brain meds, and about six weeks ago, I finally started feeling like a human again. I won’t go into the deep science of it, but we think I just had too much of some chemicals in my brain, and not enough of others. And it turns out that drinking alcohol to help you go to sleep does not result in good sleep, but does result in feeling like shit when you wake up.

So by committing to getting better sleep, I have changed up my evening and nighttime routines. I eat earlier, I drink less, I read more, and I’ve been able to slowly adjust my circadian rhythm from wanting to sleep at 2am to wanting to sleep around 11pm. I’ve used some great apps on my Droid to help me monitor things and determine what patterns work best for me, and while it’s still a work in progress — this entire thing is a work in progress, actually — it’s definitely getting better. When I don’t have nightmares all goddamn night, I’m more rested when I wake up. When I’m rested, I feel better in every aspect of my being. When I feel better, I am more creative and more willing to allow myself to take the risk of feeling good about myself.

Isn’t that strange? It’s a thing that I do, that I’ve done for my whole life: I don’t want to take the risk of feeling good about myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll get complacent, or arrogant, or someone will discover the Truth that my Depression tells me: I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I’m reading another book, called Trapped in the Mirror, that’s really helping me get through that, though.

So I take the risk of feeling good about myself, and more often than not, I actually do feel good about myself.

Eat better.

We all say we’re going to do this, and we always make excuses for why we don’t. Now I’ve been very lucky. My whole life, I’ve been able to stay at a healthy weight and body type without much effort … then I turned 40. In the last couple of years, I gained almost 30 pounds, my cholesterol went through the roof, and my whole body began to hurt, all the time.

There’s no excuse or rationalizing, here. I just wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t getting good nutrition. I wasn’t thinking of food as fuel and nutrients. I wasn’t making an effort to be smart about this, because I didn’t particularly care about myself. I didn’t really like myself, I didn’t feel like I could do anything about getting tubby and slow and out of shape, because I was just getting older and that’s the way it was.

That’s all bullshit. Here’s the thing, and this is pretty much the whole reason I made a choice almost three months ago to hit this reset button and really get my life together: I didn’t like myself. I didn’t care about myself. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the two things that exist the most clearly and form the root of the last few years of my life. In fact, it took my wife, who is the most important person in my whole universe, telling me, “I feel like you don’t care about having a long life together with me, because you don’t care about taking care of yourself.”

Well, that was ridiculous. Of course I cared about having a long life with her! Of course I cared … didn’t I?

I cared about her, and I cared about our kids, but I didn’t really care about myself. And my Depression was doing a really good job of making sure that I didn’t really think about my choices and my actions affected the people I love and care about the most in this world. That was what made me look up, take my head out of the darkness, and commit to doing all of these things.

It turns out that eating well, consistently, isn’t as easy as just eating what I want, when I want. It turns out that it’s really hard to break out of bad habits, but it also turns out that, once I made the commitment to do that, I started feeling better almost immediately. I got an app that makes it easy to track my nutrition, calories, and exercise, and in a very short amount of time, I lost almost all the weight I’d gained. I’d still like to lose five more pounds, and that five pounds is really keen on sticking around, but it’s slowly coming off, it’s staying off, and it feels great. Also, having a digital scale that lets me track precisely how much I just pooped is probably the pinnacle of technology in the 21st century.

And a super bonus that comes with this? My body doesn’t hurt like it did, because I’m not schlepping around extra weight. My joints are healthy, my muscles are stronger, and my skeleton is just in better shape, and that leads me into the last part of this.

Exercise regulary.

My son, Nolan, is a personal trainer. He’s in phenomenal shape, looks like Thor (for reals), and trains both me and his mom. So I should be in great shape, right?

Well, if I’d stuck to a good diet, taken better care of myself, and felt like I actually deserved to feel good about myself, then yes. But as we’ve seen, that just wasn’t happening. I worked out a couple of times a week, I did good, hard workouts, but then I’d feel sore and tired and wasn’t getting the results I wanted (mostly due to poor diet) and I’d come up with reasons not to do it. Then I’d make the mistake of seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower, and I’d really hate myself.

I think that lifting weights and doing inside stuff just isn’t for me. I get bored easily, and I don’t fully participate in the workouts. But I love running. I used to run marathons and 5Ks all the time, and my entire self felt amazing when I did. So why not give running a try again? The excuses wrote themselves.

I was working on Con Man with Sean Astin. Sean told me about the Ironman Triathlon he was training for, and I complained that I couldn’t run anymore, because my body always hurt. Sean talked to me about the diet aspect of it, and then suggested that I use a method of mixing running with walking to work myself back into shape.

So I bought an app called Zombies, Run 5K for my phone. It uses recording and all the various sensors in my phone to let me imagine that I’m a runner in the zombie apocalypse. While I am being trained by a doctor, I listen to my music (Taylor Swift and Tove Lo accompany me on most of my runs) and a story unfolds in my ears. I’m three weeks into the training, and while it’s starting to ramp up from challenging to difficult, it feels great. I look forward to every run, I challenge myself to go as hard and as long as I can (that’s what she said) and the benefits to my self-esteem, my physical and mental health, and overall quality of life are incredible. If I was looking to quantify the value of this, it would probably be like spending five bucks to get ten thousand dollars of awesome. (Does that make sense? I’ve been writing this for a long time and the words are starting to get blurry on the screen).

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel good about myself. I can do the work that I need to do to accomplish these things.

If I tried to do just one of these things, and I stayed committed to it, I’d probably feel better about myself. Doing all of them together isn’t necessarily easier, but it isn’t necessarily harder, either. Every one of these things supports the other in a sparkling geometric structure of awesome that is making my life significantly and consistently better.

I just did a word count on this, and I’m at nearly 3500 words. I didn’t intend to write this much, and I suspect that most people will tl;dr it, but I’m glad that I spent the time thinking about these things and writing them down like this. I’m sure I’ll revisit this, rewrite it, and revise it, but I’m going to publish it now without a lot of editing. This is raw, and I feel like it’s supposed to be.

* Note: I got the science on this wrong. Per a comment: “In case it matters, consider the inaccuracy of your thoughts about alcohol and what it does to your body. See the Oracle of Wikipedia for details. It’s not the ALCOHOL that hurts your circulatory system (I have the same hypertriglyeridemia genetics problem BTW). It’s the simple carbohydrates that become sugars alkalize immediately. That is, it’s the carb filled beer not the ALCOHOL in it that causes the problem. I’m not a carb hater or fad dieter. But I do believe in studying science and trying to understand reasons for why I need to change my behaviors. That helps with motivations. After all: who would argue with scientific facts?”

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489 thoughts on “Seven Things I Did To Reboot My Life”

  1. I had to stop home brewing in the nineties because I was making too much beer and didn’t have enough friends to share it with, and drinking it myself was putting on the pounds. But you must have enough friends to drink up the supply. Anyway, have to thank you for the Zombies, Run recommendation. I was a fairly serious runner until a back injury a couple of years ago and was too scared of the pain to start again. But I got the regular Zombies, Run app and just ran my first run in more than a year today. It was too darn fun.

  2. I read every word, and Wil — this is so parallel to what I’ve been going through as well. If you substitute junk food for beer, this is literally the journaling I did this week to try and get myself on track. Health, creativity, career, goals, self worth. All of it.

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It really, really, really is meaningful to me to not feel like I’m the only one going through this.

  4. I took an acting class and watched your Mom and your sister do a great scene, I’ve seen you do Criminal Minds right when I was thinking about you. You’re great, your family is great- it’s what Hollywood needs and really could be. Keep going- you’re a great person and actor!

  6. I just read what you wrote, and I want to cry. I really wish I could start the changes my life, wife and son need, but I can’t get out of my own way. My mental health changes resulted in me losing my almost twenty year career five years ago, and other than summer days spent at a local road race track, I’ve lost what used to get me moving. I’m going to give your words a re read tomorrow. Maybe something will stick.

  8. A great read. I am in rut myself and have constantly failed to get out of it for quite awhile but reading what you have been doing to reset your life has gotten me to think about myself and what I really should be doing to get myself into a healthier life.

  9. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m at a similar point — finally nailed down solutions to a health problem that has been holding me back in all the other areas. Now I’m ready to start a reboot. I’m good at a whole lot of things, but unlike you, I don’t have a burning sense of purpose. I have no idea what to do. It’s disorienting to come out of a stage in your life and say to yourself, in your mid-40s, “I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.” Earlier today I decided to say to myself, “I have no idea what to do next, and that’s OK.”

    What a load off my shoulders. Suddenly I could think about going to social and professional events and just seeing who I meet next and what might happen as a result. I could think about doing a number of things I really enjoy, just doing them, not feeling the pressure of everything being part of my “personal brand” and constantly trying to promote myself. I’m an introvert; that’s exhausting at the best of times. So I’m going to go crazy and do this stuff that’s fun, and meet people just to meet people, and see what personal or professional alchemy takes place.

    So your essay here came at the right time. Thank you so much for breaking it down. Maybe I really can reboot my life too.

  10. I have fallen off the wagon, too, Wil. And I’m climbing back on. I know you know I did a triathlon a few years back. Since then, I’ve done one or two challenging runs, but nothing in about a year, and it shows. I’m still thirty-nine, but…I’m thirty-nine. It’s harder and harder to do the things I need to do to be healthy, physically. I’m also reading and writing less. Funny how that all goes together, huh?

    Thanks for sharing your challenges with us, and perhaps, maybe, we can climb back into the light together.

    No, screw that. Let’s do it. We got this. One day at a time, man. One day at a time.

  12. Like you, I have had early, easy success in my career. Changes in circumstances and ageing have caused increasingly frequent, bigger bumps in the road. Now I am frequently paralysed by indecision or depression. However, when I am forced to concentrate my attention on an “insoluble” problem, I frequently find something like your “reset” button – a simple action or change of habit which solves or significantly improves the situation. Life continues to hold pleasant surprises, often when I most need it and least expect it.

    Despite being a chronic ditherer, I have made my best decisions by focusing on my priorities. This has not only given direction and motivation, but affected other people, too. Ex-girlfriends smile at me, my children love me (despite all my faults), even total strangers are sometimes unexpectedly friendly because they’ve approved of something I did.

    Incidentally, I don’t think your $85 was wasted. In my experience, something obtained at significant cost – in dignity, money, effort, etc – is more valued.

  13. I AM NOT REALLY A FAN TYPE PERSON. I LIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE AND LIKE TO WATCH THE PROGRAM OR WHATEVER THEY ARE ON BUT I LIKE PEOPLE FOR SOMETHING I THINK I SEE BEYOND THE ACT. MAYBE THIS IS BEING OLD AND RAISED WILD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WITH NOTHING BUT BOOKS AND MY PEN AND PAPER FOR ENTERTAINMENT AFTER THE WORK WAS DONE. PEOPLE FASCINATE ME. I LIKED YOU IN STAR TREK BECAUSE I LOVED STAR TREK AND YOU WERE THE KID I IMAGINED ME TO BE. I DIDN’T DISCOVER THAT STAR TREK UNTIL YOU WERE GROWN SO I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE NOT ONLY A GROWNUP, BUT THE AGE OF MY SON. WHEN I SAW THE GROWNUP YOU I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS YOU, BUT YOU WERE BEING FUNNY AND I LAUGHED SO HARD IT MADE ME CRY, WHICH AMAZED ME BECAUSE I HAVE A WARPED SENSE OF HUMOR AND IT TAKES A LOT TO KEEP ME LAUGHING THAT HARD. THEN I DISCOVERED YOU WROTE AND THAT YOU WROTE RATHER IN THE SAME WAY I DID. SO I FIGURED I WASN’T AS LAME AS I THOUGHT I WAS AND JUST STARTED BEING ME ON THE INTERNET MEDIA (I JUST LEARNED THIS PHRASE)’ WHICH I LOVE BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET PLUS TALK TO THE ASSHOLES OF THE WORLD WHO IN SOME CASES ARE THE SAME PEOPLE. THE ONE THING I NOTICED ABOUT YOU IS NO MATTER HOW FUNNY YOU COME ACROSS YOU ARE STILL BASICALLY A VERY SERIOUS PERSON, AND DEEP DOWN A SAD ONE. EVEN WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY. THAT SEEMS TO BE THE CASE WITH MOST GENIUS TYPES, AND MOST PEOPLE DO NOT REALIZE JUST HOW MANY GENIUS THERE ARE IN THE WORLD; EVEN SOME GENIUSES.

  14. Love this! Please do not edit, keep it raw. Sadly, it took the death of my parents for me to seriously consider a reboot. My life gets better everyday, and I gphave only just begun.

  15. Reading this is amazing 🙂 23rd Oct right before this was posted I literally just quit what was a pretty successful career because things simply weren’t right and I had no energy to be creative, which is what makes me truly happy. Hearing that you and other people posting here have hit a reset button is damn comforting, coz trying to explain my actions to big career-types is pretty freaking awkward!!! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂

  16. Hi Wil. I just discovered mindfulness which is about training our brains to stay in the moment . I’ve found it helped immensely with my depression as well as staying motivated, getting better sleep and enjoying just one beer or treat and feeling it is enough. I hope you can check it out too.

  17. Read every single word, and didn’t skip a single one , despite struggling to climb out of the pit myself at the moment. I could have, in fact, written most of it myself. If , you know, motivation blah blah. But thank you, truly, deeply. It makes it easier when you’re at the bottom to glance over and see that someone else has built a ladder. X

  18. I read every word. If you replace beer with junk food, this was me not too long ago. I lost the weight of a whole person and kept it off for almost three years, but then I got an injury and the lack of exercise caused my weight to creep up. My weight creeping up caused an old injury/condition to return, which in turn caused me to exercise even less and the weight crept on some more and so on.

    I started making excuses about my writing too, finding reasons not to do it when inside I desperately NEEDED to write.

    So yes, I’m making changes too. I’m using the MyFitnessPal app on my phone to track everything (until I can afford a FitBit and not have to carry my phone around everywhere in order to track my steps). I’m starting, slowly, back up on the exercise (I used to spend many hours a day exercising; I’m hoping I can get results with exercise this time without having to go overboard on it). I’m tired, all the time. So I’m working on actually going to bed at a decent hour instead of the really late hours I normally do. I always have to get up at the same time every morning (to get my kids to school), so staying up late just means I lose out on much needed sleep. I’m writing again. And I’ve found some other creative endeavours that I enjoy doing too, although a couple of them are very new to me and will take some learning. But they all feed into my love for writing. I never used to have a problem with reading loads, but these past few months, I haven’t been reading any books (other than a couple I read to write reviews for), so I’m starting to do that again.

    The biggest change I have to make is that I need to start editing and revising the stories I’ve already written so that I can get them closer to being ready for publication. (I have a habit of writing a whole first draft of a book and then moving on to the next book without ever going back to the one already written.)

    I enjoyed reading this post by you, and it helps to know that I am not the only one who lets these small things kind of creep up and take over and change our lives for the worse until we get them back in hand.

  19. I read every word, and I have to say that every blog of yours I’ve read has been an inspiration to me. I need to do 6 of those 7 things (I don’t drink) and be consistent about them. That’s the hardest part about change, and I applaud you for it. Keep going and thank you for inspiring us all.

  20. As I read your post, I kept thinking “Yep..that’s right! I’ve had the same problems. I know how you feel.” Then I got to the part where you said your reality check came from your wife saying that she felt like you didn’t care about having a long life together with her, because you didn’t care about taking care of yourself…and I started to cry. I wasn’t crying because I felt your wife’s pain. I was crying because I realized that all the time I was sabotaging my own efforts to lose weight and get healthy, that I was thinking about myself and not my husband. I truly love my husband. I can’t imagine life without him. The sheer thought of him dying before I do scares the hell out of me because I know I’d be an absolute wreck without him. I know the depression would hit me so hard, I’d forget to go on living. Maybe that’s why I’m not getting healthy..because I don’t want to risk being alone. Your post made me realize that I’ve already given up on living. Not doing what I can to get healthy so I can live long enough to cram some fantastic memories in my mind of the time I have left with this wonderful man was the equivalent of climbing into a six foot hole and pulling the dirt over myslef. Thank you so..so much for posting this. You just gave me my reality check!

  21. Hey Wil. I admire what you’re doing here. Good Wil. (Sorry.)

    In case it matters, consider the inaccuracy of your thoughts about alcohol and what it does to your body. See the Oracle of Wikipediahttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethanol_metabolism for details.

    It’s not the ALCOHOL that hurts your circulatory system (I have the same hypertriglyeridemia genetics problem BTW). It’s the simple carbohydrates that become sugars alkalize immediately. That is, it’s the carb filled beer not the ALCOHOL in it that causes the problem.

    I’m not a carb hater or had dieter. But I do believe in studying science and trying to understand reasons for why I need to change my behaviors. That helps with motivations. After all: who would argue with scientific facts?

    Right.

    Be happy, Wil.

    1. That list is incredible! I’ve seen most of the movies on it, but the ones I haven’t seen just got added to my wishlist.

  24. Awesome, Wil! So happy for you! All this will also make a difference in and affect those around you, in positive ways. I’ve been going through something similar but not quite the same. Haven’t figured mine out in the ways you have, not yet.

  25. Do NOT edit.

    Leave as is.

    Almost to tears here. About my own life, and wanting my own reset. And how to accomplish that with what I have available to me.

  26. I’ve been able to slowly adjust my circadian rhythm from wanting to sleep at 2am to wanting to sleep around 11pm.

    Holy crap, man! That’s a crazy good improvement! From a total and complete internet stranger to you, I’m incredibly happy for you. Keep up the good work.

  27. Wil,
    Thank you.

    Thank you for being honest, open, vulnerable, and straightforward. I read every word, and as a writer who has been letting everything else (including Depression, ADHD, and a penchant for procrastinating) get in the way of just doing what I love, your words are highly encouraging.

    When I read the part where you said, “I didn’t like myself. I didn’t care about myself.” – these are words I literally said to myself only a few days ago. When you described how your wife said, “I feel like you don’t care about having a long life together with me, because you don’t care about taking care of yourself.” – when I heard that, it was like a punch to the gut. My wife hasn’t said those words to me directly, but it brought my selfish attitude about my health into crystal clarity.

    My wife is the light of my life, and without her I would still be living in a hovel, in misery, thinking I would never amount to anything. With a woman who has stuck by me through every Depression episode, through every painful and angry outburst, through all of the tears, how can I be so selfish? I haven’t cared about my health, and in doing so, I am daily telling my wife, “I don’t care enough to give you the maximum possible years with me… eating crappy food and never exercising is more important to me than a long, high-quality life with you.”

    I think you’ve given me the kick in the pants I needed.

    Thank you, Wil.

  29. I can’t begin to tell you how much I relate to the majority of what you’ve shared here, or how meaningful it is that you’ve shared it. I think I’m about where you were just before you made the decision to change. I kid you not, just writing that last sentence choked me up. I’m looking at the screen on my phone through the distortions of tears at the moment.

    I wake up every morning with an overwhelming list of things I “need to do” bearing down on me from some imaginary authority figure. Most of them aren’t needs so much, objectively, but they sure feel that way. I’m exhausted, both emotionally and physically, from spending so much time comparing my life as it is to what I think it could be, if only I’d <insert miracle solution that is actually just something I want to do but feel I don’t deserve>.

    It hurts.

    It hurts way down inside like I’m betraying myself, my wife, my kid.

    It hurts every day.

    Don’t get me wrong. I have a good life and I’m actually generally a happy, personable guy. I just feel like I’m waiting for something that should have happened a long time ago and realizing with each day that it’s my fault I’m not there. I made some bad choices and got into bad habits. One of those is that I constantly judge myself as totally undeserving of being successful. It scares the crap out of me, actually. I’ve identified as a victim for so long (hey, it’s not MY fault…society just stinks, etc.) that it feels like a betrayal of my sense of self to actually succeed. Who would I be then?

    So when I read this post you’ve written, it meant a great deal. To hear someone I admire express the same kind of thoughts and struggles is, well, inspiring. It’s also frightening. It’s big.

    Thanks for writing this. I’m going to read it a couple more times, I think. And I’m going to try to out what you’ve laid out here into action. Hopefully, without as much judgment about my performance as I would normally use,

  30. Wil, I know you said you want to cut out reddit, but the /r/running subreddit has some of the coolest people I’ve met on reddit, if you care to check it out. There’s no bullshit, daily chat threads, and lots of support. Since you have experience running, you might not need to show up as a beginner, but there’s plenty of support for veterans too. Anyone else who wants to get started running is welcome to stop by, too.

  31. I didn’t know all of this about Wil. He looked like he was leading such a great life. I’m glad that this perspective on issues that are relevant and important to me has been transcribed here. It’ll motivate me to get back on track, and I hope it spreads the word to at least a few more people. Maybe after that, I’ll be able to talk about this in a similar way to my circle of friends, and I’ll influence a few of them to improve their health and well-being too.

    Thanks for taking the time to write this, and thanks for being honest and providing both advice and insight.

  32. Read every word, and it really resonates. I recently, reset my life as well. I am a classical singer, and I have not been as “successful” as one is “supposed” to be in this field. However, I also was not happy trying to be successful, and have the big career. I would listen to my Depression though, and it would tell me that I would be happy if I got the gig, and was the performer out in front, and frankly I wasn’t worth shit if I didn’t. Well, that is a load of crap, and I have found ways to work in music, that fulfill me, but I had to reset. So, I got out of the food service industry, (great crutch for making money but not doing anything meaningful with your life, when you are me) and started trying new things. Turns out I love teaching, working with kids, and outreach. So I now I teach at reputable music school and work at the Lyric Opera of Chicago in sales and marketing (who knew that could be like outreach?) and I enjoy my life. I also, found I wanted more energy and spring in my step, so I joined weight watchers, learned how to eat, and lost 20 pounds. I feel like this idea of working to find meaning, and doing a life course correction, is not talked about often enough. Especially, in any sort of creative art, where you are just supposed to get one one path and stay there until you have “made it.” There is some sort of shame, in looking at your life, and hitting “reset,” changing habits and actually working on day to day life. Thank you for being so open and raw.

  33. I like you Wil Wheaton. I always liked you as Wesley Crusher, but since I’ve seen more of you and read some of your stuff, I don’t just like Wesley Crusher. I think I really like you as a human being.

  35. Seems like you have had a decent “gig” on Big Bang Theory, and it was particularly fun when you got to be Evil Wil Wheaton! Part of me wishes you were on more frequently, but another part of me says “it’s fine, always leave them wanting more.”

    Good work to identify things that were meaningful to change.

  36. I just hope you know how much your sharing helps so many of us out here wondering if we are the only ones who ever feel like this and who are struggling to find the strength to reset. It’s awesome to read the words of someone who articulates these feelings really well and reminds us that feeling bad can be overcome. Thanks Wil.

  37. This is absolutely fantastic. I could have written this myself, well, you know, besides the whole child star thing. I recently buckled down and changed my life and in the process of finding happiness and balance I lost over 55 pounds as well. I am truly happy for you, and stoked that you shared this post with the world.

  39. Thanks so much for sharing this! I, too, am currently reading Pressfield’s “The War of Art” (for the 3rd time) after recommending it to a friend. Like many commenters, I’ve also gone through a bit of a reboot in the past few months—giving up coffee significantly helped my sleep, taking a Facebook break for a month cut down on all the “noise,” practicing new time management techniques is helping my ADHD. So, congratulations! It’s so inspiring when a person is sick and tired of being sick and tired and actually works on making a change. Way to go!

  40. I truly hope that you don’t revise/edit it much (or at all). It feels just about perfect to me, and though you don’t know me at all, and my opinion doesn’t actually matter to you as a reason for anything, I still feel like telling you – please don’t change a thing.

    I’ve been reading your blog for years now, (since you were first on and I’m a fan of your work. I always get a little burst of joy seeing you doing anything, and I’ve felt that way about you since you were in Toy Soldiers and Stand By Me. I’m a partial geek, but have never been a Star Trek fan, so while I’ve always known of you being on TNG, I don’t actually know of your work on it so can’t speak to that.

    I’ve battled with depression all my life, and mostly think I’m doing good these days, but actually reading through this specific essay made me aware of how very much I’m not doing good. Or rather, how much better I could be doing. and that mostly, it’s in my hands to make the same sort of changes in my life and find the reasons to do so.

    As you’ve heard many times before, thank you for the honesty and openness with which you discuss your depression and how you deal with it. I hope that you continue to be surrounded by those that love and support you and that you continue to strive for happiness. Whether you believe it or not – you do deserve it. and I hope that you will spend more days knowing that is true than thinking that you don’t.

  41. Thank you, Wil! I’m glad you were moved to write all this down.
    I’m in the middle of an effort like this, though it would benefit me to sit and think and write about the plan more intentionally.
    I, too, love Zombies, Run! and was recovering from a knee surgery and used the C25K version to make sure I improved safely and slowly (the first time I did ZR, the regular app, I came home limping because I was so wrapped up in the story). Now I can run a 10K no problem. I’m not fast, but I love the way my body does it’s job.

    Thanks again, and please continue to be you. Depression doesn’t know what the f*** it’s talking about. You are worthy of happiness!

  42. I took the time to read it all, and it struck many chords with me. Struck a chorus, perhaps? I’ve been working on sleep quality for a while (overnight tracking with Fitbit), but definitely need to work on food and exercise. You’re right, it’s amazing how such seemingly small changes can make you feel several times better. Like you, I don’t like gym workouts. I used to run constantly (soccer, track, cross-country) and I miss that. I always felt good to be outside. I have plenty of great places to run near me, but instead making time, I make excuses. Thanks for reminding me that this is something I can do, and should do… for the important people In my life, but also for me.

    Looking forward to more Titangrave. So much like my DnD groups.

  44. That list is a near-carbon copy of what I need to do (replace ‘write’ with ‘design’ and that’s me). I only drink beer, and I really love it. No liquor, wine, or hard ciders. But I’ve found that beer (and probably any alcohol) takes away all of my motivation to work on my side projects (tabletop game designing, among other geeky, creative things). You are inspiring me to start smacking items off the list on a fairly permanent basis. I’ll start out with less beer and more sleep, then more designing, reading, and absorbing inspirational materials, and then tackle diet and exercise. If I can take on one phase a month, I’ll be in pretty good shape all over after about 3 months.

  45. Wil,

    I enjoyed reading this. I especially enjoyed what you said about writing, that no matter what at the end of the day it just feels more… complete to have written. I have been trying to explain to my wife it’s not always even about liking what you write, but that writing itself is so meaningful. She is very supportive, but I am not sure she quite understands. smiles

    I have been taking a chance on freelance science writing career and it is disheartening at times. Every step is so much slower then I thought it would be, but when I write I am more completely alive then when I do not.
    Anyway, it is nice to hear someone else talk about words this way.

  46. Great job! So happy to have another Runner 5 join the crowd! I’ve been an intermittent Runner 5 since the Kickstarter and really enjoy that app. Also, I love hearing stories about people who are doing their best to take better care of themselves and you are doing all the things that seem like they really help people in general. Please don’t let Depression lie to you again for such a long time. While you are working to improve yourself now, please try to have a plan for what to do if/when Depression decides to start its evil whispers again. Even if that plan is to make sure your wife and kids are there to remind you that they need and want you around again! Hope your week is off to a great start!

  47. Definitely not too long. Read every word and a lot of it resonated with me. I’ve been needing a ‘reboot’ myself, but I keep making excuses. Reading this made me admit, they are all flimsy excuses and it’s time to make the changes I need to make to feel better mentally and physically. Thanks for your honesty and candor.

  50. Thank you for being so honest with us. It really helps (and yes, I read to the end). I have fibromyalgia, CFS, and other health issues, but like you I struggle with issues because of all that. I just got a Fitbit (because WeightWatchers cancelled their ActiveLink program) and simultaneously started a new nutrition program a friend with fibro recommended. I’m shocked how little I actually move during the day. LOL I struggle with feeling not good enough, why bother? kind of thoughts, too. Please keep being honest, please keep writing the “long” posts because it really does help all of us out there to know we’re not alone. Thank you. ((HUGS))

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